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Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1 Recap House by House

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Season 7 premiered this week with “Dragonstone” and after 6 seasons filled with dozens of story lines and hundreds of characters we’re starting to see the wrap it up box in full effect.

Time to start tying up some loose ends. That may have been the shortest GOT opening credits ever as we’ve finally got all the characters on one continent with only a few key players really left. Now lets sort through them, House by House.

House Stark

Arya with one of the most satisfying moments in the show’s history just straight up erasing House Fray in one shot. You knew something was up when the show skipped the traditional into to get started without delay. GOT only does that when a bombshell is about to be dropped.

And boy did they deliver. We’ve seen Arya going down a dark path for a while now as she’s crossing names off her list one by one, but this was her coming out moment. This was where we all sat back and said oh shit Arya is in play, this isn’t a neat little trick any more, she can seemingly take out anyone at anytime. So now she’s on to kill the queen in Kings Landing. At this point does anyone doubt she actually can? The real question is whats her plan? Its not enough to just kill the people on her list, Arya has a flair for the dramatics as we’re now seeing. Does she ultimately take the face of Joffrey/Tommen/Myrcella/King Robert to really drive the dagger home? Or maybe she borrows the face of good old Ned Stark to fully enact her revenge. The North remembers indeed.

Jon Snow kicked off Season 7 by nearly getting cucked by his sister in front of all the North bannermen. Sansa openly questions his decision to not root out the Houses in the North that didn’t support the Starks against the Boltons. You can see the simmering tension in the power struggle as Jon has been proclaimed King in the North, but Sansa is still technically the heir to Winterfell as a trueborn child of Ned and Catelyn. Sansa tells her brother she just wants a seat at the table and that he’s actually quite good at leading, but if they continue to butt heads does this create a bigger problem for House Stark?

 

House Clegane/Brotherhood Without Banners

The Hound is the first character shown enduring the face that Winter has come, alongside the Brotherhood without Banners. If you remember the father and daughter that the Hound and Arya met last season, ate with and then robbed, it was a green field in a pretty moderate climate.

So Winter is not fucking around and it is creeping south pretty dramatically. The Hound also seems to have bought into the Lord of Light after looking into the flames with Thoros of Myr and seeing the dead marching. After all thats been made of his fear of fire, it will be interesting to see how this plays out, worshipping a fire god and all.

Speaking of Cleganes, the Mountain got himself some fancy new black armor huh? It looks like Cersei has done away with the gold cloaks and donned the Kingsguard (technically Queensguard now) in all black. All black everything just like Cersei’s outfit, is it because she’s in mourning for her children or is she just a black hole of a walking disaster thats about to suck everyone down with her?

House Mormont

Lyana Mormont is still a goddamn G. The fierce little girl from Bear Island legitimately undressing the grown men with decades of experience on her and reducing them to humbled nods.

Jorah Mormont has a meaaaan case of greyscale that has gotten significantly worse. Last season it was like a little bit of eczema on his wrist and now his whole entire arm looks like one of the stone men. Seems like he’s banking on the old maesters, who seemingly don’t do much, to save his ass. Probably ill advised. Can’t be a coincidence that Sam discovered the mountain of dragonglass hiding under Dragonstone though. Maybe thats the ticket to his cure, along with being a White Walker killer.

House Targaryen

Khaleesi FINALLY lands in Westeros after 6 seasons of build up and she gets a pretty baller ass castle with ZERO resistance on Dragonstone thanks to Stannis. The mother of dragons is now firmly within striking distance of Kings Landing so I’m curious how long GOT will play this out. Stannis got from Dragonstone to Blackwater Bay in like 2 episodes, please don’t make this a chore guys. Its also the first time we get a real good look at Dragonstone, its throne room and the overall Targaryen design (chalk full of dragons!) to it aside from the Westeros table map we’ve seen Stannis hover over for years.

Brienne of Tarth

Brienne is still drilling and training Podrick how to fight, who is actually starting to look like a pretty legit swordsman. Tormund is still trying to get it in with Brienne too, telling Podrick he’s “a lucky man” when he sees them fighting. These two will be fascinating to watch this year. Can’t let Jon Snow have the only wildling romance in this whole series right?

House Baelish/House Arryn

Whats Littlefinger’s plan? As Sansa points out, “I know exactly what he wants.” Did Sansa promise her own hand in marriage to Baelish in exchange for the Knights of the Veil? Without his help, Jon Snow would have been toast at the Battle of the Bastards with the Boltons. We all know Littlefinger’s ultimate goal is to climb the ladder of chaos and sit atop the Iron Throne. If he could lock down Sansa, he’d have the Veil and all of the North behind him, but Jon Snow really threw a wrench into that plan in last year’s season finale with the whole King in the North shit.

