Since you can only do so many sit ups in your living room, the at-home workouts have fallen off precipitously. Meaning the majority of my exercise comes from walking the dog or a quick (read: slow) mile jog around the neighborhood while I gasp for air behind a mask. So the inactivity has shot way up while physical exercise has taken a nosedive. It also doesn’t help that my iPhone reminds me every other day how big of a piece of shit I am for taking less steps than normal, working out less than normal, and also using my phone for like 7 hours a day.
You would think not working out and lifting heavy weights and hopelessly trying to look respectable for bikini season would mean *less* injuries, but nope. As I often like to say I am aging in dog years and I seem to be physically falling apart due to all the inactivity. I somehow injured my shoulder getting *into* bed a couple weeks ago and I’m pretty sure I just have that now.
Doing some research into why it has become a conscious effort to open a heavy door without destroying my shoulder, the best self diagnosis I could come up with was Bursitis. And now I can’t stop laughing because I never even knew what Bursitis really was when Johnny Knoxville claimed to have it all those years ago.
So thats it for me folks, when the gyms finally do reopen in Boston and they tell us to jump back into our old workout routines, I’ll be sitting here like (old) Steve Rogers at the end of Endgame.
11 years. It’s been more than a decade since Tony Stark “built this in a cave with a box of scraps.” Avengers: Endgame is officially in theaters and I’ve been hiding from Twitter for the past week, minus a few ribbings at the expense of Mr. John Tavares and the Toronto Chokealeafs. Endgame is the culmination of everything in the MCU, a definitive end for many of the characters we’ve been watching since the days of George W.
As a final installment of the The 300s Marvel Cinematic Rewind, we wanted to touch base on the films of Phase Three that we haven’t covered yet, which also now apparently ends with Spider-Man: Far From Home. (Make up your mind, Kevin Feige!) So let’s get into it.
Dr. Strange
Giorgio: To be honest, Dr. Strange did nothing for me. I love Cumberbatch, but this film to me just seemed too much of a Christopher Nolan knockoff. The film is almost a literal combination of Batman Begins and Inception. One of these was good enough for me. 5/10
Red: This movie was a trip and one I did not expect to enjoy. I punted on it for so long that I actually ended up watching it for the first time on Netflix. I have to admit though I really enjoyed it. As Kyle mentions above it pretty much is like someone threw the scripts of Batman Begins and Inception together, but I loved both of those movies so it was right up my alley. Cumberbatch is excellent as the smarmy Dr. Strange and a really solid addition to the Avengers. 7/10
Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Giorgio: I liked it, but wasn’t nearly as good as the original. It was also really depressing. I’ll take as much Rocket as possible though. Bradley Cooper is an actor’s actor. 7/10
Red: I know Kyle is a bigger Guardians fan than I am, but I just could not get into GOTG2. The music as always was excellent (like the opening scene featuring Mr. Blue Sky), Rocket steals just about every scene he’s in, but I hated the “Ego is a planet” storyline and I’m a big Kurt Russell guy. But with all the aforementioned factors propping it up, this is still an entertaining flick. 7/10
Spider-Man: Homecoming
Giorgio: This movie was incredible. First Spider-Man I’ve liked since probably the original with MTV Best Kiss Winner Tobey Maguire. Tom Holland is a perfect Peter Parker, and the film does a great job of not taking itself too seriously. Shoutout to Michael Keaton as Vulture, essentially playing Birdman twice within the span of a few years. 8/10. Also, Aunt May 10 out of 10.
