Tag: Gambling

BREAKING: Supreme Court Lifts Federal Ban on Sports Gambling

So earlier today the Supreme Court lifted its longstanding federal ban prohibiting sports gambling, which now paves the way for any state in the country to legalize betting your hard earned cash on sports.

Just in time for that monstrosity of a casino they’re building in Everett too. Now I know not many of you are frequenting Everett, but I was driving through the other day to grab a tasty roast beef sandwich and they might as well be building the goddamn Death Star over there. A town that is one road in and one road out has 1,000 construction workers roaming the streets, the Dunkies, the restaurants, they are everywhere in that town. I can’t wait for that casino to open because 1.) its going to be awesome with sports betting now potentially a go, but 2.) it will also be hilarious how much of a disaster that traffic will be. Like when something pisses you off so bad you just start cackling like a psycho so you don’t actually snap on someone in public? Yea, like that.

But I digress, after today there is no longer a federal mandate in place outlawing sports betting so places like New Jersey that have been fighting to legalize this for years will probably roll out legalized sports gambling by dinner time.

Massachusetts? Who the hell knows. You would think having a casino currently under construction would make this a pretty quick and easy decision, but we also don’t have happy hour in Massachusetts because one asshole got drunk and killed someone 20+ years ago. Puritan states are the best aren’t they? ESPN did categorize Massachusetts as one of the states “Moving toward legalization” though.

To give you a very quick high level breakdown of what this means, and what the holdup has been, here is an excerpt from ESPN:

“The court ruled to strike down the Professional and Amateur Sports Protection Act (PAPSA), a 1992 law that barred state-authorized sports gambling with some exceptions. It made Nevada the only state where a person could wager on the results of a single game.

States that want to offer legal sports betting may now do so, and New Jersey plans to be first. Delaware, Mississippi, New York, Pennsylvania and West Virginia are among the states expected to quickly get into the legal bookmaking game…One research firm estimated before the ruling that if the Supreme Court were to strike down PAPSA, 32 states would likely offer sports betting within five years.”

ESPN also stated in an FAQ that they expect New Jersey to have its operation up and running within weeks, “potentially in time for the NBA Finals.” So thats exciting for all of us degenerates, but it may put your bookie out of work and force him to go back to working night shifts at the power plant or as a misunderstood janitor for an Ivy League college.

I have absolutely zero desire to ever go to New Jersey and this ain’t gonna change shit, but if you live in the area this may be what brings Atlantic City back from the dead. Legalized gambling could put so much coin in Jersey’s pocket that Atlantic City will look like Nucky Thompson is running that town again.

I think this will benefit the states more than anything because if I want to bet on something I’ll just go online and bet on it somewhere. Allegedly. But if theres a place down the street from me that is reputable, regulated, and of course financially backed then why not just go there? Thats tons and tons of money going into the state’s pocket thats coming almost entirely out of thin air. There’s next to no product they need to market and sell, they just need to take every dummy’s money and then pay out the lucky ones. Thats how the mob ran this country for so long. Which also raises the question; if this is so easy to do and theres so much extra money going into gambling, whats to say this doesn’t make corruption in sports, point shaving, etc. all the more likely? To be completely honest, we won’t know until the first schmuck with a plan gets busted. But as any industry that steps into the light knows, the more publicly traded, scrutinized and regulated an industry is, the more difficult it is for said industry to be filled with corruption.

The *real* fun will start though once the brick and mortar gambling shops have ironed out all the kinks and they start offering mobile betting. Assuming they don’t geofence the arenas/ballparks and block the apps functionality, you could in theory be sitting in the bleachers at Fenway and placing over/under bets in the 6th inning from your seat. Then go stroll down Comm Ave and pick up your winnings after the game. That my friends will be a goddamn blast. Money won is sweeter than money earned.

If you can’t handle that and you lose all your money, thats on you pal. Don’t ruin the fun for the rest of us because you can’t manage your vice. If you can’t spot the sucker when you walk into a room, chances are its you.

Viva la gambling.

