Gronkowski Out 8 Weeks Due to Back Surgery

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Well thats a pretty shitty way to kick off Thirsty Thursday. Seriously, what a goddamn disaster. All the reports coming out now are saying Gronk will be out for 8 weeks due to a herniated disc in his back that he needs to get surgery on. That puts us right through to the Super Bowl. So in theory, Gronk could be back for the Super Bowl if the Patriots get a top 2 seed, earn a first round bye and win the AFC, all without their best weapon.

All of this if Gronk’s recovery goes as scheduled. Which it never fucking does. Name one Gronk injury that wasn’t filled with drama and setbacks. The torn up knee, the broken arm, doesn’t matter. We’ll get some joint press release from the Patriots and Gronk in like 7 weeks saying how he’s actually out another 6 months. Jesus Christ, it’s like they have the old Red Sox team doctors on staff that completely sandbagged Jacoby Ellsbury with horribly inaccurate target dates to get back on the field. No one ever knows with Gronk and thats what worries me the most.

Oh that and of course he’s getting ANOTHER back surgery, after he already had one in college, which is why he missed his last season at Arizone and which is why he dropped into the second round for the Pats to snatch up. Two back surgeries, a knee surgery, arm surgeries and countless other injuries before you even hit 30? I don’t want to be all doom and gloom, but that is a recipe for disaster and its a goddamn shame because if healthy Gronk has the potential to be the greatest Tight End of *all-time*

Hopefully some additional reports come out in the coming weeks with better news, but right now it looks like we’re back to the days of trying to win Super Bowls without your best player not named Tom Brady. Hey, at least Belichick was smart enough this year to have a mythical creature on the roster as a contingency plan in Martellus Bennett AKA “The Black Unicorn.”

Breaking: Los Angeles Doesn’t Care About Football or the Rams

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St. Louis Post Dispatch – For the season, Rams games have been seen in an average of 9.4 percent of homes in the LA market…In contrast, the worst rating the Rams ever drew during their St. Louis days was 10.9, and that came in 2013 when the Cardinals were playing a World Series game at the same time. The Rams, who have lost six of their last seven games, haven’t drawn a rating above 10.6 in LA this year since Week 2.

People in LA aren’t interested in the terrible Rams team that just moved to town? Color me shocked. The fans lack empathy and don’t tune in to the games? No shit. You don’t say. Let me spend 4 hours every Sunday watching the Rams get their doors blown off. Or because its, ya know, Los Angels and 80 degrees outside, maybe I’ll go to the beach or play volleyball in overly short shorts. I also *love* how the source of the story pointing out the terrible ratings is of all places, the St. Louis Dispatch. Yo, throw that shade. If you’ve got hate in your heart St. Louis, let it out.

It’s like that tourism for California commercial where all the celebrities are downplaying all the stereotypes of LA, while doing those exact things. Yea thats exactly how I picture LA Rams fans. “People think we’re just a bunch of dreamers, with our heads in the clouds,” says the asshole riding the 15 foot tall bicycle. So yea, thats LA for you.

Or how about this one? “People think we’re all celebrities, or surfers. That we’re all into yoga. Or that everyone owns a winery.” Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All assholes. Godspeed Rams, its gonna be a bumpy one.

Betty White does save that commercial from being totally insufferable so.

Los Angeles doesn’t put up with 7-9 bullshit, as Jeff Fisher would say. The only way to get attention in that town is to basically be the Showtime Lakers or the 2003-2005 USC Trojans. Some glitz, some glamour and of course MASSIVE amounts of winning. When you’re a boring team that is also terrible, not a great combo. Todd Gurley’s entertaining commercials aside, him slamming into the back of his O Linemen 30 times a game for no gain does not put asses in the seats.

You know who does put up with terrible football year after year and embraces the 7-9 bullshit?

St. Louis.

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Patriots Rumored to Be Playing Mexico City Game in 2017

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ESPN -“Just one week after the NFL returned to Mexico City for the first time in over a decade, there are already reports suggesting a new contest for the 2017 season. The New England Patriots would face the Oakland Raiders at the Estadio Azteca at some point during the next year, according to ESPN’s John Sutcliffe…Pats owner Robert Kraft is very interested in the possibility of playing in Mexico City.”

So now the hot rumor in the streets is that the NFL is thinking of having the Raiders play the Patriots in Mexico City next year. And as much as I love forfeiting home games, as Robert Kraft is rumored to have pitched, I can’t say I’m too excited for this. Traveling across the country, playing in a stadium with BARBED WIRE FENCES IN THE STANDS all while being 5,000 miles HIGHER than Mile High Field. Mexico City does not seem like a great place. I fully expect and fear a Man on Fire situation where Giselle gets kidnapped by the banditos and Kraft has to hire Denzel Washington or some shit.

Either way, I don’t care if its Mexico, London, Russia or the Moon. Do. Your. Job. And the Patriots will do just that and win….Unless its a late season game in Miami. That I fear.

A Phenomenon was Born Last Night: #AscotWatch

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So in watching Monday Night Football this season something keeps jumping out at me every single week and that is Charles Woodson and his consistently glorious ascot. The man does not rest. New week? New ascot. Last night a golden yellow, or as all the Packers (Michigan?) fans on Twitter chirped at me last night; “Maize.” The man does not disappoint and even he himself got on board with #AscotWatch last night as a phenomenon was born. I already can’t wait for next Monday night. Some of the best responses below.

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I Know It’s Not a Popular Opinion Right Now But I Still Love Kevin James

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I know its not a popular opinion these days with his new garbage Netflix assassin spoof movie and shows like Toucher and Rich skewering his predictably terrible new sitcom Kevin Can Wait…but I still love Kevin James.