Red: Kyle described it in the best way possible; Tom Holland is a perfect Peter Parker. Michael Keaton was a kickass villain in a truly surprising twist and a legitimately frightening Vulture. Oh and Aunt May is a rocket. 9/10
Thor: Ragnarok
Giorgio: Possibly my favorite film of Phase Three. After two boring as hell solo films, Ragnarok takes a completely new approach to a stale franchise and gives it new life. It was hilarious, weird, and charming all at the same time. Tessa Thompson is a pleasure to watch on screen. Oh, and Jeff Goldblum. Horniest/smoothest man in Hollywood. 9.5/10
Red: This was one of the best comic book movies ever because it not only had top notch popcorn flick action, but it also was very self aware in how ridiculous it was (i.e. the opening scene/rock montage). Ragnarok also managed to work in Hulk perfectly without Marvel having to go out on a limb on ANOTHER Hulk standalone movie, despite how many people wanted a true Planet Hulk movie. I’ve always been partial to Thor despite it not being the strongest MCU trilogy (neither is Iron Man), but Thor 3 kicks all the asses and sets us up nicely for Infinity War, which starts minutes after Ragnarok ends. 9/10
Black Panther
Giorgio: Had zero idea what to expect, but came out really enjoying it. Great cast, great story. Michael B. Jordan is one of the best actors currently working. Also made over a billion dollars, so no surprises how universally liked this movie is. 9/10
Red: Same as Kyle I had zero idea what to expect out of this movie. Chadwick Boseman was pretty badass in Civil War so I knew they had a shot, but Michael B. Jordan stole the goddamn show as, in my opinion, the best villain in the MCU. 8.5/10
Avengers: Infinity War
Giorgio: For a film that has about 50 main characters, they did a great job not making the plot stroke-inducing to follow. Thanos finally shows his ass after a decade of sending his minions to inevitably just do it himself. We get a great Peter Dinklage cameo, always a pleasure to see him. It was great to finally see the beginning of the end. 8/10
Red: Bravo! Bravo! One of the few movies I made sure to see opening weekend because you have about a day before Twitter eggs ruin the movie for you and about a week before Yahoo just straight up starts posting spoilers in the headlines. As Kyle said this movie did an incredible job balancing dozens and dozens of characters that you legitimately cared about as the world building of Kevin Feige really started to pay dividends. This movie could have been 4 hours long and I wouldn’t have moved an inch. 9/10
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Giorgio: Fuck this movie. 2/10
Red: Very forgettable. All I remember is the villain that can phase through walls, yet is slowly dying. Also, if we’re being honest I’ve always disliked Evangeline Lilly for how she cucked Jack on LOST, but I admit thats not exactly fair. Paul Rudd is a treat to watch per usual and the movie introduces the Quantum Realm which I think we all expect to be one of the keys to Endgame. So decent movie, but very forgettable. 6/10
Giorgio: I….never saw this movie. Guilty as charged. I’m sure it was swell though, right? Nothing like shoehorning in a last minute character a month before the grand finale. At least I heard there’s an orange cat in it named Goose. Rating N/A
Red: Unlike Kyle, I paid 14 of my hard earned Schrute Bucks to go see this last weekend because I didn’t want to be completely lost when a Deus Ex Machina write in comes out of nowhere to save the day in Endgame. While I was less than excited going into this move (I just got a very Green Lantern vibe with the fighter pilot turned super hero with bad CGI), it wasn’t bad. Nothing great, nothing terrible. A de-aged Samuel L. Jackson (good CGI) carries the movie, but Jude Law is a great character/foil in Capt. Marvel. Some hamhanded naming conventions (Mar-Vel? Really?) and the lazy explanation for where Poochie, er I mean Captan Marvel, has been for the past 20 years leads to an OK, but highly skippable cinema experience. 6.5/10
Now I just need to make it to Sunday afternoon without someone spoiling Endgame for me. Do what I did kids, mute anything and everything related to Avengers on Twitter and stay off the news sites. We’re in the endgame now…
Captain America: Civil War (2016) is one of my favorite Marvel movies and I think a lot of people agree with that sentiment. My worry going back and watching Cap 3 for the first time in years was that it would just be me remembering another OK movie through rose colored glasses because of the incredible airport scene. Fear not, despite yet another convoluted villain character, this movie still kicks ass all these years later. As it should, considering this movie really made up for the disappointing Avengers 2. They should have called this movie Avengers 2.5. It also has the distinction of giving Captain America hands down the best complete trilogy in all of the MCU. Iron Man 2 and 3 leave much to be desired. Thor 2 was not great, and Guardians 3 is TBD. Now lets get to it!
Oooooh I love cold opens.
