Drinking

QUARANTINE BLOG: The Short, Definitive List of Male Interests That Were Never Intended to Get Them Laid

So I’m sure the blog title comes as exactly zero surprise. Although I’m not sure how much it is discussed, it is well known that there are very few hobbies and interests that straight, white males pursue where the goal is not to “get them drawers.” It is just a simple fact of life that right around 3rd or 4th grade we abandon interest in things just because we find them entertaining or fulfilling and instead take up whatever is going to get us in the best graces of the fairer sex.

HOWEVER. There always remains a few things that a man just cannot leave behind, or picks up along the way, that in no way, shape, or form, is going to get them laid. Why we make these exceptions we don’t know, nor do we exactly notice. They just are/become part of our existence without any question as to why and life goes on – much to either the indifference or dismay of the ladies we pursue.

So without further ado, I, on behalf The 300s dot com, present you with the list of those things, past and present.

6.) Golf

Like a lot of post-college men stumbling through adulthood, a number of us here at The 300s have decided to become avid horrible golfers. Papa G bombs the ball with nary a clue of where it’s going. Red’s game is so cold he always wears pants. Me? Well I’ve never gotten within 100 yards of a green I could hit. But the ladies? Well actually they hate it. Why wouldn’t they? Their guys (or prospects) disappear for five hours on a weekend morning and come back not only shitfaced, but happy. I mean the audacity to be in good spirits after five hours away from them. But we know why we do it right, fellas? I mean whats not to love about playing a long, slow, impossible game that costs a shitload to participate in? Ya, I don’t know either.

5.) Quantity of Alcohol/Substances Consumed

Man I guess this is an inadvisable one in hindsight huh? But I am man of integrity so I must not exclude it. Because there was a time, friends, where we would boast o so braggadociously of the 10 beers (of Natty), 4 shots (of Sailor Jerry), and 5 blunt hits (of middiest mids) one ingested the night before. Did you puke and pee somewhere you shouldn’t have like in the hallway, a closet, or on your roommate? Sure you did. But legends never fucking die do they? What does die, on the contrary, are your chances with Jennifer, the cute girl from Art Survey that you invited to the party only to have her arrive and find you leglessly hitting on the fridge.

4.) Home Entertainment/Audio/Electronic Setups

I remember walking into one of my buddy’s rooms in college to find that he had a high-end Alienware laptop, three monitors, huge speakers, and like, a subwoofer. For what fucking reason pray-tell? I didn’t know. Neither did he. He was a D-student Phys Ed major who didn’t know much. Maybe God spoke to him and said it was written for him to shake the entire fucking hallway with whatever mixtape he had recently ripped off the internet. No matter which way you shake it though no girl was walking into that room and realizing with erotic elation she could bleed out through her eardrums playing “Umbrella” on full blast.

3.) Beirut Skills

There was no bigger dick-measuring contest in high school or college than determining who was the best ‘rut player. Thinking back on it I can almost hear a National Geographic narrator describing how pack power rankings were decided on Friday night, regardless of who was cooler when walking into the house, by who won the Beirut tournament. Know who didn’t give a fuck? The girls that were there. They played too, and giggled a whole bunch, and sometimes cried, and sometimes hugged dudes that were crying, and generally got hit on a whole lot. What they didn’t do was go total Niagara Falls for the guy who called “solo” last.

2.) Random Athletics Prowess

Yes, athletes get all kinds of poontang. By that I do mean players of the four major sports. However, that never stopped a group of guys from determining who was the best contestant in street/pond hockey, wiffle ball, horse or any other of the trillion ludicrous excuses for “sports” we’ve come up with over the years. Did chicks care? Fuck no. As a matter of fact we probably were only playing because they weren’t around at the time. Didn’t matter. I’d die before I let you hit my 12-6 sinker that dropped like Amy Schumer’s popularity after fourteen and a half minutes.

1.) Power Hour Playlists

BOOM. I’d be lying through my teeth if I didn’t say this relic of my past wasn’t the reason I came up with this list in the first place. I was talking to a buddy about doing a power hour over Google video as a fun quarantine activity. His response? He could never figure out how to get the music to work. It took me a solid 30 seconds to figure out what the fuck he was even talking about. Then it dawned on me he was worried sick he didn’t have the requisite time or resources to get the hallowed playlist together before doing the power hour. It was indeed considered an art form back in the day. The song selection itself was a delicate thread to weave, but getting them in the perfect order? Now that is where the true artistry was found. You know who was never impressed? Or even fucking noticed beyond a “hey, I like this song”? The girls. And I don’t blame them. Because they didn’t like doing fucking power hours like idiots like we did.

And thus concludes the list. That’s it. Maybe I’ll think of more/a part two later on in quarantine. Or maybe if it lasts long enough we’ll come up with new ones.

-Joey B.

Categories: Drinking, General, Golf

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