Tag: Tom Brady

Smokin Jay Cutler is Back!

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You thought this guy was going to go quietly into the night? I don’t think so. Not if there’s a $10 million offer on the table from the Miami Dolphins. I think Jay Cutler is a better QB than he’s ever gotten credit for, but I also think his biggest problem has always been perception. He looks like a guy that does not give a shit and doesn’t really want to play. Whether thats actually true or not nobody except maybe Kristin Cavallari knows, but hey perception is reality.

Which is why Cutler signing with the Dolphins is very interesting. Its the best team he’s been on, at least offensively, in years plus its in the warm and comfortable city of Miami. Maybe he puts the Menthols down for a few months and has a mini career resurgence a la Kurt Warner in Arizona. Or maybe he collects $10 Million to half-ass a season before going into the FOX booth.

Cutler started his career off as a promising young QB, then became salty as fuck when new Denver coach Josh McDaniels tried to trade him for Matt Cassel, forced a trade, landed with the Bears, played pretty well there for a couple of years with Brandon Marshall, then the team started to get worse before bottoming out last year and becoming a complete dumpster fire. Add all that to the fact that Chicago is a miserably cold city during the football season and I can see how Smokin Jay Cutler was born.

BUT, Cutler’s also only thrown for 4,000+ yards once in a season, and thrown 25+ TDs 3 times in 10 years. For a quick AFC East comparison, Tom Brady has thrown for 4,000+ yards 8 different times and has thrown 25+ TDs 12 times in his career. So Tom Brady he is not.

But the Dolphins don’t really need him to be. They just need him to be similar, if not better, than the level of production they were getting out of Ryan Tannehill. I think its a pretty safe bet to assume most Dolphins fans are pretty lukewarm on Tannehill. He’s been good, not great. He hasn’t made the jump to a top tier QB like most hoped he would. Again for comparisons sake, Tannehill has thrown for 4,000+ yards twice in five years and thrown 25+ TDs just once in his career. His career completion percentage of 62.7 is just a tick higher than Cutler’s 61.9. Tannehill is more mobile, but the difference is not as much as you would think. The last four years Tannehill has rushed for 164, 141, 311, 238 and 211 yards (4.9 Yards per Attempt for his career) with 6 TDs. In that same timespan Cutler has rushed for 24 (limited to 5 games by injury), 201, 191, 118, and 233 (4.5 Yards per Attempt for his career) with 3 TDs. So not a huge difference.

My point is the Dolphins aren’t completely and totally fucked. Cutler is not Tom Brady, but he’s better than most people think.

Okay, okay, you want to see how he stacks up against the most famous free agent QB ever in Colin Kaepernick too? Despite his gazelle like speed, Kaepernick “only” averages 6.1 Yards per Rushing Attempt. People remember those who huge runs in the playoffs a few years back and it skews perception. In the 2012 playoffs he rushed for 264 yards and in the 2013 playoffs he rushed for 243 yards and 4 total TDs, which is 9.9 Yards per Attempt). Overall though? Not that much better. Not so much better you want to deal with bitchy questions from everyone holding a microphone for the next 6 months. His passing stats? Career completion percentage of 59.8 (lower than both Cutler and Tannehill). He’s never thrown for 4,000+ yards. He’s never thrown for 3,500+ yards. Never threw 25+ TDs, he’s only topped 20 once. Kaepernick obviously has a much smaller sample size of games started than Cutler, but those are the numbers guys.

So if anything the Dolphins will be interesting to watch, assuming Jay Cutler wants to do more than just collect a paycheck. But if he truly just wanted to snake another check, Cutler could have signed with the Jets months ago. Maybe he sees a legit opportunity here with Miami. The Patriots have had the AFC East on lock for a while now so its not like they will suddenly contend for the division. But similar to the Vikings getting Sam Bradford last year, except much better because Miami didn’t have to give up a FIRST round draft pick to get Cutler, brining in a solid, veteran QB probably keeps them in contention for a Wild Card spot. Smokin Jay Cutler is back indeed.

Time is a Flat Circle: Tom Brady Has Five Goats

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So apparently the Patriots are celebrating Tom Brady’s 40th birthday today by trotting out a mini heard of goats rocking TB12 jerseys. Because what else do you get the man that has everything?

