SUPER BOWL WEEK DISTRACTION – Breaking Down Gronk’s Senior Basketball Profile

 

Blogger’s Note: I meant to start these yesterday as we lead up to the game on Sunday. This is the most stressful week of (almost) every year and we could all use a distraction or 7. This one is Pats-related but  I promise the remaining three will be absolute nonsense and will take your mind off things….

To leverage one of the most prolifically used, intoxicating television quotes of all time, “He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can’t look away.”

That line, first used to describe not just a painting, but a perfect encapsulation of the essence of Cosmo Kramer, also applies seamlessly to this Portrait of a Young Gronk. From the head to the answers to the rest of the pose, this would give an alien who randomly landed on earth this very day an accurate representation of what the greatest TE of all time was and grew to be.

To start with the picture, I’d like to first point out that Gronk barely ages. If you look at this picture and then a picture of him now, his shaven head, which is a choice, is really the only difference. I’m sure people would point to other features of his face, but what I see is a kid still half asleep at probably 8:00am, dragged into a gym and told to put his uniform on for team pictures. The Gronk abides. Then we get to the hair. I have no doubt Gronk’s hair looked exactly like this all through high school. Papa G would agree this is known as the “Mark Hoppus circa 2004”. In Gronk’s case however, he isn’t a pop punk God who just tapped into his love for the Cure, he’s a 17 year old man-child pre-programmed to dominate varsity athletics and who doesn’t care what his hair looks like because it will either be smashed inside a helmet or matted with sweat at some point in the day any way. Probably multiple times.

Then there is the pose. HO MAN the pose. Can you imagine the energy that radiated through Robert James Gronkowski when he found out that he was invited to give everyone a sneak peek to the gun show on an otherwise unremarkable week day morning? He probably found some small dumb bells, or some resistance bands, or a freshman and got a few quick sets in to give himself some pump and tone. He through on that jersey and flexed, giving his best Blue Steel for the camera. Amazing.

Finally we have his answers. His “parents’ names” are, I suppose, not noteworthy if it wasn’t for the fact that they weren’t a bit out place. In 2019 that would be called a majjjjjor info sec breach. For “college choice” not only does Gronk peacock that he is leaving the dreary Northeast for the University of Arizona, but he is doing it on a full athletic scholarship. I can imagine he actually told the person asking him these questions (0% chance he wrote them out himself) something like “full boat for football” and the transcriber cleaned the answer up a bit. No harm no foul. Then comes the last question. The piece de resistance. Rob Gronkowski’s “hobbies”. I mentioned he was a pre-programmed sports machine and indeed he mentions sports as his #2 hobby.  That is, of course, only because #1 is working out, i.e preparing to dominate in said sports more efficiently. Then comes #3. The last but certainly not least. Chicks. Nothing in particular. Just chicks. Gronk like to talk about them. Gronk likes to talk to them. Gronk likes to do un-Christian things with them in back seats. It is and always will be his passion, his calling. If Belichick ever got him to take a vow of celibacy he’d probably go off for 120/1800/25 every year. He was close as it is.

So that is it folks. Your daily distraction in the form of breaking down a hoops profile of a young Gronk. Yo soy fiesta indeed.

-Joey B.

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About Joey Ballgame

I'd like to take this chance to apologize to absolutely nobody. Views from the 617. Primarily MMA and pop culture takes from down in the rabbit hole. Sports straight out of left field.
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