Tag: Philadelphia

Chicago Kicker Cody Parkey May Have Just Killed the Bears Mascot

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Being a kicker must be the absolute worst way to live. Sure, you get paid millions of dollars but you never get any credit unless your name is Adam Vinatieri because you’re supposed to hit your kicks. So it’s a lose lose situation. When you miss a game winning kick you might as well just pack your shit because the entire city now wants your head on a spike. Even the poor mascot couldn’t take it and apparently had a heart attack right on the field.

Nick Foles just continues to snatch souls right out of his opponents as his deal with the devil rolls on.

The 300s 2018 Fantasy Football All Cock Tease Team

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Welcome, welcome to our awards. Before we begin I’m going to briefly kick it to our team on tonight’s red carpet…

Thank Joey! Here we see Founder Red wearing a Lakers jersey with camo cargo shorts. I’m really digging his ironic choice that is clearly a protest to our recent cooperation with North Korea. Back to the studio…

Thanks guys! Now before we proceed I should probably explain what these awards actually are about since nobody fucking knows.

We have all picked a bust or 12 throughout our fantasy football seasons, however most are of either the “reach” or “hard on” variety. A “reach”, as is well known, is a player you pick a bit too high, possibly motivated by the fear of someone else picking him. A “hard on” pick, for lack of a more enlightened term, would refer to players that we just personally really like without a ton evidence as to why and that simply don’t work out.

These awards, however, celebrate the “cock teases” – players who are picked at a good time given their value, normally put up good numbers relative to that selection point, yet completely fuck us. They don’t buy us dinner first either, just bend us over the analogous  10, 12, or 16 team table and fuck us.

So without further ado, as composed by and contributed to by our talented staff, I give you The 300s 2018 All Cock Tease Team:

QB: Jimmy Garoppolo, San Francisco 49ers
Red: I was ready for Jimmy G to rise like a phoenix out of the ashes that was my 2017 fantasy season, but in his third game the most handsome ACL in the league exploded and I was stuck with Matt Stafford at QB the rest of the way.

 

RB1: Jordan Howard, Chicago Bears
Mattes: Now, a lot of people might give me crap for drafting Howard in the second round of a PPR draft. First, I’d like to respond by saying it’s only a half-point league, and, second, the guy also had two-straight 1,200-plus-yard seasons and nine touchdowns last year on a bad team. I – like many – expected the Bears to be much-improved this year (which they certainly are), and I also believed new head coach Matt Nagy when he said he’d finally get Howard more involved in the passing game. Then came along Tarik Cohen, and there were also five games this year in which Howard averaged under 2.6 yards a carry. In fact, Cohen actually ended up finishing over FOURTY spots ahead of Howard in the overall rankings this year. Picked the wrong guy, I guess, huh?

 


RB2: Le’veon Bell, Pittsburgh Steelers
GUEST CONTRIBUTION! Patty Blackouts: I mean what is there to say besides he’s a seflish fuck who passed up 850k a week to sit out and try and protect his body to try and get a long term deal. Took him 4th overall thinking he’d show up sometime around end of September or October and nope just sat out all season sending cryptic tweets so you’d think he was going to report and next ya know he’s playing pickup basketball games at the local Y. I hope no one pays him what he wants and he regrets passing up the 14.5 mill he would have been paid this season by signing the franchise tag. But yes I’m bitter because  I used my first overall pick on him in fantasy got the same amount of points out of him as he did paychecks this season….0!

I hope he gets hurt in the next preseason.

Douchebag.

WR1: Quincy Enunwa, Goddam Jets
Red: No one, and I mean no one in my fantasy league watches more Jets games than me as the Mrs. is a huge fan. So watching a team that bad I was determined to derive some value out of it, which is exactly what Quincy Enunwa was going to do for me. Enunwa was going to be the steal of the draft as he put up 15, 12 and 10 points in 3 of the first 4 games, but then his season was derailed by various injuries. He cracked 6 points just once after September…

 

WR2: Golden Tate, Detroit Lions/Philadelphia Eagles
Joey B: Tate started the season as Matthew Stafford’s #1 option in what is normally a high flying Detroit offense. To that end, he kicked off the season with games of  17, 15, 10 and TWENTY FUCKING NINE. After that he completely shit the bed, probably became an asshole in the locker room because he realized his name is fucking Golden, and then got traded to Philly where he had one game of 20, coincidentally the only other time he’s seen the end zone since September, and seemingly is hated by all 12 of Philly’s playoff-ready QBs.

