Tag: Browns

The 300s 2018 Fantasy Football All Cock Tease Team

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Welcome, welcome to our awards. Before we begin I’m going to briefly kick it to our team on tonight’s red carpet…

Thank Joey! Here we see Founder Red wearing a Lakers jersey with camo cargo shorts. I’m really digging his ironic choice that is clearly a protest to our recent cooperation with North Korea. Back to the studio…

Thanks guys! Now before we proceed I should probably explain what these awards actually are about since nobody fucking knows.

We have all picked a bust or 12 throughout our fantasy football seasons, however most are of either the “reach” or “hard on” variety. A “reach”, as is well known, is a player you pick a bit too high, possibly motivated by the fear of someone else picking him. A “hard on” pick, for lack of a more enlightened term, would refer to players that we just personally really like without a ton evidence as to why and that simply don’t work out.

These awards, however, celebrate the “cock teases” – players who are picked at a good time given their value, normally put up good numbers relative to that selection point, yet completely fuck us. They don’t buy us dinner first either, just bend us over the analogous  10, 12, or 16 team table and fuck us.

So without further ado, as composed by and contributed to by our talented staff, I give you The 300s 2018 All Cock Tease Team:

QB: Jimmy Garoppolo, San Francisco 49ers
Red: I was ready for Jimmy G to rise like a phoenix out of the ashes that was my 2017 fantasy season, but in his third game the most handsome ACL in the league exploded and I was stuck with Matt Stafford at QB the rest of the way.

 

RB1: Jordan Howard, Chicago Bears
Mattes: Now, a lot of people might give me crap for drafting Howard in the second round of a PPR draft. First, I’d like to respond by saying it’s only a half-point league, and, second, the guy also had two-straight 1,200-plus-yard seasons and nine touchdowns last year on a bad team. I – like many – expected the Bears to be much-improved this year (which they certainly are), and I also believed new head coach Matt Nagy when he said he’d finally get Howard more involved in the passing game. Then came along Tarik Cohen, and there were also five games this year in which Howard averaged under 2.6 yards a carry. In fact, Cohen actually ended up finishing over FOURTY spots ahead of Howard in the overall rankings this year. Picked the wrong guy, I guess, huh?

 


RB2: Le’veon Bell, Pittsburgh Steelers
GUEST CONTRIBUTION! Patty Blackouts: I mean what is there to say besides he’s a seflish fuck who passed up 850k a week to sit out and try and protect his body to try and get a long term deal. Took him 4th overall thinking he’d show up sometime around end of September or October and nope just sat out all season sending cryptic tweets so you’d think he was going to report and next ya know he’s playing pickup basketball games at the local Y. I hope no one pays him what he wants and he regrets passing up the 14.5 mill he would have been paid this season by signing the franchise tag. But yes I’m bitter because  I used my first overall pick on him in fantasy got the same amount of points out of him as he did paychecks this season….0!

I hope he gets hurt in the next preseason.

Douchebag.

WR1: Quincy Enunwa, Goddam Jets
Red: No one, and I mean no one in my fantasy league watches more Jets games than me as the Mrs. is a huge fan. So watching a team that bad I was determined to derive some value out of it, which is exactly what Quincy Enunwa was going to do for me. Enunwa was going to be the steal of the draft as he put up 15, 12 and 10 points in 3 of the first 4 games, but then his season was derailed by various injuries. He cracked 6 points just once after September…

 

WR2: Golden Tate, Detroit Lions/Philadelphia Eagles
Joey B: Tate started the season as Matthew Stafford’s #1 option in what is normally a high flying Detroit offense. To that end, he kicked off the season with games of  17, 15, 10 and TWENTY FUCKING NINE. After that he completely shit the bed, probably became an asshole in the locker room because he realized his name is fucking Golden, and then got traded to Philly where he had one game of 20, coincidentally the only other time he’s seen the end zone since September, and seemingly is hated by all 12 of Philly’s playoff-ready QBs.

 

TE: Gronk
Joey B: I always pick Gronk wayyyy too high because he plays a position where all of 4-5 guys give you tremendous amounts of points and even among those guys he usually stands out. But this year, as the world knows, was different. He’s just broken and I’m just sad.

