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Patriots Pick Em Week 5

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I’m writing this after the Red Sox just finished getting bent over by the Astros so I’m a little bit jaded right now. So tonight on the American tradition that is Thursday Night Football Color Rush, the Patriots are a (-5.5) point favorite over the Buccaneers….and I don’t feel great about that line. (As always, all of our betting lines are courtesy of the Westgate Las Vegas SuperBook so blame them if the numbers change.) The Pats defense has obviously looked like shit. Well, no actually they’ve looked like a defense on pace to be the worst defense in NFL HISTORY. Alan Branch got left at home and now Gronk is out. That is not a great equation especially on a short week. Even with Brady having one of the best starts of his entire career, the guy can’t play defense. So while I’m not saying the Pats are necessarily gonna lose, I don’t see them winning by a touchdown or more. I think if anything they squeak by with a FG or less so I’m picking the Bucs to cover.

PS – I saw Rich Keefe tweet earlier today the payoff of an anti-Boston parlay today and I’m kinda wishing I took that right about now.

Cam Newton Says Some Not So Nice Things About Women in Sports

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I was half heartedly watching this video waiting for the innocuous comment that everyone was getting all riled up about. Fire up the outrage machine and call the PC Principal. Overreaction metaphors galore. But in literally the first 5 seconds of speaking Cam Newton drops an absolutely cringeworthy line.

“Its funny to hear a female talk about routes….its funny.”

This is like something out of an SNL skit because it just comes off as so bizarrely out of place. Am I personally offended by this? Of course not. But do I think that this will be discussed ad nauseam every single day on SportsCenter for the next month? 100% And thats the weird part. I don’t know if Cam Newton is a raging sexist who goes around telling female reporters to get back in the kitchen, but jesus christ dude you’re doing a press conference in front of cameras and microphones. You HAVE to know that comment is not gonna play well. Comedy Rule No. 1, Cam: Read the room. Know your audience.

The Internet Remains Undefeated with this Donald Trump Larry Bird Mashup

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Regardless of where you stand politically, if you can’t laugh at this video then you’re dead inside. Was Trump making a little too light of a serious situation by swishing paper towel rolls into the crowd in Puerto Rico?

Yea probably, but without his joshing around we wouldn’t have had this glorious mashup with Larry Legend. The winner AND STILL undefeated, undisputed champion, the internet.

So Long Malcolm Subban, We Hardly Knew Ye

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ESPN – Goaltender Malcolm Subban was claimed off waivers by the Vegas Golden Knights, Boston Bruins general manager Don Sweeney said Tuesday. The Bruins waited until Monday to waive the 23-year-old, with most teams already set in goal, hoping to sneak him to their Providence affiliate, but the former first-round pick was claimed by Golden Knights general manager George McPhee.

We hardly knew ye, indeed. Well, except for the 2 games you started and got absolutely annihilated by real NHL players, giving up 6 goals on 22 shots (a scorching .727 save %).

While you never want to give up on a young player you invested a lot in (24th overall pick), its been five years and it probably just wasn’t gonna happen for him in Boston. Still it sucks to have the Bruins squander another asset, getting nothing for Subban. Sweeney basically said Subban’s trade value was so nonexistent that he couldn’t get anything for the goalie. The Bruins tried to sneak him through waivers, but the Golden Knights claimed him so his trade value couldn’t have been that barren.

While Subban certainly ate a bag of dicks in his limited opportunities between the pipes for the Bruins, he is still only 23 and goalies tend to age like fine wine. You routinely see older guys figure it out or get hot or find the right situation and go on a tear for a season or more. Tim Thomas anyone?

He was 32 when he landed the Bruins starting job full-time and he was the oldest player in league history to  win the Conn Smythe at 37 years old.

So Subban could still figure it out, but its also a reminder that goalies routinely come out of nowhere. So maybe just don’t blow top draft capital on them.

 

Tommy Heinsohn Checked Out Aaron Baynes in the Shower and Loved What He Saw

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The regular season hasn’t even started yet and Tommy is already making national headlines for saying outlandish shit. This time though it wasn’t about comparing Tyler Zeller to Bill Russell. It was about checking out Aaron Baynes in the shower and loving what he saw.

