Tag: Patriots

These Are the Stakes the Patriots are Playing for in Super Bowl LII

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Its almost here. Its the last day of cube life before Super Bowl LII. We’ve had boots on the ground to bring you into the Super Bowl Experience, we’ve provided you with Patriots porn, we’ve got you ready to run through a wall for this team, now its time to really analyze this. What are the stakes? What are the Patriots really playing for here?

I for one will be leaving the office at 5:00 pm on the dot like one of the iron mill workers in the Simpsons.

Its officially Super Bowl weekend. Here are the stakes.

Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Robert Kraft are going for their 6th ring together.

Tom Brady is already the all-time winningest QB, he’s already stuffed Joe Montana in a locker. Now he’s looking to take the all-time GOAT title from Michael Jordan. And despite what that walking hot take Doug Gotleib says,

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A win on Sunday makes Tom Brady hands down the greatest athlete of all-time. Big Z already laid out the perfect rebuttal.

Bill Belichick is playing for a fresh paint job on his boat.

Historic radio calls. If the Patriots win Sunday, they HAVE to play the Gil Santos audio right? Like Bob Socci and Zolak have to just turn off their mics and play Gil’s call don’t they? “BACK TO BACK, THREE OUT OF FOUR!”

Tom vs Time will win a goddamn Emmy if it ends with 40 year old Tom Brady winning the league MVP and his 6th Super Bowl ring.

Similar to 2004, the Pats are expected to lose both their offensive and defensive coordinators this offseason, so winning back to back Super Bowls would be a hell of a way to go out for Patricia and McDaniels a la Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis before them.

Do people realize that if the Patriots win it sets up an opportunity to conquer yet another NFL legendary record? No team in the history of the league has ever won 3 Super Bowls in a row? 19-0 will likely never happen and that absolutely breaks my heart, but winning back-to-back-to-back Super Bowls would likely never be matched.

The mental well being of the annual asshole who got the Super Bowl champions tattoo before the team actually plays the game:

Brady, Belichick and RKK getting up on that podium, accepting the Vince Lombardi Trophy and telling Seth Wickersham, Max Kellerman, Bart Scott, Dan Shaugnessy, and every other click-baiting miserable hater 4 beautiful words:

Some Patriots Porn Courtesy of Colin Cowherd to Get You Jacked Up for the Super Bowl

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Its difficult to see, hear, and read everything going on this week leading up to the Super Bowl, but this Colin Cowherd video below is an excellent use of your time. Cowherd goes into what makes the Patriots so damn successful; they’re a business operation.

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  • “When you watch a Patriots game there is a trust between the fans and the team; they’ll get it right.” [after bad losses] “They immediately fix it because thats what the academics do in life.”
  • “The Patriots are the billionaires of the NFL. They have created a system that is reliable, consistent, without emotion. They are capable of avoiding cultural issues, rule changes, and injuries. They’re not beholden to any one employee. And what they did yesterday is what they’ve been doing for years. A systematic consistent dependable product.”
  • “They don’t lead the NFL in penalties, they don’t fumble, they don’t get emotionally crazy, they adapt constantly and they drive you crazy. And I never grew up as a Patriots fan, but the Patriots aren’t a football operation, they are a business operation.”
    “Look at their Super Bowls, they are a David Tyree helmet catch from 6-1. They don’t blow anybody out. They never have. I’d argue in all seven Super Bowls they’ve been the least talented team, but they’re always the smartest, most reliable, most consistent, most prepared.”
  • “They are not a football team, they’re a business operation. They are boring. So is wealth.”

Dan Le Batard Takes a Shot at the Crown, Implies Tom Brady is On Steroids

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NESN – What Tom Brady is doing at age 40 defies all logic. The New England Patriots quarterback has a very real chance of finishing his age-40 season with an NFL MVP award, a Super Bowl MVP award and yet another Super Bowl championship. Most people attribute Brady’s incredible longevity to a combination of alternative wellness, all-time great coaching and, of course, skill. Some, like ESPN’s Dan Le Batard, wonder if there’s a more cynical theory, however. During Monday’s episode of “The Dan Le Batard Show,” the popular radio host essentially asked whether Brady is using performance-enhancing drugs. Le Batard tip-toed around the topic, and never specifically said “steroids” or PEDs,” but it was abundantly clear what he was talking about.

