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Falcons Coach Dan Quinn Channeling Michael Scott With His New Weird Clock

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Even a broken clock is right twice a day, right Dan Quinn? I think Dan Quinn is a good coach, but I think he may be bringing over a little too much of the zany Pete Carroll stuff. This weird The Time is Now clock sounds like a Michael Scott motivational poster.

We always hear about how professional athletes are grown ass men that don’t need extra motivation and sometimes even tune out a coach who is too rah rah. Well, bootleg Nike slogans on a clock are probably right up there. And this all comes after his Embrace the Suck after their Super Bowl loss to the Patriots and then of course Matt Ryan cucking himself with that Gatorade commercial getting stomped in said Super Bowl.

But who knows, maybe his players enjoy this stuff. Maybe I’m a jaded robot after 16+ years with emotionless Bill Belichick and the Patriot Way and Do Your Job. Hey if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. And while I thoroughly enjoy watching loud, bombastic coaches on the sidelines, after 5 Super Bowl titles I’ll take the stoic hoodie over Pete Carroll dabbing on the sidelines any day of the week.

Introducing the MLB Players Weekend Hats AKA Straight Acid Trip Apparel

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To go along with Players Weekend and the nicknames jerseys, MLB is also rolling out some new wacky hats to match. This is some straight up acid trip apparel that I am unfamiliar with. Are the managers going to be required to wear Kramer’s technicolor dreamcoat?

But seriously, these are some wacky color combos. I’m 100% a jaded man and see this is a blatant marketing cash grab, disguised as a fun, quirky gimmick to show how fun baseball is. Now unsurprisingly you’ve got your usual suspects of teams that did the bare minimum like the Yankees, the Giants, and the Angels.

The Giants and the Angels basically just rolled out their normal hats. Good job, good effort guys.

Then you’ve got teams who said, “Acid? Why not make it 2 tabs, lets fucking go!”

Now theres actually a few pretty sharp hats in here too that take advantage of the wild color schemes and use it to create something fun and eye catching:

This is a choice hat by the Rockies going with their secondary logo, that is a great goddamn hat.

Doesn’t matter if you’re the worst team in baseball if you look slick in a new cap and the Liberty Bell logo here does that as both bold yet minimalist.

Really solid hat here for Minnesota, combining the state outline with the Twin Cities logo.

Unfortunately the Red Sox were not one of those teams, which hurts to say coming from a HUGE hat guy like myself. The Sox Players Weekend hat is a decidedly mediocre “meh.”

The other contenders for “hats I would potentially buy.”

You can never go wrong with a sexy throwback A’s hat. Pair this with a bushy mustache and a YUCK t-shirt to go full Dennis Eckersley and David Price legitimately may fight you on Yawkey Way.

Pirates usually have some pretty solid caps as I am the proud owner of the throwback striped pillbox hat.

This is a solid effort from the Pirates for Players Weekend, probably could’ve used a black brim though to even things out a bit.

Despite the fact I just deducted points from Pittsburgh for going too yellow, the Rays embrace it with the still ridiculous sunburst logo to make an exceptionally loud hat.

Now THAT is how you break down the apparel of professional sports teams. Your move, Uni Watch.

 

 

John Farrell’s Reaction to Not Knowing a Rule in Last Night’s Game is a Hall of Fame GIF

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So in last night’s dramatic come from behind win, there was a moment that spawned one of the greatest GIFs in a long time. John Farrell came out to the mound to make a pitching change, immediately following a mound visit from the pitching coach, which you can’t do. Manager John was legitimately stunned by this, which is not a great look for a Major League Baseball manager.

To be fair, I wasn’t 100% sure on this rule either because I’ve seen it done before, but then again its always due to an injury mid at-bat. I’m also not a MLB manager who should probably have a tighter grasp on the rules than a blogger.

