I Am Fairly Torn to be Rooting Against Mallory Edens

CBSSportsWhen this season started, the Boston Celtics were a popular pick to represent the Eastern Conference in the NBA Finals. Now, it’s the Milwaukee Bucks who hold that distinction. After both swept their first-round series, Boston and Milwaukee will square off with a trip to the conference finals on the line, and what a series it should be. Game 1 is scheduled for Sunday at 1 p.m. ET. Below are some quick thoughts on things to watch for in this series.

Can we talk as friends? Cool. The lead in above ^^^ really has nothing to do with anything besides the fact that the Celtics are indeed playing the Bucks. But the Bucks have an owner. This should not matter to me in the slightest as I am indeed a lifelong Celtics fan to the extent that I cried when Paul Pierce did. But it does.

The Bucks are owned by Wes Edens, a genius hedge fund guy that very well could have been one of the inspirations for Bobby Axelrod. By all accounts he cares about winning and loves the team. They’re not just a trophy or a toy to him like some teams are to some owners.

My friends Wes Edens has a daughter, Mallory. And here is the things folks. Mallory Edens is the ultimate object of my IG affection. For all the bizarre butt models and tattooed ho-urs I follow on the ‘Gram, Mallory Edens is the one I give a tasteful smirk to whenever she posts. She’s not a slutty distraction from the work day and monotony of life that makes me question my own validity as a human being and completely disqualify myself as someones life partner; she’s a hot as hell, Princeton educated, actually pretty funny woman of class. Just a rarity in today’s world/my follows.

And now her team must be destroyed. Mangled. Disembowled. If Mook has to murder the very likeable Giannis to do so so be it. I need this NBA Championship. And if the Celtics need to annihilate the team my IG crush-Father-In-Law owns, so be it.

So Mal, can I call you Mal? If you’re reading this, maybe we were never meant to be. On second thought, definitely not. You’re a trust fund kind from Princeton who likes horses and the Caribbean. I’m a State School kid in corporate America who likes getting kicked in the head in between sessions of beers and keno. Opposites might attract. Different species generally don’t.

So here is a goodbye before a hello. Cheers to a lifetime of happiness. When the bus pulls back into Milwaukee tell them I said “say hi to your mother for me”.

Fuckin go Celtics.

-Joey B.

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