Time to mix it up! I’ve come at you with beer from the place that pays my bills and three different cocktails. Now it’s time to break into a category that many my age don’t know much about, but often enjoy when presented with quality bottles: WINE. When I first started in the alcohol industry 8 years ago, I knew very little about wine. Basically just these four things:
There are two types: red and white
Bad wine is what my parents drink
I’m not bougie enough to drink good wine
SLAP THE BAG!
Working in a small wine shop that only had 5 customers a shift and next to no stocking or other tasks to do, I started reading about it. I was enthralled; learning about wine enables you to learn all about different cultures, eating traditions and flavors, climate, geography, and so much more. As I took all this in I realized that when it comes to wine, the more you know, the less you know.
This can be exciting, but it can also be overwhelming and intimidating, especially when you’re not getting paid to know about the stuff. This is the mindset a lot of drinkers have when it comes to wine. They like some things they’ve had, hated others, and are not adventurous or wealthy enough to just take random stabs at bottles on the shelf and hope they work out. I wrote about this previously in one of my etiquette blogs, but this is why finding a retailer you can trust is a wonderful thing.
Here‘s an easy-to-understand wine tasting notepad to help you better describe what you’re tasting.
For starters, the above notepad offers some easy-to-use, common flavors to help you describe what you may or may not be tasting. The better you get at picking out flavors, the easier it will be to describe what you like. In addition to these, it’s also important to understand that dry and sweet have very specific meanings relating to the amount of fermentable sugar (referred to as residual sugar, or RS) still left in a bottle once fermentation is over. These terms are used incorrectly more than any other terms in the business, so it’s important to understand what they mean.
RS is completely up to the winemaker, which is why many grapes, such as Riesling, have both dry and sweet examples. To drive this point home, look no further than Sauvignon Blanc, a grape known for some of the greatest examples of white wine across the globe. On the dry side, you have Sancerre, as well as many other bottles from the Loire Valley in France. For sweeter offerings, you can find dessert wines made from Sauv Blanc the world over, most notably from Sauternes. Your perception can also be altered by things like acidity and tannin, which vary drastically across different grapes.
Below are two scales that will help you identify where certain wines fall on the dry-sweet spectrum, although you’ll probably have to zoom in to read the names of the grapes.
Wine Folly is an excellent resource when it comes to wine, offering everything from beginner guides like this to more advanced stuff like determining residual sugar.
Now that we’ve covered some of the basics, I can tell you what I’m drinking: red wine from Italy! Specifically, I’m drinking Scala Ciro, which is made from the grape Gaglioppo. Never heard of it? Don’t feel bad, there are hundreds of indigenous grapes in Italy, and there’s no reason for the average person to know the vast majority of them. However, a lot of them are hidden gems, like this one.
I picked this bottle because I’m having ziti with meatballs for dinner. When picking out a bottle of wine to go with dinner, a good place to start is matching a regional wine with the cuisine of said region. In this case, I’m drinking Italian wine with an Italian meal. Next up, you’ll want to pick flavors that contrast and compliment the dishes being served. I chose this wine because the drying factor of the tannins contrasts the sweetness of the tomato sauce, while the spiciness of the wine compliments the herbal flavors in the sauce. It’s for this reason that chocolate and red wine don’t go together. Both have bitter tannins in them, so when consumed together they just taste overly bitter, even sour.
When pairing with pasta, it also helps to think simply: red wine with red sauce, white wine with white sauce. From there, you can get a little more nuanced with help from your local wine shop employees. This is a good place for aspiring winos to start. If you’d like more wine-related content, feel free to comment!
It’s your go-to beer snob back with round 3 of Liquor Store Etiquette! I know it’s been a while since the last time I wrote one of these, but you’ll have to accept my excuse: I’ve been too busy drinking beer fresh off the line at my new stomping grounds, 3 Stars Brewing Company. In this post I’ll go over the right way to return bottles (yes there is a right way), the habits of my favorite customers, and what drives me crazy at the register.