House Lannister

Jaime seems incredibly weary of Cersei, and rightfully so, because she’s gone off the deep end. “‘Enemies to the east, enemies to the west, enemies to the south, enemies to the north.” Now these two must plan for WTF to do next because legitimately the entire world is coming down on them and soon. Jaime attempting to explain to Cersei the amount of danger their in:

Doesn’t seem like theres going to be a happy reunion between these two and Tyrion either who’s back in town with his new friends.

House Greyjoy

We see Theon and Yara with Khaleesi as they have devoted their ships to the Mother of Dragons, but I think it would be shortsighted not to mention Euron Greyjoy for rocking the first leather biker jacket in Westeros history. Seriously the guy looks like he fell into Bam Margera’s closet. Euron is trying to play everyone and Cersei is not having it. You don’t get verbally abused by Tywinn Lannister for 40 years without picking up some cunning. He mentions he’s looking to marry the most beautiful woman in the world; a queen. BUT, he doesn’t say which one. Keep your eye on this one, he’s officially your Season 7 wild card.

Side notes:

Get Ed Sheeran the fuck off my tv screen. One of the most out of place celebrity cameos ever. It was unecessary, but worst of all it did something Thrones has never done; it made me realize I was watching a TV show. It took everyone out of the show for a few minutes as they asked, why the fuck is Ed Sheeran a Lannister soldier. God that was bad.

Did we really need a 5 minute montage of Sam cleaning up bed pans and dry heaving? Sam and Gilly continue to be the worst story line in the entire show. At least Bran’s storyline got the wrap it up box treatment. Bran legit wasn’t even in Season 5 and then last year he’s traveling through time, talking to Ned Stark at the Tower of Joy 20 years in the past, going face to face with a White Walker and ya know getting Hodor killed. RIP. What has Sam done? Got into a fight with his dad, stole his Valyrian sword (definitely something to remember) went to Oldtown with Gilly and the baby and now is stocking a library and working as a janitor. Riveting. He better come back to Jon with the goddamn secret sauce on how to defeat the Night King.

If thats not enough Game of Thrones talk for you, then stay tuned because we’ve got a brand new segment coming your way real soon…

Yankees Trade for Todd Frazier and I Can’t Help But Think of the 2006 Bobby Abreu Trade the Red Sox Didn’t Make

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Yahoo – The New York Yankees are going for it. They boosted their lineup and the backend of their bullpen in a trade Tuesday with the Chicago White Sox that’s sending slugger Todd Frazier and relief pitchers David Robertson and Tommy Kahnle to the Bronx..The White Sox (38-52) were already in full rebuilding mode and this adds to their minor-league riches, as the Yankees send Chicago a package that includes outfield prospect Blake Rutherford (New York’s No. 3 prospect) and left-handed pitcher Ian Clarkin (No. 19). Big-league reliever Tyler Clippard is also reportedly in the deal, as is outfielder Tito Polo.

The Yankees traded for Todd Frazier last night, swept in under the cloak of night and traded for the guy while I was enjoying a few Bud heavys at Fenway.

This trade did not come lightly though as the Yankees (with a suddenly flourishing minor league system) dealt their No. 3 prospect as part of the deal. Pretty steep for a guy who’s hitting .207 and will be a free agent at the end of the year if you ask me. He does provide some pop though with 16 Home Runs and 44 RBIs on the year. Not convinced? The last 3 years Frazier finished with 40, 35, and 29 Home Runs respectively. (On a side note, as that story points out the White Sox are rebuilding the smart way as they now have 5 of the top 30 prospects and 10 of the top 100 in all of baseball thanks to their recent fire sales.)

Now I wasn’t one of the people clamoring for the Sox to deal more prospects just to put a band-aid on third base. Especially with $50M in dead money from the euthanized Panda we just DFA’d. I’m definitely in the camp that the Red Sox should bolster the bullpen before brining in your 12th third baseman of the year.

HOWEVER, seeing this trade instantly reminded me of 2006 when the Yankees traded for Bobby Abreu because its a similar situation. Abreu, like Frazier, was a solid if not spectacular hitter who was on the market and the Red Sox were rumored to be in on. Then the Yankees swooped in and made the deal for Abreu. Wouldn’t have been as big of a kick in the dick if it wasn’t for the so called Boston Massacre that summer when the Yankees came to Fenway and swept the Red Sox in a rare 5-game series. Complete beatdown. And how’d Abreu do in that series you ask? Oh he merely hit fucking .500 in the series going 10-20 over the 5 games.