 

The 300s Plays the Ponies: Kentucky Derby Edition

So with one of the biggest gambling days of the year, the Kentucky Derby, falling on one of the biggest drinking days of the year, Cinco De Mayo, it was only right for the whole staff to put down a month’s worth of rent on some ponies. Live odds for the Kentucky Derby can be found right here, but its almost better if you don’t even know the odds because if you tell me you know what you’re talking about I immediately picture Kramer at the track.

Without further ado The 300s Plays the Ponies:

Big Z: I’m taking Bolt d’Oro as my pick. My trifecta pick is Bolt d’Oro, Good Magic, and Vino Rosso 1-2-3. I’m picking this on Friday morning, so hopefully no one ends up at the glue factory before tomorrow night. I’ll never forget the time my dad bet on a horse at Suffolk Downs during the Hot Dog Safari that broke its leg on the way to the post.

Papa Giorgio: Justify and Mendelssohn getting the early love from the experts, My Boy Jack is my vote based on the name alone. Derby is a great race to bet, best spread all good ponies, good way to make some cash

Joey B: Flameaway. The New York Times described this horse as girtty and thats all I need to hear. Tom Brady is gritty. Frankie Edgar is gritty. Prime Kobe was gritty. Flameaway at 30-1? C’mon. Lets fucking go.

Red: Full disclosure, I am basically picking my horse the same way your girlfriend picks March Madness games; its all in the name baby. I’m taking Magnum Moon at 13-1. Apparently he was just crushing the competition during Kentucky Derby qualifiers and his trainer Todd Pletcher won the Derby last year. And with a name like Magnum? The choice is already made for me.

 

Thursday Night Pick Em: Chiefs vs Raiders (Bonus: Color Rush Breakdown)

As always, all our lines come from the Westgate Las Vegas SuperBook so blame them if the numbers change. Tonight we’ve got the Kansas City Chiefs (-3, 47) at Oakland Raiders.

Derek Carr still doesn’t look right, not surprisingly, just a couple of weeks after breaking his fucking back. So the Raiders are hard to trust here. Especially with the hottest team in the NFL coming to town in the Kansas City Chiefs. Travis Kelce is back, allegedly, to 100% after a concussion, Kareem Hunt is still the most electric RB in the league, and Tyreek Hill is still on this team. Not to mention Alex Smith is FEELING himself for the first time in a long time. No more checkdown Alex safe throw Smith. Dude is letting it fly. Sure being in a contract year with a QB drafted in the 1st Round behind you probably doesn’t hurt, but the guy has some legit weapons around him in KC for the first time. KC is a (-3) point favorite and that is easy money. That is nothing. Slap your money down on the table confidently and sit back and watch the Chiefs make us all rich.

Now, onto the unis.

I’ve heard a lot of Raiders fans complaining about the Color Rush jerseys, with Oakland going white on white tonight. It does seem like a missed opportunity to have a total blackout. Just go old school villain, make everything black, but nay. The Chefs are going red on red, which is a good look, but they’re both wearing the same uni combos when they played each other last year. Should’ve been Raiders decked out in black with the Chiefs rocking all yellow with red highlights. Now thats a Color Rush I can get excited about. And if you complain about that because you’re colorblind well then tough shit; Thursday Night Football just isn’t for you then.

Lets Gamble! NFL Week 5

Overall Record (14-16)
Last week (9-6)

Another week, another one of the worst beats I’ve ever seen in a football game with the ending of that Kansas City game. Just ruthless. As always, all of our betting lines are courtesy of the Westgate Las Vegas SuperBook so blame them if the numbers change. Its that time once again to start playing fast and loose with our paychecks. Its Week 5 in the NFL, LETS GO


New England Patriots (-5.5, 55.5) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I picked the Pats to cover and cover they did.

Sunday, Oct. 8
1 p.m. ET

New York Jets at Cleveland Browns (-1.5, 39)
There’s no way you’re going to actually put money on the Browns as a favorite are you? I sure as shit am not going to. I’ll take the Jets here.

Carolina Panthers at Detroit Lions (-3, 44)
Coming off their walkoff win over the Patriots, the Panthers have some momentum heading into Detroit. But the Lions are looking legit this year sitting at 3-1 in first place in the NFC North. It seems the Panthers are slowly figuring out the best way to use Christian McCaffrey with Jonathan Stewart together though so I’m taking the Panthers to cover here.

