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The NBA Offseason is the Offseason We Deserve

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The NBA Offseason is a goddamn rollercoaster of emotions and its the only thing keeping me entertained until football starts up again. We got Chris Paul to the Rockets, Paul George and Gordon Hayward possibly to the Celtics, Carmelo Anthony trying to get a buyout from the Knicks, the Porzingis trade rumors, the Celtics trading the No. 1 overall pick, the Lavar Big Baller Brand bullshit, and not to mention Phil Jackson getting shitcanned by the Knicks.

The NBA offseason is literally overflowing with storylines and gives us the juice we need. It beats the hell out of every other sport’s offseason where big moves are few and far between.

I don’t really care to get into every team in the NBA’s salary cap situation because that is a goddamn rabbit hole. So I know half these teams either don’t have the cap space or the assets to bring in max guys, but now we got teams like the Rockets reportedly trying to bring in Paul George. Ya know, the same Paul George that the Celtics are trying to trade for and pair with Hayward, IT, and Horford.

Basically all the reports are saying that the Celtics need to wait until the start of free agency to sign Gordon Hayward before they can (or would even want to) trade for George. So I guess I’ll just sit here with my dick in my hand until July 1st.

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Red Sox Win, Moreland Homers Again and Farrell Takes a Dig at Hanley

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After topping the Angels with Chris Sale picking up win No. 10, Craig Kimbrel going 1-2-3 in the 9th for the save and Mitch Moreland homering in his 3rd straight game, John Farrell praised his guys for persevering. But mostly he took a pretty subtle (read: blatant) dig at guys like Hanley Ramirez for being soft.

Last night Hanley sat out because he had a sore knee. Before that he had a sore shoulder. Then of course there’s the whole debacle of Hanley not being able (read: willing) to play first base because all the throwing hurts his shoulder. Meanwhile Mitch Moreland is balling out, hitting bombs and playing the field with a broken fucking toe. So it would seem like Farrell’s over it. Especially with bums like Pablo Sandoval in and out of the lineup, its time to start cutting the dead weight.

I like this new Farrell. Blowing up on umpires and calling out guys for being assholes. Lets get more of this Farrell and less of the robot Farrell.

If the Red Sox want to go anywhere come October they’re gonna need guys like Hanley and David Price to get their sit together. Otherwise this is gonna be a reaaally expensive team to get knocked out in the first round. Not to mention, the more the team struggles the more Dave Dombrowski’s collar gets a little tighter. This guy has traded just about all of the Red Sox top prospects in a concerted effort to win now. Except most of the guys he’s traded for have either gotten hurt (Tyler Thornburg, Carson Smith) or just straight up sucked (David Price). Obviously guys like Kimbrel and Sale have been lights out this year, but that was another half dozen prospects to acquire those two. So if this team doesn’t pick it up soon then thats another wasted year for a veteran team with a more narrow win-now mindset.

Lets Officially Clear Up What Makes a Super Team in the NBA

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I am tired of everyone pointing out the other Super Teams around the NBA just to make LeBron feel better. They had multiple great players, see they’re a Super Team too. LeBron “I’ve never been on a Super Team” James can cut the shit.

People pointing to the 2008 Celtics as an example of one is what really drives me nuts. Listen, in my mind a Super Team is a team created when the AAU super friends get together, whether its at the Olympics, offseason events, or riding banana boats together with your besties, and decide hey lets all work together to put ourselves on the same team. Which is exactly what LeBron, D Wade and Bosh did with the Heat. They constructed that shit themselves intentionally.

You ever play Madden with a Fantasy Draft team and just ROLL through the league? Yea while it sounds fun going 19-0 with some fake team, you don’t really feel the same accomplishment than when you scrap by as a Wild Card team and win the SB on All-Madden with your auto-generated backup QB because Tom Brady broke his fucking wrist in Week 4.

The 08 Celtics were a team put together by the GM through trades. Danny was shaking hands and kissing babies to put together that team.

Sure they had 3 Hall of Famers on the same team, but one of them didn’t even want to come here in KG. Thats a great, championship winning team built through trades and the draft (who do you think Danny traded to get Ray and KG?).

