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Young Rapscallions (Rapscallionettes?) Are Posing As Grannies To Buy Booze During Quarantine

MetroTeenagers have been illegally buying booze by using countrywide mask guidelines to help disguise themselves as old women…….She is then seen wearing a baggy sweater, glasses and a headscarf while using a walker in a parking lot while carrying a bottle of pink liquor.

Two things hit me as hard as a haymaker right off the bat with this story. Both are related to, thanks to something as simple as evolution (apologies to our hardcore Christian readers), how much smarter and generally better at being teenagers today’s teenagers are than we were.

First off is the ingenuity. Quick aside: we had none. Moving on, as an example, some people see a lump of clay and they just see clay. Some people see a one-stringed guitar and they see an unplayable instrument. Other people see those things and see art. They see what could be. They see something great and profound and maybe uplifting or melancholy. To that end, these girls knew they had to wear a mask because of the rona. They knew they had 17,000 pounds of make up, for whatever reason, or in some cases left over Halloween masks.With that they knew that they had an opportunity – to be inventive, to transcend their age-related limitations, to avoid having to try and acquire booze via the creepy 21 year old town layabout in exchange for the implication of an underaged hand job. They saw means and opportunity. Lord knows they had motive.

The second thing that came to my mind was the BALLS on these girls. I had a shitty fake in high school that I tried three times and went one-for-three with. Each time I was shaking out of my boots that this random dude from another town (who uses a fake in their own town?) would like, shoot me on site or something. I guess he could have called the cops but my friends were waiting with the engine running. These girls? Ya they did not give 1/9 of a fuck. Part of that could be the fact that teenage girls who are thought of as attractive (see how I skirted around that?) have this odd sense of being literally bulletproof. I mean they think they can actually take a bullet and get away with it. Fair enough. I think that also these kids are just that, kids, and have been stuck in their houses. So now their typical teenage boredom grows over four longggg months and finally matastasizes into a full-blown adrenaline craving that they somehow find a way to feed. This is some sort of “Italian Job” mixed with the Joker in “The Dark Knight” mixed with idk what else shit.

Of course, as with anything, especially teenagers, the pride comes before the fall. And these chuckleheads decided to get away with an absolute Caper with a capital “C” and then promptly post it on Tim Berners-Lee’s internet for all to see. Not only are they bbbbbusted by whomever wants to bust them but they’ve ruined this idea for all the other chicks out there trying to get ripped off a bottle of chocolate ice cream Pinnacle vodka (probs a flavor idk). But hey, they had a good run. I have to say that even with such an astonishingly dumb conclusion to their plan, they gave me a little hope for that generation when I previously had exactly zero. So there’s that.

There’s always that.

-Joey B.

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