Even a broken clock is right twice a day, right Dan Quinn? I think Dan Quinn is a good coach, but I think he may be bringing over a little too much of the zany Pete Carroll stuff. This weird The Time is Now clock sounds like a Michael Scott motivational poster.
We always hear about how professional athletes are grown ass men that don’t need extra motivation and sometimes even tune out a coach who is too rah rah. Well, bootleg Nike slogans on a clock are probably right up there. And this all comes after his Embrace the Suck after their Super Bowl loss to the Patriots and then of course Matt Ryan cucking himself with that Gatorade commercial getting stomped in said Super Bowl.
But who knows, maybe his players enjoy this stuff. Maybe I’m a jaded robot after 16+ years with emotionless Bill Belichick and the Patriot Way and Do Your Job. Hey if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. And while I thoroughly enjoy watching loud, bombastic coaches on the sidelines, after 5 Super Bowl titles I’ll take the stoic hoodie over Pete Carroll dabbing on the sidelines any day of the week.
Last night though this suave new guy stepped in (prob because Guerin has pneumonia from one of those Gatorade waterboardings) and showed everyone how its done.
So Brian Johnson threw a complete game shutout in his Fenway debut, the first pitcher to do that since a guy named Pedro Martinez. Anyways, BJ got the customary Gatorade bath, and per usual Guerin Austin suffered the collateral damage. At this point I feel like that’s got to be in her contract that she accepts frequent Gatorade baths and has to pretend its funny that a Sox player ruined another one of her coats.
Another #RedSox win another instance of @guerinaustin getting the Gatorade bath. We’re gonna break this one down like the Zapruder film.
First off, before we get into this review, props to Dunkies for actually trying something new for a change. I don’t know how many more shitty breakfast sandwich variations I can take on different types of old bread. But, back to the Monster Energy Punch. It would seem Dunkies is looking to crack into the market of under 30 that may prefer Red Bulls to black coffees. Or the Friday night Allston pre-game crowd. Same thing, I guess.
I think the best way to describe this is probably…….pure poison. I am not a health nut by any means, when I’m at the dentist getting my 8th cavity filled I know why and I have no regrets. But, when I first ordered the thing I was a little unsettled when they slapped a Double Gulp down on the table. No sizes to choose from; this is the one you get. This is 64 ounces of pure sugar so theres no dipping your toes in the water here. Hold you nose and dive in.
Lets go through a timeline of events just to give a little perspective.
8:15 am: Went with the Blue Raspberry. First sip? Actually not terrible. Its pretty sweet, but I mean thats to be expected when you mix a can of Monster (using the green flavor over the sugar free blue can is where this starts to go wrong) with a goddamn fruit Coolatta.
Theres probably some chemical warfare going on in my liver right now, but I am pretty jacked up from the Dunkin Monster Energy punch at 8 am
8:30 am: Took a few sips of this behemoth on my drive to work, but immediately its apparent that this is not a drink you’re going to chug, no matter how badly you need a caffeine fix.
8:50 am: I am feeling the buzz. I highly doubt its the caffeine. As a habitual abuser of energy drinks, I know this shit is not energy. This is a sugar high felt only by the likes of a toddler on Halloween. Alright, lets ride this out.
9:10 am: I am starting to question my life choices. I’ve drank maybe 10% of the Monster Energy Punch and the buzz is already starting to fade.
9:20 am: I am full on hungover from sugar and hesitant to put any more of this concoction in my body.
Update: Your @DunkinDonuts scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should. pic.twitter.com/sXwqtNOB1w
9:45 am: We have thrown in the white flag. Do not want. Get this shit out of my face as fast as possible.
While I tip my hat to Dunkies for jumping into something new with both feet, holy hell how did this make it past the fucking test kitchen?
This is unsurprisingly a diabetes BOMB and you would have to be a degenerate to put down the entire Gatorade cooler worth of punch they give you. Can’t recommend it, but if you choose to tackle this drink you do so at your own risk. I still love Dunkin, guy.
The 300s 