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The XFL is Back! Lets Start Constructing Our Dream Team

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“What would you do if you could reimagine the game of football?”

Vince McMahon always has been and always will be the ultimate showman. Oh that ill conceived football league I launched in 2001 that only lasted one season? Well guess what, we’re doubling down and bringing it back! Vince said he’s here to “give the game of football back to fans.” What does that mean? Nobody knows! But it sure as shit fuels the hype machine.

Vince made the announcement on Twitter dot com because he’s savvy like that before taking questions from reporters. Highlights from the #XFL2020 press conference below:

  • 8 teams, 40 man rosters, 10 game regular season, and a 4 team postseason with a Championship Game
  • “In the XFL the quality of the human being is going to be as important as the quality of the player.”(Soo you can sit down now, Greg Hardy.)
  • “There will be no crossover whatsoever of talent from the WWE.” (Thank god. Somebody get Gus Johnson on the line STAT.)
  • “As far as our league is concerned it will have NOTHING to do with politics and nothing to do with social issues….whatever our rules are, are what everybody will abide by….we’re here to play football.” (Sounds like Vince was not a fan of the kneeling.)
  • “It will just be a better game than what people are accustomed to.” (Sure!)
  • “There may not be a half time, sitting and watching a 3-3 1/2 hour game is laborious…we’re going to try to get to 2 hours.” (Now we’re talking.)
  • “Not sure about the individual of the He Hate Me…whether or not we do that we’re going to listen to football experts and what the fans want.” (If you don’t allow nicknames on jerseys don’t even bother, Vince.)
  • The season will begin at the end of January/early February (Fill that crippling void post-Super Bowl.)

So Vince was super dodgy about giving any actual details on the league, why he’s bringing it back, what exactly will be different etc. but it seems like he’s going to be giving himself more time to actually get something quality in place. Rather than rushing it, the XFL will begin play in 2020, so thats a 2 year window for Vince to get it together. Vince referenced the quality of play as the No. 1 thing that was lacking the first time around so we’ll see if 2 years is enough time to get some decent talent together.

I’m sure plenty of details and rumors will flood in over the coming days. But for now, lets get to whats really important. Whats my starting lineup for my first game in the XFL? This is assuming nobody is going to leave the NFL unless they hate money, so we’re going to have to dig deeper with some castoffs or guys that may be on their way out of the NFL.

  • QB1: Tim Tebow
  • QB2: Vernon Adams
  • RB1: Reggie Bush
  • RB2: Toby Gerhart
  • FB: Glenn Gronkowski
  • WR1: Terrell Owens
  • WR2: Ocho Cinco
  • WR3: Wes Welker
  • TE: Tim Wright

I had Money Manziel and Adrian Peterson penciled into my starting lineup, but then Vince dropped this line:

“You want someone who does not have any criminality whatsoever associated with them. In the XFL even if you have a DUI you will not play in the XFL so that would probably eliminate some of them…If Tim Tebow wants to play, he could very well play.”

So that probably eliminates Manziel, Peterson and basically half the available players out there. We’ll go with my guy Tim Tebow instead because they will let him do whatever the hell he wants. The first coach since Urban Meyers that will be willing to build an offense around Tebow. But in case he doesn’t want to leave his cushy job at ESPN/hitting cleanup for the Mets, then we’ll smuggle former Oregon QB Vernon Adams out of the CFL and let him do his damn thing. I cannot imagine anyone other than a running QB will have any success in the XFL.

Running the ball we’ve got old school thunder and lighting with my man Reggie Bush, who should have no problem carving up the scrub DII linebackers he’ll be playing against, and Toby Gerhart backing him up because…well…hey man slim pickings for running backs not on an NFL roster these days. The Pats have 5 running backs for christ’s sake.

We got Baby Gronk at fullback because how are you going to have the XFL without a Gronkowski in it?

Who are my go-to receivers? Easy. The first two guys I’m calling are T.O. and Ocho Cinco because ya just know those guys are rearing to go and would probably play for minimum wage at this point. T.O can still play, he’s just insufferable so nobody wanted him on their team….in the NFL. Then we got old reliable Wes Welker working the slot. Unless Vince is afraid of someone getting diagnosed with CTE in the first week of the season then he might not get cleared to play.

Then we got that bum Tim Wright playing TE because he’s another athletic freak that just has not been able to make it work in the NFL so to the XFL for you, Tim.

I’m sure theres plenty of names that will become available, but with Vince throwing a wrench into everything with his morality clause we could be seeing a lot of CFL or college players roaming the field.

2020 is so close, yet so far away. The XFL is back baby!

