Welcome back. Here we are, already one week through the 2019 NFL season. Which means one week through the 2019 fantasy football season and one full week removed from your life expectancy due to fake, non-existent, nonsensical sports-induced stress.

As is customary here at The 300s, I reached out to my blogging brethren to see what went down for their squads in Week 1, and to give you the reader the opportunity to find pleasure in our pain (Ortriumph178fuckingpointsareyoukiddingmeGiorgio?).

Papa G (1-0)

QB – Lamar Jackson, WR1 – Keenan Allen, WR2 – Julian Edelman, RB1 – Le’Veon Bell, RB2 – James Conner, TE – David Njoku, Flex1 – Brandin Cooks, Flex2 – Austin Ekeler

Lamar Effing Jackson. 47 points. Can’t say I expected that. Ekeler with 38 was a nice surprise too. Feeling kind of confident for a change. I’m sure week 2 will destroy that.

Joey B (0-1)

QB – Baker Mayfield, RB1 – Alvin Kamara, RB2 – Phillip Lindsay, WR1 – Adam Thielen,
WR2 – Mike Williams, TE – George Kittle, K – Stephen Gostkowski, D/ST  – Denver Broncos. Notable Bench – WR – D.J Chark, TE – David Njoku.

I took it off the chin and am already about to call it quits. Phillip Lindsay’s new nickname is “fucking” and the Broncos D apparently sucks. Only solace is I have high waver status and might get John Ross.

Red (0-1)

QB – Cam Newton, WR1 – Davante Adams, WR2 – Cooper Kupp, RB1 – Ezekiel Elliott, RB2 – Devonta Freeman, TE – Austin Hooper, Flex1 – DJ Moore, Flex2 – Kenyan Drake. K – Will Lutz, Def – New Orleans

Just a real disaster of a showing from your boy’s team, led by Cam Newton and his stupid hat. I nearly ordered Grubhub hungover from my couch more times (3) than Cam Newton had points (5) on Sunday. So there was a real failure to launch in Week 1.

Big Z (1-0)

QB – Russell Wilson, WR1 – Mike Evans, WR2 – Brandin Cooks, RB – Dalvin Cook, TE – Eric Ebron. Flex1 – Tyler Lockett, Flex2 – Christian McCaffrey, K – Matt Prater, D – Seattle

With a 119-76 win, the Z Men claimed the biggest blowout in the league this week. Life is good when you’ve got Christian McCaffrey on your team. Hopefully my 2019 keeper has more of an impact than my 2018 keeper did (Le’Veon Bell).

I’m pretty pleased with the performance I got out of the Seattle defense, too. I didn’t even draft a defense as I prefer to go week-to-week at that position, and it worked out well for me in Week 1.

Picking wide receivers and tight ends are like picking Keno numbers for me. Thankfully Eric Ebron’s donut didn’t do me in this week. We’ll see how many more of those I can sit through before his inevitable four touchdown game.

It’s a shame I can only squeeze in two RB’s a week in this league. I still keep a long list of backs on the bench, though. A little bit of insurance and a little bit of roster manipulation. We’ll see how my starting lineup looks in Week 13.

Dom (1-0)

QB- Carson Wentz, WR1 – Keenan Allen, WR2 – TY Hilton, WR3 – Brandin Cooks, RB1 – Zeke Elliott, RB2 James Conner, TE- Hunter Henry, Defense – Rams, K – Robbie Gould

The Scruffy-Looking Nerfherders had a big week. Essentially everyone but Cooks performed well. Wentz went off, and I have Tom Brady and his back up, so he’ll be getting more starts going forward. My RBs weren’t even great and I still scored the 2nd most points. Marlon Mack and Allen Robinson also had solid games on the bench, so I feel like I’m in great shape early on.

Now the other league is a bad QBs and Punters league. I feel like bringing this up just because it’s a hilarious idea. You get rewarded for bad QB (turnovers, incompletions, etc) and lose points for good play. What makes it tough is that although you want a bad QB, you don’t want someone who is going to get benched and force you to keep make waiver claims. This week, I led the league in scoring behind famous Jameis. Here’s to hoping that he keeps the QB spot this year!

Mattes (1-0)

QB – Dak Prescott, RB1 – Dalvin Cook, RB2: Kerryon Johnson, WR1 – Adam Thielen, WR2 – Robert Woods, TE – Travis Kelce, Flex1 – Dede Westbrook, Flex2 – Sterling Shepard, D/ST –  Baltimore

1-0 and the league’s third-highest scorer. What a way to start the season! I was already loving my team heading into the season – for the first time in years – and besides Kerryon, everyone pretty much showed up in the opener. Dak and Dalvin set the world on fire, and even guys like Woods and Kelce produced over 13 apiece without even scoring. I’m switching Westbrook and Shepard out this week for Matt Breida and Devin Singletary, cause, ya, my bench is stacked, too. I’m usually never this confident about my squad, but The Pride of Kansas looks ready to fucking roll this year. LFG.