Tag: Football

Jets Are Now 1,000-1 Odds to Win the Super Bowl; the Worst Odds Ever

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1,000-1. Those are the Jets odds of winning the Super Bowl. The same odds as the Warriors NOT making the playoffs. Insane. Just for comparisons sake, the Patriots odds to win the Super Bowl are currently 11/4. Just slightly better.

I guess if you’re a Jets fan, the one saving grace is that this year they are intentionally bad. Sure if they had really tried they still wouldn’t have been great, but by getting rid of Brandon Marshall, Eric Decker, Sheldon Richardson and other players they have basically punted on the season. And as painful as this season will be for those dummies in green, its a smart play long term. Especially with a pretty solid looking crop of top QB prospects this year. UCLA’s Josh Rosen looked like a goddamn stud this weekend.

But it is the Jets, so odds are they luck into like 3-4 wins and lose out on a franchise QB. It really is amazing to have witnessed three peaks and valleys in the Jets franchise all while the Patriots have remained consistently dominant the entire time. Think about it. We’ve witnessed the rise (and fall) of Eric Mangini, the Rex Ryan era featuring the roughly 3 year reign of Bart Scott and the mouthy assholes, and most recently the moderately successful 1-year reign of Todd Bowles and Ryan Fitzpatrick before falling back to earth and saying screw it lets be REALLY bad.

All sandwiched between a mere 5 Patriots Super Bowl victories. What a goddamn shadow over the New York Jets of New Jersey.

CFL Team Hires and Fires Dirtbag Ex-Baylor Coach Art Briles in Less Than 24 Hours

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SB Nation – “On Monday morning, the CFL’s Hamilton Tiger-Cats announced the hiring of former Houston and Baylor head coach Art Briles, who was fired in May 2016 amid the Bears’ program-wide sexual assault scandal, as an offensive assistant. But Briles won’t join Hamilton after all, according to the league. Its statement on Monday night: “Art Briles will no longer be joining the Hamilton Tiger-Cats as a coach. We came to this decision this evening following a lengthy discussion between the league and the Hamilton organization. We wish Mr. Briles all the best in his future endeavours.”

I gotta say, I was more than a little surprised when I saw that ex-Baylor coach Art Briles had gotten hired by a CFL team as their offensive coordinator. Granted its the CFL, but this guy wouldn’t be able to get a job managing a Denny’s, let alone another football team.

For anyone that forgets all the details of the Art Briles era at Baylor, here are the sparknotes: this guy basically emboldened scumbags up and down the Baylor roster and intimidated college women from coming forward about sexual assault at the hands of his players. Baylor had one arrest after the other, most of which were for violent crimes. There were legitimate gang rape allegations against Briles team. Sports Illustrated had the below breakdown of utter scumbag entitlement Briles promoted while at Baylor.

“The details of what happened at Baylor under Briles are sickening. At least 52 acts of rape committed by 31 different players between 2011 and ’14, including five gang rapes, according to a lawsuit filed earlier this year by a former Baylor student. Multiple instances of Briles and his staff either ignoring or covering up reports of assault and interfering with police investigations. Players not disciplined while victims were encouraged to keep quiet or leave the university. A blind eye toward accepting players with a history of violence toward women.”

So how the fuck anyone would let this guy oversee even the equipment room for a football team is beyond me.

Well, its apparently beyond the Hamilton Tiger-Cats as well who figured 15 months was enough time passed for a Briles hiring to not be controversial. They guessed wrong. The internet had a field day with this once it caught wind of the hiring. Not even 24 hours later the CFL team came out and said just kidding we’re not going to hire Art Briles.

Art Briles’ new coaching job?

 

Edelman Out, but the Work Goes on for the Patriots

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As was suspected Friday night when Julian Edelman left the Patriots’ third preseason game with an injury, Edelman tore his ACL and will miss the entire 2017 season.

A lot of fans on social media were quick to decry the NFL preseason but the truth is that this injury could have happened at any time. Tom Brady didn’t play at all in the 2008 preseason and suffered a season-ending injury in Week 1 of the regular season. Wes Welker tore his left ACL and MCL in Week 17 in 2009. Rob Gronkowski has suffered a wide range of injuries during his seven year career, including a broken arm while playing on field goal protection (!) against the Colts in Week 11 in 2012.