San Francisco 49ers at Indianapolis Colts (-1.5, 43.5)


Tennessee Titans (NL) at Miami Dolphins
No Line for this game, so nothing to see here.

Buffalo Bills at Cincinnati Bengals (-3, 38)
Call me crazy, I’m taking the Bills here. I like Tyrod Taylor to have a big game against the struggling Bengals.

Los Angeles Chargers at New York Giants (-3.5, 44.5)
A battle of two 0-4 teams. Woof. I’ve been picking the Chargers all year and they keep disappointing so its hard to rely on them here. Giants are in the same boat, but with a fully healthy Odell Beckham I think they finally get on the board here. I’ll take the G-Men to cover.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers (-8.5, 44)
Steelers are pretty big favorites at (-8.5) so thats asking a lot, but it is the Jaguars. I can definitely see Pittsburgh winning by 10. Fournette’s been solid in his first year rushing for 285 yards and 3 TDs, but Big Ben is rolling with Antonio Brown whos got 30 catches for 388 yards and a score. So I’m taking the Steelers to cover the big spread.

Arizona Cardinals at Philadelphia Eagles (-6.5, 45)
Eagles look like they’ve found their QB of the future with Carson Wentz and while I’m still bummed about Short Guy Hall of Famer Darren Sproles going down, Philly is still rolling along. Not a huge fan of old man Carson Palmer, especially with the non-existant run gam post David Johnson, so I’m taking the Eagles to cover.

4 p.m. ET
Seattle Seahawks at Los Angeles Rams (-2.5, 47)
You gotta be shitting me? I know the Rams are off to a 3-1 start, but I refuse to take them as favorites over the Seahawks on a (-2.5) spread. Put some respeck on Seattle’s name. I’m taking Dangeruss and the Seahawks here.


Baltimore Ravens (NL) at Oakland Raiders
Seems to be a lot of No Lines this season, soo nothing to bet on here.

 

Green Bay Packers at Dallas Cowboys (-2, 52.5)
Its hard to bet against the Packers, who are 3-1 on the season going against the 2-2 Cowboys. The Pack just continue to plug and play guys like Aaron Jones and not miss a beat, but I like Dallas here. Feed Zeke all night long and win by a FG, I’ll take the Boys.


Kansas City Chiefs (NL) at Houston Texans
Another game with No Line. Moving on.

Monday, Oct. 9
8:30 p.m. ET


Minnesota Vikings (NL) at Chicago Bears
No reason to watch MNF if theres No Line. Carry on.

Picking Up the Pieces: How’d I Do Gambling NFL Week 4?

Overall Record (14-16)
Last week (6-9)
This week (9-6)

 

Thursday, Sept. 28
Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-7, 45.5)
Packers covered W (1-0)

Sunday, Oct. 1
9:30 a.m. ET (at London)
New Orleans Saints (-3, 49.5) vs. Miami Dolphins
Saints shut out the Dolphins 20-0 sooo they covered. W (2-0)

1 p.m. ET
Carolina Panthers at New England Patriots (-9, 48.5)
Pats defense continues to look like a dumpster fire as the Pats lost on a last second FG, obviously did not cover the (-9) spread. L (2-1)

Los Angeles Rams at Dallas Cowboys (-7.5, 46)
Rams look more legit every week, topped the Cowboys 35-30 so thats an upset. L (2-2)

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (no line)
Does Westgate have something against the Vikings? There’s no line for them for the second week in a row.