So Dan Le Batard took some time off from ugly crying on his own show to take a shot at the crown and insinuate Tom Brady is popping PEDs.

“And this is what I want to ask you: … When faced with a quarterback who is aging in a way that has no precedent in the history of aging, is there any particular reason that people aren’t questioning that?” Le Batard asked co-host Stugotz. “Man, we climbed into Peyton Manning … Peyton Manning doesn’t look the part on pharmaceuticals, and Al Jazeera was climbing around in his wife’s stuff, trying to get at the hormones. “And so what I’m asking you is, is it an unfair question to wonder whether, when facing something that has literally no precedent in the history of football or aging, to be like, ‘how?’“

What is Dan Le Batard even talking about here? We climbed into Peyton Manning? NO YOU DID NOT. This is exactly why people around here hate Peyton Manning. Guy got a total free pass from the media. The Peyton Manning comparison makes absolutely no sense. It was an absolute NON-STORY on ESPN, ya know Le Batard’s network, because the Manning Mafia hit the wrap it up box on that whole story real quick.

ESPN barely mentioned it and when they did they basically said, no you see Peyton wasn’t taking anything, his wife was just getting HGH shipments to a since-closed facility in a fucking strip mall in Indianapolis, even though they live in Denver.

And for the record, I don’t care if Peyton was taking horse tranquilizers from the Eastern Bloc. Do what you gotta do, especially if said remedies have you tossing 50+ TDs a year after a debilitating neck surgery.

I just know Brady would be on the cover of the New York Times and every other media outlet in the world would be screaming some nonsense about cheating if it came out he was having boxes of HGH shipped to Giselle.

Its times like these I need to remind myself and everyone around me to not do exactly what I’m doing right now and get all riled up. Tom Brady has 5 Super Bowl rings and people want to poke holes anywhere and everywhere they can. So Dan Le Batard, Rob Parker, and Max Kellerman can all go take a fat hike.

 

Tom Brady’s Hands Will Be Fine

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Tom Brady will be fine. Did you see his hands? They’re beautiful.  

Although I gotta say that press conference today made me a little nervous. TB12 shows up rocking gloves again and then dodges any questions about not only the injury, but he was noncommittal on even playing Sunday.

So Aaron Hernandez Was a Combination of Horrifying and Hilarious During His Time in Jail

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So this article describes Aaron Hernandez, unsurprisingly, as a terrifying combination of a 6’1″ 245 lbs gang member with a penchant for hilarity. Ya know, like an actual sociopath. It basically sums up his time in prison as Rorschach from Watchmen:

Horrifying.

“Hernandez was sent a care package of two dozen honey buns in violation of prison policy; before officers could confiscate the buns, he ate 20 of them, saving the wrappers so he couldn’t be accused of passing them to other inmates. Guards denied his request to eat the last four.”

Hilarious.

“He called one officer a “scared bitch” after the officer denied him an extra meal, and threatened to kill the officer and his family after he got out of prison. (“I did not say I was going to kill him or his family,” Hernandez later said. “I said if I see COs that act tough in jail, out of jail, I’m going to slap the [expletive] out of them.”)

Horrifying.

“Corrections Officer Joshua Pacheco noted the ways in which Hernandez would consistently seek to get under the officers’ skin: “He is constantly kicking his cell door and screaming at the top of his lungs, utilizing profanity at times when he wants something, regardless of how minuscule it is. It is not uncommon for Hernandez to kick his cell door constantly until an officer approaches his cell merely to ask the officer for the current time. This to him is comical, causing a disruption in normal operation within the unit.”

Hilarious.

