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Carl Crawford Will Probably Blame the Red Sox for this Mean Headline

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Get it? Because Carl Crawford bitched and moaned about the Red Sox for years like the team forced him to sign a $142 million contract. Poor guy. Bleacher Report just smoked him with that headline. By the way, Crawford is STILL on that original contract the Red Sox signed him to back when I was still in college.

“Now in the final weeks of the monster seven-year, $142 million deal he signed before the 2011 season, Crawford is being paid nearly $22 million by the Dodgers this summer to not play baseball.” 

And guess what? I alllllmost started feeling bad for the guy with quotes like this:

“It just seems like my hamstrings started hurting one day and never stopped,” Crawford shrugs, shaking his head. “Then you compensate, and something else hurts.”

As a guy rapidly nearing 30 I can totally relate to my body just falling apart. My knees randomly hurt and I never played past high school.

And this:

“Lonely? Nah,” Crawford, who turned 36 last month, says from behind that wall. He gets that question a lot, and it’s easy to see why…It’s so funny, man,” he says. “I’d really like to get it on record: Everybody thinks I’m sad and lonely, and it’s just not the case. It’s not the case at all.”

I really was turning a corner on Carl Crawford. I was almost there. But then he starts up with THIS shit all over again. Even in retirement, collecting $22 million to do nothing, he still talks shit about Boston.

A naturally shy, private person, Crawford was no match for the high-volume baseball experience of Fenway Park. Former outfielder Torii Hunter was with the Los Angeles Angels at the time and attempted to recruit Crawford there, but the Boston money spoke louder. “I should have listened, man. They say, ‘Don’t go chasing waterfalls,” 

He hated Boston. The feeling was mutual. And after the Dodgers acquired him…he was more than happy to sling public arrows at Boston every chance he got. “I carried hate for that city for a long time,” Crawford says. “But now, I’m over that. I feel much better, because I learned that you can’t hate something or you never get over it. It definitely was a learning experience, definitely that. I got that out of it, if nothing else.”

Like we ruined his life. You were massively overpaid and massively underperformed and the city let you know about it. For better or for worse, thats Boston. We shit you not.

Picking Up the Pieces: Gambling NFL Week 3

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Overall Record (14-16)
Last week (8-7)
This week (6-9)

Whats that saying? Fall down 9 times, get up 10? Yea, well sometimes that applies to gambling, especially when you get your dick ripped out on the first game of the week on a backdoor cover. Rebounded nicely from our 0-5 start to finish the week at 6-9. Can’t win em all.

Thursday, Sept. 21
Los Angeles Rams (-2.5, 40) at San Francisco 49ers

Bad beat of the year. I wrote a blog entirely about how badly screwed anyone who took the Rams got on this one.
Our pick: Rams to cover the (-2.5) spread…they won by 2. So thats an L. (0-1)

Sunday, Sept. 24
Baltimore Ravens (-4, 39) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

What an absolute abortion this game was. Those poor London fans, even when Jacksonville is good they get a shit game. Jags put the smackdown on Flacco and the Ravens, winning 44-7. Yuck.
Our pick: Ravens to cover. Thats an L. (0-2)

Denver Broncos (-3, 40.5) at Buffalo Bills

This is shaping up to be a disaster for gamblers everywhere. Did not see the Broncos folding like they did in this one, especially after how well Trevor Siemian had played the first two games. Bills are now tied for first place in the AFC East.
Our pick: Broncos to cover. Thats an L. (0-3)

New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers (-6, 48)

Wrong again dickhead. Despite a 100+ yard receiving game from Christian McCaffrey, the Panthers couldn’t even put two touchdowns up as the Saints cruised to a 34-13 win. Damn.
Our pick: Panthers to cover. Thats an L. (0-4)

Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5, 45.5) at Chicago Bears

THIS WEDDING IS HORSESHIT. If you picked the Bears to beat the Steelers you are lying and I don’t associate with liars. Bears top Pittsburgh in OT behind Jordan Howards 34 points (on my fantasy bench).
Our pick: Steelers to cover. Thats a big L. (0-5)

Atlanta Falcons (-3, 49) at Detroit Lions

Okay if the Rams game was the bad beat of the year, this is the bad beat of the century IF you bet on the Lions. Thankfully I did not because I would have smashed my TV. Lions got a walkoff TD erased by a questionable replay review and per the rules the cluck had a 10-second runoff leaving the Lions with their dick in their hands at the 1 yard line.
Our pick: Falcons to cover. Thats a W! (1-5)