Ezekiel Elliott Suspended 6 Games by the NFL. There Goes My Fantasy Season

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I feel like I shouldn’t have to state this disclaimer, but I do. Don’t get it twisted, if Ezekiel Elliott was beating his girlfriend he’s a scumbag and should face something a lot tougher than a couple months off from work. With that being said, lets now move on.

Ezekiel Elliott, you stupid sonofabitch. I’ve said this to you once before and I’ll say it again.

After taking an absolute bath the last couple of years with keepers made out of glass in Thomas Rawls and his predecessor Marshawn Lynch, I was primed for a huge year with stud keeper Zeke. Now he’s out nearly half the season as he faces a six game suspension with the Cowboys’ bye week coming in Week 6. So that first round price tag for a guy who won’t take the field until Week 8 is out the door.

And in some sort of sick joke Marshawn Lynch is back in the league just taunting me. Not a ton of great options for potential keepers for a fantasy football team that finished in 11th place. What a vicious cycle. I guess I could always go with Matt Bryant? At least he won’t be getting suspended for being a complete dickhead.

Half t-shirt wearing, suspension earning, fantasy tanking season Ezekiel Elliott. I think I’ve just made a new enemy. You can join the list of scrub players I send angry letters to asking for my fantasy football money back as penance. Thomas Rawls, Justin Blackmon, Felix Jones, LenDale White, Travis Henry, Carson Palmer. You’re on the list now Ezekiel.

PS – Jerry Jones can eat a bag of dicks on this one.

Jesse from The Fast And The Furious is Alive. Well, Sort Of

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Jalopnik – Jesse was such an underrated character in the first Fast & Furious movie, spouting such gems as “overnight parts from Japan” and his prayer to the car gods. Sadly, he didn’t survive to the sequels. But a shop in Canada recreated his car, and the stoke is strong with nostalgia all around here.

Okay, so I guess the actor who played Jesse was always alive, but I haven’t seen him since that dirty motherfucker Johnny Tran gunned him down in LA all those years ago. So it was a little emotional seeing Jesse back with his white Jetta alright?

Maybe this is the phoenix rising from the ashes moment for Jesse?

“The car’s mission is actually to get Jesse’s character back on people’s radar and get him into another Fast & Furious movie as some of you (jokingly?) predicted in the comments.”

YES! Hey you already brought one character back from the dead in Letty, so why not bring back Jesse? Sure, he got filled with lead on Dom Toretto’s front lawn, but I mean Jon Snow got stabbed in the heart and he came back to life. Its Hollywood, just have a throw away line explaining it and people will accept it and move on. We all accepted a street racing mechanic evolving into a criminal mastermind/GI Joe/CIA operative so lets not let the law of reality stop us now guys.

PS – For the cool price of $46,200 I could have owned Jesse’s original Jetta from Fast 1 signed by the late great Paul Walker (may he rest in peace). Thats a bargain and a definitive upgrade from my Mazda.

The Yankees Have Succumb to Names on Jerseys for Players Weekend and it Makes Me Laugh

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For years the Yankees and their fans have had a smug sense of entitlement because they all sport a Boys Regular haircut, shave their beards, and most importantly don’t have names on the backs of their jerseys. Well that and the obscene number of WS trophies. But, hey its the Yankees, you should know who the players are without any names on the jerseys.

Welp, throw that shit right out the window because later this month, just like the rest of us common folk, the Yankees players will be wearing jerseys at home with players names on the back for the FIRST TIME SINCE 1915.

And its not just any jersey its the ridiculous cash-grab of a marketing scheme jerseys with not only players’ names on the back, but WACKY nicknames to boot. Names like “All Rise,” “Red Thunder,” and “All Staarlin” will desecrate the sacred confines of Yankee Stadium. Welcome to the poor house with the rest of us, Yankees fans.

PS – Shoutout to Brett Gardner for saying ya know what fuck this, just put my name on the back. Respect that hate.