Dan Le Batard Takes a Shot at the Crown, Implies Tom Brady is On Steroids

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NESN – What Tom Brady is doing at age 40 defies all logic. The New England Patriots quarterback has a very real chance of finishing his age-40 season with an NFL MVP award, a Super Bowl MVP award and yet another Super Bowl championship. Most people attribute Brady’s incredible longevity to a combination of alternative wellness, all-time great coaching and, of course, skill. Some, like ESPN’s Dan Le Batard, wonder if there’s a more cynical theory, however. During Monday’s episode of “The Dan Le Batard Show,” the popular radio host essentially asked whether Brady is using performance-enhancing drugs. Le Batard tip-toed around the topic, and never specifically said “steroids” or PEDs,” but it was abundantly clear what he was talking about.

So Dan Le Batard took some time off from ugly crying on his own show to take a shot at the crown and insinuate Tom Brady is popping PEDs.

“And this is what I want to ask you: … When faced with a quarterback who is aging in a way that has no precedent in the history of aging, is there any particular reason that people aren’t questioning that?” Le Batard asked co-host Stugotz. “Man, we climbed into Peyton Manning … Peyton Manning doesn’t look the part on pharmaceuticals, and Al Jazeera was climbing around in his wife’s stuff, trying to get at the hormones. “And so what I’m asking you is, is it an unfair question to wonder whether, when facing something that has literally no precedent in the history of football or aging, to be like, ‘how?’“

What is Dan Le Batard even talking about here? We climbed into Peyton Manning? NO YOU DID NOT. This is exactly why people around here hate Peyton Manning. Guy got a total free pass from the media. The Peyton Manning comparison makes absolutely no sense. It was an absolute NON-STORY on ESPN, ya know Le Batard’s network, because the Manning Mafia hit the wrap it up box on that whole story real quick.

ESPN barely mentioned it and when they did they basically said, no you see Peyton wasn’t taking anything, his wife was just getting HGH shipments to a since-closed facility in a fucking strip mall in Indianapolis, even though they live in Denver.

And for the record, I don’t care if Peyton was taking horse tranquilizers from the Eastern Bloc. Do what you gotta do, especially if said remedies have you tossing 50+ TDs a year after a debilitating neck surgery.

I just know Brady would be on the cover of the New York Times and every other media outlet in the world would be screaming some nonsense about cheating if it came out he was having boxes of HGH shipped to Giselle.

Its times like these I need to remind myself and everyone around me to not do exactly what I’m doing right now and get all riled up. Tom Brady has 5 Super Bowl rings and people want to poke holes anywhere and everywhere they can. So Dan Le Batard, Rob Parker, and Max Kellerman can all go take a fat hike.

 

Tom Brady’s Hands Will Be Fine

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Tom Brady will be fine. Did you see his hands? They’re beautiful.  

Although I gotta say that press conference today made me a little nervous. TB12 shows up rocking gloves again and then dodges any questions about not only the injury, but he was noncommittal on even playing Sunday.

Deuce Gruden Joining His Dad, Jon Gruden, on the Raiders Coaching Staff

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Yahoo -Deuce Gruden is the son of Jon and the nephew of Jay, the coaches of the Oakland Raiders and Washington Redskins. He was part of the Redskins’ strength and conditioning staff. And even on an NFL sideline, Deuce Gruden stands out. He’s a powerlifting champion, and looks capable of bench pressing any player on his team. Even the linemen. Gruden was on the Redskins’ strength staff and it’s no surprise that he left Uncle Jay to go be on his dad’s new staff with the Raiders. Matt Schneidman of the Mercury News had the story.

Somebody get Ryan Seacrest on the line and get these two a reality show IMMEDIATELY. Can you imagine that? It would be A+, must see television. The only reason I think they don’t do it is because it would put the Kardashians ratings in the toilet. Hey, as Gary Vaynerchuk always says, you need to always be thinking of ways to put yourself out of business so somebody else doesn’t do it for you. Pull the trigger.

I’m just picturing the 5’5″ 300 pound Deuce hulking out on the sideline when some panzy can’t finish a tackle because he’s been slacking on his squats. Throw in Chucky and Mark Davis?

Holy hell, I’m getting excited now. What would you even call it?

Chucky and the Deuce: Road to Las Vegas.

Seacrest out.

So Aaron Hernandez Was a Combination of Horrifying and Hilarious During His Time in Jail

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So this article describes Aaron Hernandez, unsurprisingly, as a terrifying combination of a 6’1″ 245 lbs gang member with a penchant for hilarity. Ya know, like an actual sociopath. It basically sums up his time in prison as Rorschach from Watchmen:

Horrifying.