 

Flex1: Jarvis Landry, Cleveland Browns
Mattes: Landry wasn’t without a few big games of his own this year. Also like Cousins, Landry was a guy whom I expected to make a huge splash with a new team this season, but instead was super inconsistent. Yes, he had to deal with learning how to play with two different QBs this year, but remember that Baker Mayfield has been playing since Week 3. In the 13 games he’s played with Mayfield, Landry has put up single-digit totals in seven of them. For a guy who averaged 99 catches per season before this year, his mark of 72 through 16 games this year is incredibly disappointing.

 

Flex2: Chris Hogan, New England Patriots
Big Z: With Brandin Cooks in LA and Julian Edelman sidelined for the first four games of the season, I was certain Chris Hogan was a steal in the fifth round. He would be one of Tom Brady’s top targets the first month of the season, and hopefully stay in the mix even after Edelman returned.

Hogan scored two touchdowns in Week 2, but he wouldn’t find the end zone again for three months. By that time I had already dropped him and moved on. Just another cautionary tale of putting too much stock in to a Patriots WR/RB for fantasy football purposes.

 

D/ST: San Diego Los Angeles Chargers
Joey B: With Joey Bosa and company up front and some decent pieces in the secondary, I thought the “pressure creates turnovers” rule would get me some points on D. Instead Bosa got hurt and the Chargers are last in return yards allowed.

 

Kicker: Dan Bailey, Minnesota Vikings
Big Z: Drafting and picking up kickers in fantasy football is a bit of a crap shoot. You just try to pick up a guy who kicks for a team with a good, but not great, offense. If he plays in warm weather or a dome, even better. That’s why I love NFC South kickers and why I will never draft the Bills kicker.

Dan Bailey had a rough 2017 and got released by Dallas. But he was at one time the most accurate kicker in NFL history. When he got picked up by Minnesota, I thought he would be a good guy to take a flier on. Accurate kicker on a good, not great, team that plays its home games in a dome.

Bailey is 20/27 on field goals for the Vikes this year and his 2018 may be worse than his 2017. Yikes. God help the Vikings special teams coach

 

*BONUS: Mid-Season Pick Up Fist Fucker of the Year*

WR: Marquez Valdes-Scantling, Green Bay Packers

Red: MVS was one of the few guys I was first to the punch on in my league and he looked like a STUD. 6’4″ with 4.3 speed and Aaron Rodgers throwing him the ball? Yes please. After a quiet start to the season MVS blew onto the scene with a 4 week stretch of 13+ points. He would post 6+ points just once the rest of the way…

 

 

 

Is Josh McDaniels Salivating at the Suddenly Open Green Bay Packers Job?

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Yahoo – With Mike McCarthy out for the Green Bay Packers on Sunday night, a new question will orbit the franchise for the next month or two: Could New England Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels be the next man in?

A handful of NFL assistant coaches have indicated interest in joining a McDaniels-led coaching staff in Green Bay, according to sources who spoke to Yahoo Sports on Sunday. So much so that at least one has pulled his name from consideration for a college coordinator position. While such a development doesn’t guarantee mutual interest between the Packers and McDaniels, it is an indication the Patriots assistant is maintaining a list of staff candidates if he chooses to depart New England.

It remains to be seen whether the Packers would entertain a McDaniels pursuit, something that seemed unthinkable less than 10 months ago after McDaniels agreed to and then reneged on a commitment to take over the Indianapolis Colts. But league sources told Yahoo Sports as far back as last summer that McDaniels didn’t consider himself to be “burned” when it came to future head-coaching opportunities.

Is Josh McDaniels salivating at the suddenly open Green Bay Packers coaching position? He’d be crazy not to. ESPN can write 10,000 word exposes preaching fire and brimstone, sports talk radio can predict doom and gloom, but I’m telling you Bill Belichick is not going anywhere. This is a man who has lived and breathed football and nothing but football (OK maybe a little lacrosse) his entire life. I fully expect him to go the Joe Gibbs (retired at 67), Tom Coughlin (last coached at 69), Pete Carroll route and coach well into his late 60s. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if Belichick coaches until his late 70s. What else is he gonna do?

