Category: NFL

Breaking: Los Angeles Doesn’t Care About Football or the Rams

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St. Louis Post Dispatch – For the season, Rams games have been seen in an average of 9.4 percent of homes in the LA market…In contrast, the worst rating the Rams ever drew during their St. Louis days was 10.9, and that came in 2013 when the Cardinals were playing a World Series game at the same time. The Rams, who have lost six of their last seven games, haven’t drawn a rating above 10.6 in LA this year since Week 2.

People in LA aren’t interested in the terrible Rams team that just moved to town? Color me shocked. The fans lack empathy and don’t tune in to the games? No shit. You don’t say. Let me spend 4 hours every Sunday watching the Rams get their doors blown off. Or because its, ya know, Los Angels and 80 degrees outside, maybe I’ll go to the beach or play volleyball in overly short shorts. I also *love* how the source of the story pointing out the terrible ratings is of all places, the St. Louis Dispatch. Yo, throw that shade. If you’ve got hate in your heart St. Louis, let it out.

It’s like that tourism for California commercial where all the celebrities are downplaying all the stereotypes of LA, while doing those exact things. Yea thats exactly how I picture LA Rams fans. “People think we’re just a bunch of dreamers, with our heads in the clouds,” says the asshole riding the 15 foot tall bicycle. So yea, thats LA for you.

Or how about this one? “People think we’re all celebrities, or surfers. That we’re all into yoga. Or that everyone owns a winery.” Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All assholes. Godspeed Rams, its gonna be a bumpy one.

Betty White does save that commercial from being totally insufferable so.

Los Angeles doesn’t put up with 7-9 bullshit, as Jeff Fisher would say. The only way to get attention in that town is to basically be the Showtime Lakers or the 2003-2005 USC Trojans. Some glitz, some glamour and of course MASSIVE amounts of winning. When you’re a boring team that is also terrible, not a great combo. Todd Gurley’s entertaining commercials aside, him slamming into the back of his O Linemen 30 times a game for no gain does not put asses in the seats.

You know who does put up with terrible football year after year and embraces the 7-9 bullshit?

St. Louis.

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Patriots Rumored to Be Playing Mexico City Game in 2017

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ESPN -“Just one week after the NFL returned to Mexico City for the first time in over a decade, there are already reports suggesting a new contest for the 2017 season. The New England Patriots would face the Oakland Raiders at the Estadio Azteca at some point during the next year, according to ESPN’s John Sutcliffe…Pats owner Robert Kraft is very interested in the possibility of playing in Mexico City.”

So now the hot rumor in the streets is that the NFL is thinking of having the Raiders play the Patriots in Mexico City next year. And as much as I love forfeiting home games, as Robert Kraft is rumored to have pitched, I can’t say I’m too excited for this. Traveling across the country, playing in a stadium with BARBED WIRE FENCES IN THE STANDS all while being 5,000 miles HIGHER than Mile High Field. Mexico City does not seem like a great place. I fully expect and fear a Man on Fire situation where Giselle gets kidnapped by the banditos and Kraft has to hire Denzel Washington or some shit.

Either way, I don’t care if its Mexico, London, Russia or the Moon. Do. Your. Job. And the Patriots will do just that and win….Unless its a late season game in Miami. That I fear.

A Phenomenon was Born Last Night: #AscotWatch

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So in watching Monday Night Football this season something keeps jumping out at me every single week and that is Charles Woodson and his consistently glorious ascot. The man does not rest. New week? New ascot. Last night a golden yellow, or as all the Packers (Michigan?) fans on Twitter chirped at me last night; “Maize.” The man does not disappoint and even he himself got on board with #AscotWatch last night as a phenomenon was born. I already can’t wait for next Monday night. Some of the best responses below.

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Grit and Balls Win from the Patriots

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To quote my man Kevin Garnett, that was a pure Grit and Balls win from the Patriots tonight.

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It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t pretty. But it got the job done. Sure did the defense look like dog shit? Did Tom Brady look a little gimpy? Did the Pats struggle to really get anything going until the second half yet again? Sure. But a win is a win and that last minute strip sack from Chris Long got the juices going. Good night Jets.

 

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Now its time to prep for the Rams and the somehow still has a head coaching job in the NFL; backwards hat Jeff Fisher. ON TO LOS ANGELES!