“I took a look at Baynes in the shower…..and he looks like ALL of Australia. He is really put together.”

Baynes laughed it off saying he appreciated the compliments from a Celtics legend. Umm yea, ya think? How dare he tell people about my gigantic hog?

Here’s the full clip:

Tommy’s a little bit nuts, we all know that. Tommy is like the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner. We turn our heads when he makes an off color joke or screams into the microphone about a referee blowing a game. You just kind of laugh it off and embrace it because he’s a lunatic, but he’s our lunatic.

If Your Name’s Not Colin Kaepernick Then the Media is Not Happy With You Working Out for the Titans

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So Marcus Mariota went down last week and the Titans need to sign another QB as an emergency option. Someone that the team hopes will, ya know, not play. It came out that the Titans worked out four guys – Brandon Weeden, Matt Barkley, Matt McGloin, and TJ “The Yates of Hell” Yates.

Notice that list does not include lightning rod and fellow unemployed quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Well the media is NOT having it. Just roasting guys left and right

First we got old man Brandon Weeden getting smoked by Rotoworld.

Brandon Weeden is 33. Guy was probably grabbing his morning paper when he got hit with this. Ruthless. To be fair though, he was the oldest player EVER drafted in the first round at 28 years old.

If you’re a QB looking for work and your name is not Colin Kaepernick, then the media has no use for you.

Then you got ESPN’s Louis Riddick just flying off the top rope on an unsuspecting Matt Barkley.

Guy’s just for going on a job interview and Louis murdered him in cold blood. Names not Colin? Meet the people’s elbow.

Groom Jumps Into Lake and Saves a Little Kid Before His Wedding

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Yahoo -Brittany and Clayton Cook were taking full advantage of the warm September weather on their wedding day, posing for pictures at Victoria Park in London, Ontario, after their ceremony. As often happens, the spectacle of the bride and groom drew the attention of three children, who excitedly watched the photo shoot. But while Brittany posed for a couple of solo pics, Clay suddenly noticed something was wrong…“I saw the kids around, and there were three of them, and then there were two, so I thought, ‘I better just double-check to make sure all the kids were OK,’” he recounts to Yahoo Lifestyle. “When I went over there, he was struggling a bit, so I tried to just get him out of there. I jumped down, reached as far as I could and plucked him out.”

What a wild story, good thing this guy Clay was johnny on the spot here. Dude was in the middle of his wedding day photos (kind of a big deal to the ladies) and notices theres suddenly one less kid watching them. Springs into action and jumps into the lake to save this kid. Great, heroic story, but I just laughed thinking about how the wife is probably sneaky pissed her husband is soaked and ruined the pictures.

Not to mention the bridesmaids definitely went WILD for this guy after he did his best Superman impression. Nothing women like more than having to bat away the floozies on their own wedding day. Probably still gives the guy shit about it to this day.

“I guess if you are going to take anything away from it, it’s the importance of having your kids learn how to swim at an early age.”

Love the wife’s moral of the story too. Not be careful. Not be kind to others. Teach your fucking kids how to swim. Straight to the point. Respect it.

 

In an Effort to End Tanking, NBA Changing Draft Lottery in 2019, Which is Perfect Timing to Not Affect the Celtics!

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ESPN – The NBA’s board of governors voted to pass legislation on draft lottery reform and guidelines for the resting of healthy players in the regular season, league sources told ESPN…The lottery reform changes will be instituted for the 2019 NBA draft..The NBA needed a three-fourths majority to pass draft lottery reform, which is designed to discourage teams from tanking to pursue the best possible odds to select highest in the draft order.

This is great news for Celtics fans in the sense that we won’t be getting fisted out of the last of our coveted (hopefully) lottery picks. Not so much for small market teams that rely on tanking. Christ, Sam Hinkie wrote the book on tanking. Dude got canned by the Sixers, but they wouldn’t be where they are today without him. Trust the Process indeed.

