AP – The blaring, grinding noise jolted the American diplomat from his bed in a Havana hotel. He moved just a few feet, and there was silence. He climbed back into bed. Inexplicably, the agonizing sound hit him again. It was as if he’d walked through some invisible wall cutting straight through his room. Soon came the hearing loss, and the speech problems, symptoms both similar and altogether different from others among at least 21 U.S. victims in an astonishing international mystery still unfolding in Cuba.

So American diplomats are seemingly being targeted with, what the government is terming “health attacks,” of unidentified audio/sonic attacks. If my pop culture and comic book riddled brain could take a guess as to what this is, its simple; covert Russian mutant spies are looking to stir up the Cold War once again. Russian X-Men basically. Why mutants?

“Some of the incidents were confined to specific rooms or even parts of rooms with laser-like specificity, baffling U.S. officials who say the facts and the physics don’t add up.

Physics don’t add up? Mutants.

I mean has no one seen X-Men First Class? Like half that movie revolves around Cuba and the Cold War.

“None of this has a reasonable explanation,” said Fulton Armstrong, a former CIA official who served in Havana long before America re-opened an embassy there. “It’s just mystery after mystery after mystery.”Suspicion initially focused on a sonic weapon.

A sonic weapon you say? Now is probably a good time to mention one of the main characters in that movie is a mutant named Banshee with this exact power.

“A mutant capable of emitting incredibly strong ultrasonic screams, sonic blasts, sonic bursts, and sonic waves used in various ways.”

Add all that up with the fact that these victims are now having “problems concentrating or recalling specific words” and it just screams espionage.

“Brain damage and concussions, it’s not possible,” said Joseph Pompei, a former MIT researcher and psychoacoustics expert. 

Not possible says a psychoacoustics expert? Meet my friend, Charles.

Yup…mutants. And I know I mentioned X-Men First Class back there, but fuck that, Sir Patrick Stewart will always be the GOAT Professor X.

“FBI investigators swept the rooms, looking for devices. They found nothing, several officials briefed on the investigation said.”

Thats because the X-Men are the ultimate weapon. Come on FBI, read a book for me one time. Now if pieces of metal start bending and flying around and shit then we’ve got a real problem. God damn Russkies, while we’ve been sitting here arguing about Donnie Trump, Putin’s built his own X-Men squad.