“Hernandez had a variety of encounters with guards that tiptoed right up to the edge of threats: challenging guards’ manhood, hinting at dreams in which Hernandez had hunted the guards, and so forth. All in all, of the 10 months he was in the prison, Hernandez spent 120 days in solitary confinement. (According to a Yahoo Sports review of prison documents, Hernandez was charged with 99 disciplinary offenses and 24 major incidents during his nearly four years of prison time at two facilities.) Once, while guards were securing him in his cell, Hernandez beat his chest and defiantly proclaimed himself to be “tough. I’m built for this [expletive].”

Horrifying.

What an enigma Aaron Hernandez was.

So To Recap, Landon Collins Wants Eli Apple On His Team, Does Not Want Bill Belichick

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For a lot of football fans from my general age group, which I guess is to say people between the ages of about 26 – 33ish (?), one of the most beloved positions is that of the oversized Safety. As much as skill position players were revered growing up, men that could perform feats of athleticism on the football field that simply didn’t seem possible, there were also muscle-laden sentries patrolling the back end of a defense who were just as celebrated. They were there for the sole purpose of instilling the fear of death in those athletic touchdown seekers. There was John Lynch and Roy Williams. There was Brian Dawkins and Adrian Wilson. They were taller than other DBs. They were stronger than other DBs. They were there to hurt you.

A quick side note: This breed of safety is not to be confused with the new smaller LBs, often referred to as S/LB hyrbids, such as Deone Buccanon. Those guys are incredible but are just historically smaller Linebackers fitted into that position to adjust for the way athletic Tight Ends are used today, among other reasons.

Which brings us to Landon Collins, a player, as you can imagine, I have a great admiration for. He comes from that previous breed of SS. He is going to roam around in a zone, find you with the ball, and flick the hitstick upward as hard as humanly possible. He’s 6’0, about 220lbs, and doesn’t much care for the well-being of himself or others. It’s a delight.

There’s a caveat it seems though. When it comes to the business side of football, particularly who he’d want in his locker room, from an interpersonal angle, he’s a bit of a dumbass.

The Giants’, Geno Smith’s part-time team and Collins’ employer, have a Cornerback by the name of Eli Apple. He was drafted 10th overall, which is particularly high, last year out of Ohio State and proceeded to move to New York with his Mom, which may or may not be totally normal, to begin his successful NFL career. Not all went accordingly to plan. All of this season there were reports of Apple’s teammates resenting his attitude and effort. He seemed genuinely disliked and his play wasn’t exactly making up for his momma’s boy persona. Landon Collins, in his 3rd season and now a leader of not only the Giants but of the defense Apple also plays on, decided to publicly air out his grievances, saying that Apple needed to “grow up”. Although this isn’t something that someone like, I dunno, Bill Belichick, would want you to do, it’s a fairly boilerplate criticism. Things like this have been said before in the sports world and will be said again. One could have passed it off as Collins trying to use the media to motivate Apple.

Then Landon Collins doubled down. In late December, without naming Eli Apple but by singling him out by the power of deduction in naming other teammates, ole #21 straight up called Apple a “cancer” in an ESPN Radio interview. A “cancer”. The big “C”. Arguably the worst thing you could call a teammate. Being labelled a locker room cancer is a stink that sometimes never comes off a player. In my opinion it is the worst thing that can be on your athlete resume, on or off the field items included. However, Collins apologized to Apple. This was after a publicized meeting between him, the 2nd year corner, and DC Steve Spagnuolo. It seemed meaningful. It seemed they had turned a page. Collins even came out more recently and said he wants Eli Apple back his team, despite speculation that the Giants would cut the chord on the problem child. This is all great stuff. True Leadership from the receiver-seeking missile. Then, a plot twist.