2016 Cy Young Winner and Current 14-Game Loser Rick Porcello Threw an Immaculate Inning Last Night

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After winning the Cy Young last year Rick Porcello has struggled mightily in 2017 with 14 L’s to his name currently. He is gunning for the rare distinction of not only winning 20 games, but also losing 20 games in a season. This guy is a fucking enigma. He undoubtedly is better than his record as he has had the worst run support of any Red Sox starter this year so its definitely not all on him. But, the closer you inch to 20 losses with an ERA approaching 5, the less people really care about the details.

So last night he throws 5 dominant innings before getting knocked around in the 6th. In the bottom of the 5th though Porcello had the uber rare Immaculate Inning, which is getting 9 strikes on 9 pitches to record 3 outs. Do you realize how rare that is? There have been 89 Immaculate Innings pitched all-time compared to 296 no-hitters. Its less common than a NO-HITTER!

So hopefully this Immaculate Porcello shows up in the playoffs and not the 14 (and counting) game loser or the freshly minted Cy Young winner who got lit up in the playoffs last year. An enigma indeed. The Many Faced Pitcher.

 

 

The 300s Game of Thrones Season 7 Ep 4 Recap: House by House

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Hoooly hell. The 4th episode of Game of Thrones season 7 “The Spoils of War” was an all-timer that legitimately had my heart rate bumping as the credits rolled. What made this episode all the more exciting was the unexpected nature of it. If you watched the preview for this episode after last week’s show, you saw the look of concern from Jaime looking over the hill. So you knew something was coming. But no one expected the hoard of Dothraki AND Khaleesi riding Drogon. A ton of huge stuff went down in what was ironically the shortest episode of Thrones ever. House by House, Lets get it.

House Stark

  • Arya has finally returned to Winterfell for the first time since the Game of Thrones pilot and holy hell can she fight. Arya always looked like a promising water dancer after training with Syrio Forel and of course what she leanred from the Hound. What we see from her in this short fight scene with Brienne though shows just how far Arya has come.
  • No longer is she a little girl trying to be a swordsman; she is a certified badass. This fight scene is symbolic too because of all the people Arya has met over the years she definitely holds Brienne in a high regard because of her ability, as a woman, to defeat the Hound in single combat. So to see Arya basically toy with Brienne and showcase her insane fighting talent was incredible.
  • Another quick little callback that Thrones seems to be peppering this season with came when Brienne asks Arya who taught her to do that and she responds “No one.” No one? Why does she say that? Because a man has no name…

  • Sansa for the second episode in a row learns that one of her siblings has been up to some shit. Sansa understandibly thought she had the hardest road of all her siblings after everything she’d been through with Cersei, Joffrey, Ramsay etc. But she’s slowly starting to realize that Bran and Arya have been through the ringer as well. Does Sansa seem a little disheartened after seeing Arya fight? Bran’s got the sight and Arya is a little assassin…what does Sansa really have? Other than a mind for politics?
  • Bran also is seemingly about to blow up Littlefinger’s spot, whether he realizes it yet or not. Bran basically knows everything, but having that much information in your head makes most of it white noise. So its like he’s flipping through the channels and seeing little tidbits about the people around him from over the years. So its only a matter of time until he learns how to hone in on specific things. Littlefinnger gives Bran the Valeryian steel dagger (Exposition!) that was used in his attempted murder and mentions how coming home now must be chaos and Bran cuts him off saying “Chaos is a ladder.” Uh oh.
  • Littlefinger is shook because he said this exact shit to Varys years ago in the Throne Room.
  • Its at this exact moment Littlefinger realizes he is on the hot seat like a coach coming off a 7-9 season and he now knows Bran could be a problem. How long before Bran realizes Littlefinger’s potential role in his attempted murder, what about the time he got Ned Stark killed by turning on him? Or how he kicked Lysa out the goddamn moon door? I’m sure Nestor Royce wouldn’t be too stoked about that.
  • Now a few things in play here. He can’t just make another attempt on Bran’s life and get away with it so how does Littlefinger play this one? What happens to the Vale if the Starks just straight up off Littlefinger though? He is the Lord of the Vale after all. Welp, Nestor Royce, who was on Baelish’s trial in the Vale after Lysa’s death has no love for Littlefinger so maybe it won’t be a problem.

