Phil Mickelson and His Jacked Calves Are On Standby to Replace Tom Brady If Necessary

So yesterday news broke that Tom Brady was on the Patriots injury report after being limited at practice with a calf injury. I’m not too worried because this is the same guy that was on the Patriots injury report every week for approximately a decade with a shoulder. However, in case anything tragic does transpire, we’ve got Phil Mickelson and his JACKED calves on standby.

Even Brady himself was on board with at least a few tips from Phil on how he built those leg cannons.

In case you’ve somehow forgotten, Phil has absolute porterhouse steaks packed into his calves.

PS – Phil absolutely SMOKED a guy for shooting his shot trying to get 18 holes in with the legend and I am wheezing.

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Noted College Football Innovator Mike Leach Debates Which Teams Can Beat His Based On Mascot

Remember in college (at least for me) there were a couple of shows that caught fire purely because they were, to use more modern terminology, “bingeable/bingeworthy”? There was something golden about when you could kick back because SpikeTV or USA or MTV2 put Show XYZ on marathon mode and you were able to kill time between classes by watching a few hours of it.

One of those shows was called the “Deadliest Warrior” and it was probably the easiest pitch in the history of pitches given that SpikeTV was dying to be the ultimate haven for bro entertainment back then. All whoever created this show had to do was stride into a roomful of execs and ask the question, “Ever wonder who’d win in a fight between a prohibition-era gangster with a tommy gun and an Apache warrior…WELL NOW YOU CAN.”

It was somehow very analytical (maybe quasi-very analytical if that makes sense) and completely mindless. It was fucking glorious. They’d break down the skills, weaponry, and tactics of two groups of “warriors” from two different time periods and then decide who would win. Experts, including one who was basically a ninja with a medical degree, would slice, dice, and shoot anatomically-similar models of the human body to see what kind of damage was really being doneby what/whoever was being studied. A lot of people got dressed up in all sorts of costumes to act like these combatants. It was priceless. It would neverrrr get put on air today. But we loved it.

Anyway, count Mike Leach as someone who was clearly also a fan. In this video he debates who would beat his Washington State COUGARS just based on what their mascot is. Cal and UCLA have bears, that’s a toughy. Oregon State and their beavers? WELL HOW LONG CAN YOU STAY UNDER WATER?! GOTCHA!

We all knew Leach obsessively studies, among other things, pirates in order to provide him with the intellectual strategy to scheme up 18 wide receiver sets and make guys like Colt Brennan look like Tom Brady. Now we also know he takes into consideration just what creature or creation he is staring down from across the field as he goes to the dark recesses of his brain to manifest his opponents doom.

Next. Level. Stuff.

-Joey B

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The 300s Fantasy Football Round Up – Week 2

I would like to use this introductory paragraph to point out the fact that so far the Patriots defense is the highest scoring opponent they’ve yet to encounter this season.

Moving along, Week 2 has come and gone in the fantasy world and teams have begun to take shape, some players have been added and dropped, 15 QBs have been ruled out for the season, and one missing a chromosome has been benched and possibly retired.

So without further ado let’s see how the staff here did in Week 2.

Joey B (0-2)

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this but Ronald Jones getting me .9 points on Thursday proved to be foreshadowing. No one ever showed up and I lost by 20. My RBs are garbage and I need helllllp.

Dom (1-1)

For the second week in a row, the Scruffy Looking Nerfherders were the second highest scoring team in the league. Unfortunately, I played the only team that could’ve beaten me this week. Lame. Once again, most of the boys performed well, and I made the excellent pick up of Mark Andrews of Baltimore, who happens to be the league’s top TE through 2 weeks. The big downside to the week was that James Conner was knocked out with a knee injury, but reports are that it’s not serious thankfully.

Lippa (1-1)

Don’t love my team in my league as much as I have in previous years. Probably because I didn’t have a second round pick (traded it for Antonio Brown last year trying to go all-in en route to a first round playoff loss). O.J. Howard looks like a giant bust, and my general lack of elite players will probably cost me this year. Bright side: JOSH ALLEN time next week at QB after a week of streaming Andy Dalton.

Mattes (2-0)
Even though Dede Westbrook and his pathetic 0.8 points (!!!) almost screwed me, Dak, Dalvin, and Kelce were an absolute force for the second-straight week. Kerryon also had a nice day after a worrisome Week 1. (And it’ll only get better for him with C.J. Anderson getting the axe yesterday!) This week I’ll be replacing Westbrook and Singletary with Matt Breida and Scary Terry McLaurin, AND I nabbed Dallas’s D off waivers this week since they’re playing Miami at home. Reeeaallly trying not to get too cocky yet, and I know it’s early. But The Pride of Kansas is 2-0 and sitting third overall in points so far. I’m feeling good.

Papa G (2-0)

Lamar Jackson! What a stud. Another solid performance from my elite QB out of Baltimore. This week was definitely tougher than last week though. Barely squeezed out a win thanks to Le’Veon Bell on MNF. Njoku got concussed almost immediately in the game so it was all on Bell’s shoulders. 2-0 to start the season, just like my Bills. Inevitable collapse(s) pending.

Red (0-2)

I touched on this a bit yesterday in my blog denigrating Jets fans so I won’t rehash too much, but long story short I needed 8 points from Jamison Crowder. He got 6. The football gods mocked me for putting my faith in a Jets player too and had third stringer Luke Falk taking snaps before halftime just to really make me suffer. You don’t know degenerate levels until you find yourself yelling at the TV for a third string QB to throw a garbage time TD in a blowout on Monday night.