It’s 1991 and Winter Solider is back. It seems like he’s being tortured by the Russians, but after a series of code words uttered wake him up you see he’s basically a brainwashed spy for the Russki’s. They send him out on a retrieval mission and he whacks someone driving a caddy and takes some blue goo from their trunk. Title card.
We cut to Scarlet Witch, Captain America, Black Widow, and Falcon scouting out a scene in Nigeria for a mission which quickly turns into an all out firefight
“Wanda, just like we practiced,” Cap says to Scarlet Witch, implying the training thats been taking place before this.
But, wait its not just some faceless mercs, it’s Crossbones who is already an established villain apparently, but someone I again had to look up to remember his story. For anyone thats forgot like me he played Brock Rumlow in Captain America 2 as a sleeper cell agent for HYDRA. Welp Crossbones tries to suicide bomb Cap, only to be temporarily stopped by Scarlet Witch, who in an effort to levitate him to safety accidentally blows up half a building.
And thats how you get the Sokovia Accords.
Holy christ they CGI’d Tony Stark’s de-aged face onto a teenager’s body.
Tony Stark gets confronted by a woman who blames Stark for her son’s death in….you guessed it, Sokovia.
And thats how you get the Sokovia Accords.
The Secretary of State drops in on Avengers HQ to lecture the team about all the collateral damage they’ve caused with literally no repercussions.
It raises an interesting question though, what gives the Avengers the right to operate with “unlimited power and no supervision,” as the Secretary puts it?
We are introduced to Helmut Zimo, who is another HYDRA agent on a mission. Zimo is torturing another old Russian general. When he asks how Zimo found him he directly references the gigantic Wiki Leaks dump Black Widow did at the end of Winter Soldier.
This is where the split between the team members of the Avengers begins. Tony Stark the rogue “genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist” immediately opts to surrender his rights and sign the Sokovia Accords. This basically gives the Avengers the United Nations for a boss, which military lifer Captain America is just unwilling to do. It’s quite the role reversal we see here and drives the wedge between the team when half of them sign and half of them don’t.
Sokovia Accords ceremony gets bombed to high hell and King T’Chaka, of one Wakanda, is killed in the blast, which we will learn later leads to the introduction of another hero.
But who would bomb the Sokovia Accords? Oh well the news immediately identifies the culprit as one Bucky Barnes. That took 5 minutes, but sure. We’re then introduced to the first incident with the Sokovia Accords exposing why it’s such a pain in the ass. By not signing the document, Captain America isn’t allowed to interfere so he and his crew are officially outlaws at this point.
Cap going to help his friend out turns into Cap aiding and abetting a wanted terrorist realll quick though. He nearly gets out of it unscathed too until a goddamn Black Panther drops out of the clouds to stop them. United Nations sanctioned War Machine joins the party and congratulates Cap for now being a criminal before all three are arrested. Oh and we learn that Black Panther is in fact King T’Chaka’s son, T’Challa.
“I’m not getting that shield back am I,” Cap asks.
“Technically it’s the government’s property,” Black Widow shoots back.
This movie has a lot of parallels to X-Men 3: The Last Stand. As bad as that movie was it’s how this storyline could very easily turn, with the world calling for the eradication of Mutants and the Mutants fighting back. Here we have Tony trying to stave off “something worse” than signing a document.
Hey look its Zimo who somehow works for the government and is the exact guy interrogating Bucky Barnes. K? Zimo uses an EMP to knock out all the power in the building so he can say the code words to turn Bucky back into the Russian spy he was back in 1991. But, before we get into that, maybe War Machine can explain what the hell happened with that EMP?
Bucky is in brainwashed mode yet again and nearly kills everyone before Cap is able to knock him out before he can escape. He snaps out of it and explains to Cap how he got his brain scrambled again and what these guys might be looking for exactly.
“Because I’m not the only Winter Soldier,” Bucky says as a flashback shows exactly what that Blue Goo was from the opening of the movie. A group of psychos Bucky refers to as the most elite death squad in Hydra history were also injected with that serum, but they all seem to be pretty unhinged.
Tony Stark is officially given an assignment to bring in the rogue Avengers, but without half their team, Hulk, and Thor to back them up it’s time to do a little recruiting.
