Ezekiel Elliott is Doing His Best to Destroy My Fantasy Football Season and its Not Even August

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ESPN – Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott was involved in a late-night incident at a Dallas bar Sunday, a source confirmed to ESPN’s Adam Schefter. According to the Dallas Police Department, officers were dispatched to the bar around 9:40 p.m. A 30-year-old man said he was physically assaulted but could not identify who assaulted him. The man was taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. A Dallas Police spokesperson said no arrests or suspects have been reported in connection with the incident, which was first reported by 105.3 FM The Fan in Dallas. The investigation is ongoing, according to police.

Before I get into this blog about Ezekiel Elliott yet again getting into trouble off the field, I have to get something off my chest.

Ok, I feel a little better. Part of me wants to write this latest incident off as a young guy getting into a scuffle at a bar like we’ve all done, but then I read this.

“According to the Dallas Police Department, officers were dispatched to the bar around 9:40 p.m.”

If you’re getting into brawls before its even fucking 10 pm, then you are the problem. It means you’ve either been boozing all day long and are legless by sundown or you’re just looking to pick fights like an asshole.

This concerns me not as a citizen of the world, but as a fantasy football owner that needs to have a bounce back season. After getting stuck in the mud with bad keepers the past few years; Marshawn Lynch in his final year before his *first* retirement and then his replacement Thomas Rawls who, despite every report otherwise, missed the first half of the season coming back from an injury. So Elliott’s my first great Keeper option in years.

As for his recent legal problems though. He’s already had a potential suspension hanging over his head for a 2016 domestic abuse allegation that the NFL still has yet to finish its investigation on. Not good. Then last August before his first preseason game he was spotted walking into a marijuana dispensary in Seattle. Before his first fucking game. My man, have a little self awareness. I do not care if you wanna smoke up, just send one of your guys out to get it. Don’t walk into a place where they sell a substance that is banned by the NFL. Especially don’t do this if you were a recent Top 5 pick in the NFL Draft.

Not to mention another run-in with cops at a bar in February (no charges or accusations) and of course the infamous pulling a titty out at a St. Patricks Day parade earlier this year. For the sake of my fantasy title aspirations, get your shit together man.

This is why I hate Keeper Leagues. The rest of my team last year was garbage, so I’m basically banking on Elliott, who was lights out last year. But now I may have to burn a first round pick on a guy who could miss a handful of games. Welp, I guess I’ll be turning on my Google Alerts for every Ezekiel Elliott update as I nervously await bad news.

God damnit.

The 300s Reviews: Pepsi Fire

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I don’t do these reviews because I’m a masochist, I do it because I’m a man of the people. I do it for you. I’m a big fan of obscure drinks like Surge and Crystal Pepsi. Gotta pick out the diamonds in the rough. The best pumpkin spice latte you’ll ever have will be from 7-11. But for every success theres 10 disasters. I’m here to steer the ship so you know what’s garbage and what is so good that you have to at least try it, bodily harm be damned. With that, I introduce, Pepsi Fire.

Cracking the bottle open and its immediately apparent this is not some half-assed Pepsi marketing ploy; this is something different. The smell reminds me of when you run out of ginger ale and you have to mix Jameson with coke. Not a great start.

Poured it over ice and as its bubbling up I notice an unsettling reddish hue. The things I ingest for this blog.

First sip: It tastes EXACTLY like Fireball, which would have been great for Pepsi five years ago. May have even been a hit for Pepsi had Fireball never been invented. But now the cinnamon carbonation immediately brings back memories of ripping shots at the bar at 1 am. Not exactly what I want to pair with…anything really. Take a sip of this hungover and you might as well just call into work sick ahead of time.

Hey another fun fact, this concoction is WAY worse for you than any normal soda, let alone a diet Pepsi. After I poured it out I took a quick glimpse at the nutrition label before I threw it out and I gasped. Literally gasped. Pepsi Fire has 260 calories and 69 grams of sugar of nutrition in it. Jesus christ. Now I guess thats standard for a Pepsi 20 oz bottle, which I didn’t realize because I’m a devout supporter of asparatime in my diet sodas.

