It Would Appear the Patriots Are Digging Their Heels In On Antonio Brown

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I woke up today, as you all did, to yet another news story of Antonio Brown being an absolute moron and allegedly intimidating an accuser of his.

Has this guy never seen The Town before?

Live look at AB’s lawyer:

The craziest part is that the Patriots seem to be digging their heels in on the matter. Its one thing to bring in a guy who just seemed to be a mercurial diva wide receiver and then get caught with your pants down regarding the civil case, as they reportedly did. Its another matter to have him allegedly intimidating his own accusers while on the Patriots active roster. Everybody knows the Patriots are better than The Cleaners in John Wick when it comes to cleaning up a mess and putting a player on the straight and narrow.

But most of those players in question were just diva a-hole football players. Antonio Brown seems to be at best a child who’s never been told no and a scumbag at worst. Most of these things are still just allegations so no one is legally required to do anything, but Bill Belichick in particular seems to be losing his touch with the media. For the second time Bill got visibly frustrated and walked out of a press conference when peppered with Antonio Brown questions.

I didn’t expect Belichick to actually talk about AB’s legal situation, but I never expected him to noticeably get his back up and storm off the podium like he’s done now twice.

Why then is the team willing to put up with all the bullshit?

Former Patriot turned sports talk radio host Ted Johnson as well as MMQB reporter Bert Breer have both theorized that Belichick is putting up with whatever he has to with AB because he knows Brown can help him chase the won thing thats always alluded him; 19-0.

Its only Week 3 so 19-0 is fun to talk about and its easy to turn a blind eye for most Patriots fans, but these stories are piling up at an alarming rate for a team that didn’t have a dire need for Brown. If the Pats are 1-1 its probably a lot easier for Bill to just say fuck it and cut bait, but is he holding onto Brown for an all out attempt at going undefeated? I don’t know, but I do know its getting harder to defend the silence from the team.

I was never going to defend the move *or* AB because he clearly is out to lunch, but how long will the team, and Robert Kraft specifically, take heat on behalf of an employee who hasn’t even been around long enough to play a home game yet?

Tulane Pulled Out the Old Fake Kneel Play to Beat Houston

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LOVE IT! Give me all the trick plays. Tulane pulled the old fake kneel out of their playbook in a tie game with 18 seconds to go. Naturally they immediately followed this up with a 60 yard hail mary TD to win the game in walkoff fashion.

I am an absolute schill for trick plays. I still remember the fake spike Brady connected with Randy Moss on for on a TD against the Washington R-Words in 2007.

Or what about the Ravens pulling out the fake punt direct snap running play against the goddamn Dolphins?

I’ll never forget the double pass the Patriots pulled off against the Ravens in the playoffs in 2014 with Edelman launching a bomb to Danny Amendola for a TD.

Hell in that same game the Patriots were confusing the shit out of the Ravens with their ineligible/eligible lineman formations. So much so that the league immediately changed the rule to prevent this.

Give me all the trick plays, hook and ladders, reverses, you name it; if you have some trickery in your playbook dump em out.

I completely forgot the Patriots also ran this fake kneel play in the Falcons Super Bowl trying to pop a walk off TD at the end of regulation.

When they finally started including trick plays in Madden is when things got real fun. I would bust out a HB toss to a downfield pass at least 5 times a game because if you connect on even one it would cause your buddy to spike his PS4 clicker. Not to mention the fake punt pass play, its just too bad every punter not named Adam Vinatieri has a worse arm than Johnny Damon.

TLDR; major props to Tulane for busting out a ridiculous fake play to help them steal a win. Need more of that in sports.

Phil Mickelson and His Jacked Calves Are On Standby to Replace Tom Brady If Necessary

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So yesterday news broke that Tom Brady was on the Patriots injury report after being limited at practice with a calf injury. I’m not too worried because this is the same guy that was on the Patriots injury report every week for approximately a decade with a shoulder. However, in case anything tragic does transpire, we’ve got Phil Mickelson and his JACKED calves on standby.

