Don’t close down the grill and certainly don’t stop drinking because yes thats right, FOOTBALL IS BACK. Listen and subscribe to Ep 013 of The 300s Podcast on iTunes. More specifically Football Sundays are back. Sure we had the Pats on Thursday night, but yesterday was the first time we all got to watch football on the couch for 10 straight hours. And it was glorious. In Ep 013 of The 300s Podcast we’re talking Patriots, the rest of the NFL, the Draftkings Ponzi scheme, Fantasy Football, NCAA Football (Baker Mayfield is a bad, bad man) and a Red Sox update (probably still will get swept in the first round). SUBSCRIBE ON ITUNES!
I feel like I shouldn’t have to state this disclaimer, but I do. Don’t get it twisted, if Ezekiel Elliott was beating his girlfriend he’s a scumbag and should face something a lot tougher than a couple months off from work. With that being said, lets now move on.
Ezekiel Elliott, you stupid sonofabitch. I’ve said this to you once before and I’ll say it again.
After taking an absolute bath the last couple of years with keepers made out of glass in Thomas Rawls and his predecessor Marshawn Lynch, I was primed for a huge year with stud keeper Zeke. Now he’s out nearly half the season as he faces a six game suspension with the Cowboys’ bye week coming in Week 6. So that first round price tag for a guy who won’t take the field until Week 8 is out the door.
And in some sort of sick joke Marshawn Lynch is back in the league just taunting me. Not a ton of great options for potential keepers for a fantasy football team that finished in 11th place. What a vicious cycle. I guess I could always go with Matt Bryant? At least he won’t be getting suspended for being a complete dickhead.
Half t-shirt wearing, suspension earning, fantasy tanking season Ezekiel Elliott. I think I’ve just made a new enemy. You can join the list of scrub players I send angry letters to asking for my fantasy football money back as penance. Thomas Rawls, Justin Blackmon, Felix Jones, LenDale White, Travis Henry, Carson Palmer. You’re on the list now Ezekiel.
PS – Jerry Jones can eat a bag of dicks on this one.
ESPN – Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott was involved in a late-night incident at a Dallas bar Sunday, a source confirmed to ESPN’s Adam Schefter. According to the Dallas Police Department, officers were dispatched to the bar around 9:40 p.m. A 30-year-old man said he was physically assaulted but could not identify who assaulted him. The man was taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. A Dallas Police spokesperson said no arrests or suspects have been reported in connection with the incident, which was first reported by 105.3 FM The Fan in Dallas. The investigation is ongoing, according to police.
Before I get into this blog about Ezekiel Elliott yet again getting into trouble off the field, I have to get something off my chest.
Ok, I feel a little better. Part of me wants to write this latest incident off as a young guy getting into a scuffle at a bar like we’ve all done, but then I read this.
“According to the Dallas Police Department, officers were dispatched to the bar around 9:40 p.m.”
If you’re getting into brawls before its even fucking 10 pm, then you are the problem. It means you’ve either been boozing all day long and are legless by sundown or you’re just looking to pick fights like an asshole.
This concerns me not as a citizen of the world, but as a fantasy football owner that needs to have a bounce back season. After getting stuck in the mud with bad keepers the past few years; Marshawn Lynch in his final year before his *first* retirement and then his replacement Thomas Rawls who, despite every report otherwise, missed the first half of the season coming back from an injury. So Elliott’s my first great Keeper option in years.
As for his recent legal problems though. He’s already had a potential suspension hanging over his head for a 2016 domestic abuse allegation that the NFL still has yet to finish its investigation on. Not good. Then last August before his first preseason game he was spotted walking into a marijuana dispensary in Seattle. Before his first fucking game. My man, have a little self awareness. I do not care if you wanna smoke up, just send one of your guys out to get it. Don’t walk into a place where they sell a substance that is banned by the NFL. Especially don’t do this if you were a recent Top 5 pick in the NFL Draft.
Not to mention another run-in with cops at a bar in February (no charges or accusations) and of course the infamous pulling a titty out at a St. Patricks Day parade earlier this year. For the sake of my fantasy title aspirations, get your shit together man.