My point is, if you have more than 1 of these a month you are going to be in the dentist chair repairing some serious damage. Which I’d be fine with for a respectable drink, but I cannot knowingly destroy my teeth for Fireball soda. Final verdict: I cannot recommend trying this in good conscience. Pass.

Time to Make the Donuts

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Its Monday morning. You don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna be here. So lets all put back a couple coffees this AM to make it through the day. To get your week started though, lets take a look back at last night’s web gem by Jackie Bradley Jr. to rob Aaron Judge of a home run. It’s understandable if you missed the play since Game of Thrones was back last night.

Aaron Judge himself had no choice but to tip his cap to JBJ for that robbery.

Even the Red Sox official Twitter account was chirping the Yankees and John Sterling’s catchphrase for Judge.

The 300s UFC: Glasgow (UFC Fight Night: Nelson vs. Ponzinibbio) Preview

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The UFC descends on Glasgow this weekend for a fun (Although kind of thin) night of fights. As is tradition when hosting cards in a targeted geographic market, the deck is stacked with fighters of either Scottish or otherwise Northern European descent. Hell, even Icelandic headliner Gunnar Nelson has adopted Ireland as an at least part-time home, training with Mystic Mac and SBG-Ireland.

Although the pure stakes of these fights are low, there is a lot of intrigue to be found by the fans and even more momentum to be gained by a number of the combatants, so let’s dive in.

The Main Event

Our Main Event pits the fan favorite Icelander Nelson against the surging Argentinian Ponzinibbio and is a primarily a vintage striker vs. grappler match up, with some given caveats. The draw, from a viewership and business, as well as I’d argue fight fan, perspective is the enigmatic, top-10 Welterweight Nelson, who I mentioned above has somewhat of a home-field advantage in the UK thanks to the extensive training he does there.

Nelson finds himself perennially on the edge of contention and should get a top-5 opponent with a win here, having won his last two bouts since falling to the current #1 contender, both by submission. As a fighter, Nelson is primarily known for his grappling, having won a gold medal at the 09′ Pan American Games (no-gi) and having finished 12 of his 16 wins by getting the tap. On the mat, he has made everyone except the human backpack/swaddle/body cast known as #1 contender Demian Maia look incompetent, and if you find the stoic way Nelson approaches any interpersonal situation enamoring, then the robotic dissection he performs on his helpless grounded opponents would be a downright riveting experience. This is even more impressive when you consider Nelson is almost unanimously considered undersized for the division (and it’s worth noting the aforementioned Maia used to fight at 185). The -160 favorite is also no slouch on the feet. He won all sorts of Karate championships growing up until he shifted his focus to BJJ at 16, and his background lends itself to the unusual stances, movements, and strikes he shows. Expect some cool side body/leg kick combos. Also expect “Gunni” to get hit because his defense isn’t always excellent, although it’s entirely possible he just uses it as another way to get the fight to the ground (half kidding).

Ponzinibbio has won four straight and has looked fantastic doing it. While also a BJJ black belt, and it’s worth noting he has never been submitted, he does his best work on the feet. While there is zero doubt he has solid technique standing, Ponzinibbio has never encountered a brawl he didn’t like. Do a quick search of his highlights and you’ll see that he doesn’t mind taking a couple to get his back. He truly trusts his chin and will hang in the pocket waiting for his shot. “Gente Boa” has power in both hands – particularly if you’re a nerd like me look for a sneakily vicious lead left hook – and has knocked out 13 of his opponents over 24 wins. With a victory over a name like Gunnar Nelson, Ponzinibbio will also be in line for a top-5 opponent. With a big knockout, he could get a sweet bout with a Cerrone/Lawler type.