But more importantly, if you’re anything like me and my friends, you’ve obsessively watched every single Tom Brady documentary there is, but most of all The Brady 6. One of the funniest lines of that entire documentary is the gigantic FUCK YOU that ESPN gives to that scrub Giovanni Carmazzi, who the 49ers took over Brady. “……he has five goats.”

And now years later, on his 40th birthday, after his 5th Super Bowl championship, Tom Brady also has 5 goats.

An Ode To The GOAT On His 40th Birthday

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I’ll admit it: I was a Bledsoe guy. Drafted 1st overall in 1993, as I became a conscious human being, the rocket-armed Washingtonian was the prototype of a QB1 and the guy I was sure would lead us to a Super Bowl Championship, getting us to the big dance once in 1996.

So, needless to say, when Mo Lewis, contracted by the football gods, landed the shot heard ’round the universe in 2001 and caused a near-death (seriously) Bledsoe to hand the reigns over to a young back up out of Michigan, I was none too pleased. More specifically I figured we were fucked. My guy was out and our season was over.

Well I was wrong. I’ll take that one. That’s on me. That backup, chosen in the sixth round the year before Bledsoe went down, was Tom Brady, and all he has done is rack up 5 Super Bowls, 4 Super Bowl MVPs, 12 Pro Bowl appearances, 2 MVPs, and 2 Offensive Player Of The Year Awards. He now also is both the winningest QB overall and winningest QB for a single team (208 wins). This is further astounding when factoring in the bust of a 2002 season when Brady was getting used to life as an official starting QB and that his 2008 season was ended half a quarter in. Oh and a quick side note: Did I mention he’s handsome as fuck and married to a kajillionaire Brazilian super model who seems like she’s a down ass PIC as well?

Now reread all the accomplishments I listed above, personal and professional. Take a glimpse into the California-sized chip taken out of #12’s shoulder in April 2000 and you’ll see a list of accolades and achievements that transcends modern football’s standards for longevity and consistency, especially when you consider those MVPs, etc. would probably be double in number if the media that voted on them didn’t quietly hate Brady for ruining their “Peyton Manning: America’s Golden Boy” narrative they had pre-written 20 years worth of stories for in 1998.

Reread all that Tom Brady has done, all that he has earned through skill and grit, patience and perseverance, and then think of this: He did all that before he turned 40. Every last thing listed above happened before Brady reached his 5th decade. That changes today. Today, he turns 40 – coming off his fifth Super Bowl win but seemingly as competitive and driven to win as ever. He has a restocked arsenal with which to work, as Brandin Cooks, Mike Gillislee, and Dwayne Allen have been added to his toolbox. He works with a guru of sorts with whom he monitors every last work out down to the smallest of motions and every last meal down to the tiniest of morsels. Make no mistake about it, Tom Brady isn’t still here to just win, or even to be considered the GOAT, a title which, although earned, he has stated he is uncomfortable with. No, He is still coming for complete and total domination. He wants no corners of the map unconquered and no prisoners taken. He wants it all.

So Happy 40th Birthday to Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, the guy who replaced my guy, the 7th QB taken in 2000, destined to ride pine while Bledsoe played for another 5 years, at least.. For 16 years we’ve watched you prove you belong, then that you are great, then excellent. The only gift we can give now is to end the ever-changing perceptions of what we are observing and simply state – you are the Greatest of All Time.

 

Now can someone give him a fucking high-5.

 

 

Rebuttal: I Could Give A Fuck About the Patriots Going 19-0

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Not going to try and make this a PhD thesis about the New England Patriots and their upcoming season, I am going to simply state I strongly disagree with my editor’s opinion (although I respect his right to it cause we’re buds 🙂 ) and give a few reasons why.

A 19-0 season is like an awesome upcoming party that you have to throw. I’m guessing it’s like planning your wedding. That night things are probably going to go great and it’s going to be best night of your life blahblahblah but putting it altogether and paying for it sucks, from what I’ve heard. Sure, it would be great to go undefeated. It’d be cool. But as a fan the stress and strain of winning week in and week out in the National Football League for 16 weeks is a grind. I honestly hate it. I feel like a lot of people, and this does not include Dougie, don’t get that just because the Pats make it look easy sometimes doesn’t mean it is. They are still playing highly trained super-athletes every single week.  Every early season loss for me comes with 5 minutes of despair followed by the epiphany of “thank God we got that out of the way”.

