Category: NFL

Has Anyone Ever Been Cucked Harder Than Kirk Cousins?

By on • ( Leave a comment )

CBSSports – The Minnesota Vikings‘ offense was almost completely shut down by the Chicago Bears in Week 4…..”At some point, you’re not going to be able to run the ball for 180 yards, even with the best running back in the NFL,” Thielen said, per The Athletic. “That’s when you have to be able to throw the ball…….Kirk Cousins seems to have taken the criticism to heart, or at least realized that Thielen was correct.

Geeeeeesh. It’s hard to even begin to unpack everything happening here.

First, there’s the vaunted “it” factor teams look for in QBs. It’s what makes someone a natural leader and a complete alpha male and every team desperately wants their franchise QB to have “it”. For all of his flaws, it definitely seemed, at least in college and early in his pro career, that Kirk Cousins was full of piss and vinegar. He was fiery. He had passion. He wanted to win. Needless to say, it seems like that flame has burnt out. The Vikings thought they got the QB who shouted “YOU LIKE THAT?!” at a herd of bewildered Washington Redskins beat reporters. What they have now seems to be a QB who meekly asks his receivers “how do you like that?” in regards to the sandwich he has prepared them for lunch. Quite the 180.

On that note, what does this say for Cousins and his receivers? For the offense as a whole? How can they soldier on with the usual power dynamic of an NFL offense so badly shifted. You have your QB, terrified to attempt a downfield pass, now tucking his tail between his legs and apologizing to a wide receiver for his shortcomings. That is a brutal reality for that team and kind of feels like a point of no return.

The worst part about all this is the Vikings owe Cousin for this season and $29m and change for 2020 GUARANTEED. It honestly could end up being a Brock Osweiler situation where they trade Cousins and some extra incentives to a team to just take on his salary. Who knows, maybe they’ll even make Thielen the head of personnel and ask him who they should pick up to stand under center since he’s calling the fucking shots anyway.

The NFL man. Never a dull moment.

The 300s Fantasy Football Round Up – Week 4

By on • ( Leave a comment )

I feel like each week I’ve said something along the lines of “we now know what we have” in terms of our fantasy teams and players but doesn’t it feel like after Week 4 we know the same about overall, actual NFL football teams? Like at this point we know who is good or could be and who is ass. It’s an interesting place to be only 1/4 of the way through the year.

Still, weird things continue to happen. The Pats got more from the Bills than we thought they would and Mason Rudolph won a professional football game. Strange times indeed.

Anyway, let’s take a look under the fantasy football hood and see how we did.

Lippa (2-2)

Rough week for your boy as I got no touchdowns outside of my QB. Usually a recipe for disaster, especially when I was going up against Kyle’s first place team. We’ve got to take a serious look at this squad going forward as it’s full of underachievers. Although it’s only a matter of time until Sammy Watkins pops off again. That offense is too good. We’re going to have to back into the waiver bog full of Daltons and Cousins (ew!) for a QB again with Stafford on bye. Perhaps it’s Gardner Minshew SZN, we shall see.


FUCKING Red (more on that later) (1-3)

Ya boy finally got on the board with his first W of the year and it could not have come at a better time. 0-3 is a hole, 0-4 is a death sentence. So shout out to Davante Adams and his 27 points that came at the expense of a toe injury so this win might end up actually sinking my season in the long run to be honest. Also Austin Hooper continues to be one of the best TE’s in the league with another 17 points after doing nothing the first two weeks of the season. Roller coaster ride engaged.

Dom (2-2)

Woof. I had a rough week. I was projected to win all of my contests this week, and ended up losing all of them. The Scruffy Looking Nerfherders finally came down to earth. James Conner broke out, but with TY out, Mack getting hurt, Brady and the Rams defense not showing up at all, I couldn’t even muster 100 points. Here’s to a Week 5 rebound.

Joey B (0-4)

I had a hard enough time waking up to find out I was now 0-4, then I received Red’s correspondence where he declared my record a death sentence. Hey fuck you pal. A week ago we were brothers in sorrow, now you’re sitting pretty with one win, swirling your brandy, throwing coins on the ground and watching me chase after them as they scatter. The silver lining is that I won my weekly office pool despite Andy Dalton’s best efforts to lose me both the fantasy week and the pot.

