Unilad – Hot Pie from Game of Thrones has swapped his career in the show to embark on a business venture in real life by opening an online bakery… called, wait for it, ‘You Know Nothing John Dough’.
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried, but good for you Hot Pie, strike while the iron is hot because I do not see a lot of acting gigs in your future. Sure there will always be Jonah Hill who climbs from the depths of funny fat guys to rolling around Hollywood with Decaprio, but he’s the exception not the rule. So bake that bread and make a goddamn bread empire you scene stealing sonofabitch. If I can just end this with a pun; stack that bread. I’ll see myself out.
PS – That is some genius reverse engineering some product placement. What looks warm and delicious? How about a loaf of buttery bread after being on the Kings Road for months. Sign me up for some direwolf bread, STAT. Plus You Know Nothing Jon Dough is just A+ marketing. Well done, Hotpie.
So Game of Thrones aired its second episode of Season 7 Sunday night titled “Stormborn” which is an obvious nod to Khaleesi AKA Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen,First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea,Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons. So yea, Stormborn was an easier title for an episode. Anyways lots to break down so LETS GET IT.
House Greyjoy
Lets not beat around the bush, how about that absolute hellacious Pirate Invasion by Euron on the open seas? This guy really is a psycho huh? Starting to see hints of what the actor who plays him said in interviews before the season about how Euron would make Ramsay Bolton look like a little kid. Yikes.
The Greyjoy fleet of Theon and Yara is basically toast. Its like any fleet that leaves Dragonstone is destined to be burned to the fucking ground a la Stannis at Blackwater Bay. We got Theon falling back into bad habits too. It seems like the crazy violent and torturous way of Euron (i.e. ripping out dudes tongues) and his Iron born gave Theon a hard reset back to his Reek days, which sucks. Silver lining though he is alive soo maybe he redeems himself again? Running out of episodes here Theon, lets pick it up.
Half of the Targaryen alliance just burned up on the open seas as the Dornish leader Ellaria and her daughters the sand snakes were all either killed or taken captive. This really screws up Khaleesi’s plan of taking Kings Landing using the Dornish army so she’ll probably be looking for more Houses to partner up with. Lucky for her the King of the North is on his way down to Dragonstone.
House Stark
Jon knows he needs Khaleesi, her army, and her dragons if the North has any chance against the White Walkers, but the last thing the northerners want to do is put their faith in the daughter of the goddamn Mad King. Jon’s point is that they need the mountain of Dragonglass that is under Dragonstone, not to mention the three large dragons that Khaleesi has, if they are to stand any chance against the Night King. But Sansa makes a pretty damn good point saying “Do you not remember what happened to our grandfather?” Long story short – the Mad King once called Jon Snow’s grandfather, Rickard Stark, to come down to King’s Landing and “bend the knee” except when he got there the Mad King burned the guy alive. The Mad King also later killed Jon’s uncle Brandon Stark too. So you’ll forgive Sansa for not being overly excited to send the freshly minted King of the North down south to meet another Targaryen to once again bend the knee.
I think Jon has learned a lot in a very short period of time, taking counsel from those around him and internalizing a lot of what people are saying to him, whether the others realize it or not. One thing Sansa said to Jon recently was that he needs to not be stupid like their father and Rob or he’ll be killed just like them. Pride, honor and really stubbornness to their ways are what ultimately got Rob and Ned killed. So while going to Dragonstone is definitely a risk, holding up shop in the North because of stubbornness is a sure fire way to die.
Something I am stoked to see though is if Khaleesi truly needs Jon Snow to bend the knee. While it doesn’t seem like he has any real aspirations to sit on the Iron Throne, if you remember his days with the wildlings, Jon grew to respect and idolize, really, Mance Rayder the King beyond the wall.
Mance awakened Jon to a lot of things beyond the blinders the Night’s Watch had put on him, among them the fact that some traditions of the 7 kingdoms are arbitrary and ridiculous.
As we all saw, Jon loved a wildling woman, saved the wildlings from Hardhome, literally got MURDERED by his peers for letting the wildlings through the Wall. Is it that crazy to assume a central ideology of one of his mentors sticks with him? We do not kneel. Or is this the Stark stubbornness I just mentioned that derails Jon Snow?
