Vanity license plates have been all the rage ever since Cosmo Kramer became the AssMan, but, there has to be a line drawn somewhere right?
Not everyone’s nickname for themselves translate to license plate form. If I have to think about what your license plate means for more than 1 second then it fails the test. I don’t have time to study your license plate (except for the one this blog is about, but lets pretend here) while I’m bombing down 95. You have 1 second to make me laugh or nod in approval. And let me tell ya, PASTER, just ain’t doing it.
I texted my buddies asking what the FUCK does PASTER mean? And one of them immediately replies to me with one word; “Priest” like I’m an idiot. Not gonna lie, I was reading that in my head as Paste-er, like he’s the Taster or something. WHAT THE FUCK IS A PASTER? I don’t know, I’m still not convinced that guy was a priest. Lesson of the day? Vanity license plates are ephemeral. Make sure you got something good before dropping $200 on the right to be more easily identified by police.
In what has become an annual showcase for Game of Thrones, HBO proved once again the penultimate episode of each season is the one you don’t want to miss with last night’s “Beyond the Wall.” Every year the second to last episode of each season is an absolute gem. Here’s a quick refresher on how GOT never waits around until the finale to drop some bombs. Each season’s penultimate episode:
Season 1: “Baelor” (Ned Stark loses his head and Khal Drogo falls ill)
Season 2: “Blackwater” (Still arguably the best episode in the series as Stannis attacks Kings Landing on Blackwater Bay only to be defeted by Tyrion and co.
Season 3: “Rains of Castermere” (The goddamn Red Wedding, which IMDB synopsis describes as ‘Robb and Catelyn arrive at the Twins for the wedding’ in a horribly misleading fashion.)
Season 4: “The Watchers on the Wall” (Jon Snow and the Night’s Watch defend the Wall against Mance Rayder and the wildlings.)
Season 5: “The Dance of Dragons” (Stannis roasts his daughter, Jon Snow brings the wildlings through the Wall, Khaleesi rides Drogon to safety out of the Mereen fighting pits.)
Season 6: “Battle of the Bastards” (Not much to say here other than this could also be arguably the greatest GOT episode ever.)
The show picks up right where we left off last week with Magnificent Seven venturing beyond the wall.
Jon Snow and Jorah have a heart to heart for the first time and its a refreshing moment of growth. Remember Jorah should rightfully hate Jon Snow. Jon’s father Ned labeled Jorah a traitor and essentially forced him to leave his family and his homeland forever. Jon also effectively became Jeor Mormont’s surrogate son whom he passed Longclaw down to after the shame Jorah brought to House Mormont. To top it all off, no Jon’s moving in on his girl Khaleesi. But Jorah doesn’t hate Jon. He respects him for everything he’s accomplished, including earning his father’s respect and earning Longclaw, regardless of what his name is.
In an instance of foreshadowing we see the first animal wight in the form of a zombie polar bear. “Do bears have blue eyes?” one of the Magnificent Seven asks before it all goes down. Thoros of Myr ends up getting ragdolled by a goddamn zombie bear and a few nameless wildlings got axed too. We also learn that The Hound is going to have a hard time serving the Lord of Light and fighting wights since the one thing that kills them most effectively (ya know, fire) paralyzes him with fear.
The group heads further north until The Hound sees the same thing he saw in his vision in the fire, a mountain shaped like an arrowhead. Not long after they stumble upon a lone White Walker and a group of wights like a dead ranging party. Time to initiate the ill advised plan to try and capture a wight and bring it back south.
Of course they all nearly die because this moronic plan shockingly does not go well. They do take out the group of wights with Jon destroying the White Walker with the Valyrian steel sword he nearly gave away minutes before (WTF Jon). Except their POW wight lets out a scream that acts as a bat signal for every other dead soldier in the north and now our heroes are screwed.
The gang gets marooned on an ice island as the White Walkers and their army surrounded them. The only reason they aren’t immediately killed is because the thin ice breaks and the dead aren’t exactly fond of swimming. So now we play the waiting game. Just waiting for death to come, figuratively and literally.
Jon opts to use one of his 3 lifelines and sends Gendry to phone a friend.
