Tag: NFL

If Your Name’s Not Colin Kaepernick Then the Media is Not Happy With You Working Out for the Titans

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So Marcus Mariota went down last week and the Titans need to sign another QB as an emergency option. Someone that the team hopes will, ya know, not play. It came out that the Titans worked out four guys – Brandon Weeden, Matt Barkley, Matt McGloin, and TJ “The Yates of Hell” Yates.

Notice that list does not include lightning rod and fellow unemployed quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Well the media is NOT having it. Just roasting guys left and right

First we got old man Brandon Weeden getting smoked by Rotoworld.

Brandon Weeden is 33. Guy was probably grabbing his morning paper when he got hit with this. Ruthless. To be fair though, he was the oldest player EVER drafted in the first round at 28 years old.

If you’re a QB looking for work and your name is not Colin Kaepernick, then the media has no use for you.

Then you got ESPN’s Louis Riddick just flying off the top rope on an unsuspecting Matt Barkley.

Guy’s just for going on a job interview and Louis murdered him in cold blood. Names not Colin? Meet the people’s elbow.

Lets Gamble! NFL Week 4

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Week 3 was a rollercoaster with a lot of upsets that I did not see coming (I’m looking at you Denver), but Week 4 is a new day. As always, all of our betting lines are courtesy of the Westgate Las Vegas SuperBook so blame them if the numbers change. Its that time once again to start playing fast and loose with our paychecks. Its Week 4 in the NFL, LETS GO.

Overall Record (14-16)
Last week (6-9)

Thursday, Sept. 28
Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-7, 45.5)
The Bears just keep making me look bad, but I refuse to put my hard earned dollars on Mike Glennon. And I need to see back to back solid games out of Jordan Howard before I trust him. Usually the tired rhetoric about Thursday Night Football is its sloppy, the passing is out of sync and teams lean on their running game. Welp, the Rams and Niners blew that one up last week. So I’m taking the Packers to cover here.

Sunday, Oct. 1
9:30 a.m. ET (at London)
New Orleans Saints (-3, 49.5) vs. Miami Dolphins
I gotta go Saints here. I know they’ve been up and down, but I don’t know if Smokin Jay Cutler and the Dolphins have enough offensive firepower to keep up with the saints. Saints will cover.

1 p.m. ET
Carolina Panthers at New England Patriots (-9, 48.5)
Another big spread for the Pats at (-9) which is a tricky one because the Panthers have been pretty shaky so far this year, but similar to last week against Deshaun Watson, the Pats have historically struggled against mobile QBs. I think its gonna be a game the Pats pull away, but Panthers make it respectable. I got Patriots by 10 to cover.

Los Angeles Rams at Dallas Cowboys (-7.5, 46)
Rams looked great last week putting up 41 points buttt that was on San Francisco. Cowboys gotta win by more than a TD here, whereas the Rams haven’t lost by more than 7 yet this season and have put up 40+ points twice already. But again the competition has been pretty mediocre (Indy, Washington, San Fran) so I’m picking the Cowboys to keep rolling and cover.

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (no line)
Does Westgate have something against the Vikings? There’s no line for them for the second week in a row.

Tennessee Titans (-1.5, 44) at Houston Texans
Texans could go one of two ways in this game. Defeated and beat down after dropping a game they probably should have won to the Patriots last week or they’ll come firing out of the gates for sticking with the best team in football for 58 minutes last week. I think Deshaun Watson found his groove last week so I’m taking the Texans to cover here.

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3.5, 39.5) at New York Jets
Bet on this game at your own risk. Jags cruised to victory last week, but they’re more of a running team these days and the Jets have a solid D-line if nothing else. Jets surprised me last week with a W over the Dolphins, but I think Fournette and the gang are too much for the Jets here. Jags cover.

Cincinnati Bengals (-3, 40) at Cleveland Browns
Another game I cringe to even put money on, but hey thats what leaders do, they take the ball and they bring their team down the field. Bengals shit the bed last week, but Cleveland cannot be trusted. Bengals cover.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-3, 43.5) at Baltimore Ravens
Ravens had an absolutely embarrassing game last week so they should bounce back. Problem is though, so did the Steelers. After losing in OT to the goddamn Bears, I expect Big Ben and co. to smash the Ravens. Steelers cover.

Buffalo Bills at Atlanta Falcons (-8, 48.5)
Bills are sneaky tied for 1st place in the AFC East and look a lot better than most people thought they would before the season. I think the Bills keep it within a score and cover.

