Science Strikes Again Says Red Bull and Vodka Like Cocaine

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Evening Standard – Drinking vodka with Red Bull has a similar effect on the brain as taking cocaine, experts warn…Dr Richard van Rijn, from Purdue University, Indiana, said: “It seems the two substances together push them over a limit that causes changes in their behaviour and changes the neurochemistry in their brains.”

Gee you don’t say? This terribly destructive concoction resembles another more powerful drug? Listen I love a good red bull vodka once in a while as much as the next sorority girl, but there’s a trend here no? Drink, get drunk, brainstorm, discover new way to get drunker faster. It’s what colleges were built on.

Don’t want to actually do drugs? Okay take a shot through your eye ball or shotgun this Four Loko. Figure out what’ll kill me and back it off a bit. Teenagers and college kids looking to get blitzed; science strikes again. If we’re being honest, this story does nothing but cause red bull vodka sales to soar. I doubt that was the intended effect, go figure.

Dion Lewis Almost Ready to Complete Patriots Voltron

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NFL.com – NFL Network Insider Ian Rapoport reported Wednesday that running back Dion Lewis is expected to return to practice this week, per a source. The elusive back started the season on the physically unable to perform list after tearing his ACL last season in early November. His return to practice opens a 21-day window in which he must be activated to the 53-man roster or placed on season-ending injured reserve.

Dion Lewis is almost back. In a word:

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But seriously, is there nothing the rest of the NFL can do to stop the Pats pain train? Got off to a solid start at 3-1, Tom Brady came back in Week 5 and has played OK (i.e. “Leads the NFL in Every Meaningful Category“), Martellus Bennett is flashing his potential with 3 TD games, Gronk is healthy and now we got Dion about to come back? If he can play anywhere close to how he played last year, which is a big if, the Patriots will literally be unstoppable. Dion essentially completes the Patriots version of Voltron (or the Megazord if you’re more of a live action anime kind of guy) and that scares every other team in the NFL.

They’ll have arguably the best player at almost every offensive position on the field. The best QB, the best TE, the best inside receiver, the best No. 2 TE and one of if not the best receiving backs in the league.

Who do you cover? Double Gronk and hope for the best? Good luck. The Bills tried that last year and Lewis went off for 6 catches for 98 yards, 40 yards rushing and a TD. Opposing head coaches and D coordinators are going to start doing a Hue Jackson and just take off their headsets conceding defeat. God it’s good to be a Patriots fan. Now everyone keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times and eat your goddamn vitamins.

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ESPN Now Groveling at the Feet of Bill Belichick

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Now hold the goddamn phone ESPN. Just because Tom Brady is finally back and Belichick held down the fort at 3-1 with 2nd and 3rd string QB’s you think you can just float this puff piece past my desk and I’ll forget about the last 18 months? I don’t think so. I will read every word of this article and I will love it. But I will not forget what you did to my friends in Foxborough. You started a witch hunt, you refused to acknowledge false reports by Chris Mortensen, which turned this little equipment violation into the shit storm we refer to today as Deflategate.

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So no ESPN, I do not accept your apology. Hell, Brady might be the first player to win MVP only playing 12 games. The most competitive guy in the NFL, you think deep down, he may be a little ticked that people are saying “Look the Pats don’t even need Brady, they’re 3-1!” Like Brady is some scrub and the Pats could go to 6 Super Bowls with Rex Grossman under center? Oh, this is gonna be fun.

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Tom Brady is Back and It’s Like He Never Left

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TB12 is back and I have to admit, I am extremely disappointed in the local media. Aside from two tweets of random guys with a couple pics of Brady playing catch around town, there’s been ZERO news or info on him. And the sunbathing pics don’t count because that was over in Italy, I’m talking strictly local media guys. Brady is legit Boston royalty, well really more like a Mob Boss. Because no one reported anything on what he was up to like they feared getting kneecapped as retribution. All my Brady news came from Wes Welker and TMZ. No one even asked him about the pics and I don’t think anyone even thought about bothering Tom on his 4 week vacation. You don’t disturb the boss when he’s busy. More important than any one man’s life… is order. Some straight Keyser Soze shit.

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Tebow Going for Round 2 in New York: Godspeed

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Former NFL quarterback, Tim Tebow smiles during a work out for baseball scouts and the media during a showcase on the campus of the University of Southern California, Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2016 in Los Angeles. The Heisman Trophy winner works out for a big gathering of scouts on USC's campus in an attempt to start a career in a sport he hasn't played regularly since high school. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

SB Nation – It’s official: Tim Tebow is a professional baseball player, and he didn’t even have to sign with an independent league team to get there. The Mets made him a member of their organization by announcing a deal on Thursday morning, and Tebow’s next step will be to head to Instructional League in — where else — Florida.

