As has been alluded to and addressed, a number of folks from The 300s along with a crew of additional compadres will descend upon the city of sin this weekend to celebrate Red’s last few weeks as a man.
Now in reality, getting married is just another excuse for Red to refuse to go out and do anything fun; much like getting a dog, getting engaged, growing a beard, buying a grill, etc. However, society has deemed this one valid so there’s not much I or anything else can do or say about it.
We have an eclectic crew heading out for our weekend of drinking, gambling, professional hockey, tasteful prostitution, and more drinking. Not all men are made equal, especially when it comes to bachelor parties. There’s a weird “on a bachelor party” effect where folks tend to just slip into some sort of alter ego, no two which are the same. I can only imagine that this is only magnified in Las Vegas, a place I have never been but have ingested the lore of in great quantities.
So to prognosticate what will become of our conquering heroes, I partnered with a Professional Sports Scout to look at the game tape, read between the lines, scrutinize some measurements, and come to some conclusions.
Here’s what we drew up.
Big Z – Center Fielder, Stay-at-home Defenseman, OLB, 3-and-D Small Forward
Most tenured veteran of the bunch…saw a dip in production over last few years….recently showed he still has “it”…committed to living and training in the elements to prepare….very willing when it comes to taking a gamble….locker room guy who can keep things organized and together….can he last the whole season?
Mattes – 2nd or 3rd Starter, Left Winger, Free Safety, 2 Guard Gunner
Another prestigious career…workman-like through and through…sometimes apprehensive to give up the rock…still has gas left in the tank that he can call on…keeps fit with the use of herbal remedies, huge dedication to his physical condition….will prosper with a little change of scenery….huge team guy, could be a key clubhouse decision maker….may need a mid-game nap.
Papa Giorgio – Third Baseman, Enforcer/4th Line Something, Strong Safety, Small Ball 4
The personality and force of the group….has mellowed as late….one might say he’s just dormant as of now….will pick his spots….not afraid to leave it all out there, then immediately head home….will perform best with the right tunes played….has taken up fun running, which has nothing to do with this….recent move has him reinvigorated…dark horse MVP candidate.
Red – Shortstop, Offensive Defenseman, Scat Back, Point Guard
Long known as the glue guy…. the brain to Giorgio’s brawn…has played sparingly of late on his own accord….does he still love the game?….does he only love craft sports?…..one last shot at glory, will he go for it?….Known as a 5-tool player….can do it all, might feel like he has something to prove…odds-on All-Pro.
Joey B – 2nd Baseman, Right Wing, Wildcat QB, Small Ball 3
Has signed a “Do Not Resuscitate” order.