 

TE: Gronk
Joey B: I always pick Gronk wayyyy too high because he plays a position where all of 4-5 guys give you tremendous amounts of points and even among those guys he usually stands out. But this year, as the world knows, was different. He’s just broken and I’m just sad.

 

Flex1: Jarvis Landry, Cleveland Browns
Mattes: Landry wasn’t without a few big games of his own this year. Also like Cousins, Landry was a guy whom I expected to make a huge splash with a new team this season, but instead was super inconsistent. Yes, he had to deal with learning how to play with two different QBs this year, but remember that Baker Mayfield has been playing since Week 3. In the 13 games he’s played with Mayfield, Landry has put up single-digit totals in seven of them. For a guy who averaged 99 catches per season before this year, his mark of 72 through 16 games this year is incredibly disappointing.

 

Flex2: Chris Hogan, New England Patriots
Big Z: With Brandin Cooks in LA and Julian Edelman sidelined for the first four games of the season, I was certain Chris Hogan was a steal in the fifth round. He would be one of Tom Brady’s top targets the first month of the season, and hopefully stay in the mix even after Edelman returned.

Hogan scored two touchdowns in Week 2, but he wouldn’t find the end zone again for three months. By that time I had already dropped him and moved on. Just another cautionary tale of putting too much stock in to a Patriots WR/RB for fantasy football purposes.

 

D/ST: San Diego Los Angeles Chargers
Joey B: With Joey Bosa and company up front and some decent pieces in the secondary, I thought the “pressure creates turnovers” rule would get me some points on D. Instead Bosa got hurt and the Chargers are last in return yards allowed.

 

Kicker: Dan Bailey, Minnesota Vikings
Big Z: Drafting and picking up kickers in fantasy football is a bit of a crap shoot. You just try to pick up a guy who kicks for a team with a good, but not great, offense. If he plays in warm weather or a dome, even better. That’s why I love NFC South kickers and why I will never draft the Bills kicker.

Dan Bailey had a rough 2017 and got released by Dallas. But he was at one time the most accurate kicker in NFL history. When he got picked up by Minnesota, I thought he would be a good guy to take a flier on. Accurate kicker on a good, not great, team that plays its home games in a dome.

Bailey is 20/27 on field goals for the Vikes this year and his 2018 may be worse than his 2017. Yikes. God help the Vikings special teams coach

 

*BONUS: Mid-Season Pick Up Fist Fucker of the Year*

WR: Marquez Valdes-Scantling, Green Bay Packers

Red: MVS was one of the few guys I was first to the punch on in my league and he looked like a STUD. 6’4″ with 4.3 speed and Aaron Rodgers throwing him the ball? Yes please. After a quiet start to the season MVS blew onto the scene with a 4 week stretch of 13+ points. He would post 6+ points just once the rest of the way…

 

 

 

The Patriots Back Door Their Way Into the No. 2 Seed and a First Round Bye!

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This is why you play the game people! Are the Bills and the Jets a mere formality for the Patriots to close out the season? I hope. Of course. But the Patriots needed some outside help for the first time in a long time and old friend Nick Foles did just that as the Eagles knocked off the Texans behind his 400+ yard day. This was not a regular back door cover though as the Texans were doing everything they could to steal a W. Seriously, just look at this play from Deshaun Watson that set up the Texans TD to take the lead with less than 2 minutes to go.

Naturally I was shouting at my TV cussing out the Eagles like it was February all over again, but the enigma that is Nick Foles wasn’t ready to go home yet. Despite nearly getting his sternum broken in half by Jadeveon Clowney, he missed 1 play, came back and led the Eagles to a game winning FG.

The Patriots win coupled with the Texans loss moves New England back into the No. 2 seed and back into the driver seat as they, somehow, once again control their own destiny. LETS. GO.

