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Amazon is Now Taking On the Bane of My Existence: Grocery Stores

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Forbes – On Monday, in the midst of what will likely be its largest holiday season in history, Amazon.com AMZN +2.43% unveiled a video for Amazon Go, a supposedly new store that will allow customers to walk in, pick up items and leave without having to pay in a traditional check-out line.

Amazon, did we just become best friends? Yup. With apps for ordering food from my couch, calling a taxi from the barstool and streaming full on movies from my phone, Amazon was falling behind a bit. That is until they decided to take on the goddamn bane of my existence: the grocery store. The grocery store is where men go to die.

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Sure, free 2 days shipping is cool, I guess. But uhh, thats not really gonna get the juices flowing. A grocery store free of useless employees and horrifically long lines just so I can CHECK MYSELF OUT? Sign me the fuck up.

Legit nothing worse than the Sophie’s Choice of do I A.) Wait in line for 10 minutes so the teenager can ring me up and slowly pack up half my stuff or B.) Go do the grocery store employees’ job for them in self checkout? I almost always choose option A because as Will Hunting once said, because fuck him thats why.

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I’m gonna get my money’s worth. Any discussions of the misery that is a grocery store has to include the Bill Burr bit that is A+ material. “Here I was, I thought I was a comedian. Apparently I also work at a grocery store.”

Come on Amazon don’t screw this up. I need this. You need this. But more importantly the world needs this.

The NFL Promoting #CleatsForACause is the Height of Hypocrisy

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Yesterday the NFL went out of its way to promote the fact that it was allowing and encouraging all of its players to wear custom cleats, which is the absolute height of hypocrisy for a league that has spent YEARS fining players tens of thousands of dollars for doing just that.

How does the NFL figure to sidestep the ridiculousness that are these fines? Make it about charity of course. Use it as a way to raise awareness for the various charities that NFL players work with. Which is of course a great cause, that I totally support, but once again the NFL could do so much more.

You really want to make an impact on these charities rather than just grab some good PR? Take all that money you’ve stuffed into your coffers over the years fining guys like Odell Beckham for wearing fire custom cleats. All the money collected for guys wearing different color socks. What about the money that Dangelo Williams was getting fined for having pink in his hair to raise awareness for breast cancer?

The NFL always has been and always will be a PR machine, nothing more, nothing less. Stay woke my friends.

Now without further ado, the best of the best from #CleatsForACause

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With New MLB CBA All-Star Game Will No Longer Decide Home Field for the World Series

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ESPN – The league that wins Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game no longer will get home-field advantage in the World Series, which instead will go to the pennant winner with the better regular-season record.

Lot of big changes to the Major League Baseball Collective Bargaining Agreement that the players and owners essentially agreed to at the 11th hour. Which is a shame because I was full on rooting for a Winter Meetings that was exclusively focused on Minor League Baseball because those guys were going regardless. Would have loved to see GMs wheeling and dealing players that make 28K a year over cocktails in the hotel bar. Catch the fever.

But anyways, of all the changes to the CBA the biggest has to be the ALl-Star game will no longer decide which league gets home field advantage in the World Series. And thats good because it never made any sense other than it was just a way for the league to drum up interest in a boring exhibition game. But to penalize a team and take away home field advantage in the World Series because fucking Dan Uggla let a ball go through his legs in July is asinine.

All the owners can cut the shit though about how this is a great change like its some great burden lifted off their shoulders. These assholes voted 30-0 on this when it was introduced in 2003. THIRTY TO ZERO! So they all thought it was a good idea, every single one of them. Ironically enough, the Cubs may not have even won the World Series if not for this bullshit parlor trick of a rule. If the Cubs have home field advantage its one less game without the DH spot, so one less game they can play Kyle Schwarber, who only had ya know massively clutch hits in Game 7 in Cleveland. Yet, NL baseball fans still will never admit the DH is necessary and awesome. We do not need to see pitchers take 3 strikes and walk back to the bench. Get out of my face with that nonsense. Cubs fans know it now, but maybe next year its different?

Careful what you wish for guys!

