Category: News

Scientists Just Changed the Rules on Blood Pressure. Half of Americans Now Have High Blood Pressure

By on • ( Leave a comment )

Yahoo – New guidelines lower the threshold for high blood pressure, adding 30 million Americans to those who have the condition, which now plagues nearly half of U.S. adults. High pressure, which for decades has been a top reading of at least 140 or a bottom one of 90, drops to 130 over 80 in advice announced Monday by a dozen medical groups.

In the ultimate bait and switch, half of Americans now apparently have high blood pressure. Well, fuck. This is the definition of moving the goal posts. Americans are phenomenal at getting things done on deadline and finishing things just enough to be passable. Procrastination and doing the bare minimum. Thats what makes America great again.

So if you tell us for decades that our blood pressure needs to be X, then we (except for the morbidly obese) will get somewhere around that number. No ones trying to be an Olympic athlete and have even better BP for no damn reason. So when you scientists up and change the rules on us under the darkness of night, well then we’re all up shits creek.

Telling us that we’re now all suffering from high blood pressure seems like a great way to sell more high blood pressure medicine, but hey maybe thats just me being a big time conspiracy guy. Either way, my blood pressure levels are going to act as if its November 12th, 2017, right before this story broke, and not a day later.

“The change means an additional 14 percent of U.S. adults have the problem, but only 2 percent of these newly added people need medication right away; the rest should try healthier lifestyles, which get much stronger emphasis in the new advice. Poor diets, lack of exercise and other bad habits cause 90 percent of high blood pressure.”

Apparently the new norm is 120/80 vs the previous 140/90. Welp, despite my diet of GrubHub and binging episodes of Dexter somehow I’m at 121/83 so…sucks to be you guys. Good luck with getting your blood pressure under control before your heart explodes.

Facebook is Stopping Your Nudes from Leaking…by Asking You to Send Facebook Your Nudes Directly

By on • ( Leave a comment )

Ad Age – Facebook is fighting revenge porn in Australia … by asking for access to people’s nude photos. And the Australian government is involved in the effort. This all requires a bit more explanation: Australia is one of a few pilot countries testing a way to stop revenge porn before it happens, as the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, or ABC, reports. People worried their photos might leak online can contact the governmental e-Safety Commissioner, which might ask them to send themselves their own nude images on Messenger. Then Facebook will flag them. If anybody else tries to upload the photo on Facebook or Instagram, they won’t be able to, ABC says. And in case you’re worried, Facebook won’t keep your sexy shots on their servers, ABC says: “They’re not storing the image, they’re storing the link and using artificial intelligence and other photo-matching technologies,” e-Safety Commissioner Julie Inman Grant told ABC.

So Facebook is going to prevent my nudes from leaking by having me cut out the middle man and just send you my nudes directly?

You wanna know how to avoid having naked pictures of yourself end up where they shouldn’t? Don’t send them to dickheads, and turn off the cloud. Thats all ya need to do. That 28-year-old man-child who lives in his parents’ basement and still gets hammered at Applebee’s every weekend? Yea, he’s probably not worthy of your nudes. Its like Glengarry Glen Ross.

“These are the Glengarry leads. And to you they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for closers”

And turn off the goddamn cloud. You know how many times my iPhone has told me its once again failed to sync with the cloud? No shit, phone. Its like Steve Jobs is just ITCHING to see all the pics of my dog on my iPhone. I remember The Fappening. The cloud got hacked and people couldn’t believe it. No thanks, I’ll just store backups of all my shit on an external hard drive like a senior citizen.

So remember this about your nudes, ladies. They’re for closers.

Happy Declassified JFK Documents Day!

By on • ( Leave a comment )

If you’re from Massachusetts then you know JFK is a goddamn legend around these parts. Seriously, I grew up with framed photos of JFK all around my parents’ house. An Irish Catholic Boston boy became the most powerful man in the world; no wonder he’s a folk hero around here. As Frank Costello said in The Departed:

“Twenty years after an Irishman couldn’t get a fucking job, we had the presidency.”

Not to mention the guy was smooth as silk and (allegedly) dated the most famous actress ever in Marilyn Monroe. But of course Lee Harvey Oswald had to go and fuck that up for everyone. 50 years later and people still aren’t entirely sold on what exactly happened or if it could have been prevented. Having sealed, classified documents for five decades breeds skepticism? Go figure. Well Donald Trump just said fuck it lets get in there and allowed a ton of previously unseen docs to hit the public eye. Haven’t had a chance to dive into them myself, but I’m sure we’ll learn some juicy details. From what I’ve heard its more of the CIA and the FBI shit the bed on preventing the assassination rather than second shooter conspiracy cover ups. Either way, buckle up because this should be an interesting couple of weeks.