Over the course of the 2006 season Abreu hit .297 with 15 Home Runs, 107 RBIs and also had 30 stolen bases. In the second half of the 2006 season alone, playing for the Yankees Abreu hit .330 7 Home Runs, 42 RBIs and 10 stolen bases.

So, yea not a bad guy to have.

Ended up biting the Red Sox in the ass as they never really got right after that 5-game sweep and famously missed the playoffs. Lets just hope Todd Frazier doesn’t repeat history and go on a goddamn tear for the Yankees.

PS – Complex ranked that 5-game regular season sweep as one of the greatest moments in Yankees HISTORY. What a sad and sorry existence in the Bronx.

I Would Trade Every Player On the Celtics Roster for Anthony Davis

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The Vertical – “Rival executives expect Boston to be keeping close tabs on New Orleans, which is entering a critical season. The Pelicans are committed to seeing if an Anthony Davis-DeMarcus Cousins frontcourt can work, but if the season goes awry, it’s widely believed the Celtics will make a strong run at Davis, who is under contract through 2020.”

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: there are growing rumblings around the league about the future of Anthony Davis and how the Celtics could be in on any potential deal. If the New Orleans Pelicans start off poorly next season and the DeMarcus Cousins pairing doesn’t mesh, a lot of smart guys around the NBA like Chris Mannix expect the Pelicans to start listening to offers for Davis.

I am one of the biggest Anthony Davis guys you’ll find. He is a top five player in this league, he’s a future MVP and I just want to state for the record that I would trade every single player on the 15-man roster plus everyone on the Maine Red Claws to get Anthony Davis. He is literally the only guy in the league that can put up a 40 and 20 game. I will buy that AD jersey TONIGHT.

You can have whatever the fuck you want if it gets me Anthony Davis. Sure you can point out that the C’s would be in the same situation the Pelicans are in right now with Anthony Davis and no one around him. But I will take Danny Ainge and Anthony Davis and let them figure it out. I have faith in that pairing. Love you Jaylen Brown. You look like a pretty good player so far Jayson Tatum. Isaiah you’re my guy, but if I can get Anthony Davis I will play one-on-five if I have to. Get me the Brow and we’ll go from there.

Donte Stallworth Talking About How Tom Brady and Randy Moss Ran Improvised Plays in 2007 is Patriots Porn

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In case you missed it, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t bring this Donte Stallworth story about the 2007 Patriots team to your attention. The 2007 Patriots are the greatest, most dominant team I’ve ever seen and were the most fun I’ve ever had watching football. They were straight up dismantling the league, blowing everyone out as a response to the NFL hosing them with the overblown and hypocritical Spygate scandal.

This was also the first year Tom Brady had real weapons around him like Wes Welker, Stallworth and of course Randy Moss.  This season finally helped put to rest the Tom Brady vs Peyton Manning argument. Yes, when TB12 has Hall of Famers catching his passes he can put up 50 TDs too. Some of the plays these guys made were just outrageous though and it turns out some of them were legitimate accidents. Just Brady and Moss out there improvising and freestyling like only two first ballot Hall of Famers can.

PS – If you want to watch every single one of Tom Brady’s 50 TD passes, @fearthe_beard11 is doing Gods work on twitter and tweeted each one out.

NFL and CFL Legend Doug Flutie Named to Toronto All-Time Team

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Toronto Argonauts – The Toronto Argonauts Football Club and the Toronto Argonauts Alumni Association are proud to announce that quarterback Doug Flutie has been named an All-Time Argo. Flutie played in Toronto for two seasons and was named the league’s Most Outstanding Player in both, leading the Argos to back-to-back Grey Cup Championships in 1996 and 1997. He was also named the Grey Cup MVP in both games. The product of Boston College holds the Argos’ single season record for most passing yards (5,720 – 1996), most pass completions (434 – 1996) and most passing touchdowns (47 – 1997).

First off, what a distinction. Rarefied air. Good for Doug Flutie. Now I readily admit I cant name a single other former Toronto Argonaut aside from Ricky Williams, but I recognize greatness. And holy hell did Doug Flutie put up some numbers in the CFL. He was (Canadian) Tom Brady before Tom Brady.

Have you ever actually looked at Flutie’s career CFL stats?