Gronkowski Out 8 Weeks Due to Back Surgery

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Well thats a pretty shitty way to kick off Thirsty Thursday. Seriously, what a goddamn disaster. All the reports coming out now are saying Gronk will be out for 8 weeks due to a herniated disc in his back that he needs to get surgery on. That puts us right through to the Super Bowl. So in theory, Gronk could be back for the Super Bowl if the Patriots get a top 2 seed, earn a first round bye and win the AFC, all without their best weapon.

All of this if Gronk’s recovery goes as scheduled. Which it never fucking does. Name one Gronk injury that wasn’t filled with drama and setbacks. The torn up knee, the broken arm, doesn’t matter. We’ll get some joint press release from the Patriots and Gronk in like 7 weeks saying how he’s actually out another 6 months. Jesus Christ, it’s like they have the old Red Sox team doctors on staff that completely sandbagged Jacoby Ellsbury with horribly inaccurate target dates to get back on the field. No one ever knows with Gronk and thats what worries me the most.

Oh that and of course he’s getting ANOTHER back surgery, after he already had one in college, which is why he missed his last season at Arizone and which is why he dropped into the second round for the Pats to snatch up. Two back surgeries, a knee surgery, arm surgeries and countless other injuries before you even hit 30? I don’t want to be all doom and gloom, but that is a recipe for disaster and its a goddamn shame because if healthy Gronk has the potential to be the greatest Tight End of *all-time*

Hopefully some additional reports come out in the coming weeks with better news, but right now it looks like we’re back to the days of trying to win Super Bowls without your best player not named Tom Brady. Hey, at least Belichick was smart enough this year to have a mythical creature on the roster as a contingency plan in Martellus Bennett AKA “The Black Unicorn.”

Breaking: Los Angeles Doesn’t Care About Football or the Rams

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St. Louis Post Dispatch – For the season, Rams games have been seen in an average of 9.4 percent of homes in the LA market…In contrast, the worst rating the Rams ever drew during their St. Louis days was 10.9, and that came in 2013 when the Cardinals were playing a World Series game at the same time. The Rams, who have lost six of their last seven games, haven’t drawn a rating above 10.6 in LA this year since Week 2.

People in LA aren’t interested in the terrible Rams team that just moved to town? Color me shocked. The fans lack empathy and don’t tune in to the games? No shit. You don’t say. Let me spend 4 hours every Sunday watching the Rams get their doors blown off. Or because its, ya know, Los Angels and 80 degrees outside, maybe I’ll go to the beach or play volleyball in overly short shorts. I also *love* how the source of the story pointing out the terrible ratings is of all places, the St. Louis Dispatch. Yo, throw that shade. If you’ve got hate in your heart St. Louis, let it out.

It’s like that tourism for California commercial where all the celebrities are downplaying all the stereotypes of LA, while doing those exact things. Yea thats exactly how I picture LA Rams fans. “People think we’re just a bunch of dreamers, with our heads in the clouds,” says the asshole riding the 15 foot tall bicycle. So yea, thats LA for you.

Or how about this one? “People think we’re all celebrities, or surfers. That we’re all into yoga. Or that everyone owns a winery.” Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All assholes. Godspeed Rams, its gonna be a bumpy one.

Betty White does save that commercial from being totally insufferable so.

Los Angeles doesn’t put up with 7-9 bullshit, as Jeff Fisher would say. The only way to get attention in that town is to basically be the Showtime Lakers or the 2003-2005 USC Trojans. Some glitz, some glamour and of course MASSIVE amounts of winning. When you’re a boring team that is also terrible, not a great combo. Todd Gurley’s entertaining commercials aside, him slamming into the back of his O Linemen 30 times a game for no gain does not put asses in the seats.

You know who does put up with terrible football year after year and embraces the 7-9 bullshit?

St. Louis.

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Patriots Rumored to Be Playing Mexico City Game in 2017

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ESPN -“Just one week after the NFL returned to Mexico City for the first time in over a decade, there are already reports suggesting a new contest for the 2017 season. The New England Patriots would face the Oakland Raiders at the Estadio Azteca at some point during the next year, according to ESPN’s John Sutcliffe…Pats owner Robert Kraft is very interested in the possibility of playing in Mexico City.”