Even Brady himself was on board with at least a few tips from Phil on how he built those leg cannons.

In case you’ve somehow forgotten, Phil has absolute porterhouse steaks packed into his calves.

PS – Phil absolutely SMOKED a guy for shooting his shot trying to get 18 holes in with the legend and I am wheezing.

Noted College Football Innovator Mike Leach Debates Which Teams Can Beat His Based On Mascot

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Remember in college (at least for me) there were a couple of shows that caught fire purely because they were, to use more modern terminology, “bingeable/bingeworthy”? There was something golden about when you could kick back because SpikeTV or USA or MTV2 put Show XYZ on marathon mode and you were able to kill time between classes by watching a few hours of it.

One of those shows was called the “Deadliest Warrior” and it was probably the easiest pitch in the history of pitches given that SpikeTV was dying to be the ultimate haven for bro entertainment back then. All whoever created this show had to do was stride into a roomful of execs and ask the question, “Ever wonder who’d win in a fight between a prohibition-era gangster with a tommy gun and an Apache warrior…WELL NOW YOU CAN.”

It was somehow very analytical (maybe quasi-very analytical if that makes sense) and completely mindless. It was fucking glorious. They’d break down the skills, weaponry, and tactics of two groups of “warriors” from two different time periods and then decide who would win. Experts, including one who was basically a ninja with a medical degree, would slice, dice, and shoot anatomically-similar models of the human body to see what kind of damage was really being doneby what/whoever was being studied. A lot of people got dressed up in all sorts of costumes to act like these combatants. It was priceless. It would neverrrr get put on air today. But we loved it.

Anyway, count Mike Leach as someone who was clearly also a fan. In this video he debates who would beat his Washington State COUGARS just based on what their mascot is. Cal and UCLA have bears, that’s a toughy. Oregon State and their beavers? WELL HOW LONG CAN YOU STAY UNDER WATER?! GOTCHA!

We all knew Leach obsessively studies, among other things, pirates in order to provide him with the intellectual strategy to scheme up 18 wide receiver sets and make guys like Colt Brennan look like Tom Brady. Now we also know he takes into consideration just what creature or creation he is staring down from across the field as he goes to the dark recesses of his brain to manifest his opponents doom.

Next. Level. Stuff.

-Joey B

The 300s Fantasy Football Round Up – Week 2

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I would like to use this introductory paragraph to point out the fact that so far the Patriots defense is the highest scoring opponent they’ve yet to encounter this season.

Moving along, Week 2 has come and gone in the fantasy world and teams have begun to take shape, some players have been added and dropped, 15 QBs have been ruled out for the season, and one missing a chromosome has been benched and possibly retired.

So without further ado let’s see how the staff here did in Week 2.

Joey B (0-2)

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this but Ronald Jones getting me .9 points on Thursday proved to be foreshadowing. No one ever showed up and I lost by 20. My RBs are garbage and I need helllllp.

Dom (1-1)

For the second week in a row, the Scruffy Looking Nerfherders were the second highest scoring team in the league. Unfortunately, I played the only team that could’ve beaten me this week. Lame. Once again, most of the boys performed well, and I made the excellent pick up of Mark Andrews of Baltimore, who happens to be the league’s top TE through 2 weeks. The big downside to the week was that James Conner was knocked out with a knee injury, but reports are that it’s not serious thankfully.

Lippa (1-1)

Don’t love my team in my league as much as I have in previous years. Probably because I didn’t have a second round pick (traded it for Antonio Brown last year trying to go all-in en route to a first round playoff loss). O.J. Howard looks like a giant bust, and my general lack of elite players will probably cost me this year. Bright side: JOSH ALLEN time next week at QB after a week of streaming Andy Dalton.

Mattes (2-0)
Even though Dede Westbrook and his pathetic 0.8 points (!!!) almost screwed me, Dak, Dalvin, and Kelce were an absolute force for the second-straight week. Kerryon also had a nice day after a worrisome Week 1. (And it’ll only get better for him with C.J. Anderson getting the axe yesterday!) This week I’ll be replacing Westbrook and Singletary with Matt Breida and Scary Terry McLaurin, AND I nabbed Dallas’s D off waivers this week since they’re playing Miami at home. Reeeaallly trying not to get too cocky yet, and I know it’s early. But The Pride of Kansas is 2-0 and sitting third overall in points so far. I’m feeling good.

