Tag: ESPN

The NBA Offseason is the Offseason We Deserve

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The NBA Offseason is a goddamn rollercoaster of emotions and its the only thing keeping me entertained until football starts up again. We got Chris Paul to the Rockets, Paul George and Gordon Hayward possibly to the Celtics, Carmelo Anthony trying to get a buyout from the Knicks, the Porzingis trade rumors, the Celtics trading the No. 1 overall pick, the Lavar Big Baller Brand bullshit, and not to mention Phil Jackson getting shitcanned by the Knicks.

The NBA offseason is literally overflowing with storylines and gives us the juice we need. It beats the hell out of every other sport’s offseason where big moves are few and far between.

I don’t really care to get into every team in the NBA’s salary cap situation because that is a goddamn rabbit hole. So I know half these teams either don’t have the cap space or the assets to bring in max guys, but now we got teams like the Rockets reportedly trying to bring in Paul George. Ya know, the same Paul George that the Celtics are trying to trade for and pair with Hayward, IT, and Horford.

Basically all the reports are saying that the Celtics need to wait until the start of free agency to sign Gordon Hayward before they can (or would even want to) trade for George. So I guess I’ll just sit here with my dick in my hand until July 1st.

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ESPN Asks Who Are the Best QBs in Patriots History? Hmm

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ESPN asked the question of who are the 5 greatest Patriots QBs of all time? Let me stop you right there ESPN.

Tom Brady.  Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Because I spit hot fire.

But, seriously why is this even a list? The best 5 quarterbacks in Patriots history? Tom Brady is No. 1 and then Alex Guerrero is No. 2 for providing Brady with all of his (completely legal) TB12 voodoo magic to play at an MVP level at the age of 40. Then I guess maybe Drew Bledsoe at 3. That’s it.

In case you’re curious how the world-wide leader ranked the top QB’s in Patriots history:

  1. Tom Brady
  2. Drew Bledsoe
  3. Steve Grogan
  4. Babe Parilli
  5. Jim Plunkett
  6. Tony Eason

Are the Celtics in on a Trade for Kristaps Porzingis?

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So just about an hour ago, Adrian Wojnarowski tweeted out this bombshell about the Knicks and Kristaps Porzingis.

Confirming what every Knicks fan wakes up in a cold sweat worrying about every night; Phil Jackson might actually trade Porzingis. The only bright spot for that dumpster fire of a franchise is coincidentally the only good move the Zen Master has made since taking over the Knicks. And now Woj puts it out there that the Knicks aren’t ruling out dealing him. Man, if I’m a Knicks I’m probably just putting on my Carmelo Jersey and jumping off the fucking George Washington Bridge.

But that brings me back to the Celtics, who have been stockpiling assets for years, basically just waiting for a young stud to become available.

And after Danny traded the No. 1 overall pick the other night (whether you agree with the logic or not), everyone in the media seemed to agree that this looked like the first step in a series of moves Danny would make. There’s a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Is Porzingis that other shoe? Talk about a great fit for the Celtics if its true. The C’s need size. Porzingis is 7’3″. The guy is a goddamn giraffe. They also need big men who can shoot to really thrive in Brad Steven’s system. Last year KP averaged 18.1 points per game, shot 45% from the field, and 35.7% from behind the arc. Check, check and check.

Honestly, who the fuck knows what Trader Danny is ever really thinking. Does anyone doubt Danny Ainge could pull one over on this guy though?

But, I do know one thing. I am anxiously awaiting a Woj Bomb dropping. Notifications. On.

LeBron Littlefinger James Continues to Pull the Strings and Gets Cavs GM Fired

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ESPN – The Cleveland Cavaliers have parted ways with general manager David Griffin, the team announced Monday. Griffin’s contract was up at the end of the month, and after extensive talks with owner Dan Gilbert, no agreement on an extension was reached..Cavs star LeBron James, who sources said was not consulted on the decision, tweeted out support of Griffin.

Jesus christ, ya drop 2 out of 3 NBA Finals and all of a sudden Cleveland is turning into a complete shitshow. Canning the GM days before the draft, while the guy is also balls deep into trade discussions just reeks of an impulse decision. Or who knows, maybe Griffin was sick of hearing shit from both ends, getting badgered by ownership and by LeBron, and just said FUCK THIS I’m out.