  • But that little breastfed-for-far-too-long Robert Arryn (who refers to Littlefinger as Uncle Petyr) is probably like 16 now so he’s due for a comeback. Again, GoT does not just send off characters randomly without explaining what happened to them or bringing them back. Last time we saw him he was training with a sword and a bow. I doubt he’s going to suddenly be The Hound, but he’s definitely due for a comeback.
  • Also, how about Bran interacting with Meera who says she has to go home and Bran basically just saying “K thanks see ya.” Meera’s been dragging his ass through the woods north of the wall for years, her brother Jojen legit died for Bran. Them and Hodor are the only reason the human backpack is alive. Yet he’s changed so much becoming the Three Eyed Raven he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to even feign empathy anymore.”I remember being Bran, but I remember so much else,” Bran says to Meera. Kid is dead inside.

House Targaryen

  • Jon brings Dany into the cave below Dragonstone to show her not just the dragonglass but also the mysterious paintings. Jon explains how they were put there by the Children of the Forest and show how they banded together with the First Men to take on the White Walkers.

  • Anybody else notice the shapes of those paintings on the walls? They matched the same shapes the White Walkers routinely left bodies up north over the years, including in the pilot. Is this the White Walkers just mocking them?
  • Khaleesi is losing allies by the day so she mentions why not just hop on her dragon, burn the Red Keep to the ground and be done with it? But even Jon says if you do that you wont be any different, you’ll just be another power hungry, violent, usurper.
  • Khaleesi has been patiently taking her team’s counsel, but she seems pretty over Tyrion’s advice as its turned out poorly thus far. She actually stops just short of outright accusing him of treason because of all these failures insinuating he doesn’t want to hurt the Lannisters. As I mentioned last week it seems like the failure of strategy and being outsmarted has seemed to rattle Tyrion a bit so this can’t help the old ego.
  • Finally we see the Dothraki unleashed on Westeros like we had discussed as a distinct possibility on the 300s Podcast. It seems like Khaleesi is starting to take the late Olenna’s advice, “Be a Dragon. We see the Dothraki hoard taking on the Lannister army after hearing for years how it was suicide to do so, chief among them the late King Robert.

  • Behind a castle the Dothraki are much easier to beat, but in an open field they’re unmatched. So this is the first time we get to see that go down and it is WILD. They definitely earned the nickname Dothraki Screamers and it was awesome to see the guys standing up on their galloping horses firing arrows as they charge.
  • Not to mention adding insult to injury for the Lannisters Khaleesi flies in on Drogon and starts burning soldiers left and right and roasting their entire supply chain.
  • It’s the first time we’ve truly seen the dragons in play in a battle and it is glorious. Unsurprisingly they just run train, but why is Khaleesi not wearing ANY armor? Sure the dragons can just take out an army no problem, but Khaleesi is still a 120 pound blonde girl up there. Maybe put on a helmet or at least a heavy winter coat?
  • BUT the Lannisters suddenly have a trump card in the absolute howitzer of a bow and arrow known as the Scorpion. Bronn snipes Drogon and nearly takes the gigantic beast down with one shot. (Full disclosure: this scene gave me a full on identity crisis. I love Bronn, but I’ll openly weep if this dragon goes down right now. Real tough times so keep me in your thoughts.) This is gonna be ROUGH moving forward with all our fav characters directly trying to kill each other.
  • So the real question is now Khaleesi knows that her dragons, who she previously though untouchable, can be hurt or maybe even killed. How does that change her plans? I would think this makes her a little hesitant to ride around Kings Landing just pillaging the place. This was just one Scorpion in a field. Imagine the dozens or hundreds of these things Qyburn has built in Kings Landing? This is a legit defense to a previously thought unmatched weapon in the dragons. And suddenly the playing field is not as lopsided as we thought. Lannisters still don’t have an army though…