“Hernandez was sent a care package of two dozen honey buns in violation of prison policy; before officers could confiscate the buns, he ate 20 of them, saving the wrappers so he couldn’t be accused of passing them to other inmates. Guards denied his request to eat the last four.”

Hilarious.

“He called one officer a “scared bitch” after the officer denied him an extra meal, and threatened to kill the officer and his family after he got out of prison. (“I did not say I was going to kill him or his family,” Hernandez later said. “I said if I see COs that act tough in jail, out of jail, I’m going to slap the [expletive] out of them.”)

Horrifying.

“Corrections Officer Joshua Pacheco noted the ways in which Hernandez would consistently seek to get under the officers’ skin: “He is constantly kicking his cell door and screaming at the top of his lungs, utilizing profanity at times when he wants something, regardless of how minuscule it is. It is not uncommon for Hernandez to kick his cell door constantly until an officer approaches his cell merely to ask the officer for the current time. This to him is comical, causing a disruption in normal operation within the unit.”

Hilarious.

“Hernandez had a variety of encounters with guards that tiptoed right up to the edge of threats: challenging guards’ manhood, hinting at dreams in which Hernandez had hunted the guards, and so forth. All in all, of the 10 months he was in the prison, Hernandez spent 120 days in solitary confinement. (According to a Yahoo Sports review of prison documents, Hernandez was charged with 99 disciplinary offenses and 24 major incidents during his nearly four years of prison time at two facilities.) Once, while guards were securing him in his cell, Hernandez beat his chest and defiantly proclaimed himself to be “tough. I’m built for this [expletive].”

Horrifying.

What an enigma Aaron Hernandez was.

LeBron James is Maximizing His Platform to Speak Out on Racial and Political Issues

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Yahoo – LeBron James took the opportunity to reflect on what [Martin Luther] King’s legacy means to him, and the importance of continuing to advocate for social justice a half-century after King’s death. He also discussed the challenge of doing so at a time in which President Donald Trump — whom the four-time NBA Most Valuable Player reportedly never mentioned by name — and other forces seek “to divide us.” From Scott Sargent of Waiting for Next Year:

“You always hear about people risking their life — [King] actually gave up his life for the betterment of all of us. To be able to live in a free world, and for us to be able to have a voice, to go out and be free no matter your skin color, no matter who you are — height, size, or weight, whatever the case may be. He had a vision and took a bullet for all of us. Literally — the rawest form you can say that. He took a bullet for all of us.
“For us to stand here right now, even though we’re trying to be divided by somebody, it’s a great day for people to realize how we all have to stand united as one. As Americans, we all know and believe this is the greatest country.”

As much as I like to give LeBron shit for all the diva antics he pulls, its generally just busting the chops of one of the greatest players of all-time. He seems like a genuinely good dude off the court. So when an athlete as prominent as LeBron James comes out more and more frequently to offer his thoughts and opinions on hot button racial and political issues its refreshing.

“Without specifically naming the president, James on Monday spoke about the need to stand firm in the face of racism no matter its virulence or the height from which it’s spoken. From Tom Withers of The Associated Press:

“The state of racism will never die, but what we cannot do is allow it to conquer us as people. We can’t allow it to divide us,” said James, the four-time league MVP. “The guy in control has given people and racism, and negative racism, an opportunity to be out and outspoken without fear. And that’s the fearful thing for us because it’s with you, and it’s around every day. But he’s allowed people to come out and just feel confident about doing negative things. “We can’t allow that to stop us from continuing to be together and preach the right word of living and loving and laughing and things of that nature. Because would we want to live anywhere else? I don’t think so. We love this place.”

Good for him for using the platform he has to speak his mind on various issues in this country. That was one of the biggest gripes about the greatest basketball player of all time, Michael Jordan. As amazing as he was on the court, the guy just wanted to ball out and sell sneakers.

And to all the people saying LeBron should “stick to sports” — pipe down. Those are the same people complaining that athletes give canned responses and don’t actually say anything of note in interviews. Can’t have it both ways. So its good to see athletes becoming increasingly vocal when they have more influence on culture than ever before.

The Ball Brothers Put Up BUCKETS in Lithuania, Score 60 Combined Points

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Yahoo – Two days after being held scoreless in their Lithuanian League play debut, the adventures of LaMelo and LiAngelo Ball continued on Monday as the pair got back into a groove and delivered the best performances of their brief professional careers. In Vytautus’ 130-93 win over BC Lietuvos, the Ball brothers delivered an offensive tour de force right out of their Chino Hills days by producing nearly half of Vytautus’ scoring total. LaMelo scored a game-high 31 points, dished 11 assists and recorded five steals. LiAngelo did most of his damage in the low post and at the rim, but wasn’t far behind LaMelo’s team-high, chipping in 29 points of his own.

