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Time to Make the Donuts

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Its Monday morning. You don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna be here. So lets all put back a couple coffees this AM to make it through the day. To get your week started though, lets take a look back at last night’s web gem by Jackie Bradley Jr. to rob Aaron Judge of a home run. It’s understandable if you missed the play since Game of Thrones was back last night.

Aaron Judge himself had no choice but to tip his cap to JBJ for that robbery.

Even the Red Sox official Twitter account was chirping the Yankees and John Sterling’s catchphrase for Judge.

Who Was the Worst Red Sox Contract of All Time? I’ve Made It Easy for You

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Update: It was pointed out to me the compiled Batting Averages were calculated wrong, so those numbers and the graphic have been updated in the post below.

So as everyone knows by now, the Red Sox designated Pablo Sandoval for assignment today. Look the Red Sox have given out a lot of shitty contracts over the years. Thats what big market teams do. You throw money at problems that other teams can’t afford to do. Except the problem with that is by definition free agents are most often older players who rarely live up to the pay day. You’re usually paying for past performance and almost always are eating money towards the end of the contract when the player is a shell of what he once was. Which is fine. I accept that.

BUT, when you have guys that are a disaster from Day 1 and can’t even make it through an entire 162 games then you have a huge problem.

So who was the worst Red Sox contract of all time? Well looking back over the years the two names that standout as the frontrunners are soft-ass Carl Crawford (who STILL complains about his 2 seasons in Boston) and the recently departed Sandoval. While a lot of people want to say Crawford is the worse deal because of how toxic his attitude was and how bad his play was, its got to be the Panda. Look, I made a spreadsheet to make it easy for you.

Although Sandoval was here for parts of 3 seasons and Crawford only two, due to DL stints by both, their total number of games played for the Red Sox is the EXACT SAME at 161. Which makes this the perfect sample size.

Compared to Sandoval, Crawford had more:

  • Runs Scored
  • Hits
  • Doubles
  • Triples (shocking)
  • RBIs
  • Stolen Bases (Panda with the elusive 0 in that category).

Now want to compare their slash lines as members of the Red Sox?

  • Pablo .236/.303/.360
  • Crawford .260/.296/.418

Both completely SUCKED for guys who had signed gargantuan contracts. Granted Crawford’s deal was for $142 million to Pablo’s measly $95 million, but Pablo has been so bad that they’re gonna have to eat the last 2+ years of it. At least the Red Sox were able to dump Crawford onto the Dodgers. So while Crawford signed a much larger deal, he wasn’t so far gone that another team thought “Hey Boston is a bitch to play in, we can turn this around.” Barring an even more stunning deal than the Crawford/Gonzalez/Beckett Dodgers heist, there’s no getting out of this one.

So yea, the Kung Fu fucking Panda is by far the worst contract in Red Sox history.

The Muppets Just Fired Kermit

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Yahoo – The former puppeteer behind Kermit the Frog has spoken out after being replaced earlier this week, saying in a blog post that he was fired by Disney. In a post on Muppet Pundit on Wednesday, Steve Whitmire wrote that he was told that the famous Muppet would be recast last October, assuring fans that he would never have quit the role voluntarily.

What an atrocity. Well I guess technically Kermit will live on, but the guy who voiced and muppeteered (thats a word right?) the famous green frog just got kicked to the curb by the Muppets. And you wanna know why? Because content is king.

“Whitmire took on the role in 1990 after creator Jim Henson’s death. His successor Matt Vogel — who voiced Kermit’s evil doppelganger in 2014’s “Muppets Most Wanted” — will become only the third performer to play Kermit since the character’s inception.”

The Muppets literally replaced him with the guy that voiced “Kermit’s evil doppleganger.” The Muppets ain’t stupid. Along with the rest of us they witnessed the creation of a first ballot Hall-of-Fame meme this year. Evil Kermit.

If the Muppets can bring me more Evil Kermit then I will forget about this injustice. I will not take vengeance on the Henson family for firing Kermit. As long as we can get the dark, hooded Kermit telling us all to embrace our inner Id. Those are my terms.

 

PS – Even the spinoffs of the Evil Kermit meme were great.

Atlanta Falcons to Sell Beers for $5. What Are You Up to Arthur Blank?

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Yahoo – In a world of constant inflation and outrageous stadium food prices, the Atlanta Falcons could emerge as one of the most fan-friendly teams in all of sports. Atlanta’s new home turf, Mercedes-Benz Stadium, is set to open its doors on August 26, and once it does, Falcons fans will be able to buy concessions at prices most fans can only dream of.

$5 beers? $2 refillable cokes? $2 hot dogs? In this day and age of greedy asshole billionaire owners pinching every penny out of their franchises though I have to ask….what are you up to Arthur Blank? What’s the catch? Do I have to wear my 1994 Starter jacket to redeem these throwback prices?

I’m suspicious. Its like when the Red Sox did $5 beer night a couple of years ago. It was for April games only and the beers were the size of cough syrup cups.

Absurdly low prices? I feel like that guy from the Burger King commercial.

Then again if your team just blew the biggest lead in Super Bowl history and lost in absolutely agonizing fashion to give Tom Brady his 5th ring you’d probably wanna do something to make sure the fans actually showed up the following season. Smart. Arthur Blank didn’t build all those Home Depots by accident.

BREAKING: KFC is Getting Into the Merch Game

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Yes, you read that right. Kentucky Fried Chicken is getting into the merch game and I couldn’t be happier. Sure, I only eat KFC once or twice a decade, but KFC merch? Justtt stupid enough for me to buy.