Days after saying he wanted a guy he previously referred to as CANCER back on his team, Landon Collins, Professional Football Player, came out and said he wouldn’t want Bill Belichick as a coach. Collins said he’s too strict. He runs thing in a way that is not to Collins’ liking. That last part I get. As much as I love the jumbo sized Safeties of yore, they never did particularly care for things like “coverage” and “perfect tackling form”, things that Belichick has a soft spot in his heart, if not a hard on, for. The thing is, Bill Belichick is arguably the great coach of all time, and is definitely one of the most winning, and Eli Apple is an asshole who is bad at his job. Of Belichick, Collins actually said in that radio interview something along the lines of, and I’m paraphrasing, “ya it’s cool he wins and all, but…” That’s just plain problematic folks. When a leader of your D and someone that is often seen as very competitive makes a case to bring back the twerp he referred to as a 50/50 curable disease but doesn’t want this one guy to be his new coach because, even though he wins a fuckload, he’s a kinda strict, there is a huge issue in his thinking.

Everyone is entitled to his or her opinions. And when you are one of only a few, true Strong Safeties left in the NFL, I suppose you deserve the benefit of the doubt. If I were Landon Collins though, next time you take a clearly lesser parties side in an argument, don’t call them AIDS first. Bad look. Bad look indeed.

After the Recent Hit Piece on the Patriots I Have Never Been More Confident Than I am in Them This Weekend

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ESPN – The Patriots are in uncharted territory. They haven’t just won games and titles. They’ve won at an unprecedented rate and over an unprecedented span, which makes the feelings of entitlement creeping inside Gillette Stadium unprecedented as well. The Patriots, in the only statement anyone associated with the team would make on the record for this story, responded to specific questions by saying that there are “several inaccuracies and multiple examples given that absolutely did not occur,” though they declined to go into detail. But according to interviews with more than a dozen New England staffers, executives, players and league sources with knowledge of the team’s inner workings, the three most powerful people in the franchise — Belichick, Brady and owner Robert Kraft — have had serious disagreements. They differ on Brady’s trainer, body coach and business partner Alex Guerrero; over the team’s long-term plans at quarterback; over Belichick’s bracing coaching style; and most of all, over who will be the last man standing. Those interviewed describe a palpable sense in the building that this might be the last year together for this group.

They Hate Us Cuz They Ain’t Us, indeed. I know we as Patriots fans say this a lot, but the media is routinely trying to drive a wedge where it doesn’t exist. Lets just state the facts. The Patriots won their division yet again, finished the year 13-3 with the No. 1 seed in the AFC, and are the favorites to win the Super Bowl with a 40 year old QB who will likely win the MVP. All after losing their top receiver in Julian Edelman and their best defensive player in Dont’a Hightower. Yet the entire organization is crumbling from within? All because Belichick had to trade a backup QB playing behind the goddamn MVP and Brady said some mean words to McDaniels on the sidelines? Fuck outta here. Its not paranoia if its true right?

So now the entire world is claiming the Patriots are imploding and that hack Seth Wickersham (author of the infamous hit piece on Tom Brady and TB12, which we addressed here) is reporting the holy trinity of Brady, Belichick, and Kraft will break up after this year. All because of some tension and some arguments? You know who has no tension, no arguments, and an easy job? Losers.

To top it all off, the New York Daily News recently reported that Belichick “wants to be the Giants coach.” So Belichick is going to jump ship and leave the organization where he became the Greatest Coach of All Time to go coach the 3-13 NY Giants? Who also have an ancient QB? He’s already the highest paid coach in the NFL with all the power in the world and the longest leash imaginable. The guy survived two alleged cheating scandals amidst 5 Super Bowl titles and 7 SB appearances, not to mention 6 (soon to be 7) consecutive appearances in the AFC Championship game to go along with 14 out of the last 15 AFC East titles. He’s gonna leave that just because he got into an argument with his boss?

With all that being said we still have a playoff game to handle this Saturday night as the Titans come to town and I could not be more confident that the Pats will blow doors. The Titans had an awesome comeback against the Chiefs, who blew yet another playoff game:

But in doing so have locked themselves into a matchup with the Patriots. Marcus Mariota looked like the guy who the Titans originally drafted out of Oregon before a broken leg late last year. The guy was laying game clinching blocks on defensive lineman, scrambling making plays with his feet and he was even throwing Touchdown passes to HIMSELF.

But if you think a second year QB who leads a self described “exotic, smashmouth offense” that relies on the running game is going to come into Gillette Stadium and beat Tom Brady and Bill Belichick then you are outside of your mind.