Donald Trump Makes it Clear He’s a “Merry Christmas” Guy

By on • ( Leave a comment )

This guy is a big dumb animal, but even when its unintentional, he really is fucking hilarious.

“Well guess what, we’re saying Merry Christmas again.”

I mean he’s the ultimate example of “stick and move,” and “deny, deny accuse.” Just smokescreens everywhere. Oh Puerto Rico’s fucked? We’re saying Merry Christmas again. Boom. Huh? Russia? Well did you see these sons of bitches in the NFL? Misdirection strategy like you read about.

Not exactly a master politician, but as the director of the biggest reality TV show the world has ever seen? The guy is goddamn aces. Dude just puts on a show like he’s a talk radio host. Trump is basically Howard Stern at this point.

Assuming we don’t all get nuked to hell before he’s out of office, there’s one thing I know for a fact. And it doesn’t matter whether your a democrat or a republican. TrumpTV will be the highest rated thing in the history of entertainment.

Russia Used Pokemon GO to Mess with US Presidential Election. Wait WHAT?

By on • ( 1 Comment )

Yahoo – Russian cyber experts used the smartphone game Pokemon Go as part of their attempts to meddle with US politics, according to an investigation by CNN. Under the banner of Don’t Shoot Us, a collective that seemed to share the aims of Black Lives Matter but which is now believed to have been run by Russians, online participants were encouraged to use the game to inflame racial tensions. Players were told to visit real-world sites where police brutality had been recorded, and give their Pokemon characters names of victims, such as Eric Garner, who died on Staten Island. The winners of the Pokemon contest would receive Amazon gift cards after sharing images on social media, the Don’t Shoot Us site said. It is believed the campaign was an attempt to encourage black activism and sow discord between Americans.

This is some next level, diabolical shit. Seriously, just when you think this guy:

is a criminal mastermind who has reached his pinnacle, he goes ahead and tops himself. Using Pokemon GO, the goddamn pocket monsters game we all played as we blindly walked into oncoming traffic to catch yet another Pikachu because he had a special new hat.

Using *that* game to “inflame racial tensions” is way beyond the usual espionage type shit. My dumb brain can’t even comprehend a plot like this. Now obviously the scheme depended on same racist assholes to do the leg work, but its crazy how an outside force can really drive a wedge between people like this.

“A source confirmed to CNN that the Don’t Shoot Us Facebook page was one of the 470 accounts taken down after the company determined they were linked to the Internet Research Agency – a Kremlin-linked “troll farm”. The Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts belonging to the campaign are currently suspended. The group’s YouTube channel and website were both still active as of Thursday morning.”

Little late for that now, wouldn’t ya say Zuckerberg? The next time people scream Fake News, I don’t want you to argue with them about the validity of a specific news story, I want you to point them to this. To the goddamn Russian Government using a kid’s game to plant the seed of doubt in people and draw the darkest shit out of our country in the middle of a monumentally historic period. THAT is whats nuts.

Some real deus ex machina shit from ya boy Putin. Bravo, you election meddling motherfucker.

 

Happy Trails, AIM

By on • ( Leave a comment )

TechCrunch – The pioneering chat app that taught us to text is pulling the plug. On December 15th, AOL Instant Messenger will shut down after running since 1997. AIM dominated online chat in North America at the turn of the century. But with SMS and social apps like Facebook and WhatsApp having conquered chat, AOL is giving up the fight with no planned replacement.

Giving up the fight? What fight? I haven’t used AIM in six years, but it was pretty much the same in 2011 as it was in 2001. People complain about Facebook changing its look and features too often, but those changes keep it relevant. Facebook will be twenty years old in seven years, but it’s hard to imagine Facebook dying a death in obscurity like AIM.

Now that pretty much every app on your phone has the ability to send and receive messages from your pocket, AIM really did become superfluous years ago. It’s even a bit surprising this end didn’t come sooner. But broadband internet may of played a bigger role in killing AIM than smart phones. It used to be exciting when your best friend or crush signed on. After broadband internet became common place, no one ever signed off.

And while it is a shame that AOL never figured out a way to freshen up AIM, or keep it a little bit more relevant for a little while longer, it was a trail blazer. Away Messages really were the predecessor to status updates and tweets. Your profile is where you put obscure music lyrics and threw shade at frenemies in the days before MySpace.

But maybe going away is the best thing that could happen for AIM right now. How could we have ever missed Crystal Pepsi or Surge if they never went away? I’ll bet you an Andrew Jackson that AIM is relaunched as an app within the next five years. At that point, younger millennials will remember AIM the way I (an older millennial) remember SEGA Genesis. Now excuse me while I go crush the competition as Stockton and Malone in NBA JAM TE.

The Internet Remains Undefeated with this Donald Trump Larry Bird Mashup

By on • ( 1 Comment )

Regardless of where you stand politically, if you can’t laugh at this video then you’re dead inside. Was Trump making a little too light of a serious situation by swishing paper towel rolls into the crowd in Puerto Rico?