4 p.m. ET
New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3, 44)
This year’s Hard Knocks darlings have yet to beat anyone great yet as their first game got postponed, then they beat the Bears, and then got smoked by the Vikings last week. ODB looks healthy once again, but the Giants are 0-3 and could be reeling so I’m going with the Bucs to cover.

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Chargers (-1, 47)
Despite being 0-3, the Chargers have had some bad breaks and could easily be 2-1 so I think they’re due, plus it likely will take the Eagles a little while to figure out how to best replace Darren Sproles with Smallwood and others. Chargers are due, I’m picking them to cover.

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-7, 44.5)
The Niners got blown out in their opener, but then nearly beat Seattle in Week 2, which looking back now seems to have more to do with the Seahawks offensive line than anything. Then they kept it close before losing to the Rams last week. Arizona looks to rebound after an L in Dallas in which Larry Fitzgerald looked 10 years younger. Their running game is still a disaster without David Johnson, but wth Fitz and Jaron Brown stepping up in the receiving core I’m picking the Cardinals to cover.

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos (-2.5, 46.5)
This is a heavyweight matchup of AFC playoff teams and the Broncos are favored by a FG. Both teams had disappointing losses last week so everyone’s looking to get back on track. Oakland has been leaning on Marshawn Lynch here early and Denver is one of the worst teams to try and run on so I’m going with the Broncos to cover here.

8:30 p.m. ET
Indianapolis Colts at Seattle Seahawks (-13, 41.5)
God the Colts suck, but a two TD spread is huge for a team thats been struggling offensively. As much as I want to pick the Colts, Russell Wilson looked great last week and if the Seahawks can get him out of the pocket he’ll shred the Colts D. So while I usually hate picking the favorite in huge spreads like this, Dangeruss is looking good, and the Seahawks are at home where they are loud as shit. I’ll take Seattle to cover.

Monday, Oct. 2
Washington Redskins at Kansas City Chiefs (-7, 49.5)
I’m going to continue to roll with the Chiefs who have looked awesome so far this year. Kareem Hunt is scary good and the R-words have yet to really find a groove as guys like Terrell Pryor continue to underwhelm. I got the Chiefs covering here.

Picking Up the Pieces: Gambling NFL Week 3

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Overall Record (14-16)
Last week (8-7)
This week (6-9)

Whats that saying? Fall down 9 times, get up 10? Yea, well sometimes that applies to gambling, especially when you get your dick ripped out on the first game of the week on a backdoor cover. Rebounded nicely from our 0-5 start to finish the week at 6-9. Can’t win em all.

Thursday, Sept. 21
Los Angeles Rams (-2.5, 40) at San Francisco 49ers

Bad beat of the year. I wrote a blog entirely about how badly screwed anyone who took the Rams got on this one.
Our pick: Rams to cover the (-2.5) spread…they won by 2. So thats an L. (0-1)

Sunday, Sept. 24
Baltimore Ravens (-4, 39) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

What an absolute abortion this game was. Those poor London fans, even when Jacksonville is good they get a shit game. Jags put the smackdown on Flacco and the Ravens, winning 44-7. Yuck.
Our pick: Ravens to cover. Thats an L. (0-2)

Denver Broncos (-3, 40.5) at Buffalo Bills

This is shaping up to be a disaster for gamblers everywhere. Did not see the Broncos folding like they did in this one, especially after how well Trevor Siemian had played the first two games. Bills are now tied for first place in the AFC East.
Our pick: Broncos to cover. Thats an L. (0-3)

New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers (-6, 48)

Wrong again dickhead. Despite a 100+ yard receiving game from Christian McCaffrey, the Panthers couldn’t even put two touchdowns up as the Saints cruised to a 34-13 win. Damn.
Our pick: Panthers to cover. Thats an L. (0-4)

Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5, 45.5) at Chicago Bears

THIS WEDDING IS HORSESHIT. If you picked the Bears to beat the Steelers you are lying and I don’t associate with liars. Bears top Pittsburgh in OT behind Jordan Howards 34 points (on my fantasy bench).
Our pick: Steelers to cover. Thats a big L. (0-5)

Atlanta Falcons (-3, 49) at Detroit Lions

Okay if the Rams game was the bad beat of the year, this is the bad beat of the century IF you bet on the Lions. Thankfully I did not because I would have smashed my TV. Lions got a walkoff TD erased by a questionable replay review and per the rules the cluck had a 10-second runoff leaving the Lions with their dick in their hands at the 1 yard line.
Our pick: Falcons to cover. Thats a W! (1-5)