Only Return Bottles That You’d Want to SortYourself
Ah, bottle returns. The most annoying part of the job for any employee. Some stores are lucky enough to have machines that will force the customers to sort the products themselves. Cool. The problem with these is they can only be rented by the store (at least in Mass), so you have to get enough returns to not lose money on the investment. This leaves most small stores the task of sorting them by hand. This becomes infinitely worse when customers bring in nasty cans and bottles. Here are some easy rules to follow when it comes to returning bottles:
-Rinse your bottles. Nobody wants to get your stale beer all over their hands and clothes. -Don’t bring back broken bottles, cans that have been shotgunned, or anything that may cut the employee. I’m not getting tetanus because of some lazy jabroni. -If it’s a craft beer, bring your empties back to where you bought them. Most stores don’t accept returns for products they don’t carry. Don’t argue about it. We know the law, and the law says we are only required to take back items we’ve sold. -Don’t bring back cans that have been crushed/can’t be scanned or empties you found under your deck that have been there for three years and have now accumulated all sorts of mold, dirt, earth and funk.
If you are unwilling to do any of these things, either recycle them like a normal person or bring them to a redemption center. If you do take them to a redemption center, don’t be surprised if they turn you away. Oftentimes, they are just as strict as retail stores.
2. Enough With the Cliche Jokes
I’m all for stupid dad jokes. Just ask my wife, she’ll tell you. But, most of the time, these types of jokes should stay at home. Retail workers and service employees hear the same stupid jokes over and over again. And, after the second time hearing a joke, it gets difficult to be fake-nice. Obviously, that’s part of the job. But, you should aspire to not make yourself look like a jackass every time you go somewhere. I’d say at least once a day I get some moronic answer to the yes or no question of “Is there anything I can help you find today?”
Some common responses:
-the winning Megaball ticket -a million bucks -A one way ticket to (insert country here) -a supermodel to be my wife
When you ask people that question over 100 times a day, your cheesy come back gets stale…fast! If I had $5 for every time I heard one of these, I’d be on beach somewhere thinking about how much those people suck.
3. Pick the Staff’s Brain
My favorite customers are ones that look for recommendations. Of course, this relies on a competent staff. For the sake of this article, we’re assuming that’s usually the case. Great staff members know what their customers like and don’t like. They will not only keep products in mind for the next time they see these customers, but they’ll even go so far as to stock products specifically for them. I personally did this with at least a dozen products. There’s nothing wrong with the guy who only drinks Bud Light. Not a fan, but I can appreciate that it’s a crowd pleaser. However, the customers I look forward to helping are the ones who not only want to know what’s new and what I’m excited about but also purchase products based on my recommendations as often as their livers allow.
4. Don’t Waste the Staff’s Time
This point runs off of my previous one: if you are going to ask for help, listen to what I have to say. Don’t waste my time by asking me a question and then immediately shutting off your brain. God gave you ears for a reason. It also helps to avoid having the same conversation with the same staff member every time you visit a shop. Oh, you like Cabernet Franc? I fucking know, Harvey! You’ve told me this every time I’ve seen you for the past 5 years. What’s that? You’re just going to get Bud Light even though I spent the last 20 minutes explaining to you the difference between every IPA we stock? Well, fuck you too, Susan! Don’t bother starting these conversations if you’re just going to ignore our advice and get the same shitty product you came in for in the first place? I don’t need to be there for you to pick out crap. I’ve got plenty of work to do without your dumb ass wasting my time telling me you just can’t seem to get as much head in Massachusetts as you did in Delaware (either pour more enthusiastically or talk to your wife, Bill).
Well, that’s enough complaining for me today. I’m getting near the end of my liquor store complaints, but still have a few left in the tank. Hopefully, Part IV will be out a little quicker than Part III. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy and employ these tips!