Now just don’t implode against Sam Darnold and the Jets next Sunday and we’ll all be resting our ailing MCLs on Wild Card Weekend.

Lets get to a few rapid reactions from this Patriots Bills game that, despite a slow start and a less than ideal game from Tom Brady, ended up being a 24-12 blowout.

-Tom Brady did not look great. He finished the day 13/24 for 126 yards 1 TD and 2 INT, which gives him 11 on the year, his most since 2013. One of those picks came on a deflection off Gronk’s banana hands that should have been an easy catch and the other came on a miscommunication with Rex Burkhead zigging when Brady thought he was going to zag. But, he still had a lot of missed throws and generally seemed out of sync all day aside from the Edelman TD.

-Two reasons for concern moving forward though.

-I take little joy in this win in of itself because Josh Allen is AWFUL. Yes, the guy can scramble and has an absolute cannon for an arm, but the guy has worse accuracy than Tebow.

-Rob Gronkowski looked straight up old in this game. He was on the sidelines in favor of Dwayne Allen on a lot of early downs as the Pats ran the ball almost exclusively to open the game. Gronk used to be one of, if not the, best blocking tight ends in the NFL though so this is concerning. He couldn’t really get open and even when he did he was dropping bunnies.

-Josh McDaniels continues to mystify me with his shitty play calling in big spots. It obviously didn’t seriously jeopardize the Patriots’ chances of winning the game, but some of McDaniel’s play calls were real head scratchers.

A win is a win is a win though and the Patriots improve to 10-5 on the season with one game to go. Mattes will break down this game a little bit further later this week and preview next Sunday’s regular season finale against the Jets!

Return of the Sanchize: Mark Sanchez is in at QB

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In just his second start since replacing the injured Alex Smith, Colt McCoy went down with an injury of his own (Update: McCoy fractured his fibula so he’s likely done for the season). Hate to see the Colt .45 get knocked out of the game. It seems like every time this guy gets ready to shine he gets injured, whether its the BCS National Championship or Monday Night Football against the defending champs.

But, the good news is that means MARK SANCHEZ IS NOW UNDER CENTER!

He just completed 5/7 passes to end the first half, so watch out world, the Sanchize is back. I’m glad to see Sanchez’s time on the bench hasn’t taken away his flair for the dramatics either.

I Would Watch a Bill Belichick Joel Embiid Buddy Cop Movie 100 Times

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Bill’s girlfriend Linda Holliday is the best thing to ever happen to curious Patriots fans as she provides an inside look into Belichick’s life that we never got before. Whether it’s her dragging him out to various events, or them galavanting around Natucket, the adventures of their dog Nike

Or in this case the formation of the greatest buddy cop movie ever made. This would do a billion dollars at the box office, hell I’d see it twice. Joel Embiid the young, cocky rookie always ready with a clever quip. Bill Belichick the jaded, grumpy, yet wildly decorated longtime cop. Just imagine the possibilities!

Man, I should really work in the Netflix creative department or something. This idea is a 10!

 

Jimmy Butler is an Excellent Player, But I Fully Expect the 76ers to Implode

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Full disclosure, at one point I wanted Jimmy Butler on the Celtics. Granted that was PT (Pre-Tatum), but I did want the player at one point.

So much of success in the NBA is about fit. You can have elite talent, but if the individuals can’t play together effectively then that team is going nowhere. Jimmy Butler is going from a young promising team in Minnesota, which seemed like a pretty good fit last year, to another young promising team in Philly. Just take a look at these two situations and tell me which is a better one.

  • Team A: Two No. 1 overall picks under 24 on a team that made the playoffs last year with a dysfunctional GM likely to be soon fired.
  • Team B: Two No. 1 overall picks under 24 on a team that made the playoffs last year with a dysfunctional GM that was fired last year.

Which situation looks more appealing to you? Looks pretty damn similar if you ask me. If you followed the Bryan Colangelo saga last season then you already know Team B is the Sixers so if you want to lean towards Team B because they also have an extra Top 3 pick under 24 I get it, but just know that guy you’re banking on is a big man that has played in 109 out of a possible 246 games in 3 years due to foot injuries. He’s missed more games in his career than he’s played. That player of course is Joel Embiid. One of the No. 1 overall picks Butler will be leaning on is a guy that is averaging 8.1 pts and 3.7 assists for his career and can’t shoot, which is important in the NBA.