Summary: What’s really interesting/potentially volatile about this fight is that both guys have a tendency to get hit. That would seem to give Ponzinibbio the edge as he has more knockouts/power and thus is a candidate to land the deciding shot, but on the other hand he also hasn’t been staring down as heavy compeition as Nelson, save Lorenz Larkin, who KO’d the +140 underdog. Net net, I see this fight playing out a lot like Nelson’s fight against Brandon Thatch: Ponzinibbio will walk down and throw bombs at the Icelandic matman until he gets too close or too cocky at which time via take down or knockdown – it wouldn’t really matter who goes down unless Nelson is asleep – Nelson gets a hold of his horizontal opponent and grinds and slips and twists until he has a neck or a limb. Nelson by 2nd round sub.

Fan/MMA Nerd Fight of the Night

I wanted to stick with the ME, but I’m going with Calderwood Vs. Calvillo. It is always intriguing to see if Calderwood will finally live up to her promise and put on a macabre Muay Thai clinic, especially in a case like this where she is facing a much less experienced and opponent. In the other corner, you have the straweight division party crasher Calvillo, who came out of nowhere in March and has won her first two UFC bouts by submission. Already fighting for the 3rd time in 2017, Calvillo is a Team Alpha Male member which means she has the boxing/wrestling/grappling skill appropros for a pugilist from the Northern California gym. To that end, yes, those two submissions were by rear-naked choke.

In conclusion, will Calderwood’s promise finally rear it’s tattooed head or will Calvillo take the back of her first taste of top tier competition?

Intriguing Fighter to Watch

Stevie Ray – “Braveheart” has gone 5-1 in the UFC over the last 2+ years, kicking things off with back to back knockouts. He’s exciting, young, and full of potential. He also is on the last fight of his contract and is the latest of the fan favorite, high-profile fighters to be publicly going into free agency and really not committing to, or possibly knowing, what lies ahead. This is after the UFC just yesterday, 7/13, resigned fellow popular UK export Joseph Duffy to a new contract after Duffy was very outspoken about wanting to get what was coming to him, so I’m a little more optimistic for Ray than I was after WME-IMG told Gegard Mousasi to not let the door hit him in the ass. Ray’s problem is there is probably much more of a limit to the payday he can ask for from another organization as he does not have quite the popularity level or ranking to leverage that Duffy, Mousasi, or Aljo Sterling did. He’s in an awkward middle ground, a draw but not a huge one, a major prospect but not yet a title challenger. This worries me the UFC could see him as completely replaceable, and they may not be wrong. Consider this fight Ray’s contract year, and he is going to be looking to end Paul Felder’s night violently to earn a max deal.

Another Fighter to Watch

Joanne Calderwood  – “JoJo” is a fan favorite for two reasons. One is her appearance, and I don’t mean this in a sexist way at all, although the fact that she has a cherubic look does create a fun juxtaposition to her chosen occupation. However, beyond that she has crazy hair styles, a million colorful tattoos, an all-world Scottish accent, and a cat-that-got-the-canary smile.

The other reason for her fandom, curiously as she has been around since 2015, is her background and hype coming in, which have given way to tepid results at best. Coming into TUF 20 (the 115lb divison’s intro) and the UFC, JoJo was both a revered and successful kickboxer (her specific style is Muay Thai) and then MMA fighter, compiling a 19-2 record in the former and an 8-0 record in the latter. More importantly to the UFC, half of those 8 MMA wins were by KO or TKO. Her UFC tenure has been a different story however. While she still goes to battle, the urgent violence we thought she’d bring just isn’t there. She at times seems distracted, unfocused, and maybe even sort of timid and unsure. She did go through some personal shit, worse that it involved her professional life as well. Pretty much she was dating the coach at her since-the-beginning gym for like a decade and when that fizzled the whole gym situation got stressful and she had to leave for her own sake. She’s now at Tristar Gym in Montreal, of GSP and Head Coach Firas Zahibi fame, and has looked better, although she got guillotined in her last fight by a savage Jessice Andrade. Calderwood has also spoken in the past of welcoming the seemingly imminent 125 women’s division so maybe the weight cut to 115 is now just a little much for the soon to be 31 year old. Here’s to her getting back to the win column.