And Las Vegas seems to agree as the spread is set at -13.5. Two touchdowns is a HUGE spread, especially in a playoff game. The only other game this weekend with a spread larger than -4 is Jacksonville at (-7.5) Steelers, even though the Jags beat Pittsburgh earlier this year.

This game reminds me of the 45-10 dismantling of the Broncos and Tim Tebow in the 2011 playoffs where Brady threw 6 touchdown passes. Any other team that was surrounded by controversy in a bye week would have you worried, but with the Patriots its just fuel for the fire. Plus after this whole shit storm, Tom Brady Instagrammed this:

Pats by 17. Lock. It. In.

 

All Of This Brady/Belichick/Kraft Bullshit Has Me Questioning Who I’ve Been Loyal To All These Years

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So unless your New Years resolution for 2018 was to turn off all devices, ignore the internet, and in general avoid humanity you know that ESPN published a nuclear bomb (topical metaphor) of an article regarding the three-headed relationship between Belichick, Brady, and Mr. Kraft. The TL:DR of it is that “sources” say Brady is calling a lot more shots and Kraft made Belichick trade Saint Jimmy, among other uncomfortable decisions made and actions taken by various parties involved, and now Belichick is generally unhappy with his situation in New England, as is Brady with Belichick.

Honestly there is probably a lot of truth in the whole thing. I’m sure Brady and Belichick butt heads. I’m sure Belichick is never truly satisfied with his position. I’m sure they’ve never been best buds. I’m sure the Coach, whether on the surface or deep down, didn’t want to trade Jimmy G, but had to, under orders or by virtue of winning football games/good football strategy. With all that said, the writer Seth Wickersham, has been churning out attack pieces on the Pats since GodKnowsWhen and definitely put as ominous of a slant on it as possible. If nothing else, the Big 3 of the Patriots are completely dedicated to winning, and to some end I’m sure all 3 know New England is the best place to do it.

It did get me thinking though. I actually kind of had an existential moment and, in a way, I suppose this is a bit of a confession. As I read sentences that openly pondered whether or not Brady or Belichick, or both, were on their way out, I actually asked myself if I would still give as much of a shit about the Patriots without them. DO NOT GET ME WRONG I did not become a Pats fan upon the team’s success or the arrival of the two  aforementioned current pillars. Patriot fans around my age are always getting shit for being too young to be able to appreciate their success but they won their first title when I was about to turn 12. Over a decade without a sniff of success is a good chunk of time. I got my start pretty early in sports so I remember some putrid Bledsoe years. I remember no name running backs. I remember going to the Super Bowl in 1997 knowing we were going to get smoooooked by Brett Favre. So ya, I’ve been a fan for awhile.

This dynasty though, man. Belichick, Brady, Mr. Kraft becoming “Mr. Kraft”. This has been special. This has been a contingent of people, personalities, and philosophies all of its own, existing inside the history of a ~60 year old football franchise. And there have been other players we’ve gotten attached to that have come and gone as well. Mike Vrabel. College wrestler Stephen Neal. Ben Watson. Tully Banta-Cain. Would we have the fond memories and continued affection for those players if they didn’t come to us during these 18 years? Do I give as much of a shit about Vrabel, for instance, if he caught those 8 TDs as a goal line tight end from 5 other quarterbacks who aren’t Tom Brady while being coached by a coach who isn’t Bill Belichick? Probably not.

So let’s say Belichick thinks he has outstayed his welcome and bounces after this year. Next season we have someone else underneath the headset. Brady, Kraft’s guy, jogs out onto the field. Devin McCourty stretches on the sidelines. They score and on the ensuing kick Matt Slater pins the opposing team at their own 2. Does it feel as special? Are we still living the same dream? Do I really give as much of a fuck? Or is it The Office without Michael Scott? I’m a huge fan of those episodes. You have a dump in your pants if you say they weren’t funny. But a certain spark was missing. A special element. No one could deny that.