All of this would be fine if Jimmy Butler just wasn’t feeling it in Minnesota, no hard feelings, just didn’t work out. Thats not exactly what happened. Butler feuded with the younger guy, publicly bitched about the team and his teammates, and shot his way out of town.

*That* guy is going to a team with a big man who loves to talk shit, a No. 1 overall pick that can’t shoot who’s confidence is wrecked, and another No. 1 overall pick that refuses to shoot 3 pointers in Ben Simmons. Oh yea, that should go swimmingly.

I’m sure Butler won’t butt heads with these guys any more than he did with the young guys in Minnesota. If the Sixers somehow figure out a fit and it works then Butler gets to be the man on a young and promising team. Orrr Butler loses his patience with Fultz and makes him cry in a game, blows up on Simmons for continuously passing out of open 3-pointers, all while Embiid watches from the bench in a boot.

The 300s Patriots Predictions

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Image result for patriots gillette stadium

The NFL season kicks off in mere hours and even though the Patriots aren’t playing tonight, it’s still a solid excuse to order some pizza and wings and throw back the last few Sam Summers in your fridge. With about 70 hours to go until the Pats kick off, the staff here at The 300s shared their final predictions for the upcoming Patriots season.

Red
Let’s be candid here; on the last episode of The 300s Podcast I picked the Steelers to beat the Patriots in the AFC Championship game this year, but that was BEFORE the entire Steelers organization started openly trashing Le’Veon Bell to everyone in the media. I did not expect him to actually hold out into the regular season. So with that being said I would like to issue a referendum and put my support behind the Patriots reaching their 9th Super Bowl in the Brady/Belichick era and winning it all for their 6th ring together.

Its so easy to take the field, but I just don’t feel confident about any of them. The Eagles are trying to repeat which hasn’t happened since the Patriots did it in 2003-04 and they’re relying on Nick Foles until Carson Wentz comes back from a torn ACL. Despite his SB MVP trophy, I would not want to put my repeat aspirations on the shoulders of Foles.

Just looking at the AFC who are the biggest challengers? The Steelers are in open rebellion against the crown and look like a team about to collapse into chaos. The Chiefs are banking on a guy with 35 career Pass Attempts in Patrick Mahomes. Pass. The Jaguars are a legit threat, but that is a team built around a ton of young guys who I would like to see them prove it for another year before I crown them anything. Plus Blake Bortles is always ready to implode with a handful of awful games.

Gun to head I’m taking the Patriots to get back to their winning ways. Yes, the defense was abysmal last year, but they were also ONE stop away from winning the Super Bowl. So with an improved defensive line (Danny Shelton, Adrian Clayborn, Derek Rivers) and the return of Dont’a Hightower, I like that defense to improve this year. The offense will be a work in progress while Julian Edelman is out with his suspension, but the team figured it out without him for 16 games last year so I think they will make it work.

I’m still predicting a 12-4 record, but with the recent news out of Pittsburgh, I’m taking the Patriots to go to, and win, Super Bowl LIII.

Big Z
I’m not predicting Tom Brady’s demise. That would be just as foolish as betting against the house in blackjack. I do wonder who the hell he is going to throw the ball to, though. Gronk is back, but the receiving corps is pretty thin after that. Brandin Cooks and Danny Amendola are gone. Julian Edelman will be coming back from a torn ACL after serving a four-game suspension. That leaves Chris Hogan as Brady’s top receiver. This feels a lot like 2006.

The coaching is good enough to get enough out of the defense, and the division is so weak there’s no real threat of the Patriots missing the playoffs. But in addition to appearing to be a bit thin in some areas, this team has played a lot of football over the last four years. I think they go 11-5, but run out of gas and lose on the road in the AFC Championship game.