We head to Queens to meet the best Peter Parker ever put on film, who Tony quickly takes a liking to and invites him to Germany for a little project. Cut to Hawkeye who’s come out of “retirement” to bust Scarlet Witch out of house arrest, which takes a little duel with Vision to do so. Black Widow recruits Black Panther and Cap hits up Agent Peggy’s niece (whom he also macks on) to get back his shield and Falcon’s suit. And to round out the crew we got a starstruck Ant-Man meeting Cap and the rest of the rogue Avengers.
Paul Rudd should be in every one of these movies from here on out.
Tony and his crew of War Machine, Black Widow, Black Panther, Spider-Man, and Vision show up to shut that shit down. Let the Battle Royale begin.
Most of it’s all fun and games with some cheeky one liners, ya know except for Rhodes getting paralyzed. Other than that though, it’s all a pretty good time before Cap and Bucky escape and head to Russia to figure out WTF is going on. HYDRA winter soldier death squad, sleeper cell evil scientists?
The rest of Cap’s crew is on lockdown in the “max security underwater super pokey” as Tony describes it. He seems to be realizing this whole Sakovia Accords thing may have been a bad idea.
Tony learns of Zemo and with a tip from Falcon heads to Berlin, which don’t ya know is exactly where Bucky and Cap are headed. Zemo finds the old HYDRA lab in Berlin and locates the other winter soldiers saved on ice.
In a change of heart Tony realizes what Cap has been trying to do this whole time and joins forces with him.
Now this is where this movie gets weird. We finally see those other winter soldiers, but Zemo has already killed them all? So this whole thing was all a ploy to get the Avengers here? Bombing the UN, framing Bucky Barnes, killing innocent people for what?
“An empire toppled by its enemies can be rebuilt, but one that crumbles from within, thats dead forever,” Zemo says.
Zemo plays the security cam footage of Tony Stark’s parents not actually dying in a car crash, but getting straight up murdered by Bucky Barnes all those years ago. And it turns out Captain America knew the whole time.
Welp, there goes Tony’s renewed alliance with Cap and Buck. Blind with rage Tony will stop at nothing to kill Bucky now, even if it means going through Cap. After some serious hand to hand combat, it seems like Iron Man is in some deep shit, but with a blast from his goddamn chest piece Tony blows off Bucky’s metal arm.
Turns out Zemo’s family was killed in the shitshow that was Sokovia. Knowing he couldn’t kill the Avengers himself, he plotted to have them destroy each other. Black Panther apprehends Zemo before he can kill himself meanwhile Cap and Ton continue to beat the hell out of each other. Cap gets the upperhand and Tony drops a real heart wrenching quote that forces him to leave his shield.
Captain America goes full rogue and busts his half of the Avengers out of super max prison and leaves Tony with a promise, and a flip phone, that if he ever needs him he’ll be there.
Mid credits scene: Cap and Bucky are in Wakanda as Bucky decides being frozen once again is the best thing for everyone until they can figure out whats up. Oh and these guys have quite the technology don’t they?
Post credits scene:
This movie absolutely holds up and is one of the best of the entire MCU. It doesn’t really advance the overall plot of the Infinity Stones or the impending threat from Thanos, but this is a popcorn flick to beat all popcorn flicks. Captain America: Civil War is like when you finally get to open all your presents on Christmas Day and play with all your toys at once.
I have a hard time coming to terms with this movie. Avengers: Age of Ultron is a strange crossroads for the MCU. The film has some great moments and sets up a ton of what is to come in Phase 3, but just tends to stumble over itself constantly with some laughable choices and poor pacing. Even though it is the 11th movie in the MCU, it is the first direct sequel to The Avengers which obviously comes with built-in expectations. Here’s a quick re-cap for those that need a refresher.
Avengers: Age of Ultron suffers from the same problem as most of the Phase 2 films. They all sort of feel like filler. Phase 1 was able to build excitement from the promise that we were about to see all our heroes on the big screen together for the first time. Flash-forward to Phase 2 and we have more of a “been there, done that” mentality. I’ve seen them assemble, so now what? Phase 2 promised us a new direction, the lead up to the Infinity Stone plot line. So what do our heroes do in the meantime? The answer is, not much.
