Tag: Ezekiel Elliot

Rating Yahoo’s Rankings of the Best Possible Patriots Super Bowl Matchups

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So I’ll save you the pain of imagining a Texans-Cowboys Super Bowl matchup, which Yahoo’s Shutdown Corner had ranked as the worst possible game. Four of the top 5 and 5 of the top 7 potential matchups are all Patriots games too. Who says people don’t wanna see another Pats SB? To the ratings!

7. Patriots – Giants: “Third time’s gotta be a charm, right Pats fans?”

Rating: A+ // This game would be the granddaddy of them all. I would be living off adrenaline and anxiety for two weeks straight leading up to this game. I need to beat the Giants in a Super Bowl more than I need oxygen. It’s like acid in my mouth. Buuuttt, Playoffs Eli scares the shit out of me for obvious reasons and I don’t think I can emotionally handle a 3rd straight SB loss to the Giants. But there coach has a mustache and looks like he’s on a list somewhere so maybe things are different this time. Tread carefully.

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5. Patriots – Seahawks: “Seattle isn’t what it’s been in the past, but it beat New England in Foxborough this season and Super Bowl 49 was an absolute classic. We’ll gladly roll the dice on another round.”

Rating: B+ // This would be another great matchup, the rematch of arguably the best Super Bowl ever with (not arguable) the greatest ending ever. Part of me worries the Seahawks get their revenge, but the last 5 times the Pats have played Seattle have gone: Loss (2016 reg season), Win (SB XLIX), Loss (2012 reg season), Win (2008 reg season). Soo science says the Patriots win this one.

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4. Patriots – Falcons: “This matchup might not be at the front of everyone’s mind, but it has just as much potential for a great game with the league’s top scoring defense (New England) trying to harness the league’s top scoring offense (Atlanta).”

Rating: C+ // I want to rank this higher, but every angle that the media will play to hype this game seem forced. Thomas Dmitroff left NE, built this Atlanta team and is now going against his former boss Bill Belichick, Former Boston College stud Matt Ryan going up against the Boston pro team etc. However it would be pretty interesting to see the NFL’s No. 1 scoring offense (ATL) vs the NFL’s No. 1 scoring defense (NE) and see who takes the title.

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3. Patriots – Packers: “Tom Brady vs. Aaron Rodgers. What more do you need?”

Rating: B- // Yahoo somehow did not mention a SB XXXI rematch?? (Still the best SB logo ever BTW) Belichick was just a young pup in 1996, the assistant coach under Bill Parcells. Think Belichick would love to beat the same franchise his mentor and boss couldn’t? Plus Brady vs Rodgers would indeed be a matchup made in Madden exhibition mode.

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1. Patriots – Cowboys: “Yes, Super Bowl media week would be insane and there’s no way anyone is running out of storylines with Jerry Jones around. But take away the hoopla that would cause TV ratings records to be smashed and we’re still left with a game between two teams that were the best in the NFL from wire to wire this year. If this matchup happens, it’ll be the fourth straight Super Bowl that the No. 1 seeds meet in the Super Bowl.”

Rating: B+ // The two biggest franchises in the NFL. America’s Team vs the Team That Invented America. The parallels are crazy too. A young QB stepping in for the injured veteran, playing so well he keeps the job and leads his team to a Super Bowl title. Shit, no I don’t like the way this is setting up. Luckily the Pats run defense is their strength because Ezekiel Elliot could dominate this game single handedly. In the end though I think Brady and co. make it a track meet and I don’t think Dak Prescott, as well as he’s played, is ready to win that kind of game yet.

A Festivus Airing of Fantasy Football Grievances

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With Festivus coming up and after narrowly avoiding my first Sacko last night, I just wanted to take the time out for a proper Airing of Grievances for my once promising fantasy football team that went straight to hell. Below is the original team that took the field on Week 1; til death do us part.

QB1: Jameis Winston: The 13th scoring QB in fantasy this year. Look I’ve won titles with Donovan McNabb and Tim Tebow. QB was not the problem here.