At first glance this looks like a great sports story; the Ball brothers scored a combined 60 points and seem like they’re growing into bonafide Big Ballers. Until you see this:

“The Big Baller Brand Challenge Games have been good to the Ball brothers. The Big Baller Brand Challenge Games is a five-game exhibition that was created by the Ball family patriarch in order to get his two sons more playing time on their Lithuanian club and to build their confidence.”

Get the fuck out of here. LaVar is now setting up Lithuanian tournaments to get his sons more PT? Even the refs are wearing BBB branded jerseys. I’m legitimately not kidding, look:

Apparently this game was against a “second-division team” though. So as the infamous Winston Wolf would say:

It is cool seeing two brothers throwing each other alley oops like this though. Who knows where and when you want the ball better than your own brosef?

But then, again, you see shit like this. Up 40+ points LaMelo tries to throw an alley oop to himself off the glass (and fails miserably).

This is the AAU/Lavar Ball-ification of sports. If some kid tried that on me in a blowout I would absolutely sweep the leg. Some 35 year old pissed off player that never made it in the NBA is going to snuff one of these kids for antics like this.

All in all, 60 points is 60 points so its fun to actually see these guys put up some buckets after what seems like 2 years of shit talking from the dad. Do it against an actual team in an actual game not sponsored by your father though and I’ll consider myself impressed. Until then?

After the Recent Hit Piece on the Patriots I Have Never Been More Confident Than I am in Them This Weekend

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ESPN – The Patriots are in uncharted territory. They haven’t just won games and titles. They’ve won at an unprecedented rate and over an unprecedented span, which makes the feelings of entitlement creeping inside Gillette Stadium unprecedented as well. The Patriots, in the only statement anyone associated with the team would make on the record for this story, responded to specific questions by saying that there are “several inaccuracies and multiple examples given that absolutely did not occur,” though they declined to go into detail. But according to interviews with more than a dozen New England staffers, executives, players and league sources with knowledge of the team’s inner workings, the three most powerful people in the franchise — Belichick, Brady and owner Robert Kraft — have had serious disagreements. They differ on Brady’s trainer, body coach and business partner Alex Guerrero; over the team’s long-term plans at quarterback; over Belichick’s bracing coaching style; and most of all, over who will be the last man standing. Those interviewed describe a palpable sense in the building that this might be the last year together for this group.

They Hate Us Cuz They Ain’t Us, indeed. I know we as Patriots fans say this a lot, but the media is routinely trying to drive a wedge where it doesn’t exist. Lets just state the facts. The Patriots won their division yet again, finished the year 13-3 with the No. 1 seed in the AFC, and are the favorites to win the Super Bowl with a 40 year old QB who will likely win the MVP. All after losing their top receiver in Julian Edelman and their best defensive player in Dont’a Hightower. Yet the entire organization is crumbling from within? All because Belichick had to trade a backup QB playing behind the goddamn MVP and Brady said some mean words to McDaniels on the sidelines? Fuck outta here. Its not paranoia if its true right?

So now the entire world is claiming the Patriots are imploding and that hack Seth Wickersham (author of the infamous hit piece on Tom Brady and TB12, which we addressed here) is reporting the holy trinity of Brady, Belichick, and Kraft will break up after this year. All because of some tension and some arguments? You know who has no tension, no arguments, and an easy job? Losers.

To top it all off, the New York Daily News recently reported that Belichick “wants to be the Giants coach.” So Belichick is going to jump ship and leave the organization where he became the Greatest Coach of All Time to go coach the 3-13 NY Giants? Who also have an ancient QB? He’s already the highest paid coach in the NFL with all the power in the world and the longest leash imaginable. The guy survived two alleged cheating scandals amidst 5 Super Bowl titles and 7 SB appearances, not to mention 6 (soon to be 7) consecutive appearances in the AFC Championship game to go along with 14 out of the last 15 AFC East titles. He’s gonna leave that just because he got into an argument with his boss?

With all that being said we still have a playoff game to handle this Saturday night as the Titans come to town and I could not be more confident that the Pats will blow doors. The Titans had an awesome comeback against the Chiefs, who blew yet another playoff game:

But in doing so have locked themselves into a matchup with the Patriots. Marcus Mariota looked like the guy who the Titans originally drafted out of Oregon before a broken leg late last year. The guy was laying game clinching blocks on defensive lineman, scrambling making plays with his feet and he was even throwing Touchdown passes to HIMSELF.

