Tag: NFL

Jets Are Now 1,000-1 Odds to Win the Super Bowl; the Worst Odds Ever

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1,000-1. Those are the Jets odds of winning the Super Bowl. The same odds as the Warriors NOT making the playoffs. Insane. Just for comparisons sake, the Patriots odds to win the Super Bowl are currently 11/4. Just slightly better.

I guess if you’re a Jets fan, the one saving grace is that this year they are intentionally bad. Sure if they had really tried they still wouldn’t have been great, but by getting rid of Brandon Marshall, Eric Decker, Sheldon Richardson and other players they have basically punted on the season. And as painful as this season will be for those dummies in green, its a smart play long term. Especially with a pretty solid looking crop of top QB prospects this year. UCLA’s Josh Rosen looked like a goddamn stud this weekend.

But it is the Jets, so odds are they luck into like 3-4 wins and lose out on a franchise QB. It really is amazing to have witnessed three peaks and valleys in the Jets franchise all while the Patriots have remained consistently dominant the entire time. Think about it. We’ve witnessed the rise (and fall) of Eric Mangini, the Rex Ryan era featuring the roughly 3 year reign of Bart Scott and the mouthy assholes, and most recently the moderately successful 1-year reign of Todd Bowles and Ryan Fitzpatrick before falling back to earth and saying screw it lets be REALLY bad.

All sandwiched between a mere 5 Patriots Super Bowl victories. What a goddamn shadow over the New York Jets of New Jersey.

The New York Jets Have Truly Embarrassed Themselves With This New T-Shirt

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The Jets have done a lot of embarrassing things over the years, but this new t-shirt may take the cake.

No Off Days? Why..does..that..sound..so..familiar?

Oh thats right, its because Bill Belichick made it the biggest Patriots rallying cry since Do Your Job and The Patriot Way. But here come the Jets like some shitty t-shirt vendor just switching a couple words around and passing it off as their own. Embarrassing. Not even worth the ink it would cost to print the cease and desist letter.

NO. OFF. DAYS.

Edelman Out, but the Work Goes on for the Patriots

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As was suspected Friday night when Julian Edelman left the Patriots’ third preseason game with an injury, Edelman tore his ACL and will miss the entire 2017 season.

A lot of fans on social media were quick to decry the NFL preseason but the truth is that this injury could have happened at any time. Tom Brady didn’t play at all in the 2008 preseason and suffered a season-ending injury in Week 1 of the regular season. Wes Welker tore his left ACL and MCL in Week 17 in 2009. Rob Gronkowski has suffered a wide range of injuries during his seven year career, including a broken arm while playing on field goal protection (!) against the Colts in Week 11 in 2012.

Time and again, the Patriots have shown the ability to adapt and not only survive, but excel. The Patriots won the Super Bowl last season despite not having Gronkowski for the last five games of the regular season or the playoffs. They won the Super Bowl in 2003 after cutting Lawyer Milloy four days before the start of the regular season. And they won 11 games in 2008 without Brady, becoming the first 11-win team to miss the playoffs in more than two decades.

This season will be no different. It’s always disappointing to see a star player go down, but Bill Belichick never lets emotions affect his team’s play. The Patriots still have a very talented wide receiver corps that includes Brandin Cooks, Chris Hogan and Danny Amendola. Future hall of famer Rob Gronkowski is apparently healthy and ready to go, and the Patriots should still be able to cobble together a pretty good running game (to the chagrin of fantasy football players). With the AFC East still consisting of the Jets, Bills and Dolphins, it’s hard to bet against this team making it back to at least the AFC Championship game in January.

If you’re still down about Edelman, though, rest assured. He will be back, and it will be a hell of story in the updated afterword to his memoir in a few years.

Tom Brady Says Playing at 40 is Easier Than Ever. Because He’s a Robot

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Boston.com – The Patriots quarterback insists that he is “never sore,” despite fending off hits from the defense and sometimes even blocking pads to the face from head coach Bill Belichick. “I could practice every day,” he said. “I could practice twice a day if they’d let us do that, but that’s not the way it goes anymore. It’s just fun being out here competing.”Brady’s recovery regimen, which includes his line of Under Armour sleepwear, will be one of the featured topics in his upcoming book, The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance. 