Tyrion tries to advise Khaleesi on a number of things in this episode such as what’s the plan of succession if she were to die? Khaleesi is not a fan of the conversation and says they’ll discuss it when she wears the crown, which could be a bit of grim foreshadowing we all look back on. But specifically he once again advises Khaleesi again risking her own life to rescue Jon Snow, Jorah and the others. In a direct response to the recent failures she’s experienced following Tyrion’s advice while simultaneously directly heeding the late Olenna’s advice (“Be a dragon”) Khaleesi says enough is enough and rides north on the back of Drogon.
Enter Khaleesi (if you can accept White Walkers but you can’t accept faster than normal travel I don’t want to be your friend) and her 3 gigantic dragons who just start flame throwing the entire place. It seems like the dragons really are the end all be all of weapons in the 7 Kingdoms, but similar to the Loot Train scene from a couple of weeks ago we once again see just how powerful yet vulnerable the dragons are at the same time.
The Night King takes his ice spear and just rifles it into the sky as Viserion gets tagged and falls from the sky while bleeding uncontrollably. I think this was the saddest I’ve been watching a TV show since Jack had a nervous breakdown about leaving the island on LOST.
The look Jon Snow gives the Night King had me thinking this is it for our boy, he’s going to go out in a blaze of glory trying to take out the head White Walker. As he tells Khaleesi to go he battles a few more wights before falling through the ice, which is the second time in three episodes the show runners have teased a major character drowning.
Shockingly, Jon does not in fact drown, but there is still an army of dead 50 feet away. This would be a pretty anti-climactic way to die so suddenly half-dead Uncle Benjen rides in out of nowhere on his horse to save Jon Snow’s ass and then sacrifices himself. Why couldn’t Benjen get on the horse and ride away with Jon too? As Michael Bay once said to Ben Affleck after Ben asked wouldn’t it be easier to just teach astronauts how to drill rather than the reverse? Shutup, Ben.
After surviving and making it back to the wall the team loads Jon up on the ship back to Dragonstone and we have a real moment between Khaleesi and Jon. Her dragons are not just pets to her, one of Khaleesi’s children just died, which is what makes it all the worse that they died helping Jon. So we see Khaleesi have the first real crack in her armor in years as she nearly breaks down sobbing mourning her dragon.
In a show of faith in her as a true leader and probably also a vague marriage proposal Jon tells her “You are my queen.” Jon bends the knee, well figuratively, since he’s on his deathbed once again.
Its the first time we have the North truly following a Targaryen since the Mad King. Jon doesn’t care what his people will say, he knows Khaleesi is the Queen they need. Now whether, Jon will be her King or not remains to be seen. But for now, they are allies at the very least.
Also, in addition to the Jon’s knife wounds on his chest courtesy of the Night’s Watch, he suddenly has blue marks on his chest. Is this just the frostbite and remnants of nearly drowning in ice cold water or is it something more? If you look at Benjen (RIP) closely, his face has the same blueish hue after he apparently fought off death and a transition to a wight. We don’t really ever learn a ton around Benjen’s story and what really happened (and we probably never will now) but has Jon been touched by something? Or is this just me looking too deeply into a show that has prided itself on deep, deep world building? I digress.
In the Den of Geek breakdown they also pointed out something interesting about this scene as well as everyone’s transportation home.
“It’s a moment so romantic that Dany even finds the scars that prove he was stabbed in the heart endearing. Jon appears to truly be hers, and hey he still tellingly didn’t ride Drogon with the rest of his comrades… he has his father’s namesake, Rhaegal, to look forward to mounting.”
So that is an interesting bit I thought. We still have yet to see Jon Snow on a dragon, even though all his crew has now been on one. And Khaleesi has only ever ridden on the back of Drogon. So is Rhaegal keeping his back for the one true king, Jon Snow?
The whole Sansa/Arya sister rivalry just took a dark twist as Sansa stumbles upon Arya’s bag of faces and realizes her little sister might be an even bigger psychopath than she thought. Arya all but threatens Sansa’s life and now we have the strangest power struggle I can remember on this show. It seems a little convenient writing as I would like to think after years of surviving older, more experienced foes and politicking all through the 7 Kingdowns (and Essos) that these two would be able to understand whats going on here. Imagine taking the transcript of an AIM chat you had when you were 14 and using that as hardcore, stone cold evidence of your character as a person years later?
Either way, Sansa is spooked about Arya either killing her or actually convincing the other northern lords that the words a 14 year old girl wrote, under durress, prove she is a traitor. Sansa fears losing her head as well as her role as ruler of the North.