Papa G (4-0)

I’ve somehow arrived at 4-0. Lamar Jackson has leveled off these past two weeks so it’s really a team effort we got going on. Ekeler had what will probably be his last massive performance for me, now that Gordon is coming back. Conner has been meh lately given the Steelers’ lackluster start. I have to tip my cap to Lippa for having an off week, because without it I don’t see how I win this week under normal circumstances. No complaints from me though!

 

It Would Appear the Patriots Are Digging Their Heels In On Antonio Brown

By on • ( Leave a comment )

I woke up today, as you all did, to yet another news story of Antonio Brown being an absolute moron and allegedly intimidating an accuser of his.

Has this guy never seen The Town before?

Live look at AB’s lawyer:

The craziest part is that the Patriots seem to be digging their heels in on the matter. Its one thing to bring in a guy who just seemed to be a mercurial diva wide receiver and then get caught with your pants down regarding the civil case, as they reportedly did. Its another matter to have him allegedly intimidating his own accusers while on the Patriots active roster. Everybody knows the Patriots are better than The Cleaners in John Wick when it comes to cleaning up a mess and putting a player on the straight and narrow.

But most of those players in question were just diva a-hole football players. Antonio Brown seems to be at best a child who’s never been told no and a scumbag at worst. Most of these things are still just allegations so no one is legally required to do anything, but Bill Belichick in particular seems to be losing his touch with the media. For the second time Bill got visibly frustrated and walked out of a press conference when peppered with Antonio Brown questions.

I didn’t expect Belichick to actually talk about AB’s legal situation, but I never expected him to noticeably get his back up and storm off the podium like he’s done now twice.

Why then is the team willing to put up with all the bullshit?

Former Patriot turned sports talk radio host Ted Johnson as well as MMQB reporter Bert Breer have both theorized that Belichick is putting up with whatever he has to with AB because he knows Brown can help him chase the won thing thats always alluded him; 19-0.

Its only Week 3 so 19-0 is fun to talk about and its easy to turn a blind eye for most Patriots fans, but these stories are piling up at an alarming rate for a team that didn’t have a dire need for Brown. If the Pats are 1-1 its probably a lot easier for Bill to just say fuck it and cut bait, but is he holding onto Brown for an all out attempt at going undefeated? I don’t know, but I do know its getting harder to defend the silence from the team.

I was never going to defend the move *or* AB because he clearly is out to lunch, but how long will the team, and Robert Kraft specifically, take heat on behalf of an employee who hasn’t even been around long enough to play a home game yet?

Tulane Pulled Out the Old Fake Kneel Play to Beat Houston

By on • ( Leave a comment )

LOVE IT! Give me all the trick plays. Tulane pulled the old fake kneel out of their playbook in a tie game with 18 seconds to go. Naturally they immediately followed this up with a 60 yard hail mary TD to win the game in walkoff fashion.

I am an absolute schill for trick plays. I still remember the fake spike Brady connected with Randy Moss on for on a TD against the Washington R-Words in 2007.

Or what about the Ravens pulling out the fake punt direct snap running play against the goddamn Dolphins?

I’ll never forget the double pass the Patriots pulled off against the Ravens in the playoffs in 2014 with Edelman launching a bomb to Danny Amendola for a TD.

Hell in that same game the Patriots were confusing the shit out of the Ravens with their ineligible/eligible lineman formations. So much so that the league immediately changed the rule to prevent this.

Give me all the trick plays, hook and ladders, reverses, you name it; if you have some trickery in your playbook dump em out.

I completely forgot the Patriots also ran this fake kneel play in the Falcons Super Bowl trying to pop a walk off TD at the end of regulation.

When they finally started including trick plays in Madden is when things got real fun. I would bust out a HB toss to a downfield pass at least 5 times a game because if you connect on even one it would cause your buddy to spike his PS4 clicker. Not to mention the fake punt pass play, its just too bad every punter not named Adam Vinatieri has a worse arm than Johnny Damon.

