CONNECT.THAT.HEADLINE! – “Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey Sent Beard Shavings to Azealia Banks So She Could Make an Amulet to Protect Him from ISIS”

NME –  But while her claims largely went unmentioned, they’ve been reference in a new piece on the Twitter CEO by Vanity Fair. writer Nick Bilton says: “A source who worked with him told me Dorsey had sent a rapper his beard shavings to make him an amulet that would protect him from evildoers.”


What you, the readers of The 300s critically acclaimed “CONNECT.THAT.HEADLINE” column, gloss over is the cross I bear in writing these. That burden is the fact that I would love to just sit back, as most due with such a lead, and ask “what in the actual fuck?” allowing my mind to wonder. But no, I must leave nothing to the imagination and delve deeply into the subject at hand, trying to make sense of how these ad lib-ish series of words are connected.

First and foremost if you don’t know who Jack Dorsey is, he is the CEO of Twitter. I, as you know, have sworn off actual, formal research but from what I….think? I know he is a mix of more suave, nameless tech execs that have sprouted up over the last few years and Dan Bilzerian. Basically he is formal, but likes to party.

As for Azealia Banks, she’s a tough one to describe. To sum it up,  in today’s day and age it would seem that it is not uncommon for a rapper to become a “someone”, largely based off social media, and then sort of put rap on the backburner in favor of other shit. Azealia Banks in particular would appear to have put her musical artistry on hold in lieu of being just kind of a crazy person. She picks fights with whomever and is VERY into all the mystical and astrology-type shit that a lot of people on twitter tend to be. A synopsis of Ms. Banks would be that she was an on-pause musician turned voodoo witch doctor shit stirrer. An “American Horror Story” character with #bars, if you will.

I can’t tell you how ISIS, or Jack Dorsey’s specific fear of ISIS fits into the mold. Islamic militants use social media heavily to recruit so one would think their ranks would be toasting the head of Twitter and pledging to save him a virgin in heaven at their annual summer outing. On the other hand, Twitter pays really well and ISIS literally has people quitting over pay , so I could see some resentment building when you are, in your mind, dying in the name of God and some pasty fuck is making literally 1000x what you are to write computer code for a blue bird.

And so good readers, to ward off the evil wishes of ISIS, Jack Dorsey did the only logical thing and sent his beard trimmings to an absolutely not stable internet personality/rapper to make him a necklace. To defend him from those terrorists. IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.

These are fun.

-Joey B.


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