Grenga here back with another installment of Liquor Store Etiquette, and a handful of new Do’s & Don’ts to help you make it through your harrowing journey to the local packie. Last time I gave you a fair amount of my own background, so this time I’ll just dive right in.
1. Bring Your ID
Do. Bring your damn ID. I don’t care how old you are, bring your ID. You are buying alcohol. This should be pretty straightforward, but I can’t tell you how many people I’ve turned away because they look college age and don’t have an ID on them. I can understand how a person in their 50s with grey hair might get annoyed at this, but chances are that person won’t get ID’ed anyway. In case you do, don’t get offended. The people behind the counter are just doing their job, and it’s your job to have documentation that you can legally purchase what it is you are trying to take home. And please do not give me the “ugh, I’m 24” response. Bitch, you aren’t old. I’m not saying that you look 16 when I’m ID’ing you. I’m saying you look under 40…which you fucking are, so shut up. Also, if you’re with anyone who is underage, leave them in the car. There are things called “Party Laws” where everyone in the party needs an ID. Don’t have one? Keep out of sight so you don’t ruin it for your friends. That goes for teenage children with their family members too.
Right after the Patriots completed the insanity that was the greatest comeback ever in the Super Bowl against the Falcons, Geneo Grissom, his wife and two friends came into my store looking for a bottle of wine and a 6 pack to go with dinner at the BYOB place down the street from us. Three of them had ID’s, but Geneo’s wife, a tiny five-foot-nothing blonde who looked like a high school cheerleader, did not. Her response? “Uh, you can google me.” FUUUUCK you….I googled her anyway, and guess what? She was TWENTY-FUCKING-THREE. And the only thing google had to say about her then and now is that she is Geneo Grissom’s wife. Get that arrogance out of my damn face! I wasn’t about to turn away a Super Bowl Champ just because his wife sucked, but I did explain to them that the only reason I was doing so was because they just made the greatest comeback anyone will ever see. What should you take away from that story? Unless you’ve recently won a world championship in something, bring your fucking ID. Also, Mrs. Grissom is a jerk.
2. Store Workers Hate Trophy Hunters
Are you a trophy hunter when it comes to rare stouts, IPA’s, whiskeys and wines? Great! I don’t care. I couldn’t give any less shits about the number of bottles in your cabinet. Also, if you’re dumb enough to buy a bunch of expensive whiskeys, open them, and then never drink them again, guess what? Hard alcohol, like every other kind of alcohol, oxidizes and goes bad over time. It may take over a year to do so, but you don’t have forever. If you’re spending hundreds of dollars on rare products, make sure it’s not going to waste. Don’t brag to me about what you have in your cellar, because again, I do not give a shit, and you’re more likely to make yourself sound dumb than cool.
Another thing: if you’re going to be a trophy hunter, it’s a good idea to know at least a little about what you’re asking for and when it’s available. There are idiots everywhere who saunter into stores and expect people to have a bottle of Pappy, Yamazaki, Weller, etc just sitting around. Nobody does, and if you did even a little bit of research you’d be able to find that out on your own. If you are lucky enough to have found one of these online, don’t tell me how much you paid for it. Chances are you paid hundreds more than the initial retail price for a product that is comparable to plenty of stuff on the shelves if you know where to look. I once had a guy brag to me he bought a bottle of Pappy 10 for $500 (when in stock, we sold ours for $65).
If you do this, you’re lucky you don’t get laughed out of the store.
Many of these products only get released once a year. When they do the majority of stores either post online, raffle them off, have a waiting list or offer them to their best customers. They NEVER end up on the shelf. If you aren’t loyal to that store, you aren’t getting it. So fuck off.