Mattes
Insert overplayed line about how the Pats don’t have any good receivers and that we’re not going to be the same because of it here. OK, I THINK EVERYONE GETS IT BY NOW: the team’s a little thin in the receiving corps. I’m not going to sit here and waste any more time talking about it. We still have Gronk. We still have Hogan. Edelman will be back soon. We have a great stable of backs who can all (pretty much) catch the ball out of the backfield. Also, as mentioned in this week’s podcast, Cordarrelle Patterson could be a real sneaky solid player this year. No matter what, Brady’s going to figure it out. It’s Tom Fucking Brady. (Again, he once made it to an AFC Championship game with Reche Caldwell as his No. 1 receiver. Need I say more?)

I also think the defense will be much improved, especially the pass-rush. Considering the Pats were already fifth in the league in terms of points per game allowed last year, that’s saying something. I love the addition of Adrian Clayborn and Danny Shelton up front, and they’re only going to help the young guys like Flowers and Wise continue to wreak havoc on opposing QBs. Gilmore and McCourty will have the secondary on lock, and they will also be helped immensely by the team’s much-improved line. Sure, the linebackers are a little suspect, but I think the Pats have enough in the front and the back of the defense to make up for the lackluster play in the middle.

In order not to sound like a complete homer, I don’t like the injury trend we’ve seen so far this year, and it could be our undoing. With both of this year’s first-rounders currently on the shelf, one of which could be for the whole season, and other guys throughout the roster, especially along the O-line, dealing with other nagging ailments (like the “slight tear” in Burkhead’s knee), there could be a serious depth issues at certain points this year at multiple positions. But if everyone stays relatively healthy, I say we go 12-4 but unfortunately lose to the Jags or Steelers in the AFC Championship.

Papa Giorgi
Tom vs. Time reared it’s ugly head once again this week in which Brady declared he’d like to play another five years, for like the 15th year in a row. We get it Tom, you’re from the future sent back to protect John Connor.

Well Tom, Edward Furlong doesn’t need your help anymore and it’s time you went back the way you came. Stop holding the AFC East hostage and go play with your children and wife before she leaves you for someone younger. Tom vs. Time? More like Tom vs. time spent on the couch. Gisele, if you’re reading this, I am available to spend time with you every Sunday at 1. Prediction: nothing I say matters and Pats win the Super Bowl because why should I be happy?

 

Who got it right and who got it wrong? Let us know on Twitter @The300sBoston

Mychal “The Wolf of Broadstreet” Kendricks Is Going Down For Insider Trading

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NFL.Com – Cleveland Browns linebacker and former Philadelphia Eagle Mychal Kendricks has been charged with insider trading, the U.S. Attorney’s Office of the Eastern District of Pennsylvania announced Wednesday morning.

First of all, I’m completely shoving this shovel of shit down the throat of Philly and its fans as a.) Kendricks is their guy. b.) He hasn’t played for the Browns yet. c.) He was charged in PA.

So with that said:

WHAT AN IDIOT. WHAT A FUCKING MORON.

Financial gurus, Wizards of Wall Street, Stock Market mavens, cannot commit insider trading and get away with it. Yet this NFL linebacker thought he could? Ok bud, how’d that go?

It would seem like Kendricks “entrusted a friend” to “help him cheat the stock market” and “really regrets he got caught”. The best part is he is so up shits creek with the Feds that he is blatantly and fully admitting it. Full on “ya got me”. Which means between this, again, NFL linebacker and a Harvard MBA/Goldmans employee they couldn’t commit insider trading good enough to even leave a smidge of reasonable doubt. I mean it’s borderline impressive.

So Mychal Kendricks joins the Burress-Vick club of former NFL players to take a vacation at Club Fed. Or pay a steep fine wiping out his net-worth which he’ll probably regain some of because he’ll only have an 8 second suspension. It’s not like he may have deflated footballs after all.

Jake Arrieta Rips His Teammates After Getting Swept aaaand I’m OK With It

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ESPN –  The Philadelphia Phillies have lost six of their past eight games. And after a sweep at the hands of the San Francisco Giants, pitcher Jake Arrieta has reached a boiling point. “Overall, it’s just a really horses— series,” Arrieta said after the Phillies’ 6-1 loss on Sunday. “Really bad. Really bad. We’ve had bad defensive shifts. We had a checked swing. [Shortstop Scott] Kingery should’ve gone to second on that play. And they got three hits in a row. The home run — credit [Andrew] McCutchen for putting a good swing on it, but did not expect a ball like that to get out,” Arrieta said in recounting how a five-run sixth inning for the Giants came together against him.