Tennessee Titans (-1.5, 44) at Houston Texans
Texans CRUSHED the Titans 57-14 and as I said last week “I think Deshaun Watson found his groove last week so I’m taking the Texans to cover here.” So thats a W. (3-2)

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3.5, 39.5) at New York Jets
Jets topped the Jags 23-20 in OT, which was one of the most boring games I’ve watched in a while. Thats what I get for putting my money on the Jets. L. (3-3)

Cincinnati Bengals (-3, 40) at Cleveland Browns
Bengals stomped the Browns 31-7 so thats a W. (4-3)

Pittsburgh Steelers (-3, 43.5) at Baltimore Ravens
Ya knew the Steelers weren’t gonna lose back to back weeks after losing to the goddamn Bears in OT as they covered this week with a 26-9 win so thats a W. (5-3)

Buffalo Bills at Atlanta Falcons (-8, 48.5)
HUGE win for the Bills who topped the Falcons 23-17, thus earning us all some free money. W (6-3)

4 p.m. ET
New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3, 44)
As (-3) pt favorites we picked the Bucs to cover and guess what? They won by two freaking points. Goddamnit thats an L. (6-4)

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Chargers (-1, 47)
The hard luck Chargers were (-1) pt favorites and lost by 2 as they drop to 0-4 and Phil Rivers is screaming into his helmet mic. Not great, but thats an L. (6-5)

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-7, 44.5)
Cardinals had to take it to OT to beat the Niners and only did it by 3, so thats an L. (6-6)

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos (-2.5, 46.5)
Broncos covered the (-2.5) pt spread and won by 6. Granted the Raiders lost Derek Carr to a fractured back, but a win is a win. (7-6)

8:30 p.m. ET
Indianapolis Colts at Seattle Seahawks (-13, 41.5)
Seahawks SPANKED the Colts 46-18, easily covering the (-13) pt spread. And as I said last week “Russell Wilson looked great last week and if the Seahawks can get him out of the pocket he’ll shred the Colts D. So while I usually hate picking the favorite in huge spreads like this, Dangeruss is looking good, and the Seahawks are at home where they are loud as shit. I’ll take Seattle to cover.” Thats a W! (8-6)

Monday, Oct. 2
Washington Redskins at Kansas City Chiefs (-7, 49.5)
With one of the greatest backdoor covers you’ll ever see the Chiefs scored on a R-Words fumble as they attempted to lateral it across the field as time ran out. The TD put them up by 9 to cover the spread! VICTORY. (9-6)

 

 

The Patriots Win! The Buccaneers Cover! We All Go Home Happy!

Are people listening to me yet? Are you making money yet? In tonight’s Patriots Pick Em I was not exactly overflowing with confidence about our boys. With the Pats being a (-5.5) favorite coming off a walkoff loss to the Panthers and still having the Patriots defense I felt that was a little rich and had the Bucs covering.

“Even with Brady having one of the best starts of his entire career, the guy can’t play defense. So while I’m not saying the Pats are necessarily gonna lose, I don’t see them winning by a touchdown or more. I think if anything they squeak by with a FG or less so I’m picking the Bucs to cover.”

What happened? The Bucs hang around and score a late TD with just over 2 minutes left to bring that Pats lead down to 5. Very, very close to blowing everything to hell, but as John Sterling would say THEEEE BUCCANEEERSSSS COVERRR!!!

Patriots Pick Em Week 5

I’m writing this after the Red Sox just finished getting bent over by the Astros so I’m a little bit jaded right now. So tonight on the American tradition that is Thursday Night Football Color Rush, the Patriots are a (-5.5) point favorite over the Buccaneers….and I don’t feel great about that line. (As always, all of our betting lines are courtesy of the Westgate Las Vegas SuperBook so blame them if the numbers change.) The Pats defense has obviously looked like shit. Well, no actually they’ve looked like a defense on pace to be the worst defense in NFL HISTORY. Alan Branch got left at home and now Gronk is out. That is not a great equation especially on a short week. Even with Brady having one of the best starts of his entire career, the guy can’t play defense. So while I’m not saying the Pats are necessarily gonna lose, I don’t see them winning by a touchdown or more. I think if anything they squeak by with a FG or less so I’m picking the Bucs to cover.

PS – I saw Rich Keefe tweet earlier today the payoff of an anti-Boston parlay today and I’m kinda wishing I took that right about now.

Lets Gamble! NFL Week 4

Week 3 was a rollercoaster with a lot of upsets that I did not see coming (I’m looking at you Denver), but Week 4 is a new day. As always, all of our betting lines are courtesy of the Westgate Las Vegas SuperBook so blame them if the numbers change. Its that time once again to start playing fast and loose with our paychecks. Its Week 4 in the NFL, LETS GO.