This reminds me of a few years ago when the United States Postal Service was so underwater financially that they started selling the shit mailmen wore to deliver your mail. Legit USPS hats like the one below. And goddamnit I’ll never forgive myself for not copping one.

I don’t know why I love retarded merch I just do. Maybe its that top notch public school education. Come on YOU CAN EVEN BUY THE COLONEL’S TIE!

But of course the one thing I truly need, this absolutely baller poster print of the Colonel counting stacks, is sold out. Goddamnit. It’s like the USPS hat incident all over again.

This is It. This is How I Die. Alcoholic Mountain Dew.

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If you’ve ever wanted to pretend to be Aerys Targaryen and down a bottle of Wildfire, well this stuff is for you.

For anyone that knows me you know I will die defending Mountain Dew as the greatest drink the world has ever seen. It’s delicious, green poison and it had shit tons of caffeine before Red Bull was even a thing. Hell, back in college I was so broke I used to have a giant Mountain Dew and a pack of Reese’s for dinner.

BUT, I have always been extremely cautious about what I mix my booze with. You ever drink too much of a certain type of alcohol and its ruined for you forever? That’s vodka for me. The worst part about it though is that as an 18 year old you’re mixing booze with all kinds of shit and screwdrivers were the drink of choice my freshman year for whatever reason. I still remember laying in my bunk bed hung over as all hell from a bottle of Vladimir watching the NFL Draft (when it was still on Saturday afternoons). The worst part? It ruined OJ for me. I couldn’t drink orange juice for YEARS after that.

So now theres an alcoholic Mountain Dew? I want to try it. I need to try it. But its dangerous territory. I’m gonna have to force myself to just sip it like I’m taking communion because if I black out on Mountain Dew booze and ruin the soda for myself I don’t know if I can continue on in this world.

DraftKings WNBA is Here and I’m Already Gambling On It

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I am going to have so. much. action. on WNBA games this year. I wrote about this back when the news first dropped and I am just as excited now as I was then.

Finding a WNBA jersey on the racks of AJ Wright (RIP) or Mashalls though has been my white whale. As a huge proponent of ugly and outlandish jerseys I need a WNBA representative in my collection. Hell in college we even had a gigantic, life size Diana Taurasi cutout in our dorm.

Now will I actually watch any of the games? Of course not. Not until one of the ladies can dunk without it making national headlines. And don’t tell me its a more pure game because its “more about the fundamentals than athleticism.” FOH with that. Go start a league with Tim Duncan and everyone can practice their form on jumpers from the elbow.

BUT, allow me to gamble on it? Now I am IN. Its really a shame Bob Kraft hasn’t bought a WNBA team and brought it to the Garden because I would be there front row for that shit. Plus everyone has already mastered NBA and NFL DraftKings so I’m basically burning my money when I play daily fantasy there. WNBA though? That has got to be an untapped market. Not too many WNBA experts walking the streets. Except me of course. So with that being said The 300s officially launched our DraftKings WNBA league this week. Ladies jersey of your choice to the winner.

PS – How bullshit is it that dunks don’t count as extra points?

Episode 008 of The 300s Podcast (VIDEO)

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Aaaand we’re back. Episode 008 of The 300s Podcast is hot off the presses and we’re diving into the Celtics offseason, grading Danny Ainge’s recent moves and the Paul George situation. We also debut The 300s Ballpark Reviews with the Miami Marlins, how Aaron Judge has put the fear of god into Red Sox fans, the dominance of Chris Sale and we ask what is wrong with David Price? LETS GET IT.

Paul George Now Says He May Not Sign With Lakers Next Year

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Yahoo – “I grew up a Lakers and a Clippers fan,” George says. “I idolized Kobe. There will always be a tie here, a connection here. People saying I want to come here, who doesn’t want to play for their hometown? That’s a dream come true, if you’re a kid growing up on the outskirts of L.A., to be the man in your city. But it’s definitely been overstated. For me, it’s all about winning. I want to be in a good system, a good team. I want a shot to win it. I’m not a stats guy. I’m playing this game to win and build a legacy of winning. I’ve yet to do that. I’m searching for it. If we get a killer season in Oklahoma, we make the conference finals or upset the Warriors or do something crazy, I’d be dumb to want to leave that.” “It’s too early for L.A.,” he says. “It would have to be a situation where the ball gets rolling and guys are hopping on. This guy commits, that guy commits. ‘Oh s—, now there’s a team forming.’ It has to be like that.”
“I’m in OKC, so hopefully me and Russ do a good enough job and make it to the conference finals and love the situation, why not recruit someone to come build it with us? I’m open in this whole process.”

Live look at every Celtics fan who didn’t want to trade for Paul George without an extension first.

Now I’m sure Paul George is just being smart by not burning his bridges in OKC before he even gets there. Just letting the fans know that if all goes well then who knows, maybe he does stay. So maybe he’s just playing politics here.

But if he’s not…Then this make Danny Ainge look like an asshole. If the Thunder have a good season and George decides to stay because the Lakers are, ya know, still a dumpster fire of a team, then that is a disaster.

Now I wasn’t exactly clamoring for Danny to give up the farm for a guy on a 1-year rental, but man people will have a field day roasting Ainge for that one. I can understand Paul George wanting to go play for his hometown team, but if they’re still a lottery team and if LeBron stays in Cleveland, then why would he want to go there? Go play for your hometown team just to get waxed and not even make the playoffs? Fuck that. Get out of Indy, link up with a new team that actually has a shot of winning and stay there and try and build there. You can always live in LA the other half of the year when you’re not playing basketball. So I guess we’ll see, but if PG13 doesn’t sign with LA next year then the Celtics will have missed a huge opportunity.