It’s just too bad he went to the Adam Sandler School of Mailing It In. Just like Sandler, not to the same extent obviously, James was a funny ass guy with a stand up special that you can still quote in “Sweat the Small Stuff.” Add a hit sitcom that killed for years and is still highly watchable to this day in King of Queens. That show was hilarious with solid writing, George Costanza’s dad and of course the sneaky foxy Leah Remini. That my friends are the ingredients for an enjoyable 22 minutes.

Chuck and Larry – pretty solid. Hitch? Classic. Unfortunately, the money is always too good to turn down and these famous comics, particularly guys who rely on physical comedy, fall back on their shtick (for James it’s the shlubby suburban guy) and collect paychecks for making stuff they 100% know is garbage. I actually watched the new Netflix movie he put out, True Memoirs of an International Assassin, over Thanksgiving, and while it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, I did not laugh.

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Paul Blart? Pretty bad. Paul Blart TWO? Slap in the face. Pixels? Woof. And now the new sitcom is the definition of mailing it in.

But don’t forget the good times people. Some of the top Kevin James moment below that I still quote to this day.

Alarm Clock “Can you wake me up in 7 minutes?”

Water Skiing “He’s down again”

“You got a Butterfinger first you fat ass?”

The Hitch Dance Scene

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Grit and Balls Win from the Patriots

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To quote my man Kevin Garnett, that was a pure Grit and Balls win from the Patriots tonight.

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It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t pretty. But it got the job done. Sure did the defense look like dog shit? Did Tom Brady look a little gimpy? Did the Pats struggle to really get anything going until the second half yet again? Sure. But a win is a win and that last minute strip sack from Chris Long got the juices going. Good night Jets.

 

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Now its time to prep for the Rams and the somehow still has a head coaching job in the NFL; backwards hat Jeff Fisher. ON TO LOS ANGELES!

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Red Sox Brass Must Enjoy Watching All the Former Red Sox Dominate MLB Awards

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With Terry Francona wining AL Manager of the Year yesterday it got me thinking. Francona was manager of the year and was in the World Series, now Jon Lester could very easily win the NL Cy Young tonight to go along with his World Series title, not to mention Theo Epstein potentially winning MLB Executive of the Year. So out of Boston’s not so long ago core of the franchise, we could see a Manager of the Year, Cy Young winner, MLB Executive of the Year and a World Series title all in the same season and the Red Sox will receive ZERO BENEFIT.

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Thats crazy. I know some of these guys have been gone for a couple of years now, but let that sink in. The one time core of the Red Sox may have a clean sweep of the biggest awards in the sport. I honestly don’t know if Larry Lucchino feels bad about ousting pretty much all of these guys or if he just laughs it off and thinks, “Fuck it, I invented Camden Yards.”

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Either way, hopefully its a wakeup call for John Henry to STOP MEDDLING IN BASEBALL AFFAIRS. You ran the best baseball executive of our generation out of town over a pissing contest just so we could hold onto the 70 year old guy who likes to monetize everything down to the goddamn bricks at Fenway. Solid management plan.

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Shopping for Fantasy Football Sleepers in Week 11 is a Disaster Scenario

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Shopping for fantasy football sleepers in Week 11 is like going to the grocery store before a big storm is about to hit. The only thing left is garbage that even poor people don’t want. (Shout out to my RB1 Mike Davis for the 0.5 pts in Week 9) For a myriad of reasons I won’t get into (goddamnit Thomas Rawls) my team currently sits in last place, so that grants me the freedom to add/cut players ad nauseum because what do I have to lose? Playoff teams need to think long term to add/stash players, whereas I’m fighting and scrapping just to live to see tomorrow.

This is how you end up finding 1 week gems like Zach Zenner, the white RB from Detroit, who got me 9 pts in his only start of the season and helped me get my first W. After that? Back to the trash heap. Now? Welp guess I’ll take a roll of the dice with CJ Prosise as my RB2 in Week 10. Winner!

I’m now up to 2 wins so I’m screwed either way so I’m just out to sink other people’s teams now with ridiculously lucky moves and untimely huge games for my opponents. Case in point, Ezekiel Elliots 40 pt game the other night against someone fighting for a playoff spot. And hey, even Thomas Rawls my keeper from last year is making his season debut in WEEK ELVEN. Allegedly.

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So who knows, best case scenario I roll off a few wins and finish just outside of the playoffs, but as long as I get to crush a few dreams along the way I’m fine with that.

Fantasy football is about shit talking and spiting your friends. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

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Richard Sherman Already Complaining Refs Protect Tom Brady Too Much

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CSNNE – “They’ve got several rules to protect him in various situations so you’ve got to be careful with how you sack him.”

Here we go again, Richard Sherman firing up the hype machine and making pre-emptive excuses. Look the only reason you say stuff like this is so you have something to point to when you lose. Two years ago when he was really balling out, Sherman would have just said TB12 sucks or is too old to get it done. Not now, he sees the way Brady is playing and wants to hedge his bets before Sunday Night.

Now I actually like Richard Sherman, but he’s definitely overrated. That pick he had last week against Buffalo was practically a fair catch so don’t give me that.

Is he trying to get the refs attention ahead of the game to not coddle Brady? Probably. But hey this is the NFL, it’s absolutely a QB’s league. With that being said Brady has been taking some massive shots in recent weeks, too many for my liking, so Sherman can pipe down with that.

Tom Brady loves going after defensive players talking shit during the week to try and burn them and I think that’s what Rich is setting himself up for here. People don’t forget.

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Patriots 28-21