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Shopping for Fantasy Football Sleepers in Week 11 is a Disaster Scenario

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Shopping for fantasy football sleepers in Week 11 is like going to the grocery store before a big storm is about to hit. The only thing left is garbage that even poor people don’t want. (Shout out to my RB1 Mike Davis for the 0.5 pts in Week 9) For a myriad of reasons I won’t get into (goddamnit Thomas Rawls) my team currently sits in last place, so that grants me the freedom to add/cut players ad nauseum because what do I have to lose? Playoff teams need to think long term to add/stash players, whereas I’m fighting and scrapping just to live to see tomorrow.

This is how you end up finding 1 week gems like Zach Zenner, the white RB from Detroit, who got me 9 pts in his only start of the season and helped me get my first W. After that? Back to the trash heap. Now? Welp guess I’ll take a roll of the dice with CJ Prosise as my RB2 in Week 10. Winner!

I’m now up to 2 wins so I’m screwed either way so I’m just out to sink other people’s teams now with ridiculously lucky moves and untimely huge games for my opponents. Case in point, Ezekiel Elliots 40 pt game the other night against someone fighting for a playoff spot. And hey, even Thomas Rawls my keeper from last year is making his season debut in WEEK ELVEN. Allegedly.

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So who knows, best case scenario I roll off a few wins and finish just outside of the playoffs, but as long as I get to crush a few dreams along the way I’m fine with that.

Fantasy football is about shit talking and spiting your friends. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

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Dion Lewis Almost Ready to Complete Patriots Voltron

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NFL.com – NFL Network Insider Ian Rapoport reported Wednesday that running back Dion Lewis is expected to return to practice this week, per a source. The elusive back started the season on the physically unable to perform list after tearing his ACL last season in early November. His return to practice opens a 21-day window in which he must be activated to the 53-man roster or placed on season-ending injured reserve.

Dion Lewis is almost back. In a word:

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But seriously, is there nothing the rest of the NFL can do to stop the Pats pain train? Got off to a solid start at 3-1, Tom Brady came back in Week 5 and has played OK (i.e. “Leads the NFL in Every Meaningful Category“), Martellus Bennett is flashing his potential with 3 TD games, Gronk is healthy and now we got Dion about to come back? If he can play anywhere close to how he played last year, which is a big if, the Patriots will literally be unstoppable. Dion essentially completes the Patriots version of Voltron (or the Megazord if you’re more of a live action anime kind of guy) and that scares every other team in the NFL.

They’ll have arguably the best player at almost every offensive position on the field. The best QB, the best TE, the best inside receiver, the best No. 2 TE and one of if not the best receiving backs in the league.

Who do you cover? Double Gronk and hope for the best? Good luck. The Bills tried that last year and Lewis went off for 6 catches for 98 yards, 40 yards rushing and a TD. Opposing head coaches and D coordinators are going to start doing a Hue Jackson and just take off their headsets conceding defeat. God it’s good to be a Patriots fan. Now everyone keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times and eat your goddamn vitamins.

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ESPN Now Groveling at the Feet of Bill Belichick

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Now hold the goddamn phone ESPN. Just because Tom Brady is finally back and Belichick held down the fort at 3-1 with 2nd and 3rd string QB’s you think you can just float this puff piece past my desk and I’ll forget about the last 18 months? I don’t think so. I will read every word of this article and I will love it. But I will not forget what you did to my friends in Foxborough. You started a witch hunt, you refused to acknowledge false reports by Chris Mortensen, which turned this little equipment violation into the shit storm we refer to today as Deflategate.

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So no ESPN, I do not accept your apology. Hell, Brady might be the first player to win MVP only playing 12 games. The most competitive guy in the NFL, you think deep down, he may be a little ticked that people are saying “Look the Pats don’t even need Brady, they’re 3-1!” Like Brady is some scrub and the Pats could go to 6 Super Bowls with Rex Grossman under center? Oh, this is gonna be fun.