TLDR; major props to Tulane for busting out a ridiculous fake play to help them steal a win. Need more of that in sports.

Phil Mickelson and His Jacked Calves Are On Standby to Replace Tom Brady If Necessary

By on • ( Leave a comment )

So yesterday news broke that Tom Brady was on the Patriots injury report after being limited at practice with a calf injury. I’m not too worried because this is the same guy that was on the Patriots injury report every week for approximately a decade with a shoulder. However, in case anything tragic does transpire, we’ve got Phil Mickelson and his JACKED calves on standby.

Even Brady himself was on board with at least a few tips from Phil on how he built those leg cannons.

In case you’ve somehow forgotten, Phil has absolute porterhouse steaks packed into his calves.

PS – Phil absolutely SMOKED a guy for shooting his shot trying to get 18 holes in with the legend and I am wheezing.

The 300s Fantasy Football Round Up – Week 2

By on • ( Leave a comment )

I would like to use this introductory paragraph to point out the fact that so far the Patriots defense is the highest scoring opponent they’ve yet to encounter this season.

Moving along, Week 2 has come and gone in the fantasy world and teams have begun to take shape, some players have been added and dropped, 15 QBs have been ruled out for the season, and one missing a chromosome has been benched and possibly retired.

So without further ado let’s see how the staff here did in Week 2.

Joey B (0-2)

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this but Ronald Jones getting me .9 points on Thursday proved to be foreshadowing. No one ever showed up and I lost by 20. My RBs are garbage and I need helllllp.

Dom (1-1)

For the second week in a row, the Scruffy Looking Nerfherders were the second highest scoring team in the league. Unfortunately, I played the only team that could’ve beaten me this week. Lame. Once again, most of the boys performed well, and I made the excellent pick up of Mark Andrews of Baltimore, who happens to be the league’s top TE through 2 weeks. The big downside to the week was that James Conner was knocked out with a knee injury, but reports are that it’s not serious thankfully.

Lippa (1-1)

Don’t love my team in my league as much as I have in previous years. Probably because I didn’t have a second round pick (traded it for Antonio Brown last year trying to go all-in en route to a first round playoff loss). O.J. Howard looks like a giant bust, and my general lack of elite players will probably cost me this year. Bright side: JOSH ALLEN time next week at QB after a week of streaming Andy Dalton.

Mattes (2-0)
Even though Dede Westbrook and his pathetic 0.8 points (!!!) almost screwed me, Dak, Dalvin, and Kelce were an absolute force for the second-straight week. Kerryon also had a nice day after a worrisome Week 1. (And it’ll only get better for him with C.J. Anderson getting the axe yesterday!) This week I’ll be replacing Westbrook and Singletary with Matt Breida and Scary Terry McLaurin, AND I nabbed Dallas’s D off waivers this week since they’re playing Miami at home. Reeeaallly trying not to get too cocky yet, and I know it’s early. But The Pride of Kansas is 2-0 and sitting third overall in points so far. I’m feeling good.

Papa G (2-0)

Lamar Jackson! What a stud. Another solid performance from my elite QB out of Baltimore. This week was definitely tougher than last week though. Barely squeezed out a win thanks to Le’Veon Bell on MNF. Njoku got concussed almost immediately in the game so it was all on Bell’s shoulders. 2-0 to start the season, just like my Bills. Inevitable collapse(s) pending.

Red (0-2)

I touched on this a bit yesterday in my blog denigrating Jets fans so I won’t rehash too much, but long story short I needed 8 points from Jamison Crowder. He got 6. The football gods mocked me for putting my faith in a Jets player too and had third stringer Luke Falk taking snaps before halftime just to really make me suffer. You don’t know degenerate levels until you find yourself yelling at the TV for a third string QB to throw a garbage time TD in a blowout on Monday night.