Overall Record (14-16)
Last week (6-9)

Thursday, Sept. 28
Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-7, 45.5)
The Bears just keep making me look bad, but I refuse to put my hard earned dollars on Mike Glennon. And I need to see back to back solid games out of Jordan Howard before I trust him. Usually the tired rhetoric about Thursday Night Football is its sloppy, the passing is out of sync and teams lean on their running game. Welp, the Rams and Niners blew that one up last week. So I’m taking the Packers to cover here.

Sunday, Oct. 1
9:30 a.m. ET (at London)
New Orleans Saints (-3, 49.5) vs. Miami Dolphins
I gotta go Saints here. I know they’ve been up and down, but I don’t know if Smokin Jay Cutler and the Dolphins have enough offensive firepower to keep up with the saints. Saints will cover.

1 p.m. ET
Carolina Panthers at New England Patriots (-9, 48.5)
Another big spread for the Pats at (-9) which is a tricky one because the Panthers have been pretty shaky so far this year, but similar to last week against Deshaun Watson, the Pats have historically struggled against mobile QBs. I think its gonna be a game the Pats pull away, but Panthers make it respectable. I got Patriots by 10 to cover.

Los Angeles Rams at Dallas Cowboys (-7.5, 46)
Rams looked great last week putting up 41 points buttt that was on San Francisco. Cowboys gotta win by more than a TD here, whereas the Rams haven’t lost by more than 7 yet this season and have put up 40+ points twice already. But again the competition has been pretty mediocre (Indy, Washington, San Fran) so I’m picking the Cowboys to keep rolling and cover.

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (no line)
Does Westgate have something against the Vikings? There’s no line for them for the second week in a row.

Tennessee Titans (-1.5, 44) at Houston Texans
Texans could go one of two ways in this game. Defeated and beat down after dropping a game they probably should have won to the Patriots last week or they’ll come firing out of the gates for sticking with the best team in football for 58 minutes last week. I think Deshaun Watson found his groove last week so I’m taking the Texans to cover here.

Jacksonville Jaguars (-3.5, 39.5) at New York Jets
Bet on this game at your own risk. Jags cruised to victory last week, but they’re more of a running team these days and the Jets have a solid D-line if nothing else. Jets surprised me last week with a W over the Dolphins, but I think Fournette and the gang are too much for the Jets here. Jags cover.

Cincinnati Bengals (-3, 40) at Cleveland Browns
Another game I cringe to even put money on, but hey thats what leaders do, they take the ball and they bring their team down the field. Bengals shit the bed last week, but Cleveland cannot be trusted. Bengals cover.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-3, 43.5) at Baltimore Ravens
Ravens had an absolutely embarrassing game last week so they should bounce back. Problem is though, so did the Steelers. After losing in OT to the goddamn Bears, I expect Big Ben and co. to smash the Ravens. Steelers cover.

Buffalo Bills at Atlanta Falcons (-8, 48.5)
Bills are sneaky tied for 1st place in the AFC East and look a lot better than most people thought they would before the season. I think the Bills keep it within a score and cover.

4 p.m. ET
New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3, 44)
This year’s Hard Knocks darlings have yet to beat anyone great yet as their first game got postponed, then they beat the Bears, and then got smoked by the Vikings last week. ODB looks healthy once again, but the Giants are 0-3 and could be reeling so I’m going with the Bucs to cover.

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Chargers (-1, 47)
Despite being 0-3, the Chargers have had some bad breaks and could easily be 2-1 so I think they’re due, plus it likely will take the Eagles a little while to figure out how to best replace Darren Sproles with Smallwood and others. Chargers are due, I’m picking them to cover.

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-7, 44.5)
The Niners got blown out in their opener, but then nearly beat Seattle in Week 2, which looking back now seems to have more to do with the Seahawks offensive line than anything. Then they kept it close before losing to the Rams last week. Arizona looks to rebound after an L in Dallas in which Larry Fitzgerald looked 10 years younger. Their running game is still a disaster without David Johnson, but wth Fitz and Jaron Brown stepping up in the receiving core I’m picking the Cardinals to cover.