But if you think a second year QB who leads a self described “exotic, smashmouth offense” that relies on the running game is going to come into Gillette Stadium and beat Tom Brady and Bill Belichick then you are outside of your mind.

And Las Vegas seems to agree as the spread is set at -13.5. Two touchdowns is a HUGE spread, especially in a playoff game. The only other game this weekend with a spread larger than -4 is Jacksonville at (-7.5) Steelers, even though the Jags beat Pittsburgh earlier this year.

This game reminds me of the 45-10 dismantling of the Broncos and Tim Tebow in the 2011 playoffs where Brady threw 6 touchdown passes. Any other team that was surrounded by controversy in a bye week would have you worried, but with the Patriots its just fuel for the fire. Plus after this whole shit storm, Tom Brady Instagrammed this:

Pats by 17. Lock. It. In.

 

LiAngelo Ball is Already Fighting Off Female Fans in Lithuania

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USA Today – LiAngelo Ball didn’t say much during his introductory press conference with Prienu Vytautas on Friday. He did, however, manage to make news while sandwiched between LaMelo and LaVar Ball. At the end of the presser, a Lithuanian reporter asked Gelo if he had a girlfriend and if he’d like to go out with her. “I just came here to play,” LiAngelo said sheepishly. When pressed for a “yes” or “no” answer on her offer, Gelo replied simply, “No comment.”

GET IT, Gelo! Barely in Lithuania a week and you already got local female reporters risking it all to take a shot. I suppose being a public access sports reporter in Lithuania probably ain’t paying Katie Nolan money, but still impressive nonetheless.

LiAngelo may end up meeting a nice Lithuanian girl and settling down in Kiev to start a family. Just can that whole NBA dream after he averages 4 points a game for Prienu Vytautas. Who knows?

PS – I know a hot topic recently has been NBA coaches saying how “disgusted” they are with ESPN reporting everything LaVar Ball says, but the guy is popular and gets clicks. Thems the rules. How about USA Today though? They created a goddamnit subdomain called “Lonzo Wire.”

Rick Carlisle literally just puked seeing that. Get them clicks, USA Today. As the wise Missy Elliott once said:

The Raiders Just Gave Jon Gruden a 10 Year $100 Million Contract to Become Their New Head Coach

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ESPN.com – The Oakland Raiders will sign Jon Gruden to the longest coaching deal in NFL history — a 10-year contract likely approaching $100 million — when it is made official Tuesday, sources told ESPN’s Adam Schefter on Friday.

10 years and $100 MILLION DOLLARS for Jon Gruden to become the new coach of the Oakland Raiders!

I love Gruden, he is awesome in the booth and I look forward to seeing him back on the sidelines, but $100 Million for a guy that hasn’t coached since 2008? That is insane. I forget who tweeted it so I can’t give the proper credit, but I saw someone on Twitter mention that by the end of this deal Raiders team owner Mark Davis will have paid Gruden 1/5th of Mark Davis’ net worth. Because as far as NFL team owners go, Mark Davis is a broke bitch. He’s worth only $500 Million.

So unless there is some sneaky ownership stake in the team included (which Gruden has denied), then Davis is betting BIG on the move to Las Vegas being a rousing success. He has every reason to believe it will be too, especially since he snaked a deal that had him put up almost none of his own money.

Is anyone better suited to bring this team to Las Vegas than Jon Gruden? Well, maybe The Rock.

But this guy is going to be electric as the Raiders move to Sin City, both on the sidelines and in his press conferences. Now is being out of coaching for 10 years going to hurt? I would say probably, but all the ESPN (lackeys) are saying its actually good for him as he’s had a chance to study the evolution of offense in the NFL. Not to mention he’s been in practices and production meetings with just about every other team in the league over the past few years so that can’t hurt.

But it is always surprising to see a guy come back after being away from the game for so long. Just look at Bill Cowher.

He was another guy everyone thought would take a couple of years off and return to coaching, but after a few years of making beaucoup bucks to work 1/100th of the hours in a cushy TV job, its easy to understand why so many don’t go back to the grind of being an NFL head coach.

Good for Gruden, but goddamnit am I gonna miss his crazy ass in the booth. The guy was legit must watch TV in a spot where the league and the networks typically lean towards the mundane. Remember Jaws and Tony Kornheiser? Woof. For a guy that made football jargon like Spider 2 Y Banana a national catchphrase and starred in Hooters and Corona commercials in his off time, it will be hard to replace him.

No matter how much fame or money a person acquires though, we’re all the same at the end of the day and Jon Gruden reminded me of that on Saturday’s playoff broadcast. The guy has absolutely. checked. out.

You earned it my man.