Cleveland Browns (-1.5, 40) at Indianapolis Colts

Here’s what I said last week: “This is the first game the Browns have been favored to win since 2015! So tread lightly here. But I like what I saw out of rookie receiver Rashard Higgins last week (7 catches, 95 yards) and the Colts are still starting the Patriots 3rd-string QB. While it is with great trepidation, I’m taking the Browns to cover. Well guess what? The Browns did not cover. Shocking, I know. And Rashard Higgins did nothing despite being freshly inserted into my fantasy lineup. Colts won 31-28.
Our pick: Browns to cover. Thats an L. (1-6)

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Minnesota Vikings (no line)

Westgate had no line on this game. Soo we didn’t bet it.

Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-13, 43.5)

Patriots won 36-33, but as we predicted last week the (-13) spread was way too heavy for the Pats to cover. Here’s what I said last week: “While I told anyone and everyone to bet their house on the Pats routing the Saints last week, I’m not as confident in predicting a blowout here. The Texans defense is legit, especially upfront. And if you’ve been paying attention over the years, these are the types of teams that usually give the Pats trouble (except for last year when Brissett and co. wrecked them). But Pats also have historically struggled with mobile QBs and Deshaun Watson is that dude. So while I think the Pats win, I’m picking the Texans to cover.”
Our pick: Texans to cover. Thats a W. (2-6)

Miami Dolphins (-6, 41.5) at New York Jets

Basically every shit team won this past week, wrecking my bets across the board. The Jets throttled Smokin Jay Cutler and the Dolphins 20-6. Did not see that one coming.
Our pick: Dolphins to cover. Thats an L. (2-7)

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (-6, 43)

Eagles won on a 61 yard FG as time expired, which was a goddamn BOOT. Eagles won, but only by 3 so they didn’t cover the (-6) point spread. What I said last week was “until ODB proves to me he is 100% I’m not picking the Giants because they’re just not that good without him. Plus Carson Wentz is playing well and Darren Sproles continues to be the most spry 34-year-old running back I’ve ever seen.” ODB looks to be back to his old self as he was scoring TDs and pretending to piss like a dog and I just jinxed Sproles who broke his arm AND tore his ACL on the SAME PLAY. What a disaster of a week.
Our pick: Eagles to cover. Thats an L. (2-8)

Seattle Seahawks at Tennessee Titans (-3, 43)

While the Seahawks seemingly are on the way back to being a solid offense again, the Titans topped them 33-27. I would like to just point out that even though I picked this game correctly, I also benched Russell Wilson on my fantasy team. And of course I lost because Dangeruss had 45 points on my bench. Goddamnit.
Our pick: Titans to cover. Thats a W. (3-8)

Cincinnati Bengals at Green Bay Packers (-9, 44.5)

Nailed this one. Packers won 27-24 “The Bengals are a walking disaster right now. Andy Dalton is having the worst start of his career and Tyler Eifert is back into injury purgatory (is he hurt? is he not?) so Cincy is a tough pick. The Packers don’t look like world beaters either though with Rodgers throwing a ton of shitty passes while under duress last week. Is Green Bay (-9) points better than Cincy? I say no, I think its a closer game than that as both teams are struggling. Bengals cover.”
Our pick: Bengals to cover. Thats a W. (4-8)

 

Kansas City Chiefs (-3, 46) at Los Angeles Chargers

DING DING DING. I may not get em all right, but when I tell you to put big bucks down, you better be listening. “The Chiefs are rolling, put some big bucks down on them to cover this week…I think KC is one of the best bets of the week to cover.”
Our pick: Chiefs to cover. Thats a W. (5-8)

 

Oakland Raiders (-3, 54) at Washington Redskins

Whoops. Raiders ate a bag of dicks in this game and the R-words got back on track as they topped Oakland 27-10. What is happening in the NFL this week?
Our pick: Raiders to cover. Thats an L. (5-9)

Monday, Sept. 25
Dallas Cowboys (-3, 47) at Arizona Cardinals

At least the Cowboys showed up in primetime to take care of business, despite a fantasy no-show from Cole Beasley, complete with hilarious response. Dak, Zeke and Dez all looked great. Money won is always sweeter than money earned.
Our pick: Cowboys cover. Thats a W. (6-9)

I am Officially Boycotting the CFL for Barring Johnny Manziel

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Bleacher Report – The CFL announced Wednesday that it has barred quarterback Johnny Manziel from signing a contract to play in the league during the 2017 season. While Johnny Football won’t be permitted to play north of the border in 2017, the CFL left the door open for him to join the league in 2018 provided he “meets certain conditions.” Manziel is on the Hamilton Tiger-Cats’ negotiation list, and the CFL announced earlier this month it had extended the team’s 10-day window to sign him so the league could independently evaluate him, per ESPN.com’s Kevin Seifert.By pushing the window back again to Nov. 30, Hamilton will have a chance to negotiate a contract with Manziel for 2018 following the conclusion of the 2017 campaign.