My fellow lumberjack beard sporting dude Jake Arrieta is having a damn good year for the Phillies (5-3 2.66 ERA) but he was NOT having a good time after getting shellacked and swept by the Giants this weekend. He basically had a meltdown after the game. My first reaction to reading those quotes was bro you cannot do that, especially after just losing 6-1 with the Phillies scoring all of 1 run in the entire series too…

“Sunday’s loss featured the team’s only run scored of the entire series, one driven in by Arrieta with a solo homer in the third inning.”

..which was scored by Arrieta himself…

Rip away, Jake.

If you weren’t dominating on the mound and then personally providing your own run support at the plate I’d tell you to STFU because you know players absolutely haaate when a pitcher calls out his team’s defense. But if you are doing those things then, well, then nobody can really say shit. This is a young team and Arrieta is a Cy Young winner and World Series champion so maybe a swift kick in the ass is just what his team needs.

Celtics Have a 2 Percent Chance of Getting the Number 2 or 3 Overall Pick at the NBA Draft Lottery Tonight

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Lost in all the excitement of this unexpectedly deep playoff run for the Celtics is the fact that they are still sitting on yet another potential goldmine. The Celtics have an outside shot at having a Top 3 pick fall into their laps this year.

The NBA Draft Lottery is tonight before Game 2 and the C’s will be watching with great interest as they could walk away with Philly’s first round pick (via Los Angeles) tonight. Boston is basically riding a heater after landing the No. 1 overall pick for the first time in franchise history last summer. Tonight will be a heat check from Danny.

To recap last year’s draft day trade that got us here, Danny Ainge traded the No. 1 overall pick to Philadelphia (who drafted Markelle Fultz) in exchange for the No. 3 overall pick (C’s drafted Jayson Tatum) and a future first round pick, which could be Philly’s pick this year that the Sixers had previously acquired from the Lakers. There were some protections on that pick though. The Celtics will get the Sixers/Lakers first round pick this year if it falls at No. 2 or No. 3 overall, which has a 2.87% chance of occuring at the Draft Lottery tonight.

Those aren’t great odds, but imagine the chaos we’d see on NBA Twitter if the Celtics, who are already pushing the Cavs to the limit and are expecting both Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward back next season, get a Top 3 pick? People would be screaming about frozen envelopes and crafting conspiracy theories about Danny Ainge having naked pics of Adam Silver to explain this great run of luck in Boston.

However, the Sixers (via the Lakers) are currently projected to get the No. 10 pick based on the Draft Lottery odds. We’ve seen teams make crazy jumps before (i.e. Cleveland jumping from 8th to 1st in 2011 to draft Kyrie Irving) so this wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility. If the Cavs somehow jump from their current spot at No. 8 to No. 1 with the Brooklyn pick the Celtics sent them in the Kyrie trade I’m gonna snap though. Cleveland has had the No. 1 overall pick 3 times in the last 7 years. So who’s rigging the league for who? It would be hilarious though to watch Trader Danny hoard those Brooklyn picks for YEARS and then jump off the bandwagon at the last second to flip his last Nets pick, only to see it fall all the way to No. 8. Seriously though, Danny should be a stock broker.

If the Philly/Lakers pick ends up being anything other than No. 2 or No. 3 then the Celtics’ return for the Fultz/Tatum trade gets kicked to next summer when the C’s will receive a first rounder from the Sixers. The Sixers have their own pick next year as well as the Sacramento Kings’ first rounder so the Celtics would get the higher of the two next year unless either lands on No. 1 overall then they’d get the other pick instead.

In case you were wondering, the Kings finished 27-55 this year, which was tied for the 6th worst record in the NBA, with no signs of improvement next year. So either way the Celtics could be nabbing another Top 5 pick if not this year then very likely next year.