  • His career CFL statistics include 41,355 passing yards and 270 touchdowns.
  • He holds the professional football record of 6,619 yards passing in a single season. He led the league in passing five times in only eight seasons.
  • He once held four of the CFL’s top five highest single-season completion marks, including a record 466 in 1991 which was surpassed by Ricky Ray in 2005.
  • His 48 touchdown passes in 1994 remains a CFL record.
  • He earned three Grey Cup MVP awards, and was named the CFL’s Most Outstanding Player a record six times (1991–1994, and 1996–1997).
  • He passed for 5,000+ yards six times in his career and remains the only player in pro football history to pass for 6,000+ yards in a season twice in his career.

Those are legit Madden on Easy mode numbers, just a disgusting level of dominance of the CFL and their goofy wider field with goalposts in the endzone. Canada WORSHIPS this guy. Like I love Doug Flutie, but he’s a goddamn legend in the great white north. They voted him the greatest CFL player of all-time and then made him the first non-Canadian EVER inducted into Canada’s Sports Hall of Fame.

And how am I only just now hearing about Doug Flutie bobblehead night? I’ve been talking about seriously getting into the CFL this year. I think this is a sign. I think I have to drive up to Toronto for this right? I could expense this to The 300s (read: my credit card) right?

I need a Doug Flutie CFL jersey so bad. Its like acid in my mouth.

Celtics Officially Re-Sign Paul Pierce So He Can Retire With the Green

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You know its the little things in life that bring me the most joy. The Boston Celtics bringing back Paul Pierce on a one day contract to officially retire in green is one of those things.

Paul Pierce was the greatest Celtic of my lifetime for sure. I was too young to watch Larry Bird and those great 80s Celtics teams. So I grew up with those early 00s Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker teams. Pierce was the first guy in my life to get drafted, developed, become an elite NBA player and win a championship. He was the NBA Finals MVP the year they won and he’s gonna have his number in the rafters before too long. If Kendrick Perkins doesn’t get hurt in 2010 or Rasheed Wallace isn’t a complete bum, Pierce has two rings in three years with the C’s. He was competitive – routinely going head to head with LeBron in the playoffs. But above all, he was clutch. This was the guy you wanted with the ball in his hands with the clock winding down. Get Paul the ball, isolate and let him go to work. Didn’t matter who was guarding him, take him to the elbow, give him the Pierce lean to draw the contact or pull up and drain it. I had this Pierce game winner in LeBron’s eyeball as my background for a LONG time.

Pierce was also a part of one of my favorite Boston teams of all time, the 2011 team that lost to the Heat in the Eastern Conference Finals. They only won 39 games that year and finished as the No. 4 seed, but it was the ultimate Grit and Balls team. The Big 3 was an old group of aging vets and this team was on its last legs. They had LeBron and the Heat on the ropes, who needed an otherworldly performance from LeBron to hold them off and ultimately knock the C’s out in 7. But that team was fun as hell to watch, getting by on effort, execution and just straight up balls. Sure they didn’t win the title that year, but they did spawn the best NBA playoffs commercial ever.

To sum it up, Pierce was the one constant for the Celtics over the years. He has the 2nd most points in franchise history with 24,021. He was there as a kid, he was there when the team was BAD, winning less than 30 games, the guy nearly died in Boston after getting stabbed for christ’s sake. He was there for the KG and Ray Allen team up. He was there to hoist the first Larry O’Brien trophy for Boston in 20+ years. Kevin Garnett changed the culture in Boston and they don’t win the title without Ray Allen, but Paul Pierce WAS the Celtics. The guy bled green for 15 years so it’s awesome to see him retire with the Boston Celtics.

HIT THE TRUTH HIGHLIGHTS!

Johnny Manziel is Still on the NFL Comeback Trail

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ProFootball Talk – The odds of Johnny Manziel getting a second chance in the NFL remain long. Yet, despite having not played since 2015, the former Heisman Trophy winner apparently is drawing more interest then Colin Kaepernick. Manziel said Saturday he has had a couple of conversations with NFL teams about a comeback. NFL Network’s Ian Rapoport reported in March that Manziel had breakfast with Saints coach Sean Payton at the Super Bowl to discuss a return.

Right now doesn’t seem like a great time to be a comeback story in the NFL, especially as a QB. With guys like RGIII, Colin Kaepernick and Vince Young in the news for not being able to even get a training camp invite, you can’t be too optimistic for Johnny Football here. However, he was a first round pick, a Heisman winner, and is still only 24 years old somehow. That last sentence just made me feel old as hell.

So while I don’t anticipate it, if Manziel is finally done being a goddamn boozebag and is actually working out again, why not give him a shot? Of all the guys I mentioned above who can’t get a job, they all have some baggage. Kapernick obviously has been a lightning rod for anti-police protests, Vince Young is 34(!), and RGIII is a mobile QB with a surgically repaired knee (thank you Mike Shanahan). Manziel is undersized and has been a party animal, but he’s the youngest guy on this list and with all the egos in the NFL I would think someone would want to take a shot on this guy.