This is some straight up BULLSHIT. The CFL basically told Johnny sorry, try again next year, all while imposing a double secret probation.

No, seriously, they did that.

“Mr. Manziel will be eligible to sign a contract for the 2018 season and, if Mr. Manziel meets certain conditions that have been spelled out by the Commissioner, the CFL will register that contract. The specifics of those conditions are confidential and will not be disclosed.”

I bet even Josh Gordon read that and said, wow Johnny you’re really getting fucked here. So it is with much sadness that I must boycott the Canadian Football League until my boy Johnny Manziel is given the opportunity to tear up that goofy ass extra wide field with uprights in the endzone. #FreeJohnnyFootball

 

Cowboys Receiver Cole Beasley Just Ethered Some Fantasy Football Nerd

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You come at the king, you best not miss. Cole Beasley just put this fantasy football owner in a goddamn body bag.

You just heard two sounds. One was Cole hitting Enter on his keyboard, the other was this kid hitting the ground. You have to love the utterly absurd phrase of “Don’t mother fuck me bro.” I’m gonna have to start working that into conversations from now on. If you’re gonna shit talk Cole Beasley about his fantasy football production then be prepared to face the repercussions.

Don’t worry Cole, I got you.

Patriots Charged Fans $5 for Cups of Tap Water After They Ran Out of Bottles

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ESPN – A New England Patriots spokesperson apologized Monday, a day after the team charged fans at least $4.50 for tap water at Gillette Stadium. With the temperature hitting an unseasonably high 86 degrees in Foxborough, Massachusetts, the team doubled its inventory of water bottles for Sunday’s game, the Boston Globe reported. That was almost four times the inventory for an average game. The problem was that each concession stand could hold only so many bottles. When the on-hand supply ran dry, fans started asking for cups of tap water — and, according to numerous tweets, were charged $4.50 or $5 per soda cup.

What a bunch of cocksuckers. If you run out of bottled water thats not my problem, go run to Tedeschi’s. That does not give you an excuse to charge people $5 for a cup of unfiltered toilet water. Unless that crisp Abraham Lincoln I just gave you comes with a free Budweiser, then I should not be held liable for flipping over the whole goddamn snack stand.

God forbid some elderly lady croaked in the 90 degree heat because she didn’t have $5 on her. I better be getting a souvenir cup and a coupon for a free fucking bottle of water if you’re trying to charge me for Foxborough sink agua.

Pour One Out for Short Guy Hall of Famer Darren Sproles Who is Out for the Season

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ESPN – Philadelphia Eagles running back Darren Sproles tore an ACL and broke an arm on the same play Sunday, sources told ESPN’s Chris Mortensen and Adam Schefter. Sproles is having surgery on his arm Monday and will require surgery on his knee, sources said. His season is over.

After an “awkard plant and hit” Darren Sproles broke his arm and tore his ACL on the same play yesterday, ending the 34-year-old runningback’s season and potentially his career. Listed at 5’6″ and 190 pounds, Sproles was an absolute monster and has been a go to guy since 2008 when he was with the team formerly known as San Diego. Then he was paired up in the same backfield as Reggie Bush with New Orleans for 3 years where he scored 21 TDs (+1 on a punt return). Then in Philly for the last 3+ seasons where he scored 14 more TDs before going down this Sunday.

For his career Sproles has 532 receptions for 4,600+ yards and 30 TDs with 3,300+ rushing yards and 22 rushing TDs plus another 9 TDs on returns. If you had to design a passing down back this is your guy.

If it is the end (rumors were he had planned to retire after this season) then its been a hell of a career and someone the rest of us short guys LOVED to watch play. He’ll go down in the Short Guy Hall of Fame with the likes of Muggsy Bogues, Doug Flutie, Isaiah Thomas, and Dustin Pedroia.