Ultron in itself is a plot device designed to stall. You have a self-made threat, created by Tony that is the newest danger to the existence of mankind. James Spader does fine with the character, but Ultron’s presence alone is just a stop-gap until Thanos shows up. The Infinity Stone plot line is at least front and center, with several references to the stones encountered so far and Thor claiming this all isn’t happening by chance and that there must be someone manipulating them from afar. Very astute observation, Thor.
The film does give us some new characters, most notably Vision and Scarlett Witch. Vision, who is essentially a demi-god, is a solid addition to the team. The character is played by Paul Bettany, who is best known in the MCU as the voice of Jarvis. It is kind of crazy to think just how well thought out things are behind the scenes at Marvel. Kudos.
There’s a ton that bothers me in this movie though. Thor’s lightning pool scene. Quicksilver dodging bullets all movie long to just get a shot a thousand times and die. Hawkeye having a wife and kids just hanging out at home. All things designed to distract us that this plot isn’t really advancing.
It’s tough to follow up one of the most successful movies of all time in The Avengers. Director Joss Whedon famously exited Marvel Studios after this film because it stressed him out too much. Luckily at this point we were only a year away from Captain America: Civil War, which is essentially Avengers 2.5 and feels like a more natural place to take these characters after the events of the first Avengers movie. Overall, Ultron is very meh.
The first time I watched Captain America: The First Avenger, I had zero expectations. I was won over by Iron Man, disappointed by The Incredible Hulk, flat out angered by Iron Man 2, and bypassed Thor altogether. Hell, I didn’t even see this movie until two weeks before The Avengers hit theaters. The Avengers hype was in full swing at this point and I was struggling to get on board. Maybe this whole MCU thing just wasn’t for me? At the time I was living in Los Angeles with some friends and all we did was watch movies during the week, so eventually this was bound to be thrown on the TV some random night. I always enjoyed the work of Chris Evans, who at the time really wasn’t in a heck of a lot. I adored Sunshine (the highly underrated sci-fi thriller) and of course who could forget his starring role as Jake Wyler in the amazing Not Another Teen Movie (you did remember that was him, right?)
Captain America: The First Avenger is set in 1940s New York City and tells the story of Steve Rogers. Rogers, a Brooklyn native, has his heart set on joining the armed forces, but is consistently shot down based on his small physique and a laundry list of health issues. He attends the Stark Expo in Queens (as seen in Iron Man 2, albeit many years earlier) with his best friend Bucky Barnes. His plan there is to try once again to sign up for the military as he thinks by doing so there they’ll be a little more lenient on who they let in. Bucky, who is ready to ship out the next day, frowns upon Rogers idea and encourages him not to keep trying to enlist under different names, which he warns is highly illegal. Rogers expresses to Bucky just how badly he wants to join and feels he could be doing so much more for his country. Overhearing this conversation is Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci). Dr. Erskine approaches Rogers while taking his enlistment physical and offers him a “chance” at becoming something more.
Rogers then ships off to boot camp where he meets Colonel Chester Phillips and Agent Peggy Carter (the former played by Tommy Lee Jones and the latter Hayley Atwell). Agent Carter immediately takes a liking to Rogers and motivates him along the way while Colonel Phillips sees him as wasting his time. After a brief competition to show off his determination and character as an individual (a scene incredibly reminiscent of Will Smith in the beginning of Men In Black just without all the humor, and hey! Tommy Lee Jones was in that too!) Rogers is selected by Dr. Erskine to participate in the super soldier program that he’s been working on.
Rogers is transported to a secret facility in Brooklyn where many government officials are standing by to watch the experiment take place. Rogers is injected with a serum and placed in what could only be described as a coffin-looking chamber where he evolves like a Pokemon into the Captain America we all know and love.
Unbeknownst to everyone in attendance, a Hydra agent has infiltrated the facility and sets off an explosion, devastating the lab and killing Dr. Erskine in the process. The devastation prevents further experiments from taking place, causing Rogers to be the only one of his kind. Convenient!