Cleveland Browns (-1.5, 40) at Indianapolis Colts

Here’s what I said last week: “This is the first game the Browns have been favored to win since 2015! So tread lightly here. But I like what I saw out of rookie receiver Rashard Higgins last week (7 catches, 95 yards) and the Colts are still starting the Patriots 3rd-string QB. While it is with great trepidation, I’m taking the Browns to cover. Well guess what? The Browns did not cover. Shocking, I know. And Rashard Higgins did nothing despite being freshly inserted into my fantasy lineup. Colts won 31-28.
Our pick: Browns to cover. Thats an L. (1-6)

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Minnesota Vikings (no line)

Westgate had no line on this game. Soo we didn’t bet it.

Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-13, 43.5)

Patriots won 36-33, but as we predicted last week the (-13) spread was way too heavy for the Pats to cover. Here’s what I said last week: “While I told anyone and everyone to bet their house on the Pats routing the Saints last week, I’m not as confident in predicting a blowout here. The Texans defense is legit, especially upfront. And if you’ve been paying attention over the years, these are the types of teams that usually give the Pats trouble (except for last year when Brissett and co. wrecked them). But Pats also have historically struggled with mobile QBs and Deshaun Watson is that dude. So while I think the Pats win, I’m picking the Texans to cover.”
Our pick: Texans to cover. Thats a W. (2-6)

Miami Dolphins (-6, 41.5) at New York Jets

Basically every shit team won this past week, wrecking my bets across the board. The Jets throttled Smokin Jay Cutler and the Dolphins 20-6. Did not see that one coming.
Our pick: Dolphins to cover. Thats an L. (2-7)

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (-6, 43)

Eagles won on a 61 yard FG as time expired, which was a goddamn BOOT. Eagles won, but only by 3 so they didn’t cover the (-6) point spread. What I said last week was “until ODB proves to me he is 100% I’m not picking the Giants because they’re just not that good without him. Plus Carson Wentz is playing well and Darren Sproles continues to be the most spry 34-year-old running back I’ve ever seen.” ODB looks to be back to his old self as he was scoring TDs and pretending to piss like a dog and I just jinxed Sproles who broke his arm AND tore his ACL on the SAME PLAY. What a disaster of a week.
Our pick: Eagles to cover. Thats an L. (2-8)

Seattle Seahawks at Tennessee Titans (-3, 43)

While the Seahawks seemingly are on the way back to being a solid offense again, the Titans topped them 33-27. I would like to just point out that even though I picked this game correctly, I also benched Russell Wilson on my fantasy team. And of course I lost because Dangeruss had 45 points on my bench. Goddamnit.
Our pick: Titans to cover. Thats a W. (3-8)

Cincinnati Bengals at Green Bay Packers (-9, 44.5)

Nailed this one. Packers won 27-24 “The Bengals are a walking disaster right now. Andy Dalton is having the worst start of his career and Tyler Eifert is back into injury purgatory (is he hurt? is he not?) so Cincy is a tough pick. The Packers don’t look like world beaters either though with Rodgers throwing a ton of shitty passes while under duress last week. Is Green Bay (-9) points better than Cincy? I say no, I think its a closer game than that as both teams are struggling. Bengals cover.”
Our pick: Bengals to cover. Thats a W. (4-8)

 

Kansas City Chiefs (-3, 46) at Los Angeles Chargers

DING DING DING. I may not get em all right, but when I tell you to put big bucks down, you better be listening. “The Chiefs are rolling, put some big bucks down on them to cover this week…I think KC is one of the best bets of the week to cover.”
Our pick: Chiefs to cover. Thats a W. (5-8)

 

Oakland Raiders (-3, 54) at Washington Redskins

Whoops. Raiders ate a bag of dicks in this game and the R-words got back on track as they topped Oakland 27-10. What is happening in the NFL this week?
Our pick: Raiders to cover. Thats an L. (5-9)

Monday, Sept. 25
Dallas Cowboys (-3, 47) at Arizona Cardinals

At least the Cowboys showed up in primetime to take care of business, despite a fantasy no-show from Cole Beasley, complete with hilarious response. Dak, Zeke and Dez all looked great. Money won is always sweeter than money earned.
Our pick: Cowboys cover. Thats a W. (6-9)

I am Officially Boycotting the CFL for Barring Johnny Manziel

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Bleacher Report – The CFL announced Wednesday that it has barred quarterback Johnny Manziel from signing a contract to play in the league during the 2017 season. While Johnny Football won’t be permitted to play north of the border in 2017, the CFL left the door open for him to join the league in 2018 provided he “meets certain conditions.” Manziel is on the Hamilton Tiger-Cats’ negotiation list, and the CFL announced earlier this month it had extended the team’s 10-day window to sign him so the league could independently evaluate him, per ESPN.com’s Kevin Seifert.By pushing the window back again to Nov. 30, Hamilton will have a chance to negotiate a contract with Manziel for 2018 following the conclusion of the 2017 campaign.