Big Z (1-1)

The Z Men will not go undefeated in 2019. We stand at 1-1 after a 120-96 loss in Week 2. At least my team wasn’t the only team that wasted a great effort from Dalvin Cook. Dude had a touchdown and 154 yards on the ground, only to see Kirk Cousins throw an interception that would have been unacceptable even in a pick up game of groomsmen in the parking lot before a wedding reception. Christian McCaffrey was a disappointment in Week 2 with only 53 total yards, but hopefully that’s an aberration.  My kicker Matt Prater might have been this biggest disappointment of my week though. A missed PAT is -2 in my league, so even with the PAT he made later in the game he still ended up in the red for me and cost me a point.

 

 

 

 

Rumors Swirling the Patriots Will Wear Their 90s Blue Throwback Jerseys This Season

By on • ( 1 Comment )

YESSS. I’ve been campaigning for the Patriots to break out these bad boys for yearsss. The red throwbacks and these beauties are the only thing I will wear when playing Madden. They’re just so awesomely bad and a perfect time capsule of the 90s with the garish two-toned blue and the oversized logos on the sleeves. Now granted this is still just a rumor that seems to have taken on a life of its own after a non-blue check marked account tweeted it out. So lets all take it with a gigantic grain of salt, but theres also this.

Now the real question is when the Patriots do take these jerseys off of mothballs, do I wear the Drew Bledsoe or Ben Coates? Decisions, decisions.

Update: It’s not happening. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.

Last Night I Had to Root for the Jets. I Don’t Know How People Do This

By on • ( Leave a comment )

With the prospect of falling to 0-2 staring me dead in the face, I needed an extremely reasonable 8 points from Jamison Crowder to win my fantasy football matchup. For a guy that had 17 targets and 17 points in Week 1 that seemed pretty reasonable, except for the fact the guy that gave him all those targets was out with MONO. I’m not here to slut shame anyone, but you really put me in a shitty spot, Sam.

So with that being said I was tasked with watching the entire Jets game AND rooting for a backup QB to feed my guy. Naturally Crowder had a huge catch called back on a penalty and Trevor Siemian failed to impress all night. At least he was a guy with a few years in the league and 20+ starts under his belt though; that gave me hope for a touchdown pass. Welp, once he broke (probably) his ankle I was then forced to root for a 2nd year THIRD string QB in Luke Faulk who is apparently Chad Pennington reincarnated.

Meanwhile the “offensive guru” (Booger McFarland’s words not mine) Adam Gase just set football back about 50 years as he refused to call a play that didn’t involve Le’Veon Bell running the ball or Le’Veon Bell catching a screenpass at the line of scrimmage. The Jets apparently punted on the entire concept of the forward pass last night and were appropriately rewarded with a 3 point performance.

My guy Crowder? The guy I needed 8 points from? Yea he got 6.

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE THIS WAY??

PS – My other option was Kenyan Drake, the running back from the Dolphins that just got shutout 43-0 so no that wasn’t an option.

My Fantasy QB Cam Newton is Dressing Bad, Playing Worse

By on • ( Leave a comment )

Look, sometimes I enjoy dressing like a dickhead too. Maybe throw on some white jeans when I’m in a beach town and have a couple crafties by the water. But Cam Newton cannot continue to dress like Audrey Hepburn if he is going to keep putting up these disastrous fantasy performances.

I honestly don’t know what I did to Ron Rivera to deserve such blatant disrespect for my fantasy team, but he’s about to get himself fired with bullshit play calls like this.

In reality he’s probably still hurt after offseason shoulder surgery and an ankle injury in the preseason because he missed throws that literally I could make on multiple occasions last night.

I give him credit for shouldering the blame, but I don’t know if he actually gets it. It sure as shit doesn’t seem like it with SNL worthy clips like this from his post game presser.

If we’re being honest I knew I was in trouble last week after I saw him strutting to the podium wearing a hat wrapped in barbed wire immediately following a 5 point performance.

Maybe this is all some abstract art project like the time Joaquin Phoenix pretended to lose his mind just because. I remember being legitimately concerned for the guy and it all turned out to be a hoax. Remember even David Letterman almost kicked his ass.

But hey, if I can’t win a fantasy football matchup, at least I can laugh at my own expense. Here are the best of the rest smoking Aunt May Cam Newton’s outfit last night.