Papa G (2-0)

Lamar Jackson! What a stud. Another solid performance from my elite QB out of Baltimore. This week was definitely tougher than last week though. Barely squeezed out a win thanks to Le’Veon Bell on MNF. Njoku got concussed almost immediately in the game so it was all on Bell’s shoulders. 2-0 to start the season, just like my Bills. Inevitable collapse(s) pending.

Red (0-2)

I touched on this a bit yesterday in my blog denigrating Jets fans so I won’t rehash too much, but long story short I needed 8 points from Jamison Crowder. He got 6. The football gods mocked me for putting my faith in a Jets player too and had third stringer Luke Falk taking snaps before halftime just to really make me suffer. You don’t know degenerate levels until you find yourself yelling at the TV for a third string QB to throw a garbage time TD in a blowout on Monday night.

Big Z (1-1)

The Z Men will not go undefeated in 2019. We stand at 1-1 after a 120-96 loss in Week 2. At least my team wasn’t the only team that wasted a great effort from Dalvin Cook. Dude had a touchdown and 154 yards on the ground, only to see Kirk Cousins throw an interception that would have been unacceptable even in a pick up game of groomsmen in the parking lot before a wedding reception. Christian McCaffrey was a disappointment in Week 2 with only 53 total yards, but hopefully that’s an aberration.  My kicker Matt Prater might have been this biggest disappointment of my week though. A missed PAT is -2 in my league, so even with the PAT he made later in the game he still ended up in the red for me and cost me a point.

 

 

 

 

Rumors Swirling the Patriots Will Wear Their 90s Blue Throwback Jerseys This Season

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YESSS. I’ve been campaigning for the Patriots to break out these bad boys for yearsss. The red throwbacks and these beauties are the only thing I will wear when playing Madden. They’re just so awesomely bad and a perfect time capsule of the 90s with the garish two-toned blue and the oversized logos on the sleeves. Now granted this is still just a rumor that seems to have taken on a life of its own after a non-blue check marked account tweeted it out. So lets all take it with a gigantic grain of salt, but theres also this.

Now the real question is when the Patriots do take these jerseys off of mothballs, do I wear the Drew Bledsoe or Ben Coates? Decisions, decisions.

Update: It’s not happening. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.

Last Night I Had to Root for the Jets. I Don’t Know How People Do This

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With the prospect of falling to 0-2 staring me dead in the face, I needed an extremely reasonable 8 points from Jamison Crowder to win my fantasy football matchup. For a guy that had 17 targets and 17 points in Week 1 that seemed pretty reasonable, except for the fact the guy that gave him all those targets was out with MONO. I’m not here to slut shame anyone, but you really put me in a shitty spot, Sam.

So with that being said I was tasked with watching the entire Jets game AND rooting for a backup QB to feed my guy. Naturally Crowder had a huge catch called back on a penalty and Trevor Siemian failed to impress all night. At least he was a guy with a few years in the league and 20+ starts under his belt though; that gave me hope for a touchdown pass. Welp, once he broke (probably) his ankle I was then forced to root for a 2nd year THIRD string QB in Luke Faulk who is apparently Chad Pennington reincarnated.

Meanwhile the “offensive guru” (Booger McFarland’s words not mine) Adam Gase just set football back about 50 years as he refused to call a play that didn’t involve Le’Veon Bell running the ball or Le’Veon Bell catching a screenpass at the line of scrimmage. The Jets apparently punted on the entire concept of the forward pass last night and were appropriately rewarded with a 3 point performance.

My guy Crowder? The guy I needed 8 points from? Yea he got 6.

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE THIS WAY??

PS – My other option was Kenyan Drake, the running back from the Dolphins that just got shutout 43-0 so no that wasn’t an option.