With Jon heading south, Sansa is now in charge of the North and that sound you just heard was Littlefinger’s erection smashing into the table. And Jon Snow knows it and does NOT like it, despite Littlefinger saving his ass with the Knights of the Vale. Jon Snow is WOKE on Baelish.
I’ve been waiting for this moment for 5.5 seasons and I am a fucking nerd for typing that sentence I know. This is a pivotal moment for Arya as we’re starting to witness her blind determination starting to waiver. When she first landed in Westeros she axed the entire Frey clan and was single-mindedly riding towards Kings Landing to kill the queen. Now she sees her direwolf for the first time in years, the same one she had to chase off in season 1 to save her after Nymeria bit that sonofabitch Joffrey. It really is quite impressive they recognize each other after all this time. Doesn’t seem like Nymeria is ready to be anyone’s pet as she’s currently running the goddamn jungle as a wolfpack leader, but I doubt we’ve seen the last of her. I keep telling people this, but Thrones does not waste a second of dialogue and very rarely leaves loose ends (looking at you Gendry).
Oh and Hotpie’s alive too.
BTW, Anyone else notice Arya’s mannerisms now? When talking to Hotpie she is eating, speaking and acting JUST like the Hound. Real short. No niceties. — “Got any ale?”
House Targaryen
Moving on, props to Varys for the most badass speech in his character’s history to convince Khaleesi he’s here to help. I don’t think she necessarily trusts him, but she understands his motives. All she asks is if you think I’m doing a shit job, tell me, don’t sail to Essos and plot a coup.
Olenna Tyrell is still a badass old lady who gives no fucks, asking the Mother of Dragons “Your grand plan was to march down here and use our armies?” The lady is fearless, have to give her that. And I think Khaleesi realizes she can learn a lot in the ways of Westerosi politics from Olenna. “You’re a dragon. Be a dragon.”
House Lannister
Cersei is calling in her bannermen and spin zoning the SHIT out of Khaleesi’s history (murdering the noblemen AKA the slave masters and feeding them to her dragons). She needs everyone to get her back to help fight off Khaleesi and the only way to do that is to play to people’s fears of the Mad King and the Targaryens in general. Without that, people will just flop to whoever they think will win. But Tyrion makes a GREAT point back on Dragonstone, saying they only way to RULE the 7 kingdoms vs just simply conquering them is with help from the Westerosi people themselves. By working with the Houses that already live there they can truly overthrow the regime, not just smash everything to ashes.
Also, laughed out loud at Jamie trying to get House Tarly to be his No. 1 general and Tarly basically tells Jamie to fuck himself. Welp, back to the drawing board Kingslayer.
WRAP IT UP BOX
I’ve noticed a LOT of loooong scenes this season like the Sam bedpan scene in last week’s episode and this week’s scene of Sam removing Jorah’s gray scale, slowly and painfully, not to mention the overly long Grey Worm sex scene. I don’t know if its due to new directors on Season 7, but the pacing feels out of place. Maybe they’re trying to lull us into a false sense of security because with the long, quiet, drawn out Grey Worm scene I was fully expecting someone to get knifed.
Did anyone notice in the GoT opening credits that at the end of the Wall the water is actually frozen?
No need to climb the Wall when you can walk right around it. Not to mention, if Benjen was right, maybe the White Walkers can’t pass through the wall since it was forged with ice and magic, so going around it seems to be a pretty good solution. Who knows though. When Bran was messing around and got touched by the Night King it allowed him to come into the One Eyed Raven’s cave (and murder him) which he could not do before. This also got Hodor, a bunch of the children of the forest and not to mention Bran’s direwolf killed. So good job Bran.
Also in case anyone already forgot Season 7 only has SEVEN episodes and we’ve already burned through two. So theres only just over a month of Thrones left in our lives before another cold, dark winter. Goddamnit, enjoy the ride.
In this very special edition of The 300s Podcast we breakdown all the Houses, characters, and plot lines of Westeros as Game of Thrones is FINALLY back.
Season 7 premiered this week with “Dragonstone” and after 6 seasons filled with dozens of story lines and hundreds of characters we’re starting to see the wrap it up box in full effect.
Time to start tying up some loose ends. That may have been the shortest GOT opening credits ever as we’ve finally got all the characters on one continent with only a few key players really left. Now lets sort through them, House by House.
House Stark
Arya with one of the most satisfying moments in the show’s history just straight up erasing House Fray in one shot. You knew something was up when the show skipped the traditional into to get started without delay. GOT only does that when a bombshell is about to be dropped.