So naturally she sends her sworn protector Brienne of Tarth to Kings Landing, which reeks of Littlefingers, well, finger prints. Was there actually a raven summoning her to Kings Landing or does Sansa just want to get Brienne out of Winterfell in case she needs to off Arya? Brienne is after all sworn to protect both of Catlyn Tully’s daughters, so if Sansa needs to axe Arya she doesn’t want anyone there to stop her. My question is though, as Sansa, the one without a single day of combat training, wouldn’t you be more worried about Arya killing you? Wouldn’t you want a bodyguard with you now more than ever? This story line just gets odder and odder.
At the end of the episode we see the army of the dead pulling Viserion up from his icy grave to be resurrected. Enter the ice dragon. The Night King’s wight dragon. Something else that Den of Geek speculated on is that maybe the reason the Night King and the White Walkers were simply waiting for the ice to freeze so they can attack Jon and his gang wasn’t just exposition allowing Khaleesi enough time to get there. Maybe the Night King knew Khaleesi was coming with her dragons and he was legitimately waiting for her. Waiting for her to come into his arena so he can down one and claim a dragon of his own. A much more satisfying and chilling explanation to that entire scene. Because we all know the White Walkers and the wights can’t break through the Wall. But what if the Night King had his own damn dragon to simply fly over the towering ice monstrosity of a wall? Or maybe they make good on the Season 7 opening credits and simply walk around the wall over the frozen ice. Either way the big baddie now has a dragon of his own which is downright frightening.
Next week we have the most tense meeting of the UN ever created. What traps and tricks can we expect in the 90 minute season finale? Did we really risk so much, getting Viserion (and Thoros!) killed just for one wight?
That whole sequence better actually have been worth it, but I’m not too optimistic. I don’t expect Cersei to suddenly care about some existential threat (real or not) because she is so single-mindedly focused on keeping the Iron Throne she will do whatever it takes to stay there. Even if it means her own demise. We’re running out of time though for everyone to be fighting two battles at the same time, so someone is gonna have to either shit or get off the pot. Next week could be the last we see of Cersei.
One more episode guys and then the Long Night truly does begin because god knows how long it’ll be until the 8th and final season of Game of Thrones.
Episode 012 of The 300s Podcast is up and we’re talking Game of Thrones. You can download and listen to it on iTunes right here. We dive into this week’s episode “Eastwatch.” Khaleesi is burning entire Houses up, Cersei has a new addition to the crazy family, and Jon Snow is going north of the Wall with the ’92 Dream Team. SUBSCRIBE!
Hoooly hell. The 4th episode of Game of Thrones season 7 “The Spoils of War” was an all-timer that legitimately had my heart rate bumping as the credits rolled. What made this episode all the more exciting was the unexpected nature of it. If you watched the preview for this episode after last week’s show, you saw the look of concern from Jaime looking over the hill. So you knew something was coming. But no one expected the hoard of Dothraki AND Khaleesi riding Drogon. A ton of huge stuff went down in what was ironically the shortest episode of Thrones ever. House by House, Lets get it.
House Stark
Arya has finally returned to Winterfell for the first time since the Game of Thrones pilot and holy hell can she fight. Arya always looked like a promising water dancer after training with Syrio Forel and of course what she leanred from the Hound. What we see from her in this short fight scene with Brienne though shows just how far Arya has come.
No longer is she a little girl trying to be a swordsman; she is a certified badass. This fight scene is symbolic too because of all the people Arya has met over the years she definitely holds Brienne in a high regard because of her ability, as a woman, to defeat the Hound in single combat. So to see Arya basically toy with Brienne and showcase her insane fighting talent was incredible.
Arya and Brienne sparring is 92 Dream Team scrimmage footage.
Another quick little callback that Thrones seems to be peppering this season with came when Brienne asks Arya who taught her to do that and she responds “No one.” No one? Why does she say that? Because a man has no name…
Sansa for the second episode in a row learns that one of her siblings has been up to some shit. Sansa understandibly thought she had the hardest road of all her siblings after everything she’d been through with Cersei, Joffrey, Ramsay etc. But she’s slowly starting to realize that Bran and Arya have been through the ringer as well. Does Sansa seem a little disheartened after seeing Arya fight? Bran’s got the sight and Arya is a little assassin…what does Sansa really have? Other than a mind for politics?