3. Don’t Try to Out-do the Sales Associate
There’s a lot of people out there who like to sound special when talking about the products they drink. This point goes hand in hand with the points I made about trophy hunters. We don’t care what you’ve got in your basement or how long you waited in line to buy the beer in your fridge. If you want a recommendation on something like Treehouse or Trillium, of course I can help. But if all you drink is beer from those companies, don’t pontificate to me that you understand beer or have any idea about all of the other great beer that’s out there these days. Don’t get me wrong, those companies make excellent beer. However, when you consider you’re spending almost $25 per 4-pack, you wait in line for over an hour at a place that’s hours away, and you’re buying beers with the same hops you find everywhere else (Citra and Mosaic FTW), it’s really difficult for me to get excited for you. Now everyone should try beers from Treehouse and Trillium, among others, because they are great. Personally though, I think of them mainly as a reference point for the stuff you can actually buy at a retail store. Any respectable craft beer shop should have at least 5 beers in the same class. I personally stocked Fort Hill Jigsaw Jazz, 14th Star Tribute, Barnstable Brewing Examen, Two Roads Two Juicy, and IPA’s from Proclamation, Singlecut, Fiddlehead, and way more on a regular basis. All of these products (with the exception of Singlecut) are less than $20 a 4-pack and readily available. Add in the fact that Trillium has been at the center of several controversies, and there’s really no reason for me to get excited about that company.
4. Don’t be Afraid to Return Stuff That Seems Off
This is a tricky one. Unless you’ve had a lot of experience with corked wines or dirty tap lines, it can be hard to tell if a product is off. It can be a little easier if you’re out at a bar, because you can ask the staff what they think (assuming the staff is honest with you). If something tastes off or your cocktail is all ice, it’s okay to send it back and ask for a new beer. Just don’t be a dick about it and maybe try something else next time.
When it comes to returning stuff to a store, be open-minded. I’ve never personally enjoyed handling returned bottles of wine, because I am not an expert in all of the flaws that can arise in wine. TCA, or cork taint, is the probably the easiest of the bunch to identify. If you open a bottle and it smells like a musty basement or wet cardboard, that’s corked. A lot of people use the term to mean flawed, but that is a misnomer. TCA is a chemical that comes from natural corks and can eventually spread to the liquid. This kind of thing happens, so any store should replace this on the spot. This flaw only gets worse over time as well, so if you don’t bring it back immediately it shouldn’t be an issue. For more on wine flaws, check out this article from Wine Folly here.
On the other hand, if you get something that tastes off but aren’t sure, you can bring that back too. However, do so within a day or two of opening it otherwise the bottle will oxidize too much for the wine associate to be able to tell. It also helps to not be an asshole about it and act like they owe you something just because you brought it back. I’m a lot less willing to help someone or give them a refund if they insist that a product is flawed when it is not. If you tell me “something tastes off about this but I’m not sure what it is” then I can work with you to explain what it is you are tasting. If there isn’t a problem, I’ll switch it out for something more your speed. But if you are a dick and don’t want to listen to what I have to say, then you can shove that bottle where the sun don’t shine.
Very rarely do we have issues with beer, but often the problems we do see come from issues on the canning line. We’ll see cans that weren’t sealed properly and leak or cans that lack pressure, both of which leave a flat beer. We’ll also see cans that aren’t filled all the way. These are easy enough to identify right off the bat and can be avoided simply by checking the cans before purchasing them. If you squeeze them and the cans have a noticeable amount of give to them, then just grab the next 4-pack. As for a low fill, that’s pretty self-explanatory. A craft store with a reliable staff should be able to pick these out before they even hit the shelf, but they do get missed from time to time.
Welp, that’s it for round two of Liquor Store Etiquette. I’d love to hear what people think about these posts. If there are any questions regarding maximizing an alcohol-buying experience, or tips on how to avoid awkward confrontations, I’m your guy!
Over the years, much has been written about the trials and tribulations of the retail worker. It’s been well documented that employees working in the retail and service industries often deal with the underbelly of society and the ugly side of people you would otherwise think are respectable, upstanding citizens. I’ve personally worked in retail for over half of my life, and have worked in the alcohol industry in particular for nearly a decade. In that time, I’ve seen a lot. In the span of a few posts, I’d like to share some insights from my side of the counter in hopes of creating a more aware, educated public that will stop being such fucking idiots when trying to perform the relatively simple task of picking out a 6-pack.