Time and again, the Patriots have shown the ability to adapt and not only survive, but excel. The Patriots won the Super Bowl last season despite not having Gronkowski for the last five games of the regular season or the playoffs. They won the Super Bowl in 2003 after cutting Lawyer Milloy four days before the start of the regular season. And they won 11 games in 2008 without Brady, becoming the first 11-win team to miss the playoffs in more than two decades.

This season will be no different. It’s always disappointing to see a star player go down, but Bill Belichick never lets emotions affect his team’s play. The Patriots still have a very talented wide receiver corps that includes Brandin Cooks, Chris Hogan and Danny Amendola. Future hall of famer Rob Gronkowski is apparently healthy and ready to go, and the Patriots should still be able to cobble together a pretty good running game (to the chagrin of fantasy football players). With the AFC East still consisting of the Jets, Bills and Dolphins, it’s hard to bet against this team making it back to at least the AFC Championship game in January.

If you’re still down about Edelman, though, rest assured. He will be back, and it will be a hell of story in the updated afterword to his memoir in a few years.

Tom Brady Says Playing at 40 is Easier Than Ever. Because He’s a Robot

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Boston.com – The Patriots quarterback insists that he is “never sore,” despite fending off hits from the defense and sometimes even blocking pads to the face from head coach Bill Belichick. “I could practice every day,” he said. “I could practice twice a day if they’d let us do that, but that’s not the way it goes anymore. It’s just fun being out here competing.”Brady’s recovery regimen, which includes his line of Under Armour sleepwear, will be one of the featured topics in his upcoming book, The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance. 

A friend of mine said to me last night over a couple of exclusive craft beers known as Rolling Rocks about Tom Brady that “He is fully going to get busted for PEDs” and a cold shiver went down my spine as I laughed it off.

I mean I want to believe that a Plant Based Diet Presented by TB12 is the one true reason for Tom Brady’s success, but who the hell knows. Maybe its the food, maybe its the avocado ice cream, or the concussion water, the plyometrics work or the TB12 space pajamas. Its probably some combination of all the wacky shit Brady does to keep his body in optimal condition. Or maybe, maybe its something really cool that I don’t even know about.

That or he’s just a legitimate android sent back in time to wreak havoc on the NFL for reasons we cannot yet understand.

Either way, I for one welcome our new robotic overlords and will enjoy the shit out of this guy who should be in an over 40 beer league who somehow continues to play at an MVP level and dominate a league filled with guys half his age.

You’re goddamn right I squeezed a Simpsons reference in there somehow. Gotta keep grinding every day.

The Patriots Literally Had to Redesign Their Stadium to Fit All Their Super Bowl Banners

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With the Patriots season just a couple of weeks away, so too is the Super Bowl Champions banner unveiling. Only problem is, theres no more room at Gillette for any more banners. This is such a amazingly arrogant problem to have I love it. “So when we built this stadium we didn’t anticipate having nearly half a dozen Super Bowl banners just 15 years later.” If you remember the layout of the 4x Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots banners it looked like this.

Needless to say a very arousing photograph with a whole bunch of Super Bowl Champions banners. But alas, there is no room for the newly minted 5th SB Champs banner. And I would rather burn the place down then put it where that ill advised 16-0 banner used to sit.

So how do you solve the best problem to have in the NFL? You literally redesign the entire goddamn thing to MAKE room for the 5th banner (as well as a couple more).

I thank the good lord every day he made me a Patriots fan. See you guys in Minneapolis.

Belichick Refuses to Mention the Jets by Name. Shoe-in for Hater of the Year.

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Yahoo – Belichick and the Patriots are practicing with the Texans this week and the Patriots coach was asked about his long relationship with Texans assistant head coach Romeo Crennel during the press conference. “Well, Romeo and I started together at the Giants in special teams, so he and I coached special teams together and then we coached defensively together through 1990,” Belichick said in comments distributed by the team. “We worked at the Patriots together, then another team, and then back with the Patriots in 2001. I’ve relied on him through the years, both with our team when I worked with him, but even at times outside when we could help each other and it wasn’t a conflict in competitiveness.”