And boy did they deliver. We’ve seen Arya going down a dark path for a while now as she’s crossing names off her list one by one, but this was her coming out moment. This was where we all sat back and said oh shit Arya is in play, this isn’t a neat little trick any more, she can seemingly take out anyone at anytime. So now she’s on to kill the queen in Kings Landing. At this point does anyone doubt she actually can? The real question is whats her plan? Its not enough to just kill the people on her list, Arya has a flair for the dramatics as we’re now seeing. Does she ultimately take the face of Joffrey/Tommen/Myrcella/King Robert to really drive the dagger home? Or maybe she borrows the face of good old Ned Stark to fully enact her revenge. The North remembers indeed.
Jon Snow kicked off Season 7 by nearly getting cucked by his sister in front of all the North bannermen. Sansa openly questions his decision to not root out the Houses in the North that didn’t support the Starks against the Boltons. You can see the simmering tension in the power struggle as Jon has been proclaimed King in the North, but Sansa is still technically the heir to Winterfell as a trueborn child of Ned and Catelyn. Sansa tells her brother she just wants a seat at the table and that he’s actually quite good at leading, but if they continue to butt heads does this create a bigger problem for House Stark?
House Clegane/Brotherhood Without Banners
The Hound is the first character shown enduring the face that Winter has come, alongside the Brotherhood without Banners. If you remember the father and daughter that the Hound and Arya met last season, ate with and then robbed, it was a green field in a pretty moderate climate.
So Winter is not fucking around and it is creeping south pretty dramatically. The Hound also seems to have bought into the Lord of Light after looking into the flames with Thoros of Myr and seeing the dead marching. After all thats been made of his fear of fire, it will be interesting to see how this plays out, worshipping a fire god and all.
Speaking of Cleganes, the Mountain got himself some fancy new black armor huh? It looks like Cersei has done away with the gold cloaks and donned the Kingsguard (technically Queensguard now) in all black. All black everything just like Cersei’s outfit, is it because she’s in mourning for her children or is she just a black hole of a walking disaster thats about to suck everyone down with her?
House Mormont
Lyana Mormont is still a goddamn G. The fierce little girl from Bear Island legitimately undressing the grown men with decades of experience on her and reducing them to humbled nods.
Jorah Mormont has a meaaaan case of greyscale that has gotten significantly worse. Last season it was like a little bit of eczema on his wrist and now his whole entire arm looks like one of the stone men. Seems like he’s banking on the old maesters, who seemingly don’t do much, to save his ass. Probably ill advised. Can’t be a coincidence that Sam discovered the mountain of dragonglass hiding under Dragonstone though. Maybe thats the ticket to his cure, along with being a White Walker killer.
House Targaryen
Khaleesi FINALLY lands in Westeros after 6 seasons of build up and she gets a pretty baller ass castle with ZERO resistance on Dragonstone thanks to Stannis. The mother of dragons is now firmly within striking distance of Kings Landing so I’m curious how long GOT will play this out. Stannis got from Dragonstone to Blackwater Bay in like 2 episodes, please don’t make this a chore guys. Its also the first time we get a real good look at Dragonstone, its throne room and the overall Targaryen design (chalk full of dragons!) to it aside from the Westeros table map we’ve seen Stannis hover over for years.
Brienne of Tarth
Brienne is still drilling and training Podrick how to fight, who is actually starting to look like a pretty legit swordsman. Tormund is still trying to get it in with Brienne too, telling Podrick he’s “a lucky man” when he sees them fighting. These two will be fascinating to watch this year. Can’t let Jon Snow have the only wildling romance in this whole series right?
House Baelish/House Arryn
Whats Littlefinger’s plan? As Sansa points out, “I know exactly what he wants.” Did Sansa promise her own hand in marriage to Baelish in exchange for the Knights of the Veil? Without his help, Jon Snow would have been toast at the Battle of the Bastards with the Boltons. We all know Littlefinger’s ultimate goal is to climb the ladder of chaos and sit atop the Iron Throne. If he could lock down Sansa, he’d have the Veil and all of the North behind him, but Jon Snow really threw a wrench into that plan in last year’s season finale with the whole King in the North shit.