After Odell Beckham’s “Dog Taking a Leak” This Adam Carolla Classic Celebration Can’t Be Far Behind

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The NFL softened its stance on touchdown celebrations this season after years of being dubbed the No Fun League. Most of them are just fun dances (or punting the ball into the stands if you’re Stefon Diggs), but Odell Beckham is not like most cats. No, rather than salsa dance, backflip, or fake moon the crowd

ODB decided to get on all fours, crawl around, and pretend to piss like a dog?

Weird move, but I feel like free speech has been a particularly hot topic the past few days, so do your thing ODB. I guess. The NY Post missed a huge opportunity though to print the single greatest headline ever: GIANTS PISS AWAY GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY IN LOSS. But I digress.

After seeing the dog taking a leak TD dance, it reminded me of an old classic from The Man Show. Adam Carolla’s trademark celebration of reading the newspaper while taking a dump. After seeing ODB, this one cannot be far behind:

This is Why You Don’t Gamble Kids

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Last night was the most entertaining Thursday Night Football game I can ever remember watching. Now obviously these go back to like 2006, but that was a great game that I did not expect. First off, fire flames Color Rush jerseys by the Rams.

Props to them for actually wearing an absurdly loud uniform like the Bills and Jets original Color Rush jerseys before all the blindos complained.

BUT, if you had money on the Rams then you were well within your rights to smash everything in the house. The Rams were a (-2.5) point favorite, meaning they had to win by at least 3 to cover, which we said they would in our Week 3 picks.

So, after a Sammy Watkins’ TD catch midway through the 4th quarter the Rams go up by 15 with a little under 9 minutes left in the game. At that point I’m feeling pretty good about my pick.

That tweet was where it all started to unravel. After the Watkins TD the two sides exchanged punts and then the 49ers get the ball back with a little over 6 minutes left. From there on out it was Brian Hoyer time. Dude completes a 59 yard BOMB to Pierre Garcon in stride.

Now I’m getting a little nervous.

Hoyer promptly throws for another TD, the kick is good, and now the Niners are down 8 with a little over 5 mins to go.

OK, Todd Gurley time to run out the clock. Grind time baby. Oh wait nevermind, the Rams fucking FUMBLE the ball on the kickoff return. Niners ball. On a short field the Niners take 8 plays for Carlos Hyde to punch it in for a 1-yard TD with 2:17 left in the game.

The 49ers are now down 2 before they elect to go for the 2-point conversion. At this point I am PRAYING that they convert so the Rams will actually have a reason to move the ball and score again. Nope, of course Brian Hoyer throws a goddamn pick and they don’t convert the 2-point attempt. Shit.

The 49ers onside kick it and the ball perfectly bounces off a guys head before the Niners RECOVER IT! We’re back in business baby! If the Niners score then the Rams have to go all out. Lets see what you got Hoyer.

Two incompletions. Offensive holding penalty. Incompletion. Sacked on 4th down. Game over. Rams win by 2 points.

Lets Gamble! NFL Week 3

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As always, all of our betting lines are courtesy of Westgate so blame them if the numbers change. Its that time once again to start playing fast and loose with our paychecks. Its Week 3 in the NFL, LETS GO.

Overall Record (8-7)
Last week (8-7)

Thursday, Sept. 21
Los Angeles Rams (-2.5, 40) at San Francisco 49ers

Bet this one at your own risk because this has all the makings of an ugly game. But if I HAVE to make a pick, I’m going with the Rams to cover. Goff has looked decent and Cooper Kupp looks like the next young white slot receiver. Its crazy how one goes out (Edelman) and another immediately takes its place, like a goddamn snake.

Sunday, Sept. 24
9:30 a.m. ET (at London)
Baltimore Ravens (-4, 39) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

SUNDAY MORNING FOOTBALL IS BACK! Bloodys and bacon for kickoff. I LOVE London football because it means there are games on from when I wake up until when I go to bed. Sure, its a shitshow for the teams playing, but hey as long as its not my team. Jacksonville looked good Week 1 and then looked like shit in Week 2. I think that trend probably continues, especially so far from home. I’m taking the Ravens to cover here.

1 p.m. ET
Denver Broncos (-3, 40.5) at Buffalo Bills

The Broncos have looked excellent thus far as they shut down the high powered Cowboys and Ezekiel Elliott last week. They also look like they’ve stumbled onto something with Trevor Siemian under center, throwing four TDs last week. And as much as I love Tyrod Taylor, he’s throwing to a bunch of bums and rookies out there when Charles Clay isn’t catching it. Shady McCoy is still a beast, but I think the Broncos take it to the Bills in Buffalo and cover.