Notes

-I’d be remiss not to mention this will be Neil Seery’s last fight. The Irish flyweight has compiled a 16-12 record (3-3 UFC) over an excellent 12 year career. When the 125ers arrived to the UFC, Seery was there to bring a consistent veteran presence and face to a sort of clunking along, too-top heavy division, fighting 6 times in 2 years before taking the last year off. Cheers to 2tap. Slainte.

-Middleweight prospect Jack Marshman, from Wales, is an Afghanistan combat vet and former paratrooper. Probably the overall biggest badass on the card.

-A lot of fighters who hail from smaller countries or places with not a huge fight scene support each other, Scotsmen Stevie Ray and Paul Craig do not. Because of a twitter beef or some shit.

-Justin Willis was pulled from his short-notice, heavyweight debut in February due to….a bad weight cut. The thiccc AKA prospect is 5-1 and faces English debutant James Mulheron. I really hope this doesn’t go past the 1st.

-I don’t mean to keep sweating Calderwood, but given my blog earlier thisweek and what I said about Ray, it is worth mentioning that she has also been open, albeit passively, about fighter pay issues. More to the point, she has mentioned needing to go home and work a regular job to afford to go back and train at Tristar.

 

Danny C’s Binge of the Moment – Black Sails

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As someone who spends his non-“work nights” boozing and thus his non-“work days” clinging to life, I spend a good amount of weekend time on the couch recovering, eating Foodler, and watching inordinate amounts of TV and movies. These unprecedented sessions of small screen indulgence are include selections from regular old cable, On Demand, and Netflix. Therefore, for those that frequently find themselves in similar shoes, I figured I’d start at least semi-regularly throwing up a recommendation to distract you from your hangover. This week is the recently ended epic series from Starz; Black Sails.

Black Sails is a precursor to Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic novel about pirates, Treasure Island. Set in 1715 in New Providence Island, Bahamas, “Black Sails” follows the exploits of a few different groups of Pirates and the semi-crooked inhabitants of the island as they work to both co-exist and do battle with various governments. To get you to bite, I’ll dispel a couple of negative notions you may have about the series, diving a little bit deeper into what to expect along the way……

“Black Sails” is a rip off or derivative in some way of “Game of Thrones” – This false narrative follows the show around like the plague and I honestly think it might be why it wasn’t more widely watched. The shows really couldn’t be different. There is no elements of fantasy in “Black Sails” and it doesn’t take place in a fake world. (I’m not sure if New Providence was an actual island but obviously the Bahamas are real.) As a matter of fact, Sails even features characters that existed in real life such as the pirate Charles Vain. Overall, if we’re doing HBO metaphors I’d actually compare Sails to a high seas version of “The Sopranos” believe or not, given that pirates were members of criminal enterprises that sought to co-exist with or at least appease the government to some capacity.

Now I guess I can see how things got a little twisted. Like Thrones there is a good amount of sex and blood, however that can be said for most if not all premium channel shows, that’s why they’re on premium channels. O and it’s also a show about fucking pirates, not choir boys. There are also British accents. Which idk, they’re cooler? In reality the thing they have most in common is their beyond generous budgets (Michael Bay, of large budget, boom bang pow movies and doing sex with Megan Fox fame, has an EP credit on Sails). As would be expected, this allows for the show to have some awesome shots of the high seas life both in battle and at rest.

For what it’s worth the shows were also developed at just about the same time. In short, you can get your thrones fix of the deadly sins pleasure but they’re different shows.
2.)”Black Sails” was just a massive play to capitalize on the popularity of the pirate genre brought on by “Pirates of the Caribbean” and therefore a lot like those movies – Now here is where I have to concede there is probably something to an argument. I don’t doubt that the POTC series putting colonial, high seas piracy back into the public conscience didn’t allow Sails to happen or that Starz didn’t use it as a chance to cash in, but the comparisons really stop there. As a matter of fact, I’m guessing Sails is a much more accurate depiction of what pirate life was like. Either way why can’t there be another pirate-based intellectual property? I didn’t see “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” fans getting all bent out of shape when Harry Potter blew up.