A friend of mine said to me last night over a couple of exclusive craft beers known as Rolling Rocks about Tom Brady that “He is fully going to get busted for PEDs” and a cold shiver went down my spine as I laughed it off.

I mean I want to believe that a Plant Based Diet Presented by TB12 is the one true reason for Tom Brady’s success, but who the hell knows. Maybe its the food, maybe its the avocado ice cream, or the concussion water, the plyometrics work or the TB12 space pajamas. Its probably some combination of all the wacky shit Brady does to keep his body in optimal condition. Or maybe, maybe its something really cool that I don’t even know about.

That or he’s just a legitimate android sent back in time to wreak havoc on the NFL for reasons we cannot yet understand.

Either way, I for one welcome our new robotic overlords and will enjoy the shit out of this guy who should be in an over 40 beer league who somehow continues to play at an MVP level and dominate a league filled with guys half his age.

You’re goddamn right I squeezed a Simpsons reference in there somehow. Gotta keep grinding every day.

The Patriots Literally Had to Redesign Their Stadium to Fit All Their Super Bowl Banners

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With the Patriots season just a couple of weeks away, so too is the Super Bowl Champions banner unveiling. Only problem is, theres no more room at Gillette for any more banners. This is such a amazingly arrogant problem to have I love it. “So when we built this stadium we didn’t anticipate having nearly half a dozen Super Bowl banners just 15 years later.” If you remember the layout of the 4x Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots banners it looked like this.

Needless to say a very arousing photograph with a whole bunch of Super Bowl Champions banners. But alas, there is no room for the newly minted 5th SB Champs banner. And I would rather burn the place down then put it where that ill advised 16-0 banner used to sit.

So how do you solve the best problem to have in the NFL? You literally redesign the entire goddamn thing to MAKE room for the 5th banner (as well as a couple more).

I thank the good lord every day he made me a Patriots fan. See you guys in Minneapolis.

Belichick Refuses to Mention the Jets by Name. Shoe-in for Hater of the Year.

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Yahoo – Belichick and the Patriots are practicing with the Texans this week and the Patriots coach was asked about his long relationship with Texans assistant head coach Romeo Crennel during the press conference. “Well, Romeo and I started together at the Giants in special teams, so he and I coached special teams together and then we coached defensively together through 1990,” Belichick said in comments distributed by the team. “We worked at the Patriots together, then another team, and then back with the Patriots in 2001. I’ve relied on him through the years, both with our team when I worked with him, but even at times outside when we could help each other and it wasn’t a conflict in competitiveness.”

How can you not love a man with this much hate in his heart? A guy thats won FIVE Super Bowls while his former employer has literally become the worst team in the league.

Doesn’t matter. If you’ve got hate in your heart, let it out. Bill still feels like the Jets mistreated him one way or another so whats a bigger fuck you than not even mentioning your name? Its like when people ask about an old ex-girlfriend from college and you just pretend like you can’t even remember her name. Ultimate disrespect.

Even if you think Bill should be over the whole Parcells/Jets situation, you can’t argue that Mangini and the Jets fucked him pretty good in 2007 by creating the whole Spygate scandal. That shit will never die for Belichick.

Some people may call that petty. I call that an insatiable, burning desire to crush your enemies. Thats the kind of general I want to follow into battle.

Falcons Coach Dan Quinn Channeling Michael Scott With His New Weird Clock

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Even a broken clock is right twice a day, right Dan Quinn? I think Dan Quinn is a good coach, but I think he may be bringing over a little too much of the zany Pete Carroll stuff. This weird The Time is Now clock sounds like a Michael Scott motivational poster.

We always hear about how professional athletes are grown ass men that don’t need extra motivation and sometimes even tune out a coach who is too rah rah. Well, bootleg Nike slogans on a clock are probably right up there. And this all comes after his Embrace the Suck after their Super Bowl loss to the Patriots and then of course Matt Ryan cucking himself with that Gatorade commercial getting stomped in said Super Bowl.