Ezekiel Elliott is Doing His Best to Destroy My Fantasy Football Season and its Not Even August

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ESPN – Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott was involved in a late-night incident at a Dallas bar Sunday, a source confirmed to ESPN’s Adam Schefter. According to the Dallas Police Department, officers were dispatched to the bar around 9:40 p.m. A 30-year-old man said he was physically assaulted but could not identify who assaulted him. The man was taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. A Dallas Police spokesperson said no arrests or suspects have been reported in connection with the incident, which was first reported by 105.3 FM The Fan in Dallas. The investigation is ongoing, according to police.

Before I get into this blog about Ezekiel Elliott yet again getting into trouble off the field, I have to get something off my chest.

Ok, I feel a little better. Part of me wants to write this latest incident off as a young guy getting into a scuffle at a bar like we’ve all done, but then I read this.

“According to the Dallas Police Department, officers were dispatched to the bar around 9:40 p.m.”

If you’re getting into brawls before its even fucking 10 pm, then you are the problem. It means you’ve either been boozing all day long and are legless by sundown or you’re just looking to pick fights like an asshole.

This concerns me not as a citizen of the world, but as a fantasy football owner that needs to have a bounce back season. After getting stuck in the mud with bad keepers the past few years; Marshawn Lynch in his final year before his *first* retirement and then his replacement Thomas Rawls who, despite every report otherwise, missed the first half of the season coming back from an injury. So Elliott’s my first great Keeper option in years.

As for his recent legal problems though. He’s already had a potential suspension hanging over his head for a 2016 domestic abuse allegation that the NFL still has yet to finish its investigation on. Not good. Then last August before his first preseason game he was spotted walking into a marijuana dispensary in Seattle. Before his first fucking game. My man, have a little self awareness. I do not care if you wanna smoke up, just send one of your guys out to get it. Don’t walk into a place where they sell a substance that is banned by the NFL. Especially don’t do this if you were a recent Top 5 pick in the NFL Draft.

Not to mention another run-in with cops at a bar in February (no charges or accusations) and of course the infamous pulling a titty out at a St. Patricks Day parade earlier this year. For the sake of my fantasy title aspirations, get your shit together man.

This is why I hate Keeper Leagues. The rest of my team last year was garbage, so I’m basically banking on Elliott, who was lights out last year. But now I may have to burn a first round pick on a guy who could miss a handful of games. Welp, I guess I’ll be turning on my Google Alerts for every Ezekiel Elliott update as I nervously await bad news.

God damnit.

The 300s Reviews: Pepsi Fire

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I don’t do these reviews because I’m a masochist, I do it because I’m a man of the people. I do it for you. I’m a big fan of obscure drinks like Surge and Crystal Pepsi. Gotta pick out the diamonds in the rough. The best pumpkin spice latte you’ll ever have will be from 7-11. But for every success theres 10 disasters. I’m here to steer the ship so you know what’s garbage and what is so good that you have to at least try it, bodily harm be damned. With that, I introduce, Pepsi Fire.

Cracking the bottle open and its immediately apparent this is not some half-assed Pepsi marketing ploy; this is something different. The smell reminds me of when you run out of ginger ale and you have to mix Jameson with coke. Not a great start.

Poured it over ice and as its bubbling up I notice an unsettling reddish hue. The things I ingest for this blog.

First sip: It tastes EXACTLY like Fireball, which would have been great for Pepsi five years ago. May have even been a hit for Pepsi had Fireball never been invented. But now the cinnamon carbonation immediately brings back memories of ripping shots at the bar at 1 am. Not exactly what I want to pair with…anything really. Take a sip of this hungover and you might as well just call into work sick ahead of time.

Hey another fun fact, this concoction is WAY worse for you than any normal soda, let alone a diet Pepsi. After I poured it out I took a quick glimpse at the nutrition label before I threw it out and I gasped. Literally gasped. Pepsi Fire has 260 calories and 69 grams of sugar of nutrition in it. Jesus christ. Now I guess thats standard for a Pepsi 20 oz bottle, which I didn’t realize because I’m a devout supporter of asparatime in my diet sodas.

My point is, if you have more than 1 of these a month you are going to be in the dentist chair repairing some serious damage. Which I’d be fine with for a respectable drink, but I cannot knowingly destroy my teeth for Fireball soda. Final verdict: I cannot recommend trying this in good conscience. Pass.