Tesla Closing All Its Retail Stores, How Will Malls Stay in Business??

TechCrunchTesla is moving all of its sales online, a dramatic shift in its sales strategy that will result in the closure of stores and some layoffs as the automaker looks for ways to reduce costs in order to bring a cheaper Model 3 to market.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk didn’t say how many stores would close. He noted that some stores would remain and turn into information centers and showrooms. The company didn’t provide specific numbers on how many retail employees might be affected.

Goddamnit, I was just about to go to the mall and buy a Tesla too. In all seriousness though, have you ever actually met anyone that drives a Tesla? I see them plugged into random parking garages around town, but I’ve never actually met someone that drives one.

Come to think of it, the only place I ever really see Teslas is in those absurd showrooms in ritzy malls. Like I’m just going to be walking from Auntie Anne’s Pretzels to Lids and I’m going to stop and say ya know what, I should buy a car. Preposterous.

Just a ridiculous idea really, but I guess they are more so using the Apple model. Apple knows these gigantic showrooms cannot possibly be ROI positive, despite how expensive some of these iPhones have become. No, they’re thinking more longterm than that because they’re evil geniuses. How many kids do you see going into every Apple store playing with all the new iPhones, Apple Watches, and whatever other gadgets they put out? They’re basically just planting a seed in these kids’ brains so when they do come of age and have some disposable income they are already Apple disciples and they don’t even know why. McDonalds did that for decades with those gigantic play places.

Marketing is a trip, huh?

PS – When I was in Buffalo last year I was driving around the industrial part of town and stumbled upon the Tesla factory and it looks like the goddamn Avengers Headquarters. Just a massive building putting together technology I don’t understand in the absolute middle of nowhere.


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