But who knows, maybe his players enjoy this stuff. Maybe I’m a jaded robot after 16+ years with emotionless Bill Belichick and the Patriot Way and Do Your Job. Hey if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. And while I thoroughly enjoy watching loud, bombastic coaches on the sidelines, after 5 Super Bowl titles I’ll take the stoic hoodie over Pete Carroll dabbing on the sidelines any day of the week.

Ezekiel Elliott Suspended 6 Games by the NFL. There Goes My Fantasy Season

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I feel like I shouldn’t have to state this disclaimer, but I do. Don’t get it twisted, if Ezekiel Elliott was beating his girlfriend he’s a scumbag and should face something a lot tougher than a couple months off from work. With that being said, lets now move on.

Ezekiel Elliott, you stupid sonofabitch. I’ve said this to you once before and I’ll say it again.

After taking an absolute bath the last couple of years with keepers made out of glass in Thomas Rawls and his predecessor Marshawn Lynch, I was primed for a huge year with stud keeper Zeke. Now he’s out nearly half the season as he faces a six game suspension with the Cowboys’ bye week coming in Week 6. So that first round price tag for a guy who won’t take the field until Week 8 is out the door.

And in some sort of sick joke Marshawn Lynch is back in the league just taunting me. Not a ton of great options for potential keepers for a fantasy football team that finished in 11th place. What a vicious cycle. I guess I could always go with Matt Bryant? At least he won’t be getting suspended for being a complete dickhead.

Half t-shirt wearing, suspension earning, fantasy tanking season Ezekiel Elliott. I think I’ve just made a new enemy. You can join the list of scrub players I send angry letters to asking for my fantasy football money back as penance. Thomas Rawls, Justin Blackmon, Felix Jones, LenDale White, Travis Henry, Carson Palmer. You’re on the list now Ezekiel.

PS – Jerry Jones can eat a bag of dicks on this one.

Miami Dolphins Considered Tim Tebow Before Signing Jay Cutler

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CBS Sports – Cutler wasn’t the only candidate for the gig, according to a report from Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald. Salguero reported on Sunday afternoon that Colin Kaepernick was also one of the quarterbacks the Dolphins considered…A name that will come as a surprise however: TIMOTHY RICHARD TEBOW..Tebow has worked with Gase before as well, however. Gase was Tebow’s quarterbacks coach in Denver back when Tebow and the Broncos miraculously stormed their way to a postseason win over the Steelers.

Guys we were THIS close to Tebowmania coming back to the NFL. If Tebow has proved one thing, okay maybe two, its 1.) he’s actually way better at baseball than people thought he would be and 2.) you keep you name in the spotlight long enough then teams will come calling.

I think thats the playbook of every reality TV celebrity ever. Basically just keep going on other reality TV shows until you either get called up to the big times and become a real, functioning actor like Jamie Chung or just cash in on your pseudo-fame by banking checks on shows like The Challenge. Thats what Tim Tebow has done here, except instead of collecting checks from MTV, he’s collecting checks from Minor League Baseball.

But seriously how great would it have been to have Tebow back on the field? Would have completely torpedoed his whole “I just really want to play baseball” argument, but we’d get the football jesus back. Tebow kneeled on the field before it was cool and caused a national hysteria.

The guy puts asses in the seats and Tebow will forever have a place in my heart because he helped me win my fantasy football league back in 2011.

Jets QB Christian Hackenberg Sent Off the Field for Terrible Practice Performance

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SI – On Monday at Jets’ camp, Christian Hackenberg was having trouble just breaking the huddle correctly. During one rep in seven-on-seven drills, as he approached the line of scrimmage, a coach ordered him to re-huddle. When he broke the huddle again—in the wrong fashion for a second time—he was ordered off the field. No one expects the Jets to contend this season, but at some point, they will have to decide whether Hackenberg is the answer at quarterback, a decision that could affect their 2018 draft plans and their franchise for years to come.

First off, what the FUCK does this even mean? He didn’t exit the huddle correctly? I don’t even understand what that entails. Did he not clap after calling the play? Did he try and line up in the slot like the old Wildcat days? Its such a Jets problem to have too. The guy can’t even get out of the HUDDLE to get ready to attempt to play QB. Forget actually playing QB well. Baby steps guys. J-E-T-S. Just Enough To Suck.