So the XFL announced the names of every team and unveiled their official logos today, which is pretty exciting considering its August 21st and the Patriots are still playing fauxball.

February 2020 cannot come soon enough. The Patriots will be coming off their 4th Super Bowl title in six years after repeating as champs and then we can coast into Vince McMahon’s little football experiment. The AAF failed because it was financed and run by people who had apparently never run a business a day in their lives. Vince has been running one of the most successful entertainment organizations ever for the past 30+ years. If nothing else the man knows how to put on a show.

I was cautiously optimistic about this announcement because these expansion leagues always seem to have the WORST team names. (Looking at you, Atlanta Legends)

So how’d Vince do? Lets break em down.

Mercenaries in the muck.

Brawlers in blackened dirt.

The scratching, grinding, never-bending few.

Going to work for you February 2020: The Houston Roughnecks. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/vDeSCA3SPs

— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019

Houston Roughnecks – First off, I absolutely LOVE the Roughnecks logo, an excellent shoutout to the Oilers of the old days. We have an early favorite folks.

Deep in the heart of Texas beats a different kind of pulse.

A swagger that can’t be denied.

This is hell on wheels, between hash marks.

Raising hell February 2020: The Dallas Renegades. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/7QTx0dseYb

— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019

Dallas Renegades – Obviously you have to put at least one team in Texas considering high school football games in Texas draw bigger than some professional teams. The name Renegades screams expansion team though, weak name. Give me something spicy.

This is prime time meets primal instinct.

This is showtime with a snarl.

This is our time to roar.

Unleashed February 2020: The Los Angeles Wildcats. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/XLZVH0UD2T

— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019

LA Wildcats – This sounds like the name of the Rams’ cheer squad. Boooo

Watchdogs over the metropolis.

They are the first line of defense, and there is no need for a second.

On duty February 2020: The New York Guardians. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/7AwCU3IV9a

— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019

New York Guardians – Meh. They’re a silent New York Guardian, a watchful protector, a dark knight that will probably lose a bunch of games by the sheer fact of being too close to the Knicks/Jets/Giants/Mets.

Winged warriors. Preparing for flight. Preparing to fight.

Their mission: create chaos. Their mandate: win at all costs.

Cleared to engage February 2020: The St. Louis BattleHawks. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/wGocLm80Tx

— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019

St. Louis BattleHawks – I have no idea what a BattleHawk is, nobody does really, but I fuck with it. Bad ass name.

Relentless, ruthless, ravenous.

Not of mythology, but of muscle and might.

Breathing fire February 2020: The Seattle Dragons. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/odx2YFnlwa

— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019

Seattle Dragons – Any time a new team pulls the ole reliable “Dragon” name off the shelf, I can’t help but go back to Papa Giorgio’s hilarious story of how the Islanders came to have a bastard dragon for a mascot.

Hunters by instinct. Cold-blooded by nature.

Luring all who challenge them into the jaws of defeat.

Ready to strike February 2020: The Tampa Bay Vipers. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/ziN4DDx47Q

— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019

Tampa Bay Vipers – I will say the name Viper has come back into vogue thanks almost entirely to one Oberyn Martell before he (spoiler alert) met his untimely demise. Plus its Florida so encountering a pack of Vipers is a very real possibility. Vipers are OK by me.

One quest. One purpose. One resolve.

Seeking glory through grit. Victory through valor.

Taking their stand February 2020: The DC Defenders. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/7Qzrd4hZM9

— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019

DC Defenders – Alliteration! Decent idea, but poor exectution. What are they defending? Are they defending Vince McMahon’s idea to launch a bootleg football league for the second time in 20 years? Are they the Marvel Defenders? Prop bet idea: What gets cancelled quicker? The Defenders on Netflix or the DC Defenders of the XFL?

Now I just have to decide which team to stan for so I would like to announce that my XFL fanhood free agency period has officially opened. Let the bidding commence.