How can you not love a man with this much hate in his heart? A guy thats won FIVE Super Bowls while his former employer has literally become the worst team in the league.

Doesn’t matter. If you’ve got hate in your heart, let it out. Bill still feels like the Jets mistreated him one way or another so whats a bigger fuck you than not even mentioning your name? Its like when people ask about an old ex-girlfriend from college and you just pretend like you can’t even remember her name. Ultimate disrespect.

Even if you think Bill should be over the whole Parcells/Jets situation, you can’t argue that Mangini and the Jets fucked him pretty good in 2007 by creating the whole Spygate scandal. That shit will never die for Belichick.

Some people may call that petty. I call that an insatiable, burning desire to crush your enemies. Thats the kind of general I want to follow into battle.

Falcons Coach Dan Quinn Channeling Michael Scott With His New Weird Clock

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Even a broken clock is right twice a day, right Dan Quinn? I think Dan Quinn is a good coach, but I think he may be bringing over a little too much of the zany Pete Carroll stuff. This weird The Time is Now clock sounds like a Michael Scott motivational poster.

We always hear about how professional athletes are grown ass men that don’t need extra motivation and sometimes even tune out a coach who is too rah rah. Well, bootleg Nike slogans on a clock are probably right up there. And this all comes after his Embrace the Suck after their Super Bowl loss to the Patriots and then of course Matt Ryan cucking himself with that Gatorade commercial getting stomped in said Super Bowl.

But who knows, maybe his players enjoy this stuff. Maybe I’m a jaded robot after 16+ years with emotionless Bill Belichick and the Patriot Way and Do Your Job. Hey if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. And while I thoroughly enjoy watching loud, bombastic coaches on the sidelines, after 5 Super Bowl titles I’ll take the stoic hoodie over Pete Carroll dabbing on the sidelines any day of the week.

An Ode To The GOAT On His 40th Birthday

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I’ll admit it: I was a Bledsoe guy. Drafted 1st overall in 1993, as I became a conscious human being, the rocket-armed Washingtonian was the prototype of a QB1 and the guy I was sure would lead us to a Super Bowl Championship, getting us to the big dance once in 1996.

So, needless to say, when Mo Lewis, contracted by the football gods, landed the shot heard ’round the universe in 2001 and caused a near-death (seriously) Bledsoe to hand the reigns over to a young back up out of Michigan, I was none too pleased. More specifically I figured we were fucked. My guy was out and our season was over.

Well I was wrong. I’ll take that one. That’s on me. That backup, chosen in the sixth round the year before Bledsoe went down, was Tom Brady, and all he has done is rack up 5 Super Bowls, 4 Super Bowl MVPs, 12 Pro Bowl appearances, 2 MVPs, and 2 Offensive Player Of The Year Awards. He now also is both the winningest QB overall and winningest QB for a single team (208 wins). This is further astounding when factoring in the bust of a 2002 season when Brady was getting used to life as an official starting QB and that his 2008 season was ended half a quarter in. Oh and a quick side note: Did I mention he’s handsome as fuck and married to a kajillionaire Brazilian super model who seems like she’s a down ass PIC as well?

Now reread all the accomplishments I listed above, personal and professional. Take a glimpse into the California-sized chip taken out of #12’s shoulder in April 2000 and you’ll see a list of accolades and achievements that transcends modern football’s standards for longevity and consistency, especially when you consider those MVPs, etc. would probably be double in number if the media that voted on them didn’t quietly hate Brady for ruining their “Peyton Manning: America’s Golden Boy” narrative they had pre-written 20 years worth of stories for in 1998.

Reread all that Tom Brady has done, all that he has earned through skill and grit, patience and perseverance, and then think of this: He did all that before he turned 40. Every last thing listed above happened before Brady reached his 5th decade. That changes today. Today, he turns 40 – coming off his fifth Super Bowl win but seemingly as competitive and driven to win as ever. He has a restocked arsenal with which to work, as Brandin Cooks, Mike Gillislee, and Dwayne Allen have been added to his toolbox. He works with a guru of sorts with whom he monitors every last work out down to the smallest of motions and every last meal down to the tiniest of morsels. Make no mistake about it, Tom Brady isn’t still here to just win, or even to be considered the GOAT, a title which, although earned, he has stated he is uncomfortable with. No, He is still coming for complete and total domination. He wants no corners of the map unconquered and no prisoners taken. He wants it all.

