New York Times – Why are we suddenly talking about canned tuna and millennials? The Wall Street Journal reported on Sunday that overall consumption of the packaged fish has declined by more than 40 percent in the United States over the last three decades, according to the Department of Agriculture.

Among the reasons that people are less inclined to reach for a can of Bumble Bee: It isn’t convenient enough for younger consumers. Many people “can’t be bothered to open and drain the cans, or fetch utensils and dishes to eat the tuna,” The Journal reported.

But the rationale that cut hardest, it seems, was a quotation from a vice president for marketing and innovation for StarKist, one of the big three tuna purveyors.

“A lot of millennials don’t even own can openers,” he said.

It’s my duty to call out these “Millennials Killed x” articles every time I see one. We’ve been blamed for killing the economy, tipping, home ownership, SEARS, personal health, and now millennials are getting blamed for killing CANNED TUNA. Look if this were 11 years ago then they may have a point with that last line because when I was a freshman in college, as sad as it is to admit, I didn’t own a can opener. Hell if I knew how to work one.

I was like a wounded baby deer wandering through the woods, blacking out 2-3 times a week just trying to find my way in this world.

But I also didn’t own silverware, cups that weren’t plastic and red, or a fridge that could fit more than one Red Barron pizza and 4 cans of beer soda. So I probably wasn’t the best test case as a kid living on his own for the first time. Except, I am on record as being a huge tuna guy so you know what I did in that strange time of my life? I bought those little bags of tuna that you walk by in the grocery store and ask who the hell would eat those?

I bought the shit out of those little bags of fish. They were delightful in the absence of a can opener. So Big Tuna can go screw with this attempted defamation of character. Millennials may be too poor to buy anything, but don’t you dare say we killed tuna.

Papa Giorgio and I took a picture with Tuna HQ in Pittsburgh for christs sake. Said picture was unfortunately lost somewhere between my iPhone 4 and now though.

If they want to blame anyone they should really blame Keenan and Kel. One episode on Nickelodeon Splat in the mid 90s and everyone between the ages of 25-35 will never eat tuna ever again.