Ahhhh. To be young, born rich, on every drug imaginable, pretending to try and inspire people on IG, and making pow pow with anything that walks in a desert. We’ve all been there right? O wait, no? We haven’t? We haven’t all dressed up like a flower child version of the Kentucky Derby and proceeded to watch jackasses like Kanye West make supposedly church-inspired performance art? Huh, guess not.

I’m at work so unfortunately Google’ng “Coachella” and “herpes” is not an option and thus you’ll have to find the story yourself. Basically, clinics, doctors, etc. in the area have seen something like a ten-fold uptick in diagnosed cases of this particular STD. They estimate about 1,100 people picked up the gift that neeeever stops giving in one fateful weekend. Makes you wonder where that would stack up next to Woodstock, too bad no one went to doctors back then.

And here’s the thing. Maybe I’m just old. Maybe my sleep patterns or digestive system still haven’t come fully back on track since returning from a bachelor party almost an entire month ago, but fucking in a desert really does not appeal to me. Like, imagine being drunk, hot as all holy hell and sweaty, drinking a warm drink, and having another human being latch onto you. Noooo fuckin thank you. Leaaave me alone. This stopped being fun in general four hours ago and I just want to nap/trip balls again. I just don’t get it.

I also want to know who patient zero was. Was it a guy or a girl? Was it an orgy or did they bang a few people, who banged a few people, etc. etc.? Is there a dick/vag slinger out there who is terrified they are going to get hit with a class action, knowing they Posted so much Malone that they may have infected an entire valley with herpes? That is a WILD thing to have to be afraid.

In conclusion I think we can agree on one thing: Please GOD let Leo not have been one of these victims. I know he loves Coachella and I know he lays pipe with the best of them. But please let him have avoided this one.

Be safe out there,

-Joey B.