So Happy 40th Birthday to Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, the guy who replaced my guy, the 7th QB taken in 2000, destined to ride pine while Bledsoe played for another 5 years, at least.. For 16 years we’ve watched you prove you belong, then that you are great, then excellent. The only gift we can give now is to end the ever-changing perceptions of what we are observing and simply state – you are the Greatest of All Time.

 

Now can someone give him a fucking high-5.

 

 

Jonathan Stewart Just Won NFL Training Camp With His Oregon Ducks Themed Audi

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As an Oregon Ducks fan (This is on you, Boston College) Jonathan Stewart’s newest car legit has me sweaty and short of breath. And not in the fat guy climbing stairs kind of way. That car is so money. And I love that J-Stew went for the even uglier Oregon color scheme and design of his heyday rather than the more recent neon and chrome color scheme.

Its even got the absurd attention to detail that Phil Knight’s favorite school is so fond of like the duck wings on the goddamn mirrors.

Impeccable. The little yellow touch with DUCKS on the door handles is phenomenal as well.

Now hopefully Stewart can get another one of these for the Ducks to illegally bribe a 5-star QB recruit with because Oregon has been absolutely awful under center since Mariota left school to turn pro. Vernon Adams, who plays in the CFL now, was the best they’ve had but he was a short term solution for a team that suddenly finds itself back in the dark, pre-Mariota days without any known commodity heading into 2017. Look good, feel good, play good. Ducks are halfway there.

The Broncos Stadium Still Doesn’t Have A Name, Let’s Take A Crack At It

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Broncos still haven’t re-sold stadium naming rights

So the Sports Authority, much like Blockbuster and countless other brick and mortar stores before, went out of business fairly recently due to it being completely obsolete. This is an issue for the Denver Broncos as Sports Authority had the naming rights to the Broncos stadium, which they now obviously can’t pay, thus rendering the stadium nameless. Now Denver has a large chunk of lost revenue they are sitting on as they still haven’t inked a new deal with another entity to name the stadium after. Let’s give them a hand!

1.) Alphabet Field

Soon enough Google and it’s parent company are going to run the world via a search engine-centric version of the Hunger Games universe so why not just stop resisting now? Anyone coming in or out can be scanned for everything they like and dislike, can be implanted with a GPS tracking chip (anyone with a mustache can’t get a home loan anywhere near a school, that sort of idea), and maybe the folks in Silicon Valley can even pick mates for us “The Giver” style. It’s called fucking evolution people. (Elon Musk is going to be super mad he didn’t think of this).

2.) Backpage.com Stadium

I’m actually a pretty big proponent of legalizing prostitution. It’s simple really. If people got laid more they’d be less angry and less apt to do some of the more crazy, irrational shit we see on the news ever day. To that end lets make it easier for those who have trouble finding a partner for the horizontal tango by allowing them to rent one. Backpage, completely off the official record mind you, seems to be the go to place to find a hooker these days so let’s take the first step and name a stadium after it, get the word out there. C’mon Denver, you’re a progressive city.

3.) Pot Field

Ya I mean I really don’t have a joke here. Nothing clever. They’ve all been made. Colorado just loves weed.

4.) Vegan-Crossfit Stadium

This is the best of the bunch in my opinion, maybe the best idea I’ve ever had, period. Slap this name on the stadium. Offer tofu burgers and kale and shit to eat and dead-lift stations instead of VIP clubs and bars. Then when all of those obnoxious fucking people who don’t shut the fuck up about biologically flawed lifestyle choices enter the stadium and sit down for the game, we lock the fucking doors. Forever. Don’t starve them, don’t torture them. Feed them. Allow them to be. Allow them to thrive. Just nowhere near mainstream society.

So that’s it. Four ideas of what to name the Broncos stadium. Get this to John Elway.