Either way, this is classic LeBron “I’m not the GM”  James through and through. Griffin built the second best team in the NBA and did just about everything LeBron wanted. He traded Andrew Wiggins for Kevin Love. The No. 1 overall pick and LeBron said send that teenager packing I need the white boy who can hit some 3’s and Griffin did it. He gave a max contract to Tristan fucking Thompson.

LeBron bitched the team didn’t have enough talent so Griffin traded for Andrew Bogut (who actually got hurt) and brought in guys like Kyle Korver and Derron Williams. Then the Cavs just happened to run into an all-time team in the Warriors and it wasn’t good enough. Instead of sitting down and figuring out, okay how the hell are we gonna beat these guys in Golden State, ya know, like a competitor would do – instead LeBron throws a bitch fit and gets the GM fired.

LeBron is basically the Littlefinger of the NBA. GM’s getting ousted, coaches getting fired, nonsensical trades and deals being made. The guy just loves the chaos.

LeBron’s little buddy Brian Windhorst can report all he wants how LeBron was “surprised” by the move:

But everyone knows whats up. Griffin was just LeBron’s latest fall guy. He’s the new Mike Brown. The new David Blatt. I’m not the coach, I’m not the GM, you guys built this shitty team not me so I’m gonna throw a temper tantrum and threaten to leave unless you axe this guy.

And that is why we don’t negotiate with terrorists. You pamper these guys and give them everything they want and then they turn around and throw everyone under the bus for making the exact moves you wanted them to make. Sorry LeBron, the Cavs are literally barren of assets to trade for a guy like Jimmy Butler or Paul George because of all these fucking moves you wanted the Cavs to make over the years.

Welp, godspeed to the next guy who’s got to take that job and get cucked by LeBron every day. Rumors are picking up steam now though that Chauncey Billups may actually take the job, which is probably the best thing for the Cavs despite Chauncey Billups having zero experience in the role. Billups can be the Ty Lue of the front office. Ty Lue, the guy who legit told LeBron to go fuck himself, was the best thing for LeBron. So there’s your blueprint Chauncey, godspeed.

Gronk Goes On An All-Time Bender, Rings Up $100K Bar Tab

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I feel like the word “epic” is thrown around a little too cavalierly these days. Getting black out in Faneuil Hall and then getting drunk pizza is not epic, Jimmy. BUT, ringing up a tab that tops SIX FIGURES definitely qualifies for that. Hell Gronk almost equaled what the entire Bruins team spent drinking at Foxwoods after winning the goddamn Stanley Cup in 2011. To rack up $102K at the bar, I’m gonna assume there wasn’t a lot of Miller Lites floating around.

And this is how you party…#shrine #foxwoods #gronkfam

A post shared by Erik Lorch || ⒻⒾⓃⓀ (@finkshotit) on Jun 18, 2017 at 1:32am PDT

 

To be honest though, Shrine should be paying Gronk for this kind of free promotion.

@kberg210 gettin that twerk angle with @gronk 🎥👌

A post shared by Erik Lorch || ⒻⒾⓃⓀ (@finkshotit) on Jun 19, 2017 at 9:42am PDT

 

Kylie Jenner makes like $300K for a promoted Instagram post for christ’s sake. So, when you think about it, its criminal to even let Gronk open his wallet for this one. Sure, take a few grand to fix the holes in the dry wall and steam clean the carpets and couches. But other than that you just thank Gronk for coming to fucking Connecticut to party and call it even.

About last night… 🎉🍾🎤 @gronk @official_flo @shrinefoxwoods #FOXSTAR

A post shared by Foxwoods Resort Casino (@foxwoods) on Jun 18, 2017 at 7:01pm PDT

What if Dennis Rodman Gets Taken Prisoner in North Korea and Directly Starts WW3?

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ESPN – Dennis Rodman, the former NBA bad boy who has palled around with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, began sightseeing in Pyongyang on Wednesday during a trip he said he hoped will “open a door” for his former “Celebrity Apprentice” boss — U.S. President Donald Trump.