Now I love Tim Tebow, but this guy has got to be suicidal. Signing with a New York team. Again. I know he probably wasn’t fielding a dozen offers, but you would think if you really want to make this work you may want to limit distractions or you know, horribly negative fans chirping you all day. Especially after already playing in NY once for the Jets. And that was an unmitigated disaster.

Maybe he’s a glutton for punishment, or maybe he really does just enjoy the limelight and wanted to be as close to the action as possible. Well, that should wear off after the 5th 9 hour long bus ride. Just watch that Michael Jordan 30 for 30 and you’ll be over it real quick. Best athlete of our generation and he barely hit over the Mendoza line.

Or you could ya know play fullback or something and be playing in the NFL every single week. Won’t switch positions, but I will switch sports. Hey, at least I can add to my collection of Tebow jerseys that I buy at Marshalls for $8 in a few months. Still got the Tebow Patriots shirt in rotation. Collector’s item.

Jerry Colangelo and USA Basketball Tell the Rest of the World to Get Their Shit Together

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Courtesy of Bleacher Report

Courtesy of Bleacher Report

Yahoo – “I’m all for raising the bar for global basketball,” Colangelo said. “The more interest in basketball on all levels, I’m for. I’m a lifer of the game. Basketball is the No.2 sport in the world. We just need to see these other countries get their acts together and become more competitive. I’m not going to be making any excuses.

Love it. The cockiest thing I’ve heard from a pro sports executive in a long time. Listen, did the USA Basketball team have a few tight games that reminded people of the disastrous Athens team? Sure. But did they take care of business and then absolutely dismantle Serbia in the GOLD MEDAL game? 100% So Colangelo has every right to tell the rest of the world to get their shit together.

“One of the officials said to me, ‘You oughta play with four.’ I said, ‘No, maybe the other teams oughta get their act together and compete.’ We’ve been helping in basketball around the world for 50 years. We’ve taught the world the game. We’ve taught their coaches.”

Basically telling everyone, hey we taught you the game 50 years ago, time to figure it out or we will continue to bash your brains in. Your choice.

It’s definitely awesome to wreck other countries on the court for years, hell the USA team hasn’t lost a game since 2006, but at some point it’s like playing Madden on Easy Mode. Sure it’s great to win, but it’s the challenge that makes it the most satisfying. Remember trading blows with the Gasols and Spain in 2012? That was a helluva game that made the Gold seem like we really earned it. This year it kind of seemed like the rest of the world just sucked and we showed up to the medal ceremony by default. But hey a win is a win is a win.

Tom Brady Loses His Shit After Dropping a Game of Ping Pong; Cements Reputation as Legendary Competitor

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Yahoo Sports – “He’s the best teammate,” Amendola said of Brady. “He’s so competitive and what-not. I remember one story. It was my first week in the building. He wanted to play some ping-pong. I didn’t really know how to go about it. I know I was better than him. I didn’t want to beat him too bad because I wanted him to throw me the ball. “I knew I was better. Needless to say, his competitive nature unleashed a broken paddle by the end of it. It the reason why we love him, and the reason why he’s the best quarterback.”

What a phenomenal story; Tom Brady losing in a game of ping pong and just losing his shit and smashing the paddle into 1,000 pieces. It only adds to the legend that is Tom Brady. Listen, anyone can win 4 Super Bowl titles, multiple MVPs and Super Bowl MVPs, but it comes down to the uber, ultra competitive guys that go down as legends. Like Michael Jordan doing anything necessary to win, playing mental warfare with guys like the time he wrecked Muggsy Bogues’ career by pulling up in a playoff game and telling him “Shoot it you fucking midget.”

Or how about Kobe Bryant now that he’s retired legit naming his new company “13.” Chris Sacca shared a story of how Kobe landed on that name on Bill Simmons’ podcast relaying,  “Can you believe they drafted 12 other motherfuckers before me? He still wears that, man.”

And then of course, the classic story of a young Dustin Pedroia training at the famed Athletes Performance Institute in Arizona playing ping pong and shit talking 6’4″ Brady Quinn: “I’m going to rip this ball right off your throat,” Pedroia told him.