Now, I GUESS you can find some Jack Sparrow among some of these gentleman in terms of the quirkiness and mannerism. But guess what folks? Watch a few more British (or in Johnny Depp’s case British accented) movies or t.v shows and you’ll find a few screwballs with similar personalities, it’s just the nature of British entertainment.

Overall “Black Sails” is a fantastically-made, visually stunning show. It follows a perfect 4 season arc that keeps it from running past it’s prime. As I said earlier it has enough pulp to retain even the most fickle of attention spans, but it is really the characters, the plot-lines, and some of the best fucking acting you’ll ever see that makes it such a gripping show. I guarantee you’ll become just as emotionally invested as you are/were with your other favorites. So pull out your Foodler/Grubhub/Seamless/Postmates app, crack open some electrolytes (after your hangover beer), and enjoy.

Kendrick Officially Has His Own Cult and I’m Officially Joining It

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So this happened last night.

Just some powerful, powerful shit from K.Dot. When you can get your large audience congregation to a cappella rap your semi-free verse song about being true to yourself and the world, you might be the greatest rapper alive.

Who Was the Worst Red Sox Contract of All Time? I’ve Made It Easy for You

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Update: It was pointed out to me the compiled Batting Averages were calculated wrong, so those numbers and the graphic have been updated in the post below.

So as everyone knows by now, the Red Sox designated Pablo Sandoval for assignment today. Look the Red Sox have given out a lot of shitty contracts over the years. Thats what big market teams do. You throw money at problems that other teams can’t afford to do. Except the problem with that is by definition free agents are most often older players who rarely live up to the pay day. You’re usually paying for past performance and almost always are eating money towards the end of the contract when the player is a shell of what he once was. Which is fine. I accept that.

BUT, when you have guys that are a disaster from Day 1 and can’t even make it through an entire 162 games then you have a huge problem.

So who was the worst Red Sox contract of all time? Well looking back over the years the two names that standout as the frontrunners are soft-ass Carl Crawford (who STILL complains about his 2 seasons in Boston) and the recently departed Sandoval. While a lot of people want to say Crawford is the worse deal because of how toxic his attitude was and how bad his play was, its got to be the Panda. Look, I made a spreadsheet to make it easy for you.

Although Sandoval was here for parts of 3 seasons and Crawford only two, due to DL stints by both, their total number of games played for the Red Sox is the EXACT SAME at 161. Which makes this the perfect sample size.

Compared to Sandoval, Crawford had more:

  • Runs Scored
  • Hits
  • Doubles
  • Triples (shocking)
  • RBIs
  • Stolen Bases (Panda with the elusive 0 in that category).

Now want to compare their slash lines as members of the Red Sox?

  • Pablo .236/.303/.360
  • Crawford .260/.296/.418

Both completely SUCKED for guys who had signed gargantuan contracts. Granted Crawford’s deal was for $142 million to Pablo’s measly $95 million, but Pablo has been so bad that they’re gonna have to eat the last 2+ years of it. At least the Red Sox were able to dump Crawford onto the Dodgers. So while Crawford signed a much larger deal, he wasn’t so far gone that another team thought “Hey Boston is a bitch to play in, we can turn this around.” Barring an even more stunning deal than the Crawford/Gonzalez/Beckett Dodgers heist, there’s no getting out of this one.

So yea, the Kung Fu fucking Panda is by far the worst contract in Red Sox history.

Sox Move On After E5

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MassLive.com – Pablo Sandoval’s day with the Red Sox are over.

The club announced on Friday morning they designated the 30-year-old for assignment.

Sandoval appeared in just 32 games this season hitting .212 with a .622 OPS. 

From a pure baseball perspective, this move comes as no surprise. When the manager is afraid to put you at third base with a lefty on the mound – and your team has four left handed starting pitchers – the situation has become untenable. There’s no such thing as an $18 million pinch-hitting specialist. Clearly the team had to move on.

