So the Sports Authority, much like Blockbuster and countless other brick and mortar stores before, went out of business fairly recently due to it being completely obsolete. This is an issue for the Denver Broncos as Sports Authority had the naming rights to the Broncos stadium, which they now obviously can’t pay, thus rendering the stadium nameless. Now Denver has a large chunk of lost revenue they are sitting on as they still haven’t inked a new deal with another entity to name the stadium after. Let’s give them a hand!
1.) Alphabet Field
Soon enough Google and it’s parent company are going to run the world via a search engine-centric version of the Hunger Games universe so why not just stop resisting now? Anyone coming in or out can be scanned for everything they like and dislike, can be implanted with a GPS tracking chip (anyone with a mustache can’t get a home loan anywhere near a school, that sort of idea), and maybe the folks in Silicon Valley can even pick mates for us “The Giver” style. It’s called fucking evolution people. (Elon Musk is going to be super mad he didn’t think of this).
2.) Backpage.com Stadium
I’m actually a pretty big proponent of legalizing prostitution. It’s simple really. If people got laid more they’d be less angry and less apt to do some of the more crazy, irrational shit we see on the news ever day. To that end lets make it easier for those who have trouble finding a partner for the horizontal tango by allowing them to rent one. Backpage, completely off the official record mind you, seems to be the go to place to find a hooker these days so let’s take the first step and name a stadium after it, get the word out there. C’mon Denver, you’re a progressive city.
3.) Pot Field
Ya I mean I really don’t have a joke here. Nothing clever. They’ve all been made. Colorado just loves weed.
4.) Vegan-Crossfit Stadium
This is the best of the bunch in my opinion, maybe the best idea I’ve ever had, period. Slap this name on the stadium. Offer tofu burgers and kale and shit to eat and dead-lift stations instead of VIP clubs and bars. Then when all of those obnoxious fucking people who don’t shut the fuck up about biologically flawed lifestyle choices enter the stadium and sit down for the game, we lock the fucking doors. Forever. Don’t starve them, don’t torture them. Feed them. Allow them to be. Allow them to thrive. Just nowhere near mainstream society.
So that’s it. Four ideas of what to name the Broncos stadium. Get this to John Elway.