It hit my inbox, and set off my phone, with the thud legal text hitting a desk in an otherwise vacant library.
There it was, the invite to our comrade’s bachelor party. It’s been quietly discussed and prognosticated upon in whispers. Here and there someone would bring it up, some hypotheticals would be discussed, and then the subject would change like the seasons. Suddenly it would just be gone.
But this was concrete. This was tangible. We had a date. We had a location. We had, as is always important, a “To” section of the email where you could scope out the identities of the other attendees. It was happening.
This is unlike other bachelor parties, however. This one is different. It is not altogether uncommon, let alone unheard of. But it does come with it a certain extra degree of contemplation in terms of how one intends to stretch out a celebration of the end of your buddy’s life as a single man over the course of a number of days.
You see, all attendees of this bachelor party are now firmly in their 30’s. Things are just different now. If the men of the bachelor party do not expect more from themselves than they did in their previous decade, well, society and/or their significant other certainly does so judgement will be coming from somewhere. Not that it matters. No, while many men hit 30 and take it as some kind of gun-to-your-head mandate to declare yourself tired all the time, some still enjoy their share of nightlife. So therein lies the true quandry of a post-30 bachelor party: who are the players involved here and how do they come together to form the team. It is, believe it or not, easier than one thinks to breakdown each of these types of RSVPs, along with his strategy for the weekend at hand.
The Low-T Guy is aptly named because he should be an actor in one of those commercials that peddle cures for guys with, you guessed it, Low-T. Now I am not knocking every last guy who no longer has his fastball, especially not every day. We’re in our third decade here. That’d be a big ask. No, I’m talking about the guy that just doesn’t even show a slight regard or any effort to have any fun whatsoever. It’s not necessarily that they fear the hangover or the look on their wife’s face when they walk in fresh off a plane and resemble someone that just escaped from Shutter Island. It’s that they in Peter Banning-like fashion completely lost the ability to have, and no longer have the memory of, a good time. So what should they do? The trick for the Low-T Guy is to find a perfect spot on a graph where the two axis’ are “Partying” and “Attending”. If you’re buddy wants to go the beach/pool, a few bars, a strip club, and and then, I don’t know, a comedy show, try and do all of that having a beer or two. Don’t be a noticeable downer, pretty much. We get it, you suck now. Just try not to make it obvious.
The Retired Guy has earned that nickname, and not something quite frankly ruder, out of respect for his since-ended career. In his heyday he was something, but just has aged out of being the focal point of an offense day in and day out. He will indeed show some flashes of what he once was, but he won’t expect himself to keep that going for, let’s say, three straight days. You shouldn’t either. You should respect his decision to make an appearance at a pick up game every now and again, where he will indeed light the place up with that once remarkable talent. In this case that means smashing unbelievable amounts of beers and possibly ass if he’s single. But again. It will come in waves only. If you are indeed the retired guy, just stick to that. When it’s time for the lion to come out its cage, roar. When it’s time to take a few plays off, let it be known.
The Steady Guy is an interesting case because he has probably played this role as long as you’ve known him. Aside from a the rare cases he gets shithoused drunk, he sets his pace and can keep it up without getting wasted until the cows come home. He did when he was 16, he’ll do it now. There may be one night of the bachelor party, when he is possibly consumed with nostalgia, that he goes a little harder than expected but he’ll even that out with a few moments of a slower flow before getting back to his normal speed. He’s the steady guy. If you are that steady guy in his 30’s good on you. It’s a great place to be.
The Carpe Diem Guy can literally be anyone from a complete train wreck to a snoozefest in day-to-day life but goes absolute hog wild during events like bachelor parties. To reiterate, he seizes the day. Beers, shots, possibly nose beers, all the strippers, as much shitty take out as humanly possible, and just the right amount of passing out in bizarre places is what is on the menu for this guy. He’s an unstoppable force. If I was the best man I’d simply just not try and babysit this guy because it is only going to fuck up your weekend and no one wants that. Plus, this guy knows who he is. He knows who he is and what he’s about. Let him do his thing. If you are the Carpe Diem Guy you know what? I salute you. You are a complete lunatic but good on you sir. Other than that, don’t let your good time fuck up anyone else’s via a visit from the cops to the AirBnB or a visit from your buddies to the morgue. Be an adult.
The Still Got It Guy is simply someone who still likes to party here and there. They like to have a few, knock em back, sip on Granddaddy’s ol’ cough syrup. Nothing wrong with that. He brings that lifestyle to the bachelor party. When it’s time to go he goes and can go hard. Once in a blue moon Natty Light Narcissus gets a little too close to the pond and falls in, but hey, it happens to all of us. The Still Got It Guy will often band up with the Carpe Diem Guy and the Steady Guy because that’s three men who know what they’re about, individually. If you’re this guy, make sure you’re not forcing the fact that you still got it on anyone else. They might not still have it.
The Chick Choosing A Restaurant Guy is named that because he’s not fucking sure. He’ll probably get hammered one day and not do dick the next. He’s an enigma. He’ll also inadvertently make different days of the trip hard to plan because he won’t know what side of the coin is landing face up that day. We raging? We sleeping? He won’t know until he gets into the swing of the day. It’s honestly not his fault, he’s completely discombobulated having not really been in this situation in awhile. My advice to this chap is to try and set your limits and such beforehand so that you can make a fair guess each day how you’re feeling.
BONUS: The Strip Club Guy is the one guy in a group of friends that LOSES. HIS FUCKING. MIND. At a strip club. More money spent than you thought possible and more services rendered than you wanted to conceive. He is a normal seeming guy when amongst civilized society, but in establishments of fleshly desires, he turns into a Goddam animal. I honestly have no advice for these guys. There’s no saving them.
So as I consider this post-30 bachelor party which I am to partake in I know who I go to battle alongside, although I do not know which armor they will inhabit. Will they be wildcard or a Snorlax? Will they bring back memories of sticky floors and dollar drafts or will they shock you with their newfound, new money love of narcotics? One can never truly tell when you get there. Just enjoy the ride.