Thankfully the Celtics have already pocketed all those Nets picks:

2018: No. ? – Traded to CLE as part of Kyrie Irving deal
2017: No. 3 – Jayson Tatum (Right to swap with Nets and BOS traded down from No. 1)
2016: No. 3 – Jaylen Brown
2014: No. 17 – James Young

Now the C’s will bank on the 2018 Lakers pick being a Top-2 pick next summer. Looking back, the Celtics “only” got two top-five picks from the Brooklyn trade. Imagine if they’d gotten none because of changes to the Draft Lottery?

Starting in 2019, when the Celtics no longer have top, unprotected, golden lottery picks, the rules change. Perfect. If this shit happened four years ago those Nets picks are DRASTICALLY less valuable and maybe Billy King still has a job.

Long story short, having the worst record in the league is no longer a one way ticket to a top pick. Things are a lot murkier now.

“The three teams with the worst records will share a 14 percent chance of getting the No. 1 overall pick, a change from the descending percentages of 25, 19.9, and 15.6 in the current system.”

So while it was always a nail biter for the team with the worst record because you still only had a 1/4 chance of getting the No. 1 pick; now thats down to a 14 percent chance for 3 teams. In theory that should deter a team from saying fuck it and just tanking down the stretch if the bottom three teams all have the same chance of getting the No. 1 pick. Teams will still tank to get down to the bottom 3, but I guess its a step in the right direction if the NBA truly wants to eradicate tanking (good luck).

“Four teams — increased from three — will become part of the lottery draw, which means the No. 1 lottery seed could drop no further than fifth, No. 2 could drop no further than sixth, No. 3 no further than seventh, and No. 4 no further than eighth.”

Imagine having the worst record and somehow dropping to the No. 5 overall pick? If I’m a fan of that team I’m drinking a bottle of whiskey on Draft Lottery night.

Gotta love the NBA though, they’re always pivoting, always changing shit. Remember back in 2006 when they tried to introduce a new basketball and reversed course like 2 weeks later?

Well virtually every player in the NBA bitched about the new ball. Why change the only piece of equipment that actually matters? Who the hell knows. But hey they tried it. It bombed. And rather than just forcing it down everyones throats because it was the league’s decision they said yup you’re right, fixed it, and moved on. Thats what keeps leagues relevant, adapting to the times, trying new things, and if it doesn’t working cutting your losses and moving along. Not burying your head in the sand (NFL vs CTE) or staunchly opposing evolution (MLB vs everything).

So good luck to all the Lottery teams in 2019, I’m just glad the Celtics will have no part of it because I can’t handle that kind of stress in my life.

Friday Morning Randomness

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A quick shoutout to one of my favorite cult comedies of all-time; Waiting. Back when Ryan Reynolds was crushing bit roles before blowing up as Deadpool. This movie was so great for anyone that worked a jerk off job in high school and college. Whether as a waiter, bar back or folding sweaters at the Gap, we can all relate to that part-time job where you truly just do not give a shit.

Lets Gamble! NFL Week 4

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Week 3 was a rollercoaster with a lot of upsets that I did not see coming (I’m looking at you Denver), but Week 4 is a new day. As always, all of our betting lines are courtesy of the Westgate Las Vegas SuperBook so blame them if the numbers change. Its that time once again to start playing fast and loose with our paychecks. Its Week 4 in the NFL, LETS GO.

Overall Record (14-16)
Last week (6-9)

Thursday, Sept. 28
Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-7, 45.5)
The Bears just keep making me look bad, but I refuse to put my hard earned dollars on Mike Glennon. And I need to see back to back solid games out of Jordan Howard before I trust him. Usually the tired rhetoric about Thursday Night Football is its sloppy, the passing is out of sync and teams lean on their running game. Welp, the Rams and Niners blew that one up last week. So I’m taking the Packers to cover here.

Sunday, Oct. 1
9:30 a.m. ET (at London)
New Orleans Saints (-3, 49.5) vs. Miami Dolphins
I gotta go Saints here. I know they’ve been up and down, but I don’t know if Smokin Jay Cutler and the Dolphins have enough offensive firepower to keep up with the saints. Saints will cover.

1 p.m. ET
Carolina Panthers at New England Patriots (-9, 48.5)
Another big spread for the Pats at (-9) which is a tricky one because the Panthers have been pretty shaky so far this year, but similar to last week against Deshaun Watson, the Pats have historically struggled against mobile QBs. I think its gonna be a game the Pats pull away, but Panthers make it respectable. I got Patriots by 10 to cover.