From a financial standpoint, though, it does come as a mild surprise. The Red Sox still owe Pablo Sandoval roughly $50 million and I’ll bet Dave Dombrowski had to run this move by John Henry before pulling the trigger. I’ll also bet that Dombrowski frequently reminded Henry during their conversation that it was the guy here before him that signed Sandoval to that outrageous contract. Classic office move, “I’m just cleaning up the mess left by the last guy.”

[On a side note, Dombrowski also better hope that David Price’s arm holds up. If that guy breaks down, it will make the Sandoval situation look like paying a parking ticket. And there’s no way to blame that one on anyone else.]

Obviously it’s disappointing the Sox couldn’t ship Sandoval off in a salary dump trade a la the Nick Punto Trade of 2012. But it’s hard to see another team taking a flyer on Sandoval at this point. If he got back into shape and still couldn’t play, what else is there left to see?

Boston was never a great fit for Sandoval. As is so often the case, he would have been better served taking a few less bucks to stay in a better situation in San Francisco. The next time a player does that may be the first time, though. In any event, the search for a third baseman goes on for the Red Sox. I look at players like Adrian Beltre and Travis Shaw and can’t help but ask, “Why can’t we get players like that?”

Ask A New England Blogger: When Does The Weather Give Me Permission To Drive Like A Puss?

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So yesterday we had some heavy rain. I use the term “heavy rain” deliberately. It was far from the worst I’ve experienced, it certainly wasn’t light. The meteorologists had actually predicted ceaseless downpours, tornadoes, dragon triplets raining hellfire and the like, as they tend to do. All said as storms go it was sort of whatever. So you can imagine how surprised I was when I got a snap from one of my buddies showing the rain outside his office and informing me he would be WAITING TO LEAVE WORK until the rain let down. Waiting to leave work. Delaying departure from his resented place of employment and the building that houses it until the evening sun gleams low in the sky. I was flummoxed. Baffled. Incredulous. A grown ass man waiting for the rain to give.

It did get me thinking however, at what point, if any, is this kind of behavior ok? When is it ok to change the “when” or “how” of your driving patterns due to weather. There needs to be guidelines. There needs to be rules. We’ve all gotten a little ripshit at someone completely overreacting to inclement weather, crawling down the middle lane of the pike like they are headed directly over the edge of the cliff but have accepted that as their fate. So let’s put this in internet-blood.

First a quick disclosure/request for absolution: I really am not trying to sound like Tommy Tough Guy here. To those not from Northern states or those who haven’t been here long, you have to understand that when you grow up here, the very second your hand touches a wheel you’re dealing with bullshit weather. Rain, sleet, snow, a mixture of all three weather people cheerfully refer to as a “wintery mix.” Fucking wintery mixes. The first time I had a friend actually read that off a weather report was in college and I briefly blacked out only to come to to find myself holding a half a bottle of Jack by the neck about to hit him over the head with it. Anyway, the bottom-line is we’re all used to the 50% chance of crap weather. We have no excuse, everyone who lives here however, needs to get better.

To start there are two variables we need to hone in on:
1.)How good or bad of a driver you and your friend see yourself. Other’s opinion matters because your skill behind the wheel is sometimes hard to  objectively judge yourself. Needless to say, if in general you are a disaster, just please stay off the fucking road. Because I’ll tell ya, I’m kind of a misanthrope. I’m a curmudgeon. To be honest I made a New Years Resolution that I’d hate less shit than I do now. But NOTHING makes my blood more than some nimrod who has no business operating motorized transportation fucking up my morning commute pre-coffee. Nothing*.

2.)The kind of bad weather it is. Snow is worse than rain, generally. A drizzle should be ignored while light snow is still gonna fuck with visibility a bit. Different levels of drivers need to take into consideration exactly what they are getting themselves into, not just that it’s “bad out”.