Meanwhile on the other side of the pond, Red Skull, the leader of Hydra, is testing weapons based off the technology of the Tesseract, aka the Space Stone of Infinity Stone fame. He plans to overthrow Hitler and the Nazis and take over the world himself. His weapons technology has the ability to vaporize people with a single blast!
After the whole ordeal at the lab, Rogers is shunned by the military as some sort of science project gone wrong. He wants to help in the fight against the Nazis, but he is instead cast as the lead in a traveling stage show who’s purpose is to sell war bonds. Rogers is forced to wear a rather garish costume, a uniform he would later adopt into his Captain America persona. Rogers feels underutilized and wishes he could be making an actual difference. Agent Carter reminds him that she believes he is meant for more.
Rogers discovers his friend Bucky and his unit have been captured inside enemy lines. Against Colonel Phillips wishes, Rogers and a platoon of men go and rescue Bucky and his guys where they run into Red Skull, who narrowly escapes.
When they arrive back at the base, Phillips is incredibly impressed with Rogers and his whole attitude towards him changes. He learns to trust him as a leader and embraces him for the super soldier that he really is. Howard Stark then provides Rogers with the notorious shield Captain America fans have come to know and love. Rogers and his team go on to assault various Hyrda bases across Europe, but when the group attacks a train transporting Zola, Red Skull’s #2 henchman, Bucky falls to his death (well, not really, but we’ll get to that at some other point).
After interrogating Zola, the final Hydra base is discovered and Rogers decides to take on Red Skull once and for all. He boards a plane that contains bombs designated for various cities across the United States. In the ensuing fight, the Tesseract is damaged and a portal is opened to space where Red Skull is sucked in before it closes for good. With time running out, Rogers is forced to down the plane to save the lives of millions.
Flash forward 70 something years where Rogers wakes up in a “hospital room” that turns out to be a sound stage. Naturally freaking out and feeling something is off, Rogers flees and discovers he is in the year 2012 in the middle of Times Square. Nick Fury shows up just in time for the credits to roll.
I should probably go ahead and say I absolutely love this movie. It has the strongest plot, message, and cast out of any of the Marvel films at this point. The film felt like it served an actual purpose, unlike some of its predecessors. Doesn’t hurt that it was directed by Joe Johnston, of Jumanji, Honey, I Shrunk The Kids, and October Sky fame. So what did I like?
Chris Evans
He’s perfect for this role. They took a chance casting him and as I stated earlier, he really hadn’t been in a hell of a lot up until this point. Now obviously he’ll be known as Captain America forever.
Hayley Atwell
I adore Hayley Atwell for many, many reasons.
World War II Setting
I’m a sucker for all things World War II. It was a surprise considering we all knew The Avengers was on the horizon and I wasn’t really sure how it would line up without having Cap in a nursing home. The movie did patriotism well, without going completely overboard.
Captain America as a Franchise
While the MCU as a whole is awesome, my one complaint is that nothing aside from Infinity War/Endgame feels essential. We’ve been building for 11 years to a grand finale, yet each movie comes with the knowledge that there’s always a follow up film on the schedule. We’re constantly waiting to see what happens next while not giving enough merit to what’s currently on the screen in front of us. Think about it. Iron Man as a character is deeply loved by the community that enjoys these films, yet arguably there’s really only one good Iron Man movie. The sequels felt like filler, plagued with bad writing and just enough Tony Stark banter to distract us from realizing what we were watching wasn’t that essential. The Captain America films I would argue are the strongest standalone movies in the whole universe. They advanced the plot forward, yet are good enough to watch without thinking about what’s next in the queue. They also tend to have the most crossover with other characters from the universe. I mean, let’s be real, Civil War is an Avengers movie with a different title.
Final rating: 8.0 out 10.
Next up for The 300s Marvel Cinematic Rewind, The Avengers.
11 years. It’s been more than a decade since Tony Stark “built this in a cave with a box of scraps.” Avengers: Endgame is officially in theaters and I’ve been hiding from Twitter for the past week, minus a few ribbings at the expense of Mr. John Tavares and the Toronto Chokealeafs. Endgame is the culmination of everything in the MCU, a definitive end for many of the characters we’ve been watching since the days of George W.
The 300s 