Bran also is seemingly about to blow up Littlefinger’s spot, whether he realizes it yet or not. Bran basically knows everything, but having that much information in your head makes most of it white noise. So its like he’s flipping through the channels and seeing little tidbits about the people around him from over the years. So its only a matter of time until he learns how to hone in on specific things. Littlefinnger gives Bran the Valeryian steel dagger (Exposition!) that was used in his attempted murder and mentions how coming home now must be chaos and Bran cuts him off saying “Chaos is a ladder.” Uh oh.
Littlefinger is shook because he said this exact shit to Varys years ago in the Throne Room.
Its at this exact moment Littlefinger realizes he is on the hot seat like a coach coming off a 7-9 season and he now knows Bran could be a problem. How long before Bran realizes Littlefinger’s potential role in his attempted murder, what about the time he got Ned Stark killed by turning on him? Or how he kicked Lysa out the goddamn moon door? I’m sure Nestor Royce wouldn’t be too stoked about that.
Now a few things in play here. He can’t just make another attempt on Bran’s life and get away with it so how does Littlefinger play this one? What happens to the Vale if the Starks just straight up off Littlefinger though? He is the Lord of the Vale after all. Welp, Nestor Royce, who was on Baelish’s trial in the Vale after Lysa’s death has no love for Littlefinger so maybe it won’t be a problem.
But that little breastfed-for-far-too-long Robert Arryn (who refers to Littlefinger as Uncle Petyr) is probably like 16 now so he’s due for a comeback. Again, GoT does not just send off characters randomly without explaining what happened to them or bringing them back. Last time we saw him he was training with a sword and a bow. I doubt he’s going to suddenly be The Hound, but he’s definitely due for a comeback.
Also, how about Bran interacting with Meera who says she has to go home and Bran basically just saying “K thanks see ya.” Meera’s been dragging his ass through the woods north of the wall for years, her brother Jojen legit died for Bran. Them and Hodor are the only reason the human backpack is alive. Yet he’s changed so much becoming the Three Eyed Raven he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to even feign empathy anymore.”I remember being Bran, but I remember so much else,” Bran says to Meera. Kid is dead inside.
House Targaryen
Jon brings Dany into the cave below Dragonstone to show her not just the dragonglass but also the mysterious paintings. Jon explains how they were put there by the Children of the Forest and show how they banded together with the First Men to take on the White Walkers.
Anybody else notice the shapes of those paintings on the walls? They matched the same shapes the White Walkers routinely left bodies up north over the years, including in the pilot. Is this the White Walkers just mocking them?
Khaleesi is losing allies by the day so she mentions why not just hop on her dragon, burn the Red Keep to the ground and be done with it? But even Jon says if you do that you wont be any different, you’ll just be another power hungry, violent, usurper.
Khaleesi has been patiently taking her team’s counsel, but she seems pretty over Tyrion’s advice as its turned out poorly thus far. She actually stops just short of outright accusing him of treason because of all these failures insinuating he doesn’t want to hurt the Lannisters. As I mentioned last week it seems like the failure of strategy and being outsmarted has seemed to rattle Tyrion a bit so this can’t help the old ego.
Finally we see the Dothraki unleashed on Westeros like we had discussed as a distinct possibility on the 300s Podcast. It seems like Khaleesi is starting to take the late Olenna’s advice, “Be a Dragon. We see the Dothraki hoard taking on the Lannister army after hearing for years how it was suicide to do so, chief among them the late King Robert.
Behind a castle the Dothraki are much easier to beat, but in an open field they’re unmatched. So this is the first time we get to see that go down and it is WILD. They definitely earned the nickname Dothraki Screamers and it was awesome to see the guys standing up on their galloping horses firing arrows as they charge.
Not to mention adding insult to injury for the Lannisters Khaleesi flies in on Drogon and starts burning soldiers left and right and roasting their entire supply chain.
It’s the first time we’ve truly seen the dragons in play in a battle and it is glorious. Unsurprisingly they just run train, but why is Khaleesi not wearing ANY armor? Sure the dragons can just take out an army no problem, but Khaleesi is still a 120 pound blonde girl up there. Maybe put on a helmet or at least a heavy winter coat?
BUT the Lannisters suddenly have a trump card in the absolute howitzer of a bow and arrow known as the Scorpion. Bronn snipes Drogon and nearly takes the gigantic beast down with one shot. (Full disclosure: this scene gave me a full on identity crisis. I love Bronn, but I’ll openly weep if this dragon goes down right now. Real tough times so keep me in your thoughts.) This is gonna be ROUGH moving forward with all our fav characters directly trying to kill each other.