New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers (-6, 48)

The Panthers barely got out of Week 2 alive, topping the Bills 9-3, so they’re not exactly firing on all cylinders. The Saints meanwhile are plagued by a swiss cheese defense for what feels like every year since they won the Super Bowl. Cam Newtons been getting banged up, but I think they still have enough to cover over the Saints.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5, 45.5) at Chicago Bears

Bears are a dogshit football team and I cannot advise picking them in any situation outside of them playing the Jets or Browns. Antonio Brown, Leveon Bell, Martavis Bryant? Steelers roll.

Atlanta Falcons (-3, 49) at Detroit Lions

This will be an interesting game to watch. Atlanta got back on track against Green Bay last week and the Lions took it to the Giants on MNF. (-3) isn’t a huge favorite, which is why I’m going with the Falcons to cover. Remember, Detroit beat up on a NYG with a super limited Odell Beckham. Plus they murdered the Giants’ punter too.

Cleveland Browns (-1.5, 40) at Indianapolis Colts

This is the first game the Browns have been favored to win since 2015! So tread lightly here. But I like what I saw out of rookie receiver Rashard Higgins last week (7 catches, 95 yards) and the Colts are still starting the Patriots 3rd-string QB. While it is with great trepidation, I’m taking the Browns to cover.

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Minnesota Vikings (no line)

Westgate had no line on this game. Cool.

Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-13, 43.5)

Jesus christ, another gigantic spread for the Pats to cover. Heavy lies the crown I guess. While I told anyone and everyone to bet their house on the Pats routing the Saints last week, I’m not as confident in predicting a blowout here. The Texans defense is legit, especially upfront. And if you’ve been paying attention over the years, these are the types of teams that usually give the Pats trouble (except for last year when Brissett and co. wrecked them). But Pats also have historically struggled with mobile QBs and Deshaun Watson is that dude. So while I think the Pats win, I’m picking the Texans to cover.

Miami Dolphins (-6, 41.5) at New York Jets

Theres no sugar coating it, the Jets are a brutal team to watch. They put up a decent fight in the first half last week against Oakland before getting stomped out in the second half. But I have very little faith in them week to week. I could see them staying with the Dolphins, but Smokin Jay Cutler looked very efficient last week and Miami’s run game is legit. So I’m picking the Dolphins to cover.

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (-6, 43)

The Giants will continue to be an enigma until Odell Beckham is healthy and right, which who knows when that could be. Like I said last week, until ODB proves to me he is 100% I’m not picking the Giants because they’re just not that good without him. Plus Carson Wentz is playing well and Darren Sproles continues to be the most spry 34-year-old running back I’ve ever seen.

4 p.m. ET
Seattle Seahawks at Tennessee Titans (-3, 43)

The Seahawks offense is rip your hair out frustrating right now as the offensive line is a goddamn sieve. So until that shit improves, Russell looks like Dangeruss again (and saves my fantasy season) and someone takes that RB job (looking at you Chris Carson) then I’m not too confident picking the Hawks. For that reason I’ll go with the Titans and the Duck to cover.

Cincinnati Bengals at Green Bay Packers (-9, 44.5)

The Bengals are a walking disaster right now. Andy Dalton is having the worst start of his career and Tyler Eifert is back into injury purgatory (is he hurt? is he not?) so Cincy is a tough pick. The Packers don’t look like world beaters either though with Rodgers throwing a ton of shitty passes while under duress last week. Is Green Bay (-9) points better than Cincy? I say no, I think its a closer game than that as both teams are struggling. Bengals cover.

Kansas City Chiefs (-3, 46) at Los Angeles Chargers

The Chiefs are rolling, put some big bucks down on them to cover this week. Unless of course the Chargers miss another game winning kick and lose by 2…BUT I think KC is one of the best bets of the week to cover.

8:30 p.m. ET
Oakland Raiders (-3, 54) at Washington Redskins

Taking Oakland all day, especially with how disappointing Kirk Cousins and the R-words have been thus far. Derek Carr and Marshawn will have a day against Washington so I’m picking da Raiders to cover.

Monday, Sept. 25
Dallas Cowboys (-3, 47) at Arizona Cardinals

The Boys are back in prime time and after a beatdown by the Broncos last week look for Zeke, who had a disastrous game against Denver, to get the rock early and often here. Dallas needs that to help keep the pressure of Dak and avoid the dumb INTs. Cowboys cover.