This is why I hate Keeper Leagues. The rest of my team last year was garbage, so I’m basically banking on Elliott, who was lights out last year. But now I may have to burn a first round pick on a guy who could miss a handful of games. Welp, I guess I’ll be turning on my Google Alerts for every Ezekiel Elliott update as I nervously await bad news.
With Festivus coming up and after narrowly avoiding my first Sacko last night, I just wanted to take the time out for a proper Airing of Grievances for my once promising fantasy football team that went straight to hell. Below is the original team that took the field on Week 1; til death do us part.
QB1: Jameis Winston: The 13th scoring QB in fantasy this year. Look I’ve won titles with Donovan McNabb and Tim Tebow. QB was not the problem here.
QB2: Philip Rivers: Traded him for a 2017 3rd round pick once my season was cooked. Draft board flexibility like you read about.
WR1: Alshon Jeffery: Decent stats, but was ultimately at the mercy of shithead Smokin Jay Cutler. Oh and ya know got popped for PEDs and missed 4 weeks down the stretch.
WR2: Michael Floyd: – Shout out to my number 2 WR who can hold his booze just about as well as he can hold a football. On the verge of a breakout season in a top offense and he ends up with just as many drops as touchdowns (4) before being cut for getting a DUI. This was after cops found him piss drunk passed out at the wheel of his car in an intersection. Not to mention just 33 catches on 70(!) targets. Now, that is what I call Return. On. Investment.
RB1 and KEEPER: Thomas Rawls: Coming off a beast finish to 2015 with 830 yards on just 147 carries for 5.6 YPC, Rawls was a sneaky steal with a 16th round pick as a keeper. Dude did break his leg though, which made it risky, but sometimes ya gotta race.
All the reports and draft experts pointed towards Rawls being ready for Week 1 and naturally he ran for a combined 25 yards in the first two games before ultimately missing EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS. The guy didn’t put in a good game until Week 13. SAD.
RB2: Ezekiel Elliot: We good.
TE: Zach Ertz: Solid first game. Dislocated a rib. Didn’t have a good game until Week 9. God damnit.
Flex: Allen Hurns:
Flex:Willie Snead: Some weeks I score 30 points. Other weeks I put up a goose egg. Enjoy the ride.
6 Bench Spots:
(IR) Danny Woodhead: BEAST. But got hurt again and submarined any solid PPR flex options for me.
Jeremy Langford: Oh just a *total* asshole. A starting RB with potential solely because of workload volume alone. So what’s he do? Suck, get hurt and lose his job. Another draft pick nailed.
(IR) Shane Vereen: Hurt and missed most of the season.
(IR) Josh Doctson: I *also* drafted Breshad Perriman last year who *also* missed his entire rookie season.
(IR) Braxton Miller: A dart throw who had exactly one game with more than 4 pts and ultimately wound up on IR. Brock Osweiler is radioactive to offense.
Kickers and defenses do not matter so I will not address them.
Shopping for fantasy football sleepers in Week 11 is like going to the grocery store before a big storm is about to hit. The only thing left is garbage that even poor people don’t want. (Shout out to my RB1 Mike Davis for the 0.5 pts in Week 9) For a myriad of reasons I won’t get into (goddamnit Thomas Rawls) my team currently sits in last place, so that grants me the freedom to add/cut players ad nauseum because what do I have to lose? Playoff teams need to think long term to add/stash players, whereas I’m fighting and scrapping just to live to see tomorrow.
This is how you end up finding 1 week gems like Zach Zenner, the white RB from Detroit, who got me 9 pts in his only start of the season and helped me get my first W. After that? Back to the trash heap. Now? Welp guess I’ll take a roll of the dice with CJ Prosise as my RB2 in Week 10. Winner!
I’m now up to 2 wins so I’m screwed either way so I’m just out to sink other people’s teams now with ridiculously lucky moves and untimely huge games for my opponents. Case in point, Ezekiel Elliots 40 pt game the other night against someone fighting for a playoff spot. And hey, even Thomas Rawls my keeper from last year is making his season debut in WEEK ELVEN. Allegedly.
So who knows, best case scenario I roll off a few wins and finish just outside of the playoffs, but as long as I get to crush a few dreams along the way I’m fine with that.
Fantasy football is about shit talking and spiting your friends. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
The 300s 