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos (-2.5, 46.5)
This is a heavyweight matchup of AFC playoff teams and the Broncos are favored by a FG. Both teams had disappointing losses last week so everyone’s looking to get back on track. Oakland has been leaning on Marshawn Lynch here early and Denver is one of the worst teams to try and run on so I’m going with the Broncos to cover here.

8:30 p.m. ET
Indianapolis Colts at Seattle Seahawks (-13, 41.5)
God the Colts suck, but a two TD spread is huge for a team thats been struggling offensively. As much as I want to pick the Colts, Russell Wilson looked great last week and if the Seahawks can get him out of the pocket he’ll shred the Colts D. So while I usually hate picking the favorite in huge spreads like this, Dangeruss is looking good, and the Seahawks are at home where they are loud as shit. I’ll take Seattle to cover.

Monday, Oct. 2
Washington Redskins at Kansas City Chiefs (-7, 49.5)
I’m going to continue to roll with the Chiefs who have looked awesome so far this year. Kareem Hunt is scary good and the R-words have yet to really find a groove as guys like Terrell Pryor continue to underwhelm. I got the Chiefs covering here.

Picking Up the Pieces: Gambling NFL Week 3

Overall Record (14-16)
Last week (8-7)
This week (6-9)

Whats that saying? Fall down 9 times, get up 10? Yea, well sometimes that applies to gambling, especially when you get your dick ripped out on the first game of the week on a backdoor cover. Rebounded nicely from our 0-5 start to finish the week at 6-9. Can’t win em all.

Thursday, Sept. 21
Los Angeles Rams (-2.5, 40) at San Francisco 49ers

Bad beat of the year. I wrote a blog entirely about how badly screwed anyone who took the Rams got on this one.
Our pick: Rams to cover the (-2.5) spread…they won by 2. So thats an L. (0-1)

Sunday, Sept. 24
Baltimore Ravens (-4, 39) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

What an absolute abortion this game was. Those poor London fans, even when Jacksonville is good they get a shit game. Jags put the smackdown on Flacco and the Ravens, winning 44-7. Yuck.
Our pick: Ravens to cover. Thats an L. (0-2)

Denver Broncos (-3, 40.5) at Buffalo Bills

This is shaping up to be a disaster for gamblers everywhere. Did not see the Broncos folding like they did in this one, especially after how well Trevor Siemian had played the first two games. Bills are now tied for first place in the AFC East.
Our pick: Broncos to cover. Thats an L. (0-3)

New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers (-6, 48)

Wrong again dickhead. Despite a 100+ yard receiving game from Christian McCaffrey, the Panthers couldn’t even put two touchdowns up as the Saints cruised to a 34-13 win. Damn.
Our pick: Panthers to cover. Thats an L. (0-4)

Pittsburgh Steelers (-7.5, 45.5) at Chicago Bears

THIS WEDDING IS HORSESHIT. If you picked the Bears to beat the Steelers you are lying and I don’t associate with liars. Bears top Pittsburgh in OT behind Jordan Howards 34 points (on my fantasy bench).
Our pick: Steelers to cover. Thats a big L. (0-5)

Atlanta Falcons (-3, 49) at Detroit Lions

Okay if the Rams game was the bad beat of the year, this is the bad beat of the century IF you bet on the Lions. Thankfully I did not because I would have smashed my TV. Lions got a walkoff TD erased by a questionable replay review and per the rules the cluck had a 10-second runoff leaving the Lions with their dick in their hands at the 1 yard line.
Our pick: Falcons to cover. Thats a W! (1-5)

Cleveland Browns (-1.5, 40) at Indianapolis Colts

Here’s what I said last week: “This is the first game the Browns have been favored to win since 2015! So tread lightly here. But I like what I saw out of rookie receiver Rashard Higgins last week (7 catches, 95 yards) and the Colts are still starting the Patriots 3rd-string QB. While it is with great trepidation, I’m taking the Browns to cover. Well guess what? The Browns did not cover. Shocking, I know. And Rashard Higgins did nothing despite being freshly inserted into my fantasy lineup. Colts won 31-28.
Our pick: Browns to cover. Thats an L. (1-6)

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Minnesota Vikings (no line)

Westgate had no line on this game. Soo we didn’t bet it.

Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-13, 43.5)

Patriots won 36-33, but as we predicted last week the (-13) spread was way too heavy for the Pats to cover. Here’s what I said last week: “While I told anyone and everyone to bet their house on the Pats routing the Saints last week, I’m not as confident in predicting a blowout here. The Texans defense is legit, especially upfront. And if you’ve been paying attention over the years, these are the types of teams that usually give the Pats trouble (except for last year when Brissett and co. wrecked them). But Pats also have historically struggled with mobile QBs and Deshaun Watson is that dude. So while I think the Pats win, I’m picking the Texans to cover.”
Our pick: Texans to cover. Thats a W. (2-6)

Miami Dolphins (-6, 41.5) at New York Jets

Basically every shit team won this past week, wrecking my bets across the board. The Jets throttled Smokin Jay Cutler and the Dolphins 20-6. Did not see that one coming.
Our pick: Dolphins to cover. Thats an L. (2-7)

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (-6, 43)

Eagles won on a 61 yard FG as time expired, which was a goddamn BOOT. Eagles won, but only by 3 so they didn’t cover the (-6) point spread. What I said last week was “until ODB proves to me he is 100% I’m not picking the Giants because they’re just not that good without him. Plus Carson Wentz is playing well and Darren Sproles continues to be the most spry 34-year-old running back I’ve ever seen.” ODB looks to be back to his old self as he was scoring TDs and pretending to piss like a dog and I just jinxed Sproles who broke his arm AND tore his ACL on the SAME PLAY. What a disaster of a week.
Our pick: Eagles to cover. Thats an L. (2-8)

Seattle Seahawks at Tennessee Titans (-3, 43)

While the Seahawks seemingly are on the way back to being a solid offense again, the Titans topped them 33-27. I would like to just point out that even though I picked this game correctly, I also benched Russell Wilson on my fantasy team. And of course I lost because Dangeruss had 45 points on my bench. Goddamnit.
Our pick: Titans to cover. Thats a W. (3-8)

Cincinnati Bengals at Green Bay Packers (-9, 44.5)

Nailed this one. Packers won 27-24 “The Bengals are a walking disaster right now. Andy Dalton is having the worst start of his career and Tyler Eifert is back into injury purgatory (is he hurt? is he not?) so Cincy is a tough pick. The Packers don’t look like world beaters either though with Rodgers throwing a ton of shitty passes while under duress last week. Is Green Bay (-9) points better than Cincy? I say no, I think its a closer game than that as both teams are struggling. Bengals cover.”
Our pick: Bengals to cover. Thats a W. (4-8)

 

Kansas City Chiefs (-3, 46) at Los Angeles Chargers

DING DING DING. I may not get em all right, but when I tell you to put big bucks down, you better be listening. “The Chiefs are rolling, put some big bucks down on them to cover this week…I think KC is one of the best bets of the week to cover.”
Our pick: Chiefs to cover. Thats a W. (5-8)

 

Oakland Raiders (-3, 54) at Washington Redskins

Whoops. Raiders ate a bag of dicks in this game and the R-words got back on track as they topped Oakland 27-10. What is happening in the NFL this week?
Our pick: Raiders to cover. Thats an L. (5-9)

Monday, Sept. 25
Dallas Cowboys (-3, 47) at Arizona Cardinals

At least the Cowboys showed up in primetime to take care of business, despite a fantasy no-show from Cole Beasley, complete with hilarious response. Dak, Zeke and Dez all looked great. Money won is always sweeter than money earned.
Our pick: Cowboys cover. Thats a W. (6-9)

Cowboys Receiver Cole Beasley Just Ethered Some Fantasy Football Nerd

You come at the king, you best not miss. Cole Beasley just put this fantasy football owner in a goddamn body bag.

You just heard two sounds. One was Cole hitting Enter on his keyboard, the other was this kid hitting the ground. You have to love the utterly absurd phrase of “Don’t mother fuck me bro.” I’m gonna have to start working that into conversations from now on. If you’re gonna shit talk Cole Beasley about his fantasy football production then be prepared to face the repercussions.

Don’t worry Cole, I got you.