Let’s start by filtering by weather, and go from “Nuclear Winter” to “Are you fucking kidding me, buy a T pass”

The Worst

-In a white-out conditions, everyone sort of does just need to be a little more patient, I’ll concede that. However, and this is a point I’ll probably reference again, our speed limits are there for a reason. Our roads were designed by civil engineers who also had an input on the speed limits based on a qualified driver and fully functioning vehicle. So as long as you are comfortable behind the wheel of a car in general and the car is in basic upkeep for bad weather (breaks and tires), there is NO NEED to go 10mph. I get 50, 40, 30 even if you keep in the right lane, put your hazards on, and put signs in your window that say “sorry”, but do not overreact. Again as I said in qualifying variable 1, if you are that shitty of a driver, just stay off the fucking road. Tell your boss you can’t do it, if he/she endangers you, or more importantly me, by making you come in, get a new job.

-I would argue the worst of the rain is more dangerous, more because of people. They get so skittish and cause single car crashes. Then other people see that and get confused and scared and all hell breaks loose. The thing is, a very rain slicked, dark road is kind of a motherfucker. Go slow (same guidelines as a whiteout, maybe a little faster) but more importantly give space. No one will be slamming on their breaks and skidding if you don’t attempt to see the backs of their heads. Spacing is the key here. In terms of driver skill, if you kind of suck stay in the right lane, or right middle lane on a 4 way. Take it easy. I don’t blame/feel homicidal about slow people in driving rain like I do in other situations. Just their way of saying “I’m a below average human and I just want to live”. That’ll do pig, that’ll do.

Be Weary, But Don’t Shit Your Pants

-In light-medium snow, put on your wipers and keep it going. If you are a bad driver you’ll know it here because you’ll be sweating thinking about it. Hitch a ride and save us all the trouble. That said if you go below 50 here you’re an asshole, not including obvious things like off-ramps. This is the kind of weather that is more visually unsettling than anything else. Sack up.

-Light-medium rain has to have the most absurd accident/fatality to rational creation of danger ratio. People see it and freak out, or cower in fear as my buddy did yesterday (again, yesterday was a tick above medium but still). As long as you, you know, don’t go 90 mph and you stay in your lane, you’re gonna be fine. Again it is rain so maybe be a little more aware of spacing, but that’s it. I’ll SORT of second my right lane comment when it comes to bad drivers, but in all honesty if this stuff makes you drive like you’re headed off the well aforementioned cliff, stay home.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding Me.

-Light rain, light snow, sunshine, clouds, I don’t care. Speed limits are meant to be slightly broken. People in the middle and left lane are supposed to be allowed to break them. Do not be that dick who clogs the flow of traffic especially during rush hour. If you are a shitty or slow driver, get a ride or use the T. Shit I’ll pick you up if it means I don’t have to tailgate you going 60 at 7am with open roads ahead.

*Except for you Justin Bieber. You’re time will come.

The Muppets Just Fired Kermit

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Yahoo – The former puppeteer behind Kermit the Frog has spoken out after being replaced earlier this week, saying in a blog post that he was fired by Disney. In a post on Muppet Pundit on Wednesday, Steve Whitmire wrote that he was told that the famous Muppet would be recast last October, assuring fans that he would never have quit the role voluntarily.

What an atrocity. Well I guess technically Kermit will live on, but the guy who voiced and muppeteered (thats a word right?) the famous green frog just got kicked to the curb by the Muppets. And you wanna know why? Because content is king.

“Whitmire took on the role in 1990 after creator Jim Henson’s death. His successor Matt Vogel — who voiced Kermit’s evil doppelganger in 2014’s “Muppets Most Wanted” — will become only the third performer to play Kermit since the character’s inception.”

The Muppets literally replaced him with the guy that voiced “Kermit’s evil doppleganger.” The Muppets ain’t stupid. Along with the rest of us they witnessed the creation of a first ballot Hall-of-Fame meme this year. Evil Kermit.

If the Muppets can bring me more Evil Kermit then I will forget about this injustice. I will not take vengeance on the Henson family for firing Kermit. As long as we can get the dark, hooded Kermit telling us all to embrace our inner Id. Those are my terms.

 

PS – Even the spinoffs of the Evil Kermit meme were great.