This is some straight up BULLSHIT. The CFL basically told Johnny sorry, try again next year, all while imposing a double secret probation.

No, seriously, they did that.

“Mr. Manziel will be eligible to sign a contract for the 2018 season and, if Mr. Manziel meets certain conditions that have been spelled out by the Commissioner, the CFL will register that contract. The specifics of those conditions are confidential and will not be disclosed.”

I bet even Josh Gordon read that and said, wow Johnny you’re really getting fucked here. So it is with much sadness that I must boycott the Canadian Football League until my boy Johnny Manziel is given the opportunity to tear up that goofy ass extra wide field with uprights in the endzone. #FreeJohnnyFootball

 

RIP Hugh Hefner: The GOAT of All GOATS 

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Michael Jordan. Tom Brady. Steve Jobs. Chuck Norris. These names represent the pinnacle of all that is man. And they don’t even TOUCH Hugh Hefner. The man truly was in a class of his own.

Just stop to think about his life for a minute and really break it down. The guy created a magazine and more importantly a brand where he made a fortune taking photos of beautiful women, threw elaborate parties, and just generally lived life on his own terms. He parlayed that into one of the most fantasy factory-esque establishments ever created in the Playboy Mansion. A place where naked women roamed and guests wore silk pajamas to gigantic parties all while Hef crushed everything in sight.

There is nobody in human history more synonymous with a place than Hef is with the Playboy Mansion. Not Derek Jeter and Yankee Stadium. Not Ted Danson and Cheers. Not even Robert Downey Jr and rehab. Hef WAS the the Playboy Mansion and thats why he was such a folk hero. The guy said fuck living a regular life and built his own dreamworld.

So pour one out for an absolute pioneer, a titan of industry, and a true American hero; Hugh Hefner. RIP Hef.

Rick Pitino Just Got Canned by Louisville and This Might be the End of the Road for Him

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Rick Pitino just got shitcanned by Louisville and it seems like this might be the end of the line for the controversial coach. Just one scandal after the next. There was the scandal with him banging the chick in the restaurant, the stripper parties that he threw an assistant coach under the bus for, and now this pay to play scandal. Guy is cooked. I think the term “lack of institutional oversight” gets thrown around a lot these days, but Pitino has that shit in spades.

 

And now Woj is tweeting out that Pitino had been putting out feelers on potential NBA jobs the past couple of years and there is “no interest.”

Ouch. College coaches always know when they’re in too deep and shits about to implode so thats when they start looking around. You think Pete Carroll just conveniently decided to take the Seattle Seahawks job right before the NCAA came down on USC for all the Reggie Bush sanctions? No way.

So now Pitino is out at Louisville after another massive scandal, there’s no interest from the NBA, and I’m sure he’ll have some kind of imposed multi-year suspension from coaching by the NCAA when this is all said and done. Theres no way another major school takes a shot on him potentially sinking their program too. Maybe we wind up seeing Pitino coaching Southern Connecticut or something down the line on the Isiah Thomas type comeback trail. I’d be remiss to not end this blog with the most Pitino-y Pitino moment of all time.

Is it a Psycho Move to Get a Custom License Plate?

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Vanity license plates have been all the rage ever since Cosmo Kramer became the AssMan, but, there has to be a line drawn somewhere right?

Not everyone’s nickname for themselves translate to license plate form. If I have to think about what your license plate means for more than 1 second then it fails the test. I don’t have time to study your license plate (except for the one this blog is about, but lets pretend here) while I’m bombing down 95. You have 1 second to make me laugh or nod in approval. And let me tell ya, PASTER, just ain’t doing it.

I texted my buddies asking what the FUCK does PASTER mean? And one of them immediately replies to me with one word; “Priest” like I’m an idiot. Not gonna lie, I was reading that in my head as Paste-er, like he’s the Taster or something. WHAT THE FUCK IS A PASTER? I don’t know, I’m still not convinced that guy was a priest. Lesson of the day? Vanity license plates are ephemeral. Make sure you got something good before dropping $200 on the right to be more easily identified by police.