So if you’re Josh McDaniels maybe you’re starting to slowly realize that now. It would help explain him leaving the Colts at the altar and turning down that job at the 11th hour. Or maybe he’s known Bill’s not going anywhere for quite some time and was simply scared off by Andrew Luck’s fusilli pasta shoulder.

However, now some PRIME jobs have come open including one with the No. 1 overall pick in Baker Mayfield, whom the Patriots reportedly coveted. If you’re into conspiracy theories, one of the biggest ones of 2018 was that the Patriots were ready to trade Gronk to the Detroit Lions for a first round pick. This came after the Patriots had already traded Brandin Cooks for a first round pick to go along with their own 1st rounder. So New England would have had three first round picks…and the old Jimmy Johnson Draft Pick Value Chart would have pegged these three picks as exactly what the Pats would have needed to trade all the way up to…No. 1 overall. Just some food for though.

The Browns are plagued by godawful ownership though as they’ll be looking for their 4th head coach in 5 years. Not exactly a stable work environment, especially for a guy who flamed out spectacularly in his first head coaching gig in Denver. Something tells me McDaniels is looking for somewhere with a bit more security. Now if only a coaching job with a great quarterback AND competent, patient management was available.

Like say…Green Bay?

With Mike McCarthy getting axed after 13 seasons in Green Bay, this looks like a prime situation for McDaniels. Sure Aaron Rodgers is 35-years-old, but he is still one of if not the best quarterback in the NFL with stable ownership. McDaniels could look at a situation with another aging, stubborn vet in Rodgers and potentially meddlesome ownership and think he’s better off with a younger quarterback where he’ll have a bit more leash to work with.

I have to admit, I completely belly laughed at anyone who said Josh McDaniels would never get another look as a head coach in the NFL. What an absolutely ridiculous statement to make. This is a league that routinely employs wife beaters, degenerates, and drug addicts as long as they can perform. So you think just because the guy was a giant asshole one time that nobody will hire him ever again? His boss is the biggest asshole in the league and he’s also the most successful coach in the league. Not that you necessarily need to be a giant asshole to succeed, but it sure as shit won’t preclude you from any job openings.

Big Z also made some more salient points in the immediate aftermath of the McDaniels decision to spurn the Colts. 

“McDaniels’ decision to stay in New England as offensive coordinator really is shocking. But maybe it shouldn’t be. McDaniels might not actually be worried about finding another job outside of New England. If he went to Indy and things went south in a hurry, it’s possible he wouldn’t get another head coaching opportunity anyways. McDaniels already had one tough stint in Denver. A few disappointing years in Indy could turn him into Eric Mangini.”

OddsShark recently tweeted that Bovada actually has McDaniels as the hands down favorite to become the next Packers head coach for what its worth.

With the Sean McVays (a hire I loved at the time) and the Matt Nagys of the world having so much success as young offensive minds, McDaniels will undoubtedly be back in the mix this offseason if he truly wants to be.

For all the questions surrounding what happened with Indy, why this will be different than his time in Denver, and how well will he do without Tom Brady, there is clearly still a mountain of interest in the guy.

“As one league executive told Yahoo Sports of McDaniels during training camp, “He’s still a young offensive coach who is extremely smart and creative, and that’s something everyone wants now. When the next [hiring cycle] comes, nobody will really care what he did to the Colts if they think they need him. Especially if there aren’t a lot of good guys to choose from.”

So if he wants another shot, it’s there.

 

Top 5 Moments from Week 12 in the NFL

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In case you were too hungover to watch anything else after the Patriots game yesterday, we’ve compiled the Top 5 moments from Week 12. A lot of wild plays were made yesterday so here’s what you need to see.

Christian McCaffrey had a downright Madden kind of game on Sunday rushing for 125 yards and a TD while also catching 11 balls for 112 yards and another TD through the air. Incredible performance from the Stanford product as he continues to prove he’s more than just the “receiving” back many projected him to be in the NFL.

Speaking of Madden type plays, this one from Browns tight end David Njoku for a TD is the exact type of play in Madden that would have made me fire my controller off the wall in college. Glitch city.

We’ve got Seattle runningback Chris Carson doing Matrix type flips on the field. Usually leaving your feet NEVER ends well, somehow Carson ends up right back where he started unharmed and ready to run.

