Tag: Techcrunch

Tesla Closing All Its Retail Stores, How Will Malls Stay in Business??

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TechCrunch – Tesla is moving all of its sales online, a dramatic shift in its sales strategy that will result in the closure of stores and some layoffs as the automaker looks for ways to reduce costs in order to bring a cheaper Model 3 to market.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk didn’t say how many stores would close. He noted that some stores would remain and turn into information centers and showrooms. The company didn’t provide specific numbers on how many retail employees might be affected.

Goddamnit, I was just about to go to the mall and buy a Tesla too. In all seriousness though, have you ever actually met anyone that drives a Tesla? I see them plugged into random parking garages around town, but I’ve never actually met someone that drives one.

Come to think of it, the only place I ever really see Teslas is in those absurd showrooms in ritzy malls. Like I’m just going to be walking from Auntie Anne’s Pretzels to Lids and I’m going to stop and say ya know what, I should buy a car. Preposterous.

Just a ridiculous idea really, but I guess they are more so using the Apple model. Apple knows these gigantic showrooms cannot possibly be ROI positive, despite how expensive some of these iPhones have become. No, they’re thinking more longterm than that because they’re evil geniuses. How many kids do you see going into every Apple store playing with all the new iPhones, Apple Watches, and whatever other gadgets they put out? They’re basically just planting a seed in these kids’ brains so when they do come of age and have some disposable income they are already Apple disciples and they don’t even know why. McDonalds did that for decades with those gigantic play places.

Marketing is a trip, huh?

PS – When I was in Buffalo last year I was driving around the industrial part of town and stumbled upon the Tesla factory and it looks like the goddamn Avengers Headquarters. Just a massive building putting together technology I don’t understand in the absolute middle of nowhere.

 

The Razr is Making a Comeback as a Foldable Smartphone

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Techcrunch – Motorola has revived the Razr name a few times over the years, but the once-mighty brand has failed to regain the heights of its early days as an ultra-slim flip phone. But what better time for the phone maker’s parent Lenovo to bring back the brand in earnest as the mobile world is readying itself for a wave of foldable smartphones?

There was nothing more satisfying than snapping your Motorola Razr shut to end a call. Nothing. I remember getting the black one sophomore year of high school and it being the hottest thing in the streets since DVDs. You could use .mp3’s as ringtones, it had like a 1 pixel camera, and you could even use this wizardry called Bluetooth to send and receive files. Crazy.

It was also a simpler time because the only worry you had about your phone was your buddy texting you too much and your parents chewing you out because man those 5¢ text fees add up quick. No worries about smashing the screen or constantly checking your IG to see how many likes your last pic got, no incessant “always on” mentality. That was the biggest perk in my nostalgia book looking back.

So I am ALL for the Razr making a comeback, but do not bring it back as a smart phone. Just do what Nintendo does. Port it. Give me the same exact thing, except charge me the same price for technology thats over a decade old and I will buy it.

Get everyone off social media and in a state of constant contact. I will text you back on my flip phone when free nights and weekends kicks in and not a second sooner.

Walmart is Now Selling Bitcoin for $1….Soo What’s the Catch?

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Techcrunch – Walmart is now selling bitcoin for $1. But in a new spin on the volatile and ever-changing world of cryptocurrency, this digital currency is made of chocolate. Frankford bitcoins, are 1.42 ounces of milk chocolate wrapped in gold-colored foil made by Frankford Candy. They’re reminiscent of the regular old foil-wrapped milk chocolate coins of yesteryear. But of course, entirely different because they’re called bitcoin.

Walmart is now selling *chocolate* Bitcoin for $1. Chocolate being the key word here. Don’t think for a minute some dude isn’t going to throw a nutty when he thinks he found the greatest investment since 7-Minute Abs, only to realize his new fortune is melting in his pocket. People are dumb. People will 100% buy this thinking it’s real Bitcoin.

Ironically enough, its really not that much cheaper than actual Bitcoin these days. Back in the wild wild west of 2017, Papa G and I chased that wave. We both put some hard earned American dollars into Bitcoin hoping to cash in on an early investment. Welp, Bitcoin has plummeted from its heyday of about $20,000 per coin to about $6,000 per coin now. Or if you’re counting at home, about a 75% loss on my initial investment. Thats called ROI folks.

Papa G was smart enough to jump off a sinking ship, but I decided lets roll with it and maybe we’ll catch the next upswing. I’m holding out hope that I get to be George Costanza when he held his money in a secret stock and made a killing after Jerry dumped his shares too early.

Ever hear of a robot butcher?