Big Z (1-1)

The Z Men will not go undefeated in 2019. We stand at 1-1 after a 120-96 loss in Week 2. At least my team wasn’t the only team that wasted a great effort from Dalvin Cook. Dude had a touchdown and 154 yards on the ground, only to see Kirk Cousins throw an interception that would have been unacceptable even in a pick up game of groomsmen in the parking lot before a wedding reception. Christian McCaffrey was a disappointment in Week 2 with only 53 total yards, but hopefully that’s an aberration.  My kicker Matt Prater might have been this biggest disappointment of my week though. A missed PAT is -2 in my league, so even with the PAT he made later in the game he still ended up in the red for me and cost me a point.

 

 

 

 

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Rumors Swirling the Patriots Will Wear Their 90s Blue Throwback Jerseys This Season

YESSS. I’ve been campaigning for the Patriots to break out these bad boys for yearsss. The red throwbacks and these beauties are the only thing I will wear when playing Madden. They’re just so awesomely bad and a perfect time capsule of the 90s with the garish two-toned blue and the oversized logos on the sleeves. Now granted this is still just a rumor that seems to have taken on a life of its own after a non-blue check marked account tweeted it out. So lets all take it with a gigantic grain of salt, but theres also this.

Now the real question is when the Patriots do take these jerseys off of mothballs, do I wear the Drew Bledsoe or Ben Coates? Decisions, decisions.

Update: It’s not happening. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.

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Last Night I Had to Root for the Jets. I Don’t Know How People Do This

With the prospect of falling to 0-2 staring me dead in the face, I needed an extremely reasonable 8 points from Jamison Crowder to win my fantasy football matchup. For a guy that had 17 targets and 17 points in Week 1 that seemed pretty reasonable, except for the fact the guy that gave him all those targets was out with MONO. I’m not here to slut shame anyone, but you really put me in a shitty spot, Sam.

So with that being said I was tasked with watching the entire Jets game AND rooting for a backup QB to feed my guy. Naturally Crowder had a huge catch called back on a penalty and Trevor Siemian failed to impress all night. At least he was a guy with a few years in the league and 20+ starts under his belt though; that gave me hope for a touchdown pass. Welp, once he broke (probably) his ankle I was then forced to root for a 2nd year THIRD string QB in Luke Faulk who is apparently Chad Pennington reincarnated.

Meanwhile the “offensive guru” (Booger McFarland’s words not mine) Adam Gase just set football back about 50 years as he refused to call a play that didn’t involve Le’Veon Bell running the ball or Le’Veon Bell catching a screenpass at the line of scrimmage. The Jets apparently punted on the entire concept of the forward pass last night and were appropriately rewarded with a 3 point performance.

My guy Crowder? The guy I needed 8 points from? Yea he got 6.

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE THIS WAY??

PS – My other option was Kenyan Drake, the running back from the Dolphins that just got shutout 43-0 so no that wasn’t an option.

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Seinfeld is Headed to Netflix. LETS GOO

Hollywood ReporterSeinfeld will be master of a new domain starting in 2021. Netflix has landed worldwide rights to the iconic sitcom in a five-year deal with distributor Sony. The show will move from current rightsholder Hulu when its deal is up in 2021…First reported by the L.A. Times, the deal will bring Seinfeld’s global streaming rights under one roof for the first time. Hulu’s current $150 million-per-year deal is for domestic rights only; Amazon has held rights in most other territories around the world…”Seinfeld is the television comedy that all television comedy is measured against,” said Netflix chief content officer Ted Sarandos. “It is as fresh and funny as ever, and will be available to the world in 4K for the first time. We can’t wait to welcome Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer to their new global home on Netflix.”…Acquired series like Seinfeld, Friends and The Office are huge drivers of usage on streaming platforms. Nielsen consumption data for 2018 said Netflix users in the U.S. watched about 85 billion minutes of The Office and Friends — the equivalent of about 25 hours for every Netflix subscriber in the country.

This is a Power. Move. by Netflix after losing all the Marvel properties due to the mouse launching its own streaming platform in Disney+. Oh we can’t have Iron Man 3 anymore? Alright, well I guess we’ll just go acquire the most popular TV show of all time. Imagine being good enough at anything that people will pay to watch you? Now imagine being so good that people (Netflix) will pay ($150M per YEAR) to watch you from 20 years ago. Mind boggling shit.

Seinfeld and The Simpsons have shaped my sense of humor more than any other TV show, movie, stand up comedian or any other form of pop culture in America. I can make a Seinfeld or Simpsons reference for anything and do so just about every day, much to the chagrin of my family and friends. I actually went out of my way one time to go meet the Soup Nazi in downtown Boston a couple years back.

There are few shows better suited to 11 pm reruns than Seinfeld. A 22 minute episode with multiple plot lines where I can zone in and out and fall asleep watching reruns from 20 years ago. Granted Seinfeld is on about 75% of the time I’m home on a channel somewhere anyways, but thats besides the point. Now I can watch any episode of Seinfeld at any time and that is exhilarating for a couch potato such as myself.

Netflix *really* needs to invent a random next episode option though because there is nothing worse than searching for an episode to watch. How many people spend more time browsing Netflix than actually watching Netflix? Its why theres 50 things in my queue that I never intend to actually watch. I don’t know what episode I want to watch, just play something goddamnit.

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Johnny Drama Would Kill for Julian Edelman’s Calves

Christ, look at the tree trunks on that guy! Watching Julian Edelman make a catch on Sunday I literally turned to the Mrs. and announced “man he looks even more jacked than before he got popped for PEDs.” These are calves that Johnny Drama, and I, would kill for.

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