If we’re being honest, that flip and that landing really reminded me more of this than anything else:

Baker Mayfield continues to live dangerously going off for four TDs in a win over the Bengals. After the game he took ex-head coach Hue Jackson, who is now an assistant with division rival Cincinnati, behind the shed after the game.

Ben Roethlisberger just gift wrapped the No. 2 seed for the Patriots with one of the worst interceptions you will ever see. In a game where he threw for 462 yards and a TD, Big Ben completely submarined the entire day with one awful throw.

BREAKING: PATRIOTS TRADE FOR JOSH GORDON

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LETS GOOOO! The Patriots have traded a conditional 5th round pick for Josh Gordon, which is actually cheaper than I had predicted. I will take that all day long. Also, reportedly if Josh Gordon is not active for 10 games, the Patriots will receive 7th round pick back from the Browns.

This is exactly what this team needs right now. Immense, immense talent. Sure he’s only played 11 games over the last 4 calendar years, but this is a guy that could thrive with a QB like Tom Brady throwing him the ball. Again, his best, and only, great season came in 2013 when he went 87 for 1,646 with 9 TDs. Not a lot of guys in this league that can even approach stats like that. And that was with bums like Jason Campbell, Brandon Weeden, and Brian Hoyer throwing him the ball.

Granted the Patriots put themselves in a shit situation by trading Brandon Cooks and letting Danny Amendola walk, but hey you play the hand you’re dealt. And right now the Patriots need a stud receiver. I’ll take that chance as its the ultimate low risk, high reward type move.

Felger and the talking heads will dump on the move, despite complaining for weeks about how the Patriots were hesitant to bring in a guy over concerns of receivers “learning the offense.” It was this or Kenny Britt or Dez Bryant. Dez is three years older than Gordon with a history of foot problems. We’ve already cut Britt once. Give me Gordon. If he’s a bum or he misses practices or he just doesn’t gel with Brady, then cut him.

It’s a great move in an area of need as Belichick jumps on an opportunity after biding his time and rotating in guys like Britt, Cordarrelle Patterson, Corey Coleman, Philip Dorsett, Jordan Matthews and others in 20 moves they made this season at the position.

CUE THE HIGHLIGHTS!

 

Mychal “The Wolf of Broadstreet” Kendricks Is Going Down For Insider Trading

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NFL.Com – Cleveland Browns linebacker and former Philadelphia Eagle Mychal Kendricks has been charged with insider trading, the U.S. Attorney’s Office of the Eastern District of Pennsylvania announced Wednesday morning.

First of all, I’m completely shoving this shovel of shit down the throat of Philly and its fans as a.) Kendricks is their guy. b.) He hasn’t played for the Browns yet. c.) He was charged in PA.

So with that said:

WHAT AN IDIOT. WHAT A FUCKING MORON.

Financial gurus, Wizards of Wall Street, Stock Market mavens, cannot commit insider trading and get away with it. Yet this NFL linebacker thought he could? Ok bud, how’d that go?

It would seem like Kendricks “entrusted a friend” to “help him cheat the stock market” and “really regrets he got caught”. The best part is he is so up shits creek with the Feds that he is blatantly and fully admitting it. Full on “ya got me”. Which means between this, again, NFL linebacker and a Harvard MBA/Goldmans employee they couldn’t commit insider trading good enough to even leave a smidge of reasonable doubt. I mean it’s borderline impressive.

So Mychal Kendricks joins the Burress-Vick club of former NFL players to take a vacation at Club Fed. Or pay a steep fine wiping out his net-worth which he’ll probably regain some of because he’ll only have an 8 second suspension. It’s not like he may have deflated footballs after all.

With LeBron Gone, Cleveland Fans Are Eager to Tank The Economy by Betting Big on the Browns in Vegas

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ESPN – Sportsbooks struggled to attract any action on the Cleveland Browns from the betting public the past two years. That changed this offseason.

Bettors at multiple Las Vegas sportsbooks have been backing the Browns to win the AFC North, the AFC title and even the Super Bowl. At MGM sportsbooks, the Browns have attracted more bets to win the Super Bowl than the Atlanta Falcons, Kansas City Chiefs and Jacksonville Jaguars, who were playoff teams last season. Cleveland is listed at 60-1 to win the Super Bowl at MGM.