I also think that in the grand scheme of things 19-0 is a bit arbitrary. It would be awesome, sure. However there is a reason no one talks about the team we put together in 07′ that was only the second team to ever go undefeated in the regular season and the first to go 16-0: we lost the big one. In other words, The Super Bowl is all that really matters. We’ve won that going 11-5. We’ve lost that going 14-2. Let’s just get there and then let’s win it.

So that’s really it, my rebuttal. I guess I’m not about the glitz and the glam. I don’t care about superfluous records. I’m looking for more hardware.

I Am Offended at the Lack of Patriots Fans That Want to Go for 19-0

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It seems like the topic du jour around the local sports media is whether the Patriots can realistically (or should even attempt it) go a perfect 19-0. Except there seems to be less people talking about if they can do it and more people just straight up refusing to talk about it and saying its stupid to do so. USA Today thinks its doable. But basically every other media personality wants no part of it.

As a Patriots fan, the lack of people that want to go for 19-0 personally offends me.

Guys, I know it brings up bad memories. We almost had it in 2007. It was in the palms of our hands, less than 2 minutes to go and the 07 Patriots would be crowned the greatest team of all time.

If Asante Samuel makes that interception. If David Tyree plays like the insurance salesman he really is, if Rodney Harrison somehow jars that ball lose from his fucking helmet, if the refs actually called holding on the Giants offensive line on that play. The list goes on and on.

That shit used to kill me. Used to. But I noticed something recently. The 07 Super Bowl highlights come on….and I watch them. It doesn’t make me physically ill anymore. I can watch those clips and say ah man that sucked, without smashing a pint glass off my wall like I would have done a few years ago. Winning two Super Bowls since then goes a looong way in healing that pain. Brady’s 5-2 in the SB for christ’s sake. That will always be the most painful loss of my life. I was a freshman in college and my direct roommate was a Giants fan, not to mention half my hallway. So losing in that fashion, surrounded by that many Giants fans in neutral territory as a young, inebriated boyish man, that was a tough pill to swallow.

But like I said, one of the greatest Super Bowls EVER against Seattle with the Malcolm Butler pick to seal the W was cathartic; the greatest comeback of all time against the Falcons in 2016 gave us all our swagger back. You can’t say shit to us. You can’t hurt us.

The Patriots have 5 Super Bowl rings, Tom Brady is a 2x MVP, a 4x Super Bowl MVP, he had one of his greatest seasons ever during the Deflategate saga, and then was suspended the following year only to come back, tear it up and win another fucking Super Bowl. Belichick and Brady are the. Greatest. Of. All. Time. So…what do you get the men who have everything? The only thing left. Perfection

Its the ultimate. Its the only thing left that the Patriots don’t have. And there will always be the Felgers of the world saying we as Patriots fans all have a persecution complex (is it paranoid if its true though?) and theres nothing left to prove. But, tell someone they can’t do something or don’t need something and what do they want? Exactly. We’ve conquered the AFC East, we’ve conquered fan bases in St. Louis, Carolina, Philadelphia, Seattle, and Atlanta, we’ve taken on the league and the commissioner himself and come out with one for the thumb. TB12 is 40 years old and playing better than anyone has ever played the position. Minneaposix™ is the goal, but 19-0 will always be the ultimate.

PS – Plus if the Pats do go 19-0 I can get my fucking t-shirts back stateside.

Donte Stallworth Talking About How Tom Brady and Randy Moss Ran Improvised Plays in 2007 is Patriots Porn

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In case you missed it, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t bring this Donte Stallworth story about the 2007 Patriots team to your attention. The 2007 Patriots are the greatest, most dominant team I’ve ever seen and were the most fun I’ve ever had watching football. They were straight up dismantling the league, blowing everyone out as a response to the NFL hosing them with the overblown and hypocritical Spygate scandal.

This was also the first year Tom Brady had real weapons around him like Wes Welker, Stallworth and of course Randy Moss.  This season finally helped put to rest the Tom Brady vs Peyton Manning argument. Yes, when TB12 has Hall of Famers catching his passes he can put up 50 TDs too. Some of the plays these guys made were just outrageous though and it turns out some of them were legitimate accidents. Just Brady and Moss out there improvising and freestyling like only two first ballot Hall of Famers can.