 

House Lannister

  • We discussed the battle above so we don’t need to dive into the specifics of that again. One of the shots that stuck out to me was Tyrion on the hill. We see him watching all of the Lannister soldiers burn and it it looks like he’s having a mini existential crisis. He may only now be coming to terms with the fact that he’s not just fighting Cersei’s crazy ass, he’s also turning on his entire House and his beloved brother. How does that affect his mindset as we get closer to the end?
  • How about Bronn saving Jaimes ass yet again? If it weren’t for Bronn, House Lannister would have been dust in the wind by now. So back to Jaime, who went all Leeroy Jenkins in a last ditch effort to try and take out a suddenly grounded Khaleesi.
  • Pretty dumb plan to be honest, considering there is still a 500 pound dragon sitting next to her. Why not chuck the spear? I guess because he still can’t do shit with his left hand?
  • This whole scene is telling because if you remember the conversation way back in Season 1 between Jaime, King Robert and Ser Barriston they’re telling tales from their first kills in battle. Robert basically details this exact moment of how a man tries to end the rebellion himself like a fool.

“Mine was some Tarly boy at the Battle of Summerhall. My horse took an arrow so I was on foot, slogging through the mud. He came running at me, the dumb high-born lad, thinking he could end the rebellion with a single swing of his sword. I knocked him down with the hammer. Gods, I was strong then. Caved in his breastplate. Probably shattered every rib he had.”

Time is a flat circle.

House Greyjoy

  • Euron’s basically out there lurking like a goddamn snake in the water, except now his role is going to be even larger. With the majority of the Lannister army burnt out (I’ll see myself out) Cersei NEEDS him and the Iron Fleet now more than ever. If there’s one person who’s going to take advantage of leverage, its Euron.
  • Upon seeing Theon for the first time in years, Jon has to restrain himself from killing him right there on the beach, ironically right after he tells Khaleesi how they must all band together despite their issues with one another. This is the first time they’ve seen each other since Theon betrayed his brother Rob and essentially destroyed Winterfell. Theon himself says he could never take the Black and join the Nights Watch because Jon Snow would literally kill him.
  • Jon knows Theon didn’t actually kill Rickon and Bran obviously buttt he did still behead Ser Rodrick and he IS ultimately responsible for Maester Luwin getting killed and the whole place getting torched. So thats a tough one to forgive still. It’s only because of his role in helping Sansa escape Ramsay that he’s alive now. So it will be interesting to see how their relationship progresses. As Ramsay was helping Theon “escape” the Dreadfort a few seasons ago, Theon broke down in tears because he betrayed his brothers and even said “My real father lost his head in Kings Landing.” He truly does consider the Starks his family, but the feeling may not be mutual anymore.

Other notes from around the realm:

  • Looks like Jon Snow and them are finally getting some use out of Bran, who I lovingly referred to as “the backpack” for the last 6 seasons. In the preview of Episode 5 Bran seemingly wargs into some ravens over the Wall and sees the White Walkers nearing East Watch by the Sea, which is also where Tormund is. So it could be curtains for your favorite wildling as he’s the first line of defense holding that castle on the Wall. If you’ve been reading this weekly breakdown though, you know how in the GoT opening credits the water that Eastwatch is usually flanked by is now frozen over. So I fully expect the White Walkers to just walk around the Wall. Huge design flaw guys.

  • Missandei asking Jon why he is named “Snow” if his father was a Stark was cool to see because they don’t have marriage where she’s from, thus negating the concept of a bastard. Missandei goes on a passionate rant about how Khaleesi is Queen not by birthright, but because her ppl believe in her. Ya know, like Jon.
  • Khaleesi says she will fight for the north…if Jon bends the knee but he’s torn because his people will not want a southern ruler after all the shit thats gone down in GoT. After all the simmering sexual tension between the two though, what if he marries Khaleesi? Maybe thats how they ultimately unite the 7 kingdoms. The north won’t bend the knee but if the King in the North marries the Queen to become King of the Realm? Maybe that brings the north back into the fold.
  • Cersei refers to Qyburn as her Hand in this episode and unless I’m mistaken its the first time she’s ever mentioned this. So the guy is no longer just a maester operating and experimenting for Cersei, he’s her No. 2, which is even scarier considering all the wild shit he’s done over the years.