Just throw your money in a fire, Browns fans. At least a raging fire is fun to watch.

“There are more bets on the Browns to win the AFC North than the other three teams combined,” a sportsbook manager for Caesars Palace told ESPN. “Only the Raiders and Steelers have more bets to win the AFC [than the Browns]. The public likes the Browns, and I’m not sure why.”

Love me some Baker Mayfield, but this feels a bit premature guys. Remember the last time the Browns got some shine? It was 2008 and the Browns were coming off their best season in years going 10-6 in ’07. So the NFL gave the Browns like 6 primetime games in 2008. What happened? Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards, and that whole motley crew came back down to Earth, the Browns proceeded to do Browns things and went 4-12.  No mas Browns on national TV. So maybe lets just pump the brakes for a minute before you all go and gamble away your rent money.

But, hey, maybe its not about the money.

Maybe they want to show LeBron that they don’t need him and his economic sustaining presence. We got the Browns baby!

 

In the Ultimate Cleveland Move, Browns Replace Pepsi with RC Cola

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Hilarious. Cleveland just can’t get out of its own way. Replacing Pepsi with store-brand soda is the ultimate “we’ve won 1 game in 2 years so we need to save some money” move.

You think Baker Mayfield drinks RC COLA? Not a chance. You drink RC Cola when you’re at your dad’s friends BBQ when you’re 9 and then complain because it tastes like flat paint.

If you want to be a respectable team it starts with the tiniest of details. Do Your Job applies to the concessions just as much as it does to the team on the field. Cutting corners like this will get you nowhere, Cleveland.

Maybe Isaiah Thomas wasn’t wrong.

Jarvis Landry Says the Browns Can Win the Super Bowl. And I Can Be an Astronaut Too

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CBS Sports – With a completely revamped team, the Browns have generated a ton of buzz this offseason — buzz that will undoubtedly only increase when Hard Knocks premiers Aug. 7. One of those new players — wide receiver Jarvis Landry — has already bought into the hype.

“You’ll be lucky if we don’t score 40 on you,” he said in a feature with Sports Illustrated. “If we get everyone playing to their potential, we can win the Super Bowl this year.”

Now we’re just getting into semantics. I mean, technically he’s right. It is “possible” the Browns *can* win the Super Bowl.

They are eligible for that opportunity. But lets not confuse what we can do with what we will do. I *can* be an astronaut. Technically possible. Probably a lot more realistic if I could do long division without my phone and didn’t get nauseous on planes though.

As always, there’s an Entourage quote for that.

Jarvis Landry: “Whats it matter? We wanna do it.”
Ari Gold:

According to NFL.com “Eventual Super Bowl champions average 12.0 wins per season.”

The Browns haven’t won 12 games over the last FOUR YEARS.

Sure, they added Landry, Tyrod Taylor, Josh Gordon (maybe?), No. 1 overall pick Baker Mayfield, Georgia RB Nick Chubb, and others. But are those guys worth 12 Wins Above Replacement? I think not.

I am hella excited to run naked bootlegs with Baker Mayfield and chuck bombs to Landry and Gordon in Madden ’19 though and thats all that really matters.

Johnny Manziel Traded to Montreal. Roadtrip SZN!

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ESPN – The Hamilton Tiger-Cats have traded quarterback Johnny Manziel to the Montreal Alouettes, reuniting him with the coach who recruited him to Texas A&M. Manziel, offensive tackle Tony Washington and offensive lineman Landon Rice were sent to Montreal in exchange for defensive end Jamaal Westerman, wide receiver Chris Williams and first-round picks in 2020 and 2022.

Has Johnny Football lit up the CFL like I had hoped? Not quite yet, but he hasn’t really had the opportunity to showcase himself. He didn’t even record a pass attempt with the Tiger Cats. Now is that a bad sign that he can’t beat out some CFL quarterback to get on the field? Maybe, but the guy in front of him was also putting up some crooked numbers:

“Masoli tied a CFL record with nine straight 300-yard passing games before the team’s Week 5 bye.”