As a disclaimer, all of my experience comes from working in cities and towns outside of Boston. Most of this comes from one shop in particular, and I can only imagine that people working in more urban settings have even more outrageous stories to tell. First, a little about why I’m qualified to tell you to fuck off. I started off as an entry level wine associate reading, doing tastings, and most importantly, drinking. Eventually I worked my way up to becoming a beer buyer and manager for a craft beer and wine shop in a Boston suburb. I’ve been in this particular role for about 17 months, but have amassed a wealth of knowledge when it comes to beer, wine and spirits over the course of my career. I am a Cicerone Certified Beer Server, the first step in becoming a Cicerone, although anyone who has gotten this certification will tell you it’s pretty basic and nothing to brag about. I wouldn’t call myself an expert on any aforementioned categories of alcohol because the more you learn about this stuff, the more you realize there is to learn. All I would say is this: I am a professional drinker; that is, I drink professionally.
What follows is the first part in a multi-part series of what to do and what not to do when interacting with the staff at your local liquor store.
1: Don’t Piss Your Pants on the Sales Floor
This would seem like an obvious one, no? Well guess what? This happened to me. One typical Tuesday afternoon, a construction worker guy came into my store demanding to know where the Twisted Tea Raspberry tall boys were. I explained to him that we were out and they would be coming in tomorrow, but this didn’t do. He told me he’d settle for a regular Twisted Tea tall boy, but needed to use the bathroom. At almost every liquor store I’ve worked at (5 in total), we’ve kept broken bottles and other crap in the bathrooms, so they are off limits to customers. The last thing we need is someone filing a lawsuit because they cut their wiener on broken glass while trying to piss. This guy didn’t like that answer, and next thing I know, we’ve got a Billy Madison Miles Davis situation going on. I let him use the bathroom, but needless to say he was banned.
2: Be Honest With Yourself About What You Like
My least favorite people to deal with are the regulars who don’t understand what they actually like, and insist they want the opposite of what they actually like. They hear buzzwords like juicy or fruity or jammy, and think for whatever reason there is something wrong with these words. I can’t tell you how often we have people insist they don’t like sweet wines but end up with a red blend with more residual sugar than a bar dark chocolate. They may not necessarily taste sugary because things like tannin and acidity can dull perceived sweetness, but that sugar is still there. Also, why do people insist on wanting wine that isn’t fruity?
These people, and Big IPA guys. Fuck, these guys suck. The majority of these guys drink one of two things: Bud Light or a “Big IPA.” These are the type of guys who don’t drink fruit beers because their hyper-masculinity tells them that fruit beers are chick drinks, yet their preferred method of intoxication is either alcoholic rice urine or canned orange juice. These are the same guys who order a Sex on the Beach in a whiskey glass without the umbrella because they don’t want to look gay. Hate to break it to you Bro McCarthy, but you like fruity drinks. What’s the hallmark of the New England IPA that has the beer world clamoring these days? Low bitterness, soft mouthfeel, high alcohol, and…you guessed it, TONS OF FUCKING FRUITY HOPS. Not to mention the fact that the difference between most of these beers is so minute, you’re basically just drinking one of three things…
At the end of the day, nobody should feel ashamed about what they like. There is no such thing as a gay drink, a chick drink, or a dudes drink. Everyone drinks everything. But the more honest you are with yourself about what you like, the easier it will be for the staff at your local shop to recommend things you like. We’re living in the golden age of alcohol with a ton variety out there across beer, wine and spirits. Unless you’re a professional or have the wallet and liver to constantly try new things, you’re going to need some help, and I’m willing to do so. In part two of this series, I’ll dig into when it’s acceptable to return stuff, why trophy hunters are obnoxious and who should bring their ID.
The 300s 