Yea probably, but without his joshing around we wouldn’t have had this glorious mashup with Larry Legend. The winner AND STILL undefeated, undisputed champion, the internet.

Groom Jumps Into Lake and Saves a Little Kid Before His Wedding

By on • ( Leave a comment )

Yahoo -Brittany and Clayton Cook were taking full advantage of the warm September weather on their wedding day, posing for pictures at Victoria Park in London, Ontario, after their ceremony. As often happens, the spectacle of the bride and groom drew the attention of three children, who excitedly watched the photo shoot. But while Brittany posed for a couple of solo pics, Clay suddenly noticed something was wrong…“I saw the kids around, and there were three of them, and then there were two, so I thought, ‘I better just double-check to make sure all the kids were OK,’” he recounts to Yahoo Lifestyle. “When I went over there, he was struggling a bit, so I tried to just get him out of there. I jumped down, reached as far as I could and plucked him out.”

What a wild story, good thing this guy Clay was johnny on the spot here. Dude was in the middle of his wedding day photos (kind of a big deal to the ladies) and notices theres suddenly one less kid watching them. Springs into action and jumps into the lake to save this kid. Great, heroic story, but I just laughed thinking about how the wife is probably sneaky pissed her husband is soaked and ruined the pictures.

Not to mention the bridesmaids definitely went WILD for this guy after he did his best Superman impression. Nothing women like more than having to bat away the floozies on their own wedding day. Probably still gives the guy shit about it to this day.

“I guess if you are going to take anything away from it, it’s the importance of having your kids learn how to swim at an early age.”

Love the wife’s moral of the story too. Not be careful. Not be kind to others. Teach your fucking kids how to swim. Straight to the point. Respect it.

 

RIP Hugh Hefner: The GOAT of All GOATS 

By on • ( Leave a comment )

Michael Jordan. Tom Brady. Steve Jobs. Chuck Norris. These names represent the pinnacle of all that is man. And they don’t even TOUCH Hugh Hefner. The man truly was in a class of his own.

Just stop to think about his life for a minute and really break it down. The guy created a magazine and more importantly a brand where he made a fortune taking photos of beautiful women, threw elaborate parties, and just generally lived life on his own terms. He parlayed that into one of the most fantasy factory-esque establishments ever created in the Playboy Mansion. A place where naked women roamed and guests wore silk pajamas to gigantic parties all while Hef crushed everything in sight.

There is nobody in human history more synonymous with a place than Hef is with the Playboy Mansion. Not Derek Jeter and Yankee Stadium. Not Ted Danson and Cheers. Not even Robert Downey Jr and rehab. Hef WAS the the Playboy Mansion and thats why he was such a folk hero. The guy said fuck living a regular life and built his own dreamworld.

So pour one out for an absolute pioneer, a titan of industry, and a true American hero; Hugh Hefner. RIP Hef.

Iowa Woman Taking Speeding Ticket to Supreme Court

By on • ( Leave a comment )

AP — An Iowa woman who says she was wrongly ticketed by an automated traffic camera when she wasn’t speeding has accomplished the unusual feat of getting the state Supreme Court to consider her $75 small-claims case.

For Marla Leaf, 67, it’s not about money, but about constitutional rights. Her attorney, James Larew, will argue Wednesday that the city of Cedar Rapids, where Leaf lives and was ticketed, is violating equal protection and due process clauses of the Iowa Constitution in part because it delegates police power to Gatso USA — the private, for-profit company hired to run the equipment.

You know how I know Iowa knows that speeding tickets from traffic cameras are bogus? The fine is only $75. The last time someone I know got popped for speeding by an actual police officer the fine was $150. If Iowa thought their traffic cameras were infallible, they would charge the same fine an actual police officer would charge. A fine of $75 is just small enough to not be worth your time to fight it. Not to Marla Leaf, though.

I admire Marla Leaf’s conviction. I’ve paid my fair share of unjust parking tickets, and would have loved to have brought them all to the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court. But after being told to pound sand enough times by parking clerks in the basement of city hall, I’ve learned to just pay my “parking tax” once or twice a year and move on. That’s not how Marla rolls.

I’ve always thought that traffic cameras were bogus. I hate that Massachusetts has moved to all electronic tolling. There’s no way I’m not getting hosed making an airport run eventually. So I’m rooting for Marla and her attorney. If I am legitimately speeding and get pulled over by a police officer, I will pay my ticket. But if I get ticketed by a traffic camera, I’m going to call shenanigans every time. I’d love to see Marla put Gatso USA out of business. The company that produces and operates cameras to fine motorists has to be run by the kids who reminded teachers they forgot to assign homework.

Let’s just hope that Jimmy Larew is a better barrister than Newman.