Millennials Are Apparently Moving Out of the City for “Surban” Lifestyle. I Doubt It.

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Yahoo – While millennials might have once shuddered at the thought of trekking out to the ‘burbs, millennials (who make up 42% of all homebuyers — more than any other generation), are trading in the hustle and bustle of cities for less chaotic communities. And many of these “surban” environments provide millennials with the kinds of amenities they got in the city, including boutique fitness options, high-quality grocery stores and popular restaurants.

In comes the so called “surban” lifestyle as millennials are looking for the amenities of the city living with more space coupled with the suburban location.

Listen putting a Starbucks in my development is not gonna make me move out to the burbs. Do you think I live in the city because I enjoy paying through the teeth for my apartment?

No, its convenience. Always has been always will be. I used to live on the South Shore and the commute from there to downtown Boston might as well be the Trail of Tears.

Drive to the T, pay to park, get on the overcrowded train, ride that for an hour, walk to your office then do it all again the other way at 5 pm. So I said fuck that noise and moved to the city to be closer to work, the bars, the food etc. Uber legit just became allowed in my suburban hometown so I’m not exactly itching to go back to that way of life.

“Almost half of millennial homeowners live in the suburbs, and the majority stay in the same metropolitan area when they buy a home, according to research from Zillow.”

Do the people who write these articles even take a glance at home prices before hitting send? The reason most millennial homeowners (which I still believe is an urban legend) buy homes outside of the city is because the cheapest house in Boston goes for like $800k. Suburbs it is!

“While there has been a long-perpetuated myth that millennials don’t want to buy homes, the reality is that the desire to become a homebuyer still exists — the timing has just been delayed.”

It’s not a myth that we don’t want to buy homes, we just straight up can’t afford to do so. Semantics though. Ask any millennial why they might not want to buy a  house though? Well whats the No. 1 thing thats set back an entire generation? Huge, crippling student loans debt.

So even if I could afford to buy a house why would I jump right back into another 30 year repayment plan? We’re all a little skeptical of getting on the books for another pipe dream. I can live the American dream just fine from my 2-bedroom apartment plus I can leave that place in 12 months or less at the drop of a hat.

 

Miami Dolphins Considered Tim Tebow Before Signing Jay Cutler

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CBS Sports – Cutler wasn’t the only candidate for the gig, according to a report from Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald. Salguero reported on Sunday afternoon that Colin Kaepernick was also one of the quarterbacks the Dolphins considered…A name that will come as a surprise however: TIMOTHY RICHARD TEBOW..Tebow has worked with Gase before as well, however. Gase was Tebow’s quarterbacks coach in Denver back when Tebow and the Broncos miraculously stormed their way to a postseason win over the Steelers.

Guys we were THIS close to Tebowmania coming back to the NFL. If Tebow has proved one thing, okay maybe two, its 1.) he’s actually way better at baseball than people thought he would be and 2.) you keep you name in the spotlight long enough then teams will come calling.

I think thats the playbook of every reality TV celebrity ever. Basically just keep going on other reality TV shows until you either get called up to the big times and become a real, functioning actor like Jamie Chung or just cash in on your pseudo-fame by banking checks on shows like The Challenge. Thats what Tim Tebow has done here, except instead of collecting checks from MTV, he’s collecting checks from Minor League Baseball.

But seriously how great would it have been to have Tebow back on the field? Would have completely torpedoed his whole “I just really want to play baseball” argument, but we’d get the football jesus back. Tebow kneeled on the field before it was cool and caused a national hysteria.

The guy puts asses in the seats and Tebow will forever have a place in my heart because he helped me win my fantasy football league back in 2011.