House Lannister
Jaime seems incredibly weary of Cersei, and rightfully so, because she’s gone off the deep end. “‘Enemies to the east, enemies to the west, enemies to the south, enemies to the north.” Now these two must plan for WTF to do next because legitimately the entire world is coming down on them and soon. Jaime attempting to explain to Cersei the amount of danger their in:
Doesn’t seem like theres going to be a happy reunion between these two and Tyrion either who’s back in town with his new friends.
House Greyjoy
We see Theon and Yara with Khaleesi as they have devoted their ships to the Mother of Dragons, but I think it would be shortsighted not to mention Euron Greyjoy for rocking the first leather biker jacket in Westeros history. Seriously the guy looks like he fell into Bam Margera’s closet. Euron is trying to play everyone and Cersei is not having it. You don’t get verbally abused by Tywinn Lannister for 40 years without picking up some cunning. He mentions he’s looking to marry the most beautiful woman in the world; a queen. BUT, he doesn’t say which one. Keep your eye on this one, he’s officially your Season 7 wild card.
Get Ed Sheeran the fuck off my tv screen. One of the most out of place celebrity cameos ever. It was unecessary, but worst of all it did something Thrones has never done; it made me realize I was watching a TV show. It took everyone out of the show for a few minutes as they asked, why the fuck is Ed Sheeran a Lannister soldier. God that was bad.
Did we really need a 5 minute montage of Sam cleaning up bed pans and dry heaving? Sam and Gilly continue to be the worst story line in the entire show. At least Bran’s storyline got the wrap it up box treatment. Bran legit wasn’t even in Season 5 and then last year he’s traveling through time, talking to Ned Stark at the Tower of Joy 20 years in the past, going face to face with a White Walker and ya know getting Hodor killed. RIP. What has Sam done? Got into a fight with his dad, stole his Valyrian sword (definitely something to remember) went to Oldtown with Gilly and the baby and now is stocking a library and working as a janitor. Riveting. He better come back to Jon with the goddamn secret sauce on how to defeat the Night King.
If thats not enough Game of Thrones talk for you, then stay tuned because we’ve got a brand new segment coming your way real soon…
So I know I’m new to the 300 (Less than 24 hours) but I like to think although this site is 99.9% sports, it is also a celebration of fandom in general. And nothing screams fandom like the internet geeking out at HBO’s guerilla marketing tactics of sending some motherfucking White Walkers out to promote the new season of GOT that is FOUR days away.
Imagine going about your day as an Englishman/woman. Sipping some tea. Wearing a perfectly cut suit. Calling things that are good “brilliant”. Riding a subway system riddled with double entendres like “Shepherd’s Bush”. Then all of a sudden you look up and the Night King himself and a few of his undead commandos are sauntering toward you. Imagine that mixture of utter terror and unbridled excitement. OMG OMG OMG BEFORE YOU BRUTALLY DISEMBOWEL ME INTO A ZOMBIE CAN I GET A SELFIE FOR INSTA(I imagine American and English basics talk the same way)? Unreal man.
Tormund Motherfucking Giantsbane! I am all in on this move. A big man with an undercut and a massive red beard? Sign me up.
In case anyone was unclear, I just want to repeat that the Celtics now have a goddamn viking on the team.
Okay now that we’re clear on that, lets get down to the details. Baynes is a 6’10” center and the Celtics are a team in desperate need of someone who can bang the boards. ESPN compiled these stats in their story on the signing. Baynes isn’t much of a scorer, as he only averaged 4.9 points last year, but he did grab 4.4 rebounds in only 15.5 minutes per game last year. Not to mention the guy “grabbed 21.6 percent of all defensive caroms when he was on the floor last season.” I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty damn good to me.
Detroit averaged a defensive rating of 105.3 last season, which dropped to 98.5 with Baynes on the court, which is huuge. And according to ESPN his overall rebound rate last year was 15.8. The best the Celtics had last year was 13.1 from Kelly Olynyk. And for anyone who watched even a handful of Celtics games last year you know that Olynyk SUCKS on the boards. If Kelly Olynyk can get Pat Riley to pay him $50 fucking million dollars then I can be president. So any upgrade there is money in the bank.
While it may be a bit of a ragtag crew, the Celtics now have Aron the viking, second year big man Ante Zizic and the Daniel Wall himself, Daniel Theis signed out of Germany. Not to mention the Dancing Bear, second year Guerschon Yabusele if the C’s can fit him under the cap and squeeze him on the roster.