PS – If you want to watch every single one of Tom Brady’s 50 TD passes, @fearthe_beard11 is doing Gods work on twitter and tweeted each one out.

NFL and CFL Legend Doug Flutie Named to Toronto All-Time Team

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Toronto Argonauts – The Toronto Argonauts Football Club and the Toronto Argonauts Alumni Association are proud to announce that quarterback Doug Flutie has been named an All-Time Argo. Flutie played in Toronto for two seasons and was named the league’s Most Outstanding Player in both, leading the Argos to back-to-back Grey Cup Championships in 1996 and 1997. He was also named the Grey Cup MVP in both games. The product of Boston College holds the Argos’ single season record for most passing yards (5,720 – 1996), most pass completions (434 – 1996) and most passing touchdowns (47 – 1997).

First off, what a distinction. Rarefied air. Good for Doug Flutie. Now I readily admit I cant name a single other former Toronto Argonaut aside from Ricky Williams, but I recognize greatness. And holy hell did Doug Flutie put up some numbers in the CFL. He was (Canadian) Tom Brady before Tom Brady.

Have you ever actually looked at Flutie’s career CFL stats?

  • His career CFL statistics include 41,355 passing yards and 270 touchdowns.
  • He holds the professional football record of 6,619 yards passing in a single season. He led the league in passing five times in only eight seasons.
  • He once held four of the CFL’s top five highest single-season completion marks, including a record 466 in 1991 which was surpassed by Ricky Ray in 2005.
  • His 48 touchdown passes in 1994 remains a CFL record.
  • He earned three Grey Cup MVP awards, and was named the CFL’s Most Outstanding Player a record six times (1991–1994, and 1996–1997).
  • He passed for 5,000+ yards six times in his career and remains the only player in pro football history to pass for 6,000+ yards in a season twice in his career.

Those are legit Madden on Easy mode numbers, just a disgusting level of dominance of the CFL and their goofy wider field with goalposts in the endzone. Canada WORSHIPS this guy. Like I love Doug Flutie, but he’s a goddamn legend in the great white north. They voted him the greatest CFL player of all-time and then made him the first non-Canadian EVER inducted into Canada’s Sports Hall of Fame.

And how am I only just now hearing about Doug Flutie bobblehead night? I’ve been talking about seriously getting into the CFL this year. I think this is a sign. I think I have to drive up to Toronto for this right? I could expense this to The 300s (read: my credit card) right?

I need a Doug Flutie CFL jersey so bad. Its like acid in my mouth.

Atlanta Falcons to Sell Beers for $5. What Are You Up to Arthur Blank?

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Yahoo – In a world of constant inflation and outrageous stadium food prices, the Atlanta Falcons could emerge as one of the most fan-friendly teams in all of sports. Atlanta’s new home turf, Mercedes-Benz Stadium, is set to open its doors on August 26, and once it does, Falcons fans will be able to buy concessions at prices most fans can only dream of.

$5 beers? $2 refillable cokes? $2 hot dogs? In this day and age of greedy asshole billionaire owners pinching every penny out of their franchises though I have to ask….what are you up to Arthur Blank? What’s the catch? Do I have to wear my 1994 Starter jacket to redeem these throwback prices?

I’m suspicious. Its like when the Red Sox did $5 beer night a couple of years ago. It was for April games only and the beers were the size of cough syrup cups.

Absurdly low prices? I feel like that guy from the Burger King commercial.

Then again if your team just blew the biggest lead in Super Bowl history and lost in absolutely agonizing fashion to give Tom Brady his 5th ring you’d probably wanna do something to make sure the fans actually showed up the following season. Smart. Arthur Blank didn’t build all those Home Depots by accident.

ESPN Asks Who Are the Best QBs in Patriots History? Hmm

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ESPN asked the question of who are the 5 greatest Patriots QBs of all time? Let me stop you right there ESPN.

Tom Brady.  Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Because I spit hot fire.