Rather than 3 assholes sitting on a boat saying you know what forget this team and this city, lets all join up and play together! And as much as I’ll always be like a disappointed parent in Durant going to the Warriors, even that team was built primarily through the draft. Super Team is the new buzzword of the NBA, but however you define it LeBron you sure as shit were on a few of them. End rant.

ESPN Asks Who Are the Best QBs in Patriots History? Hmm

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ESPN asked the question of who are the 5 greatest Patriots QBs of all time? Let me stop you right there ESPN.

Tom Brady.  Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Because I spit hot fire.

But, seriously why is this even a list? The best 5 quarterbacks in Patriots history? Tom Brady is No. 1 and then Alex Guerrero is No. 2 for providing Brady with all of his (completely legal) TB12 voodoo magic to play at an MVP level at the age of 40. Then I guess maybe Drew Bledsoe at 3. That’s it.

In case you’re curious how the world-wide leader ranked the top QB’s in Patriots history:

  1. Tom Brady
  2. Drew Bledsoe
  3. Steve Grogan
  4. Babe Parilli
  5. Jim Plunkett
  6. Tony Eason

Uber Will Now Deliver a Big Mac to Your Front Door

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Uber, you sly sonofabitch! Look I knew UberEats was a thing because they email me about it reminding me its a thing, but I’ve got GrubHub to handle that. I don’t really want the modern day cab driver handling my food delivery. Stay in your lane, Uber. But, today I get this Woj Bomb about UberEats??

“Prepare your tastebuds! McDonald’s is now at your fingertips with UberEATS. In just a few taps you can have the McDonald’s you love, delivered to you at Uber speed, whenever you’re craving it.”

They’re going to deliver McDonalds? To my house? And I don’t have to take the 10 minutes to hit the drive through? Sign me the fuck up.

GrubHub, you have officially been put on notice. Uber already put the cab industry out of business and they’re shedding dead weight left and right (read: they fired their CEO) so who’s next? Oh GrubHub, you’re a business that relies solely on people’s laziness and other people driving for them? Welp, as Jon Taffer would say, shut it the fuck down. We’re coming for that ass. The fact that I can order a Big Mac from my couch and I don’t even have to put the PS4 sticks down is a gamechanger. Bulking season can’t start back up soon enough.

Tonight the Red Sox Will Retire #34 for David Ortiz

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David Ortiz will be the last Red Sox player to ever wear #34 as it will go up on the right field deck tonight. It’s a weird feeling seeing the players you grew up with, the players who won titles for your favorite team, the guys who became legends in front of your eyes, its a weird feeling seeing their number get retired.

The first one was obviously Pedro Martinez as he got his #45 retired by the Sox in 2015. Now Pedro had one of the greatest runs a pitcher has ever had in the history of the game, but he was only on the team from 98-04 and won one title with the Sox. Even then he was the c0-ace on the team behind Schilling. But, Ortiz was on the Sox for 14 fucking years and was THE guy on 3 World Series winning teams. Walkoff hits became so routine with him that people legit expected it when he stepped to the plate.

Of all the huge home runs David Ortiz hit, the one I’ll never forget was his grand slam against the Tigers in the 2013 ALCS.

The Sox were down 1-0 in the series, were getting smoked in Game 2 and staring down the barrel at Detroit’s daunting starting rotation. It seemed like a Game 2 loss probably would have killed any chance at winning the series. In steps Ortiz, who hits a motherfucking grand slam to tie the game. I was sitting in the bleachers that game and I’ve never heard Fenway louder than it was right then. And it of course made a goddamn celebrity out of bullpen cop Steve Horgan for his famous celebration.

Obviously the Sox went on to win the World Series where David Ortiz batted .688. The guy hit just under fucking .700 in the World Series. That is unbelievable. That is legendary.

2013 was an emotional season after the Boston Marathon bombing in April so that whole season and especially that playoff run was something the city needed. David Ortiz wasn’t just an iconic player, he was the face of the franchise, a folk hero and someone people genuinely liked. So it was particularly fitting when he took the mic on April 20th, 2013 and gave the entire city a rallying cry that will forever be synonymous with Ortiz.

