Tag: Sharks

Sharks are Basically a Combine Workout Away from Killing People Now

By on • ( Leave a comment )

Image result for sharks

Unless you’ve been living in a remote cabin somewhere, it’s impossible to have missed the 3,456,789,589 reports of shark sightings in Massachusetts over the past two years, particularly this summer.

OK, that total may be a bit exaggerated. BUT there is no doubt that the number of sightings are increasing at an absolutely alarming rate what seems like every week now. (Seriously, just Google “shark sightings Massachusetts” and try not to have a full-out panic attack.)

If you know me at all, you know I have an irrational fear of the ocean. Rarely will I go out much further than where the waterline reaches my waist, and even that’s pushing it. And it’s not just about sharks. There are literally MILLIONS of life forms floating around the world in one giant cesspool – two-thirds of which we barely know a damn thing about! – and you can’t even freakin’ see anything that’s underneath you! Literally at any time.

Even laying out on the beach all day is something entirely undesirable to me. Cool, so I get to sit there and bake like a potato in the searing sun while at the same time getting sand stuck in each and every crack and crevice of my body? Again:

Look, I realize that I’m in the extreme minority here, as most people are huge fans of the beach. Whatever. To each their own.

However, no matter how you feel about the beach or the ocean, you can’t deny the fact that sharks aren’t fucking around anymore. They keep getting closer and closer to the shore, in greater and greater numbers, and there are still people out there who are acting as though it’s no big deal.

HO HUM! THEY’RE JUST GIANT WATER MONSTERS. BIG WHOOP, RIGHT??!!

Image result for shark scary

No? Still not doin’ it for ya???!!! How about this little quote from the Cape Cod Times just last week:

“In the still morning air, gnats besieged those gathered for a 9 a.m. press conference Tuesday on the boardwalk at Marconi Beach. From the top of the bluff overlooking the beach, small glassy waves rolled in, and a touch of brown, free-floating seaweed made for a thick brown soup in a small band along the water’s edge.

A couple of hours later, around noon, the first alert of the season was triggered with the sighting of a great white shark just 40 yards off the beach.”

That’s not even half a football field! In fact, it’s the same distance that most NFL running backs, receivers, and other skill position players can run in less than 4.5 seconds FLAT. As any NFL fan knows, the 40-yard dash is typically the No. 1 metric used to measure the athleticism of pretty much every young player trying to make his way into the league. As I just said, the good guys can run it in no time at all, and even the slower dudes in the league – like the G.O.A.T. himself – can do it in under six seconds. For reference, check this clip out:

That’s a baby Tom Brady running 40 yards in just 5.28 seconds. How long do you think it would take a hungry shark – one that can reach speeds of 30 mph in the water! – to reach you from that distance, even if you’re only taking a “quick little dip” just past the shoreline? Think you can beat ’em out there, Michael Phelps?

Please.

So, while you can still take your little beach vacations this year and roll the dice just so you can splash around in salty fish pee (sorry, but that’s all the ocean is), don’t say your boy Mattes didn’t warn you! I’ll be just fine in the A.C. waiting for football season to start.

Cape Cod Shark-Attack Victim “Punched” Shark to Escape, Making Dane Cook Proud

By on • ( Leave a comment )
William Lytton, of Scarsdale, N.Y., is seated in a wheelchair while taking a break from physical therapy at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital, in Boston, Tuesday, Aug. 28, 2018, while recovering from a shark attack. Lytton suffered deep puncture wounds to his leg and torso after being attacked by a shark on Aug. 15, 2018 while swimming off a beach, in Truro, Mass. Lytton injured a tendon in his arm while fighting off the shark. (AP Photo/Steven Senne)

Photo credit: Steven Senne/Associated Press

TRURO, Mass. — The man bitten by a shark off Cape Cod this month said on Tuesday he escaped by punching the powerful predator in the gills after it clamped down on his leg.

In his first interview since the Aug. 15 attack , William Lytton said he’d been swimming in about “8 to 10 feet” (2.4 to 3 meters) of water off Truro, Massachusetts, when he felt an incredible pain shoot through his left leg and quickly realized he was being attacked by a shark.

The 61-year-old neurologist from Scarsdale, New York, said he gave the animal a strong smack in the gills with his left hand, a move that likely saved his life but also resulted in some torn tendons. He now sports an arm cast as well as bandages and a brace around most of his left leg.

“I initially was terrified, but, really, there was no time to think,” he said, recounting the ordeal following a physical therapy session at Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital in Boston, where he’s been since Sunday. “It doesn’t feel like I did anything heroic. A lot of this was luck.”

What a legend.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock recently, you know that going to the beach down the Cape this summer has been more dangerous than wearing a Big Papi jersey in the Bronx. There have been shark sightings up the wazz this year, from Nauset all the way up to Plymouth, and one man, William Lytton, almost lost his life after being attacked by one in Truro just a few weeks ago.

But now we get the full story: A 61-year-old man goes toe-to-toe with the world’s most fearsome predator, and not only comes out alive but made the jabroni shark swim away after one solid throw of the hand. (Jason Statham, eat your heart out.)

Image result for jason statham shark

Look, Lytton is not the first man to pull off the feat; this scenario has happened elsewhere before, as evidenced by the once-great Dane Cook back in 2003:

(I’m sure if the Massachusetts-native heard this story, he was grinning from ear to ear with his 19-year-old girlfriend, who was FOUR at the time this bit came out. Not trying to be judgmental here, and best of luck to the seemingly happy couple, but that’s just kinda crazy to think about.)

But let’s not take Mr. Lytton’s tale as a solid reason to start jumping back in the water again. The guy still almost died, had six surgeries (and likely needs even more plus weeks of rehab), and still GOT BITTEN BY A SHARK.

I know many people out there have the whole “please, it happens to like 1 in every kajillion people in the water” mentality, but I’m not taking any chances. Every time we’re at the beach, my girlfriend and I have a Mexican stand-off, where I stay on the sand and hyperventilate as I watch her swim around blissfully in the ocean. I may go out to the waist, but that water line isn’t touching the nipples or neck. No way, Jose.

So, once again, kudos to Mr. Lytton on a pretty legendary story and what will hopefully be a full recovery. But sharks are still sharks, people. Let’s not get too cocky here.