So I would like to see him under center and running around like a madman before I make any assumptions because I think he can still ball.

Manziel now goes to Montreal where the Alouettes are currently coached by none other than Mike Sherman, the guy who first recruited Johnny to Texas A&M. If thats not a match made in heaven then I don’t know what is. This is a guy who went on the recruiting trail to bring Manziel in just a handful of years ago so he obviously likes the guy. Not to mention Montreal is terrible so there should be ample opportunity to get on the field.

“Manziel will try to improve an offense that ranks last in the league in points scored and rushing yards, is tied for last in turnovers, and is seventh of nine teams in passing yards. The Alouettes are 1-4 and in last place in the CFL’s four-team East Division.”

Oh and one more thing.

Yea, Montreal is a mere 5 hour drive from Boston, which means The 300s Does the CFL is a very, very real possibility. And if thats happens then you know its my duty to swipe a Johnny Manziel Montreal jersey on The 300s corporate card (Red’s Visa debit card).

I don’t exactly know when the CFL season runs until because this league is ass backwards in everything they do, but I’m already planning this roadtrip. Reminds me of the English Premiere League where they basically play for 10 months, crown a champion without any sort of playoffs, take 2 months off and then they’re back on the field and I’m back in the Green Briar having a Guinness at 9 am. Round and round we go.

Now the real question is, with so many choices, which Montreal Manziel jersey do I get? Decisions, decisions.

Former Disgruntled Patriot Jamie Collins is Already on a List of the Worst Contracts in the NFL

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Browns Wire – “[Jamie Collins] is entering the second season of a four-year, $50 million deal signed after being acquired in a trade with New England. Collins has the seventh-highest contract at his position group. It’s a major stretch to include him as one of the 10 best at his position.

Collins ranks 19th on the list of the worst contracts for each of the 32 NFL teams. The explanation, from Jason Fitzgerald of indispensable contract tracking site Over The Cap, makes a lot of sense,

Collins is a good player, but he is not a difference-maker and does not play an expensive position. The Browns still signed him to a top-market contract, which treats Collins as if he were an elite-level player. He played only six games in 2017 and recorded just 21 tackles with one sack.”

Remember when every story written about the Patriots was focused around how they had so many budding young stars on defense that they would need to find a way to pay them all? Times have changed. Dont’a Hightower, Chandler Jones, Malcolm Butler, and Jamie Collins. Now just a couple of years later only one remains with the team. That is downright shocking.

Chandler Jones has come back to bite the Patriots hard, despite his fondness for consciousness altering edibles, recording 17 sacks last year, made the Pro Bow and finished 3rd in Defensive Player of the Year voting. I always take this list with a grain of salt because its voted on by the players, but Jones was also ranked 28th in the NFL Network Top 100 Players this year. Meanwhile the Patriots had only two on the entire list, Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, with exactly zero on the defensive side of the ball.

Now the effect of Malcolm Butler’s departure remains to be seen as his tenure kicked off in an absolutely legendary fashion, clinching a victory in Super Bowl XLIX. It clearly ended badly in New England though with his ultimate and baffling benching in Super Bowl LII. I love Butler, I think he’s a great player but we’ll see how he performs down in Tennessee. Unless Butler is an absolute disaster for the Titans from Day 1, there’s probably no coming back from the roasting Belichick will get for benching Butler in the Super Bowl for the rest of his life.

But, moving on to our old friend Jamie Collins. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. For every move that Belichick screws up with a Chandler Jones, theres 10 Jamie Collins he ships out of town. The guy was an athletic freak, most notably jumping the offensive line and blocking a kick, as seen above, before the NFL outlawed that too. Collins fell out of favor though and famously bitched about his role on the team. Bill didn’t even blink before he shipped Collins out mid-season to the NFL purgatory that is Cleveland. That very offseason Collins got PAID by the Browns with a 4 year $50 million deal. I remember all kind of shook our heads. Sure Collins had great potential, but potential doesn’t sign the paychecks.

Well after just one year of that albatross of a contract, a year where Collins played only 6 games and had just 21 tackles, its already on the list of worst deals in the NFL.

Somewhere on the calm and icy blue waters of Nantucket Belichick smiles quietly to himself while laying out in the sun on the VII Rings.