I want guys on my teams that lose their minds about losing in anything. Not the JD Drew’s and Adrian Gonzalez’s of the world who could give a shit.

P.S. – I’d be remiss to not mention Rajon Rondo just hammering little kids in Connect Four. Savage.

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LeBron James Goes Full Dwight Schrute With This Quote

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ESPN – “I don’t think anyone was prepared for me returning and understanding what the situation was going to entail,” James said when asked how prepared Irving was for his role to change with James back in the fold two years ago. “I mean, that’s everyone here. You know, they had gone through some losing seasons in my previous stint before I came back, so they knew they were getting a pretty good basketball player and a great leader and a good person, and someone that was going to command excellence.”

Listen, I’m glad LeBron won a title for Cleveland. Cleveland can officially come off suicide watch now. Hell, ESPN is even updating the 30 for 30 Believeland to reflect the Cavaliers title. It’s hard to hate on LeBron the player, but it will never, ever stop being hilarious listening to LeBron the person speak. Because he is not even familiar with the word “humble” and it shows in quotes like this. He has legitimately gone full Dwight Schrute.

Dodgers Eat $35 Million to Designate Carl Crawford for Assignment

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Yahoo Sports – On Sunday, the Los Angeles Dodgers finally decided enough was enough when it came to their relationship with Carl Crawford. With a roster spot needed, the Dodgers decided to designate the 34-year-old outfielder for assignment, which means the Dodgers have 10 days to put Crawford on waivers, trade him, release him or send him to the minors. 

To this day, I don’t know what was dumber, the Red Sox signing Carl Crawford to that albatross of a $142 million contract or the Dodgers trading for him. The Dodgers legitimately saved the Red Sox from a 5 year dumpster fire. If the Sox are still paying Crawford $20 mil per year to hit .185 on top of Adrian Gonzalez’s contract there’s no way they open up the wallet to get David Price. Not to mention 2013 never happens because the Sox don’t completely gut the roster and start over with all the character guys like Victorino, Gomes, Napoli, Ross etc.

Instead Magic Johnson and crew, for whatever reason, took a flyer on all of that money in hopes it would push the Dodgers over the top. What really happened; Beckett was OK and ended up retiring early, Gonzo has been pretty decent in laid back LA, but Crawford seems to be shellshocked by his time in Boston. No seriously, he still talks about how awful playing for the Sox was. Like he got Jodie Fostered in the dugout or something.

And talk about going back and seeing the red flags we should have noticed. Notoriously quiet guy that kept to himself all while playing well for a last place team that no one paid any attention to in Tampa Bay. Does that seem like a guy who would transition well to the constant pressure and bright lights of playing in Boston?

Now with $35 million left on his contract the Dodgers essentially said fuck it and just DFA’d him. Take on all that money, make the biggest trade in franchise history and then have it completely blow up in your face. Props to LA for just cutting bait and getting out though. Took them a couple years longer than the Sox, but they’d rather eat the cash than have Crawford take up a roster spot for another day.

Maybe the Sox learned their lesson and won’t be giving out mega contracts like candy to just anyone anymore?

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Nevermind.

Despite a Red Sox Loss, Mookie Betts Putting Himself in MVP Consideration

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Seriously though, can we start talking about Mookie for MVP yet? Or are people still not sold on him yet? After 3 HRs in the first game against the Orioles and then another 2 HRs last night he is absolutely smoking hot. It seems like he hit the national stage for real last night though when ESPN went to a split screen during the Dodgers game to show Mookie’s at-bat live. 5 HR in 2 games will have that affect.

I think the best part of this past couple of days is not the number of dingers, but the swagger Betts clearly is developing. Last night after his first inning HR, and 4th in two games, the Orioles were apparently a little burnt up about it and Mike Wright threw a clearly intentional fastball right over Mookie’s head. Major league pitchers don’t miss high over a guy’s head, that was a purpose pitch. So what does Betts do? Oh just proceeds to hit an absolute piss missile out of Camden Yards. And no one loved it more than Big Papi.

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Betts now has 14 homers, 1 behind Ortiz for the team lead, and is hitting .288 with 42 RBIs and 51 Runs – batting leadoff for christs sake! He’s on pace for 43 HR, 128 RBIs, 34 doubles and a measly 156 Runs. Now obviously he’s not going to stay this red hot and hit 40+ dingers, but if Betts is even close to this pace the rest of the year he has to be in the MVP ballot. And that my friends is how you find what was projected to be a dogshit team sitting in first place in June.