The 300s

Yahoo – Kate Beckinsale is not having it. The actress shut down critics of the fun snapshots she’s shared on Instagram over the last few days from a beach trip to Mexico. They show the 46-year-old Underworld actress in a couple of different swimsuits, prompting most people to shower her with compliments. However, a few commenters took issue with Beckinsale’s age.

Here’s the thing. We as a society have a very specific, subconscious place in our hearts. And to an extent our nether regions. I’d say 99% of people have it. And in this place we hold very dearly a very specific subsection of the human race. That populace would be the miracles that are the men and women of the world that simply don’t age. Or at least not when they’re supposed to. And to be quite clear there are more women on this list than men, which is pretty impressive considering the upkeep it takes to adhere to society’s standards. Given that women seem to be doing better in this little game, it’s no surprise that someone like Jennifer Lopez seems to hold the thrones currently – and despite the fact that my sources tell me she’s involved with one of the biggest frauds and douchebags of all time, I won’t argue with it. Men are a little different because there’s no way around the aging piece. But in terms of holding up looks I guess I’d go with Clooney? People still like Clooney right? Whatever.

A very notable member of this exclusive club, and my personal #1, is someone we will from heretofore refer to as Kate Fucking Beckinsale. She was in “Underworld” and before that “Pearl Harbor” and always had that “pretty, but actually really sexy and possibly a wild animal in the sack” thing going for her. She is honest to God fucking perfect.

And at 46, Kate Fucking Beckinsale is still an absolute fucking rocket. She is still throwing 104 on the black. She is welcoming younger, hungrier challengers in the ring and knocking them out in seconds. Come one, come all.

I could drop a “this is why the internet sucks” here but that’d be a little inaccurate. People having a forum for hating on Kate Beckinsale for throwing up pics their thirteen year old son suffered upper body blood loss to is not the problem. No, the problem is that they can disguise their motives. That’s what sucks. Former MMA fighter turned analyst/podcaster Chael Sonnen said something the other day I found interesting. He said there was an unacknowledged and misunderstood different between jealousy and envy. I don’t remember the exact definitions but basically jealous is a corrupt need to protect something you have while envy is the corrupt desire to have something someone else has. These haters of Kate Fucking Beckinsale are envious. Enviiiiiiiooooouuussss. EeNnVvIiOoUuSs. They log onto Tim Berners-Lee’s world wide web from the house they share with a dolt of a husband and 3 screaming kids and see Kate Beckinsale looking like a snack, the entree, and dessert all rolled into one and suddenly HATE that their bodies look like a fucking water balloon that is being squeezed by 4 different people at once. They HATE her for it. 46 years old. 46 and still looking better than some of these 46 year old haters’ daughters and possibly, in the south, granddaughters.

Don’t be them. Don’t be that envious. There aren’t many Kate Fucking Beckinsale’s out there.We can’t help. We aren’t going to look like that at 46. We probably don’t look like that now and never did. And that’s ok. That doesn’t mean mean we tear her down for firing off ‘kini shots at this stage in the game. That’d be like getting mad at Tom Brady for winning this stage in his. Smile, embrace it, and if you have a negative thought, well, shut the fuck up. That’s Kate Fucking Beckinsale you’re talking about.