Dennis Rodman is back in Pyongyang essentially writing the script for a movie that will put Kazaam and Shaq Fu in a bodybag. The words “Based on a true story” make the cash register ring homie. Not to mention, he’s legit getting the job done.

“Hours after his arrival, U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson announced that North Korea had released an American student serving a 15-year prison term with hard labor for alleged anti-state acts.”

Coincidence? I think not. While the rest of us are nervously laughing every time a North Korean test missile crashes into the ocean, Rodman is getting the royal treatment from Kim Jong Un as they probably party like kings.

Rodman is basically the real life version of James Franco in The Interview. There is no acting here, these guys are legit buds. These two are probably commiserating over the fact that the rest of the world thinks they’re both batshit crazy.

But what if they get in a spat? What if there’s a disagreement? Ya know who’s not understanding and reasonable? A goddamn dictator of an isolated nation.

So what happens if North Korea takes Dennis Rodman prisoner? You think Donald Trump is gonna let Kim Jong Un cuck him and steal America’s Greatest Rebounder of All-Time? FUCK NO. Donnie will be invading North Korea the next day. And that’s how World War 3 starts my friends. Not because of ISIS. Because of Dennis fucking Rodman.

Plus you just know, DJT would be live tweeting the whole thing from the White House grinning like a madman.

Fill In the Blank: Millennials Are Now Killing ____

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You could really put in anything there and you’d probably win this game. It’s become the running joke of the internet for anyone thats a Millennial. Today we’re killing Applebees and Buffalo Wild Wings. Seriously, just google “Millennials are killing”

Well first off, FUCK malls, office parks, home ownership and everything else us Millennials are killing. The kids have come home to roost. Baby boomers and Gen X saddled us with a shitty economy, crippling student loans, destroyed social security, the list goes on.

So, yea all those ridiculous things like paying for a newspaper subscription can kick rocks. Technically Millennials are the majority now and it would seem we’re weeding out all the shit that no one wants or needs. SEARS? Fuck outta here with a store that sells khakis, dryers, and garden hoses.

And this isn’t about participation trophies that everyone over 40 seems to think Millennials line their shelfs with. It’s about combatting a shitty perception thats been put on an entire generation. What started out as lazy descriptions for 20 somethings like entitled, impatient, or too dependent on technology has morphed into those same older generations dumping their shit on Millennials.

I think some of it is just straight up resentment, which is normal for any older generation facing an upstart younger generation. The fact that any 21 year old dickhead can start a company from their parents basement with nothing but a laptop probably breeds that contempt. I feel ya, if you’ve been working at the same company for 30 years hoping to get that gold watch at retirement, that’s frustrating. But Millennials are pretty woke to the fact that anyone can get canned at any time (see ESPN) so more and more people are looking to work for themselves in some form or another.

But with that contempt comes the outrageous articles blaming Millennials for killing department stores like Macy’s. No, Macy’s killed Macy’s because they run 100,00 fucking square foot stores with too much overhead selling shit no one needs. Solid business model. Let me introduce you to Blockbuster and cab companies, you morons.

This all brings me to my final point; the Avocado Toast story. This shit has become an ironic rallying cry for Millennials who can’t help but laugh when these hit pieces pop up every other week. Millennials now can’t afford to buy houses because they buy avocado toast and Starbucks. Or maybe its the amazing advice that is continuously doled out to young people. I saw a recent CNBC package titled “Millennials not saving for homes.” What was the sage-like advice from CNBC? Move out of cities like NYC to cheaper, shit holes like Cleveland, get a tiny house, or buy an RV. That’s their advice.

 

Welp, appreciate the wise words, but I think we’ll take our chances and see what other shitty industries we can successfully kill off along the way.

Tim Tebow About to Get Promoted by the Mets?

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Yahoo – Tebow has gotten fairly hot lately down in the Sally League of late. Overall, he’s hitting .250/.330/.370 with two homers and 11 RBIs in 28 games for Columbia, but in his past 16 games he has an .849 OPS. It has the Mets thinking: According to a club source, there has been discussion about moving the former Heisman Trophy winner to a higher level within the minors, but such a jump likely won’t occur until after the All-Star Game in midseason. The next level up from where Tebow is now would be St. Lucie, which is high-A, but I bet if they promote him they’d send him to Double-A Binghamton. Partially to get him closer to New York geographically, but partially as a sink-or-swim proposition.