So now the hot rumor in the streets is that the NFL is thinking of having the Raiders play the Patriots in Mexico City next year. And as much as I love forfeiting home games, as Robert Kraft is rumored to have pitched, I can’t say I’m too excited for this. Traveling across the country, playing in a stadium with BARBED WIRE FENCES IN THE STANDS all while being 5,000 miles HIGHER than Mile High Field. Mexico City does not seem like a great place. I fully expect and fear a Man on Fire situation where Giselle gets kidnapped by the banditos and Kraft has to hire Denzel Washington or some shit.

Either way, I don’t care if its Mexico, London, Russia or the Moon. Do. Your. Job. And the Patriots will do just that and win….Unless its a late season game in Miami. That I fear.

A Phenomenon was Born Last Night: #AscotWatch

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So in watching Monday Night Football this season something keeps jumping out at me every single week and that is Charles Woodson and his consistently glorious ascot. The man does not rest. New week? New ascot. Last night a golden yellow, or as all the Packers (Michigan?) fans on Twitter chirped at me last night; “Maize.” The man does not disappoint and even he himself got on board with #AscotWatch last night as a phenomenon was born. I already can’t wait for next Monday night. Some of the best responses below.

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I Know It’s Not a Popular Opinion Right Now But I Still Love Kevin James

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I know its not a popular opinion these days with his new garbage Netflix assassin spoof movie and shows like Toucher and Rich skewering his predictably terrible new sitcom Kevin Can Wait…but I still love Kevin James.

It’s just too bad he went to the Adam Sandler School of Mailing It In. Just like Sandler, not to the same extent obviously, James was a funny ass guy with a stand up special that you can still quote in “Sweat the Small Stuff.” Add a hit sitcom that killed for years and is still highly watchable to this day in King of Queens. That show was hilarious with solid writing, George Costanza’s dad and of course the sneaky foxy Leah Remini. That my friends are the ingredients for an enjoyable 22 minutes.

Chuck and Larry – pretty solid. Hitch? Classic. Unfortunately, the money is always too good to turn down and these famous comics, particularly guys who rely on physical comedy, fall back on their shtick (for James it’s the shlubby suburban guy) and collect paychecks for making stuff they 100% know is garbage. I actually watched the new Netflix movie he put out, True Memoirs of an International Assassin, over Thanksgiving, and while it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, I did not laugh.

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Paul Blart? Pretty bad. Paul Blart TWO? Slap in the face. Pixels? Woof. And now the new sitcom is the definition of mailing it in.

But don’t forget the good times people. Some of the top Kevin James moment below that I still quote to this day.

Alarm Clock “Can you wake me up in 7 minutes?”

Water Skiing “He’s down again”

“You got a Butterfinger first you fat ass?”

The Hitch Dance Scene

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Grit and Balls Win from the Patriots

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To quote my man Kevin Garnett, that was a pure Grit and Balls win from the Patriots tonight.

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It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t pretty. But it got the job done. Sure did the defense look like dog shit? Did Tom Brady look a little gimpy? Did the Pats struggle to really get anything going until the second half yet again? Sure. But a win is a win and that last minute strip sack from Chris Long got the juices going. Good night Jets.

 

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Now its time to prep for the Rams and the somehow still has a head coaching job in the NFL; backwards hat Jeff Fisher. ON TO LOS ANGELES!

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Red Sox Brass Must Enjoy Watching All the Former Red Sox Dominate MLB Awards

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With Terry Francona wining AL Manager of the Year yesterday it got me thinking. Francona was manager of the year and was in the World Series, now Jon Lester could very easily win the NL Cy Young tonight to go along with his World Series title, not to mention Theo Epstein potentially winning MLB Executive of the Year. So out of Boston’s not so long ago core of the franchise, we could see a Manager of the Year, Cy Young winner, MLB Executive of the Year and a World Series title all in the same season and the Red Sox will receive ZERO BENEFIT.

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Thats crazy. I know some of these guys have been gone for a couple of years now, but let that sink in. The one time core of the Red Sox may have a clean sweep of the biggest awards in the sport. I honestly don’t know if Larry Lucchino feels bad about ousting pretty much all of these guys or if he just laughs it off and thinks, “Fuck it, I invented Camden Yards.”

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Either way, hopefully its a wakeup call for John Henry to STOP MEDDLING IN BASEBALL AFFAIRS. You ran the best baseball executive of our generation out of town over a pissing contest just so we could hold onto the 70 year old guy who likes to monetize everything down to the goddamn bricks at Fenway. Solid management plan.

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