Not a ton of star power there, but when you consider who they are replacing (Olynyk and Amir Johnson) there’s nowhere to go but up.
ESPN – The Cleveland Cavaliers have parted ways with general manager David Griffin, the team announced Monday. Griffin’s contract was up at the end of the month, and after extensive talks with owner Dan Gilbert, no agreement on an extension was reached..Cavs star LeBron James, who sources said was not consulted on the decision, tweeted out support of Griffin.
Jesus christ, ya drop 2 out of 3 NBA Finals and all of a sudden Cleveland is turning into a complete shitshow. Canning the GM days before the draft, while the guy is also balls deep into trade discussions just reeks of an impulse decision. Or who knows, maybe Griffin was sick of hearing shit from both ends, getting badgered by ownership and by LeBron, and just said FUCK THIS I’m out.
Either way, this is classic LeBron “I’m not the GM” James through and through. Griffin built the second best team in the NBA and did just about everything LeBron wanted. He traded Andrew Wiggins for Kevin Love. The No. 1 overall pick and LeBron said send that teenager packing I need the white boy who can hit some 3’s and Griffin did it. He gave a max contract to Tristan fucking Thompson.
LeBron bitched the team didn’t have enough talent so Griffin traded for Andrew Bogut (who actually got hurt) and brought in guys like Kyle Korver and Derron Williams. Then the Cavs just happened to run into an all-time team in the Warriors and it wasn’t good enough. Instead of sitting down and figuring out, okay how the hell are we gonna beat these guys in Golden State, ya know, like a competitor would do – instead LeBron throws a bitch fit and gets the GM fired.
LeBron is basically the Littlefinger of the NBA. GM’s getting ousted, coaches getting fired, nonsensical trades and deals being made. The guy just loves the chaos.
LeBron’s little buddy Brian Windhorst can report all he wants how LeBron was “surprised” by the move:
If no one appreciated you Griff I did, and hopefully all the people of Cleveland! Thanks for what u did for the team for 3 yrs! We got us 1🏆
But everyone knows whats up. Griffin was just LeBron’s latest fall guy. He’s the new Mike Brown. The new David Blatt. I’m not the coach, I’m not the GM, you guys built this shitty team not me so I’m gonna throw a temper tantrum and threaten to leave unless you axe this guy.
And that is why we don’t negotiate with terrorists. You pamper these guys and give them everything they want and then they turn around and throw everyone under the bus for making the exact moves you wanted them to make. Sorry LeBron, the Cavs are literally barren of assets to trade for a guy like Jimmy Butler or Paul George because of all these fucking moves you wanted the Cavs to make over the years.
Welp, godspeed to the next guy who’s got to take that job and get cucked by LeBron every day. Rumors are picking up steam now though that Chauncey Billups may actually take the job, which is probably the best thing for the Cavs despite Chauncey Billups having zero experience in the role. Billups can be the Ty Lue of the front office. Ty Lue, the guy who legit told LeBron to go fuck himself, was the best thing for LeBron. So there’s your blueprint Chauncey, godspeed.
Look if Roger Goodell doesn’t wanna come into Foxborough I get it. Why go somewhere where you know the entire stadium is going to at best clown you and at worst treat you like Santa Clause in Philly. But come on man, its time to take the medicine. It’ll be theraputic for all the parties involved. Roger can make his appearance as the ambassador of the league should at one of the biggest games of the year. As Tyrion Lannister once told Joffrey: “You’re absence has already been noted.”
I seriously think Goodell needs someone like Paul Tagliabue to play the role of Tyrion in his life, give him a couple slaps and get his head on straight. You’re the goddamn commissioner of the NFL.
And Patriots fans can scream some F bombs from their seats and their couches. But come on dude, you’ll be in a luxury booth. Then you take the private elevator back to your transport and you’re done. And that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.
To instead go back to Atlanta for the SECOND WEEK IN A ROW is bananas. That shit sticks out real bad. All it does is show that the commissioner is spooked about coming to Gillette. Can’t have that. Go grab a few glasses of merlot with David Stern and Gary Bettman and just listen to the war stories these guys have. They’ve eaten shit at every draft and championship trophy presentation, for years. And they actually seem to enjoy it. Take the medicine, Roger. You need it just as bad as us.
The 300s 