CHOO CHOO! GET OFF THE TRACKS! TEBOW IS COMING TO DOUBLE A!

At least, according to sources, the Mets are considering giving Timmy a promotion after a recent hot streak has him slapping the ball all over the yard. Is he “technically” only batting .250 in Single A ball? Sure. But maybe getting him up to Double A will really get the competitive juices flowing. Throw in a couple miracle walk off type plays and he’s a Met before you know it.

You know ESPN is already aroused at the thought of Tebow playing professional baseball in the Northeast. They’re gonna really wish they didn’t axe all those reporters when they need someone on Tebow’s lawn day and night this summer.

Tough Days at TWWL

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A reminder of better days at The Worldwide Leader.

It has been said before that your favorite Saturday Night Live cast is the first cast you are old enough to remember. That would explain my reverence for Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald and those early Celebrity Jeopardy sketches from the mid ’90s. The same could probably also be said about SportsCenter anchors.

With Saturday Night Live, there can be a legitimate debate over who anchored Weekend Update the best. Norm Macdonald might get my vote, but I recognize that good arguments could be made for Seth Meyers or Dennis Miller. There can be no debate over  SportsCenter anchors, though. [Sorry, First Take, et al.] The Olbermann/Patrick tag team was the best, hands down.

It’s disappointing to see what SportsCenter has become. I know that SportsCenter can’t go back to two guys reading news stories in front of a wood panel wall like the Ron Burgundy days. I know that the immediate availability of news and video on my phone in my pocket has to change the model of a sports news/highlights show.

But sometimes I just want to watch sports with the smartest, funniest people in the room. I’ll watch highlights of the Red Sox game for the 10th time if you give me something no one else does. Hell, I’ll watch MLS highlights if you don’t make me feel like a less-enlightened sports fan because I don’t know the name of the head coach of the Seattle Sounders.

I don’t care how many graphics or video boards you have. Just get me the highlights, the news and a couple of laughs. Don’t talk down to me and don’t bullshit me.
PS – A decent theme song wouldn’t hurt either. The current SportsCenter theme sounds like a race car engine on loop with the same six notes repeating. Do better, ESPN.

Indoor Football League Fans Successfully Reject Team Signing Greg Hardy

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ESPN – A 10-hour fan vote by an indoor football team in Utah asking whether the team should sign former NFL defensive end Greg Hardy ended in a “no” Thursday morning. Results on the team’s app, which fans use to vote to call plays during games for the Salt Lake Screaming Eagles, of the Indoor Football League, was a virtual 50-50 tie, but the team announced Thursday that 50.1 percent of voters were against Hardy being offered a contract.

This is phenomenal. The very people that scumbag Greg Hardy has never cared about, ya know besides women, in the fans just told him to go shit in a hat. Oh you were a Pro Bowler in the NFL? You had 15 sacks in the most competitive football league in the world? Yea not up in here, not in the Indoor Football League. We don’t take kindly to that kinda shit.

Greg Hardy is a scumbag without any sliver of remorse so I think its time to put that guy in the Disney Vault. But how about the Screaming Eagles? Legit running their team like Twitch Plays Pokemon. Letting the fans vote on everything from who the team signs all the way down to what plays to run.

Its brilliant yet moronic at the same time. Its like a real life Madden Franchise Mode. Its the one thing fans crave, the ability to somehow effect the outcome of the game on the field. Yet there will always be assholes like me who will vote for the team to sign guys like JaMarcus Russell because with my play calling I can make it work. Put him in the shotgun and throw howitzers down field or scramble for 60 yard touchdowns. I am the architect of asshole quarterbacks. I’m like the Bill Walsh of mobile QBs who have no business being under center in the NFL. I’ll make it work.

Anyways, kudos to the Salt Lake Screaming Eagles fans for telling Hardy to piss up a rope. I’m glad someone finally did.

PS – A+ unis from the Salt Lake Screaming Eagles.