So I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ve become the obsessive, psychotic, my-girlfriend-doesn’t-watch-football-with-me-anymore guy because of a growing love of football and the Pats or because of the characters involved. It’s almost an impossible question to answer. The chicken or the egg, the coach and QB or adolescence. I’ll watch the Pats until I die because there isn’t anything else to do on Sundays, I love football, and my happiness is in their hands whether I like it or not. But whether wins and losses, picks and touchdowns, sacks and missed opportunities keep me up at night or not without Belichick, or Brady, is a huge question. One that so far has taken 18 years and three of the best football minds to answer. I just hope they still haven’t come to their conclusion.

Patriots Drop an Ugly Game to the Dolphins with Steelers Looming

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Last night the Patriots lost 27-20 to the Dolphins in a shitshow of a game. They didn’t have Gronkowski who was out due to suspension from the people’s elbow he dropped on a guy last week, but Miami hit em hard, shut down their receivers and even pretended to deflate the football (I guess?) after a TD.

It was ugly. For all the people saying this loss doesn’t matter, it’ll sure as shit matter if the Pats lose a tight one to the Steelers next week. Then the Patriots are facing the prospect of opening the playoffs on the road in fucking Jacksonville. Not like the Jacksonville is this powerhouse that you should fear, but the Patriots could very easily slip from the No. 1 seed with home field advantage to having to hike down to Florida for a playoff game in front of those diehard fans watching from goddamn swimming pools.

If we learned anything from this game its that the Patriots can lose one of Edelman or Gronk and still manage, but they absolutely cannot lose both. They won the Super Bowl last year without Gronk, but Edelman balled out all year and made all-time catches in the SB.

This year the Pats have been surprisingly fine on offense without Edelman because Gronkowski, Amendola, Cooks, Hogan, and the stable of runningbacks have shared the load. But without both Edelman and Gronkowski? Well without both the Patriots went 0-11 on third down last night. An absolutely absurd stat for a team that routinely moves the chains on offense. Without that horse of a man to draw double coverage and make big plays when you need em most, the Pats offense looked strikingly like their defense last night; a bunch of JAGs.

This was a game I worried about going into for the sole reason that dirtbag Ndamukong Suh gets off on hitting Brady late, low, and hard. And the delusional Dolphins fans that defend him.

The Dolphins have a legit defensive line with him and Cameron Wake, and Jordan Phillips, which we all know is the one thing that seems to disrupt the Pats. Throw in the fact that they ALWAYS seem to struggle when playing down in Miami late in the year and this had all the makings of a trap game with Pittsburgh looming next week.

So the Pats get down early for the first time in about a month of football and now facing a 17 point deficit, Suh and the boys are able to just pin their ears back and tee off on Brady. Not ideal.

Granted they almost came back and they probably would have if not for a ton of uncharacteristically sloppy plays. Not converting late in the 4th on 1st and goal from the 1-inch line is unexcusable. The Patriots did not look themselves at all with James White drawing an illegal motion penalty, Solder taking a holding penalty, and a couple of busted plays later the Pats are kicking a 35 yard FG. Granted they still would have had to recover an onside kick either way to have a chance, this series was a microcosm of the entire game. Bad execution, some poor throws by Brady, not enough time to throw, and just overall sloppy football.

Its for those exact reasons that I fully expect the Patriots to blow doors in Pittsburgh next week. Those guys are marshmallow soft and are feeling themselves just a bit too much for a team that has had to squeak out wins over dog shit teams. Over the past month the Steelers have beat the Colts by 3 points, smoked the Titans by 23, barely beat a Brett Hundley led Packers team by 3 points, beat the Bengals by 3 points, and the Ravens by 1 point. Not exactly the class of the AFC there. Sure, the Pats haven’t played the hardest schedule either, but before last night they weren’t just squeaking by like Pittsburgh. They were fucking demolishing teams, or tomato cans as Shanks likes to put it. Over the same period of time New England has blown out the Broncos by 25 points, the Raiders by 25 points, the Dolphins by 18 points, and the Bills by 20 points.

Don’t be surprised when they take the Steelers to the woodshed on Sunday.