David Ortiz will likely be the first DH to go into the Hall of Fame and rightfully so. He’s already got a bridge and a street named after him. One day the guy will have a statue outside of Fenway and we can tell our kids how we saw him become the most feared hitter in the game, how he became the biggest star in the toughest market in all of sports, how he became Big Papi.

Rapid Reaction to the Celtics Draft Night: #WycFireworks Postponed (Again)

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So after all the hype, the rumors, and the Woj Bombs I think a lot of people were expecting the Celtics to make a trade Thursday night, but ultimately they stood pat and drafted their guy Jayson Tatum at No. 3. Again.

Look I fully admit I’m not a college basketball expert so I wasn’t going nuts over who they should draft. It sounds like Tatum will be a good fit, a guy who can get to the basket and create offense on his own, which is exactly what the Celtics need.

But, now we’re hearing rumors about the Celtics STILL being in on a potential Paul George trade.

All I’m saying is, the last 3 years have been full of trade speculation and Wyc shouting from the rooftops to expect fireworks.

Well, I don’t know how much more of the “Celtics are in on player X” I can take. First it was Jimmy Butler (who got traded to Minny last night), then it was Paul George, then it was Kristaps Porzingis. In years past it was Kevin Love and Carmelo Anthony. Now everyone’s already got Gordon Hayward penciled into the starting 5 next season, despite the fact that he’d have to eat like $30-$40 million dollars to leave Utah. Its a merry go round and I’ve been on it way too long. I’ll keep my Woj notifications on, but I refuse to get hyped for anything until Woj tells me its happening. Anthony Davis is not walking through that door.

Minor League Baseball Team to Honor Bat Dog With Awesome Jerseys

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Yahoo – At Trenton Thunder games, you don’t just enjoy a hot dog and a beer. You also enjoy a bat dog and a beer. The New York Yankees Double-A affiliate has used canines in lieu of bat boys for years now. Since 2008, that role has been filled mainly by Derby, the son of the team’s former bat dog Chase. On Monday, the Thunder will honor Derby by wearing jerseys with his face on them. It’s pretty adorable, if you ask us.

Using bat dogs is without a doubt the best thing any minor league team does. Now what is the second best thing? Absolutely ridiculous promo jerseys. Whether its Star Wars night or I remember a team once did Seinfeld night, they’re always awesome and I need to buy one. But combing dope nonsensical jerseys with bat dogs? And you can bring your dog to the game too? Thats a fucking winner right there. I mean just look at these beauties.

I would wear the shit out of that thing. I still have yet to witness a bat dog in person. I was late to a Fisher Cats game in NH last summer and missed the first inning. Apparently Ollie, who is actually the brother of the Trenton bat dog Derby, only works the first inning and now he’s retired. So to say I was devastated is an understatement. Need a bat dog at Fenway. Wally, Tessie and all the little bat boys can kick rocks. Get me a golden retriever on the field and I’ll listen to Jerry Remy’s rants on Asian translators on day long.

Some of the best minor league jerseys I could scope out are below.

Kate Beckinsale Now Has a 21 Year Old Boyfriend. Niceee

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Yahoo – Looks like Kate Beckinsale might have a hot new flame. The actress was spotted passionately kissing 21-year-old comedian Matt Rife on Tuesday in West Hollywood outside Villa Lounge restaurant.

Niceee. There’s not really much to say here aside except kudos to the kid. Someone get him his Luckiest Boy in America medal STAT.

Beckinsale is an all-time talent and this kid pulled her with barely any playing time at the major league level. That’s what they call a phenom. Potentially a once in a generation talent. Like the Bryce Harper of slinging stick.

“Rife is a comedian best known for his appearances on Nick Cannon‘s MTV show Wild ‘N Out and also does stand-up.”

Ahh so close. A regular on Nick Cannon’s Wild ‘N Out? That’s curtains for the young gun. Another cautionary tale to all the up and comers.