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Tom Brady is Back and It’s Like He Never Left

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TB12 is back and I have to admit, I am extremely disappointed in the local media. Aside from two tweets of random guys with a couple pics of Brady playing catch around town, there’s been ZERO news or info on him. And the sunbathing pics don’t count because that was over in Italy, I’m talking strictly local media guys. Brady is legit Boston royalty, well really more like a Mob Boss. Because no one reported anything on what he was up to like they feared getting kneecapped as retribution. All my Brady news came from Wes Welker and TMZ. No one even asked him about the pics and I don’t think anyone even thought about bothering Tom on his 4 week vacation. You don’t disturb the boss when he’s busy. More important than any one man’s life… is order. Some straight Keyser Soze shit.

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The NFL is Moving Touchbacks to the 25 Yard Line and Devin Hester is Bullshit

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Yahoo Sports – Say, did you remember that the NFL is moving kickoff touchbacks to the 25-yard-line this year? Devin Hester did, and he’s none too pleased. “It’s like taking away a job from people,” the Falcons return man told ESPN, and by “people” he means himself. Hester is one of the most notable return men in NFL history, boasting five kickoff returns for touchdowns and a dramatic TD return to start Super Bowl XLI.

I would be bullshit too if I was Devin Hester. Dude was once one of the most electric players in all of the NFL, despite only playing in a fraction of the game. He was legitimately feared and only touched the ball a handful of times a game. Definition of an X-Factor.

So now in an effort to reduce the number of players smashing their brains in, the NFL is moving touchbacks out to the 25 yard line this season. For a guy like Hester who averages 24.9 yards per kickoff return this essentially negates his effectiveness. Sure he might pop one off for a TD, but now the difference between a bum averaging 18 yards per return and a stud averaging 24.9 yards per return is nil because teams will just encourage guys to kneel it. Kneel it and we’re 25% of the way to scoring. So kickoff return specialists are going to die a slow death until the NFL just removes the kickoff entirely. Better work on your punt returns, Devin.

Opportunity for Jimmy Garoppolo Could Have Huge Payoff for the Patriots

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Yahoo Sports – Jimmy Garoppolo finds himself in a good situation. He can prepare all offseason as if he’ll be the New England Patriots’ starting quarterback for the first four games of the season, thanks to Tom Brady’s deflate-gate suspension…Think about Brock Osweiler, who was looking at the possibility of going into free agency with almost no regular-season snaps on tape. But Peyton Manning got hurt, Osweiler showed enough in seven starts with the Denver Broncos last season to get a $72 million deal from the Houston Texans, and now he’s their starter.

It’s tough to admit, but the whole Deflategate witch hunt may end up being a good thing for the Patriots. Regardless of all the other shit, it’s looking more and more likely Tom Brady is going to miss 4 games. It’s unlikely that Jimmy Garoppolo is going to play well enough for Belichick and the Patriots to give Brady the Drew Bledsoe treatment, but that’s why this may pay off even better for the Pats. Most people kind of scratched their head when the Pats took Garoppolo in the 2nd round back in 2014. For one, it was the highest Belichick had ever drafted a QB with the Patriots and two, it seemed a year too early.

We all know the Brady decline is going to come eventually, but it doesn’t seem like we’re quite there yet. So the Pats wasted a draft pick right? That may have been true if NFL head coaches didn’t get borderline aroused about young QB’s with potential. I mean look at all the absolute scrubs that have swindled huge contracts from teams based on nothing but potential and limited snaps. If you don’t have a great QB in this league it’s damn hard to be successful so coaches and GMs are willing to roll the dice continuously hoping to strike gold. That’s how guys like Matt Cassel, Matt Schaub, Matt Flynn and most recently Brock Osweiler have landed mega deals with virtually no real playing experience.

Which brings me back to Belichick, this guy is always five steps ahead of the rest of the league. Sure he couldn’t have known Brady would get suspended and give Jimmy G a 4 game audition as trade bait, but we all know TB12 ain’t retiring any time soon. So the Garoppolo pick was definitely made with the ulterior motive of flipping him for even more draft capital. If Garoppolo comes in and plays well, you could very easily get a 1st round pick for a young, promising QB who’s spent the past few years being groomed by the best coach and QB in the game. Jimmy gets paid, Belichick gets TWO 1st round picks in 2017 (giving Gooddell the finger in the process), Brady continues doing Brady things and we start this process over again with Jacoby Brissett, who is more likely on the track to eventual Patriots starter down the line.

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