Seinfeld is Headed to Netflix. LETS GOO

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Hollywood Reporter – Seinfeld will be master of a new domain starting in 2021. Netflix has landed worldwide rights to the iconic sitcom in a five-year deal with distributor Sony. The show will move from current rightsholder Hulu when its deal is up in 2021…First reported by the L.A. Times, the deal will bring Seinfeld’s global streaming rights under one roof for the first time. Hulu’s current $150 million-per-year deal is for domestic rights only; Amazon has held rights in most other territories around the world…”Seinfeld is the television comedy that all television comedy is measured against,” said Netflix chief content officer Ted Sarandos. “It is as fresh and funny as ever, and will be available to the world in 4K for the first time. We can’t wait to welcome Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer to their new global home on Netflix.”…Acquired series like Seinfeld, Friends and The Office are huge drivers of usage on streaming platforms. Nielsen consumption data for 2018 said Netflix users in the U.S. watched about 85 billion minutes of The Office and Friends — the equivalent of about 25 hours for every Netflix subscriber in the country.

This is a Power. Move. by Netflix after losing all the Marvel properties due to the mouse launching its own streaming platform in Disney+. Oh we can’t have Iron Man 3 anymore? Alright, well I guess we’ll just go acquire the most popular TV show of all time. Imagine being good enough at anything that people will pay to watch you? Now imagine being so good that people (Netflix) will pay ($150M per YEAR) to watch you from 20 years ago. Mind boggling shit.

Seinfeld and The Simpsons have shaped my sense of humor more than any other TV show, movie, stand up comedian or any other form of pop culture in America. I can make a Seinfeld or Simpsons reference for anything and do so just about every day, much to the chagrin of my family and friends. I actually went out of my way one time to go meet the Soup Nazi in downtown Boston a couple years back.

There are few shows better suited to 11 pm reruns than Seinfeld. A 22 minute episode with multiple plot lines where I can zone in and out and fall asleep watching reruns from 20 years ago. Granted Seinfeld is on about 75% of the time I’m home on a channel somewhere anyways, but thats besides the point. Now I can watch any episode of Seinfeld at any time and that is exhilarating for a couch potato such as myself.

Netflix *really* needs to invent a random next episode option though because there is nothing worse than searching for an episode to watch. How many people spend more time browsing Netflix than actually watching Netflix? Its why theres 50 things in my queue that I never intend to actually watch. I don’t know what episode I want to watch, just play something goddamnit.

Has Kobe Bryant Gone Soft? Says Team USA Will “Win Some, Lose Some and Thats Just How It Goes.”

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ESPN – Kobe Bryant thinks Team USA might have to get used to a new reality of losing in major events…”It’s not a matter of the rest of the world catching up to the U.S., it’s that the rest of the world has been caught up for quite some time,” Bryant said at the Wukesong Sports Center. “And it’s to the point now where us in the U.S. are going to win some, we’re going lose some. And that’s just how it goes.“

When I first read that my initial reaction was straight out of Kobe’s old commercial with Kanye:

You win some, you lose some? This is the Black Mamba for christ’s sake. The guy who still has a blood feud with Shaq nearly 20 years later because he’s so psychotically competitive he couldn’t get along with his own teammate, despite being in the midst of a three-peat.

THAT guy is the one telling everyone in the United States that “eh shit happens, the rest of the world is also pretty good so you might win, you might lose.” Has Kobe gone soft? Or is Kobe just trying to pump the collective tires of every other country he may do business with in the future? Maybe sell a few more Mambas in China if he makes it sound like he believes China can win Gold at Tokyo? Or maybe he’s just trying to Inception LeBron and Anthony Davis to get off their ass and *want* to win Gold. That would be some diabolical subterfuge that only the Black Mamba could pull off.

I spent years coming around on you Kobe so don’t you go soft on me now. I respect the assassin attitude so I refuse to accept this at face value. When we roll out the new Dream Team at the Olympics I will be the first one to give Kobe credit for planting the seed of doubt in everyone’s brain.