But, seriously why is this even a list? The best 5 quarterbacks in Patriots history? Tom Brady is No. 1 and then Alex Guerrero is No. 2 for providing Brady with all of his (completely legal) TB12 voodoo magic to play at an MVP level at the age of 40. Then I guess maybe Drew Bledsoe at 3. That’s it.

In case you’re curious how the world-wide leader ranked the top QB’s in Patriots history:

  1. Tom Brady
  2. Drew Bledsoe
  3. Steve Grogan
  4. Babe Parilli
  5. Jim Plunkett
  6. Tony Eason

Tom Brady to Grace the Cover of Madden 2018 at 40 Years Old

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Alright now…how to react to this news?

A younger version of myself would freak out at the prospect of my franchise quarterback appearing on the cover of Madden because dudes used to routinely get injured after landing the cover. But TB12 put that to rest real quick with a few simple demonstrations.

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FTomBrady%2Fvideos%2F1560009470706864%2F&show_text=0&width=560

Smashed mirror? No problem? Walk under a ladder? Get that shit out of my face.

Lets get scientific about it though and break it down year by year, going back an arbitrary number of years because Madden 03 was the first Madden I actually had. On the PC no less. You ever try running go routes on a 12 inch computer screen? Holy hell, but I digress. Onto the list, with some help from Digital Trends.

  • 2003: Marshall Faulk has one of his worst years ever and its the beginning of the end of his career.
    • CURSE: In full effect
  • 2004: Michael Vick fractures his fibula and misses the first 11 games of the season
    • CURSE: 100%
  • 2005: Ray Lewis has a down year, but nothing curse worthy…he did tear his hamstring the following year though.
    • CURSE: Meh
  • 2006: Donovan McNabb was plagued by a groin injury before tearing his ACL later in the year.
    • CURSE: You bet
  • 2007: Shaun Alexander broke his foot in Week 3 that season.
    • CURSE: Prevails once again
  • 2008: Vince Young was plagued by quad injuries all year before being replaced by KERRY COLLINS.
    • CURSE: Continues to cruise
  • 2009: Brett Favre played pretty well actually before injuring his shoulder down the stretch and tanking his (and the Jets) effectiveness.
    • CURSE: Yea, not even including Brett’s cell phone pic troubles
  • 2010: Larry Fitzgerald/Troy Polamalu – Fitz actually had a career year, but Polamalu injured his MCL, missed a month and then eventually injured his PCL as well.
    • CURSE: 50/50 split but still yes
  • 2011: Drew Brees stayed healthy but threw twice as many picks as the year prior and the Saints lost to the first team to ever make the playoffs with a losing record in Seattle that year.
    • CURSE: Not reallyyy
  • 2012: Peyton Hillis came out of nowhere to have a huge year to land the cover of Madden only to battle illness and hamstring issues all season. Rushed for under 600 yards, the Browns let him walk after the season and that was a wrap on Hillis’ career.
    • CURSE: Yup, you sunk my battleship
  • 2013: Calvin Johnson set the single season record for receiving yards soo he did alright.
    • CURSE: Nope, Megatron shatters it
  • 2014: Adrian Peterson battled through a foot injury all year long and the Vikings only won 10 games.
    • CURSE: Yessir
  • 2015: Richard Sherman had a great season and stayed healthy…but they did lose to the Patriots in the Super Bowl.
    • CURSE: Nah, but we did get this legendary GIF out of Sherman’s season 

  • 2016: Odell Beckham Jr. has 1,400+ receiving yards and 13 TDs and is named to this second consecutive Pro Bowl.
    • CURSE: No shot
  • 2017: Rob Gronkowski played only 8 games last season as missed the first game of the year with a hamstring injury, then got on a roll, but ultimately hurt his back in Week 7 against Seattle and missed the rest of the season.
    • CURSE: Put the smackdown on Gronk

So by my scientific count, that makes 10 instances of the Madden Curse wrecking a guy’s season since Madden 2003.

But, hey this is Tom Brady we’re talking about. The 5 time Super Bowl champ who continues to get better like a goddamn fine wine. As long as he’s go his avocado ice cream and his shady health guru Alex Guerrero and his TB12 voodoo magic, I think Brady will continue to roll. You think the Madden Curse and mother nature can stop this specimen?

I think not.

PS – If something does happen to Tom this year I am going to go full Brian Mills on everyone that has ever worked at EA Sports.