Los Angeles Rams at Dallas Cowboys (-7.5, 46)
Rams looked great last week putting up 41 points buttt that was on San Francisco. Cowboys gotta win by more than a TD here, whereas the Rams haven’t lost by more than 7 yet this season and have put up 40+ points twice already. But again the competition has been pretty mediocre (Indy, Washington, San Fran) so I’m picking the Cowboys to keep rolling and cover.

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (no line)
Does Westgate have something against the Vikings? There’s no line for them for the second week in a row.

Tennessee Titans (-1.5, 44) at Houston Texans
Texans could go one of two ways in this game. Defeated and beat down after dropping a game they probably should have won to the Patriots last week or they’ll come firing out of the gates for sticking with the best team in football for 58 minutes last week. I think Deshaun Watson found his groove last week so I’m taking the Texans to cover here.

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3.5, 39.5) at New York Jets
Bet on this game at your own risk. Jags cruised to victory last week, but they’re more of a running team these days and the Jets have a solid D-line if nothing else. Jets surprised me last week with a W over the Dolphins, but I think Fournette and the gang are too much for the Jets here. Jags cover.

Cincinnati Bengals (-3, 40) at Cleveland Browns
Another game I cringe to even put money on, but hey thats what leaders do, they take the ball and they bring their team down the field. Bengals shit the bed last week, but Cleveland cannot be trusted. Bengals cover.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-3, 43.5) at Baltimore Ravens
Ravens had an absolutely embarrassing game last week so they should bounce back. Problem is though, so did the Steelers. After losing in OT to the goddamn Bears, I expect Big Ben and co. to smash the Ravens. Steelers cover.

Buffalo Bills at Atlanta Falcons (-8, 48.5)
Bills are sneaky tied for 1st place in the AFC East and look a lot better than most people thought they would before the season. I think the Bills keep it within a score and cover.

4 p.m. ET
New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3, 44)
This year’s Hard Knocks darlings have yet to beat anyone great yet as their first game got postponed, then they beat the Bears, and then got smoked by the Vikings last week. ODB looks healthy once again, but the Giants are 0-3 and could be reeling so I’m going with the Bucs to cover.

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Chargers (-1, 47)
Despite being 0-3, the Chargers have had some bad breaks and could easily be 2-1 so I think they’re due, plus it likely will take the Eagles a little while to figure out how to best replace Darren Sproles with Smallwood and others. Chargers are due, I’m picking them to cover.

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-7, 44.5)
The Niners got blown out in their opener, but then nearly beat Seattle in Week 2, which looking back now seems to have more to do with the Seahawks offensive line than anything. Then they kept it close before losing to the Rams last week. Arizona looks to rebound after an L in Dallas in which Larry Fitzgerald looked 10 years younger. Their running game is still a disaster without David Johnson, but wth Fitz and Jaron Brown stepping up in the receiving core I’m picking the Cardinals to cover.

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos (-2.5, 46.5)
This is a heavyweight matchup of AFC playoff teams and the Broncos are favored by a FG. Both teams had disappointing losses last week so everyone’s looking to get back on track. Oakland has been leaning on Marshawn Lynch here early and Denver is one of the worst teams to try and run on so I’m going with the Broncos to cover here.

8:30 p.m. ET
Indianapolis Colts at Seattle Seahawks (-13, 41.5)
God the Colts suck, but a two TD spread is huge for a team thats been struggling offensively. As much as I want to pick the Colts, Russell Wilson looked great last week and if the Seahawks can get him out of the pocket he’ll shred the Colts D. So while I usually hate picking the favorite in huge spreads like this, Dangeruss is looking good, and the Seahawks are at home where they are loud as shit. I’ll take Seattle to cover.

Monday, Oct. 2
Washington Redskins at Kansas City Chiefs (-7, 49.5)
I’m going to continue to roll with the Chiefs who have looked awesome so far this year. Kareem Hunt is scary good and the R-words have yet to really find a groove as guys like Terrell Pryor continue to underwhelm. I got the Chiefs covering here.