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QB2: Philip Rivers: Traded him for a 2017 3rd round pick once my season was cooked. Draft board flexibility like you read about.

WR1: Alshon Jeffery: Decent stats, but was ultimately at the mercy of shithead Smokin Jay Cutler. Oh and ya know got popped for PEDs and missed 4 weeks down the stretch.

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WR2: Michael Floyd: – Shout out to my number 2 WR who can hold his booze just about as well as he can hold a football. On the verge of a breakout season in a top offense and he ends up with just as many drops as touchdowns (4) before being cut for getting a DUI. This was after cops found him piss drunk passed out at the wheel of his car in an intersection. Not to mention just 33 catches on 70(!) targets. Now, that is what I call Return. On. Investment.

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RB1 and KEEPER: Thomas Rawls: Coming off a beast finish to 2015 with 830 yards on just 147 carries for 5.6 YPC, Rawls was a sneaky steal with a 16th round pick as a keeper. Dude did break his leg though, which made it risky, but sometimes ya gotta race.


All the reports and draft experts pointed towards Rawls being ready for Week 1 and naturally he ran for a combined 25 yards in the first two games before ultimately missing EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS. The guy didn’t put in a good game until Week 13. SAD.

RB2: Ezekiel Elliot: We good.

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TE: Zach Ertz: Solid first game. Dislocated a rib. Didn’t have a good game until Week 9. God damnit.

Flex: Allen Hurns: 22b933b11f8c0890c6e8a1efed1046fe3f99a3aa188dd315d89cbaeb74b5ae7b

Flex: Willie Snead: Some weeks I score 30 points. Other weeks I put up a goose egg. Enjoy the ride.

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6 Bench Spots:

(IR) Danny Woodhead: BEAST. But got hurt again and submarined any solid PPR flex options for me.

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Jeremy Langford: Oh just a *total* asshole. A starting RB with potential solely because of workload volume alone. So what’s he do? Suck, get hurt and lose his job. Another draft pick nailed.

(IR) Shane Vereen: Hurt and missed most of the season.

(IR) Josh Doctson: I *also* drafted Breshad Perriman last year who *also* missed his entire rookie season.

(IR) Braxton Miller: A dart throw who had exactly one game with more than 4 pts and ultimately wound up on IR. Brock Osweiler is radioactive to offense.

Kickers and defenses do not matter so I will not address them.

Final Record: 4-9 for an 11th place finish

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Shopping for Fantasy Football Sleepers in Week 11 is a Disaster Scenario

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Shopping for fantasy football sleepers in Week 11 is like going to the grocery store before a big storm is about to hit. The only thing left is garbage that even poor people don’t want. (Shout out to my RB1 Mike Davis for the 0.5 pts in Week 9) For a myriad of reasons I won’t get into (goddamnit Thomas Rawls) my team currently sits in last place, so that grants me the freedom to add/cut players ad nauseum because what do I have to lose? Playoff teams need to think long term to add/stash players, whereas I’m fighting and scrapping just to live to see tomorrow.

This is how you end up finding 1 week gems like Zach Zenner, the white RB from Detroit, who got me 9 pts in his only start of the season and helped me get my first W. After that? Back to the trash heap. Now? Welp guess I’ll take a roll of the dice with CJ Prosise as my RB2 in Week 10. Winner!

I’m now up to 2 wins so I’m screwed either way so I’m just out to sink other people’s teams now with ridiculously lucky moves and untimely huge games for my opponents. Case in point, Ezekiel Elliots 40 pt game the other night against someone fighting for a playoff spot. And hey, even Thomas Rawls my keeper from last year is making his season debut in WEEK ELVEN. Allegedly.

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So who knows, best case scenario I roll off a few wins and finish just outside of the playoffs, but as long as I get to crush a few dreams along the way I’m fine with that.

Fantasy football is about shit talking and spiting your friends. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

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