Dwyane Wade Close to Signing with the Cavs, Which Can Only Mean One Thing

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ESPN – Twelve-time NBA All-Star guard Dwyane Wade is nearing a commitment to sign with the Cleveland Cavaliers and could finalize his decision as soon as Wednesday, league sources told ESPN.Wade, who agreed to a contract buyout with Chicago, will clear waivers on Wednesday and become an unrestricted free agent. Wade has been intrigued by the idea of rejoining LeBron James on the Cavaliers. Wade and James are longtime friends and won two championships and made four trips to the NBA Finals as teammates on with the Miami Heat.

THE BANANA BOAT IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER!

When LeBron was at the peak of his powers no one, save for Tim Duncan, could stop him. That Miami Heat team is one of the most dominant teams we’ve seen in a long time, which people are quick to forget because of how dominant the Warriors have become since LeBron left Miami. Its like every move villain ever. One falls and another pops up to take its place. So Bron Bron is calling in the reinforcements. He’s getting the Banana Boat back together. When times were simpler and LeBron was bullying teams en route to back to back championships. Back then Super Teams were fun because he was on the best one. Unfortunately Chris Paul is already in Houston, but maybe with 2/3 Banana Boat power levels LeBron and D-Wade can do some damage.

PS – How awesome must it be to be so fucking rich that you negotiate a buyout of your GUARANTEED $23 million salary to go play with your buddies for 10% of that and not even bat an eye. Goddamn.

“Wade, 35, is eligible to sign a one-year, $2.3 million veterans minimum contract with the Cavaliers…Wade gave back $8 million of his $23.8 million 2017-18 salary to reach a buyout agreement, league sources said.”

Las Vegas Golden Knights Inscribe Season Ticket Member Names Under the Ice

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NHL – It will be the first time the Golden Knights ever take the ice for a game at T-Mobile Arena…To represent a city that’s never had a major league franchise of its own to cheer for, to be a rallying point for people in this area who recognize this place as home more than a place to visit on vacation….Just inside the blue line on the end of the ice the Golden Knights defends twice will be inscribed the names of all the team’s season ticket members. So as much as visiting teams will have to defeat Vegas, the team, they’ll also have to defeat Vegas, the people… “That it was feasible, if we wanted to do something special on the ice, that we had the ability to put texture to something on the ice, before the laid the last round of it.”

This idea is so fire that it might actually melt the Golden Knight’s ice. Being a season ticket holder for any team usually means having the opportunity to fork over thousands of dollars and buy $10 dollar beers while maybe getting access to a couple extra events and press conferences.

But this? Getting your name permanently inscribed under the ice as one of the inaugural season ticket members? That is some badass legacy right there. Props to Vegas for having some new ideas of how to entice and engage fans rather than the same old bullshit everyone else does. Take a look at the process below and check out the video here.

Cowboys Receiver Cole Beasley Just Ethered Some Fantasy Football Nerd

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You come at the king, you best not miss. Cole Beasley just put this fantasy football owner in a goddamn body bag.

You just heard two sounds. One was Cole hitting Enter on his keyboard, the other was this kid hitting the ground. You have to love the utterly absurd phrase of “Don’t mother fuck me bro.” I’m gonna have to start working that into conversations from now on. If you’re gonna shit talk Cole Beasley about his fantasy football production then be prepared to face the repercussions.

Don’t worry Cole, I got you.

Patriots Charged Fans $5 for Cups of Tap Water After They Ran Out of Bottles

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ESPN – A New England Patriots spokesperson apologized Monday, a day after the team charged fans at least $4.50 for tap water at Gillette Stadium. With the temperature hitting an unseasonably high 86 degrees in Foxborough, Massachusetts, the team doubled its inventory of water bottles for Sunday’s game, the Boston Globe reported. That was almost four times the inventory for an average game. The problem was that each concession stand could hold only so many bottles. When the on-hand supply ran dry, fans started asking for cups of tap water — and, according to numerous tweets, were charged $4.50 or $5 per soda cup.

What a bunch of cocksuckers. If you run out of bottled water thats not my problem, go run to Tedeschi’s. That does not give you an excuse to charge people $5 for a cup of unfiltered toilet water. Unless that crisp Abraham Lincoln I just gave you comes with a free Budweiser, then I should not be held liable for flipping over the whole goddamn snack stand.

God forbid some elderly lady croaked in the 90 degree heat because she didn’t have $5 on her. I better be getting a souvenir cup and a coupon for a free fucking bottle of water if you’re trying to charge me for Foxborough sink agua.