So the real question is now Khaleesi knows that her dragons, who she previously though untouchable, can be hurt or maybe even killed. How does that change her plans? I would think this makes her a little hesitant to ride around Kings Landing just pillaging the place. This was just one Scorpion in a field. Imagine the dozens or hundreds of these things Qyburn has built in Kings Landing? This is a legit defense to a previously thought unmatched weapon in the dragons. And suddenly the playing field is not as lopsided as we thought. Lannisters still don’t have an army though…
House Lannister
We discussed the battle above so we don’t need to dive into the specifics of that again. One of the shots that stuck out to me was Tyrion on the hill. We see him watching all of the Lannister soldiers burn and it it looks like he’s having a mini existential crisis. He may only now be coming to terms with the fact that he’s not just fighting Cersei’s crazy ass, he’s also turning on his entire House and his beloved brother. How does that affect his mindset as we get closer to the end?
How about Bronn saving Jaimes ass yet again? If it weren’t for Bronn, House Lannister would have been dust in the wind by now. So back to Jaime, who went all Leeroy Jenkins in a last ditch effort to try and take out a suddenly grounded Khaleesi.
Pretty dumb plan to be honest, considering there is still a 500 pound dragon sitting next to her. Why not chuck the spear? I guess because he still can’t do shit with his left hand?
This whole scene is telling because if you remember the conversation way back in Season 1 between Jaime, King Robert and Ser Barriston they’re telling tales from their first kills in battle. Robert basically details this exact moment of how a man tries to end the rebellion himself like a fool.
“Mine was some Tarly boy at the Battle of Summerhall. My horse took an arrow so I was on foot, slogging through the mud. He came running at me, the dumb high-born lad, thinking he could end the rebellion with a single swing of his sword. I knocked him down with the hammer. Gods, I was strong then. Caved in his breastplate. Probably shattered every rib he had.”
Time is a flat circle.
House Greyjoy
Euron’s basically out there lurking like a goddamn snake in the water, except now his role is going to be even larger. With the majority of the Lannister army burnt out (I’ll see myself out) Cersei NEEDS him and the Iron Fleet now more than ever. If there’s one person who’s going to take advantage of leverage, its Euron.
Upon seeing Theon for the first time in years, Jon has to restrain himself from killing him right there on the beach, ironically right after he tells Khaleesi how they must all band together despite their issues with one another. This is the first time they’ve seen each other since Theon betrayed his brother Rob and essentially destroyed Winterfell. Theon himself says he could never take the Black and join the Nights Watch because Jon Snow would literally kill him.
Jon knows Theon didn’t actually kill Rickon and Bran obviously buttt he did still behead Ser Rodrick and he IS ultimately responsible for Maester Luwin getting killed and the whole place getting torched. So thats a tough one to forgive still. It’s only because of his role in helping Sansa escape Ramsay that he’s alive now. So it will be interesting to see how their relationship progresses. As Ramsay was helping Theon “escape” the Dreadfort a few seasons ago, Theon broke down in tears because he betrayed his brothers and even said “My real father lost his head in Kings Landing.” He truly does consider the Starks his family, but the feeling may not be mutual anymore.
Other notes from around the realm:
Looks like Jon Snow and them are finally getting some use out of Bran, who I lovingly referred to as “the backpack” for the last 6 seasons. In the preview of Episode 5 Bran seemingly wargs into some ravens over the Wall and sees the White Walkers nearing East Watch by the Sea, which is also where Tormund is. So it could be curtains for your favorite wildling as he’s the first line of defense holding that castle on the Wall. If you’ve been reading this weekly breakdown though, you know how in the GoT opening credits the water that Eastwatch is usually flanked by is now frozen over. So I fully expect the White Walkers to just walk around the Wall. Huge design flaw guys.
Missandei asking Jon why he is named “Snow” if his father was a Stark was cool to see because they don’t have marriage where she’s from, thus negating the concept of a bastard. Missandei goes on a passionate rant about how Khaleesi is Queen not by birthright, but because her ppl believe in her. Ya know, like Jon.
Khaleesi says she will fight for the north…if Jon bends the knee but he’s torn because his people will not want a southern ruler after all the shit thats gone down in GoT. After all the simmering sexual tension between the two though, what if he marries Khaleesi? Maybe thats how they ultimately unite the 7 kingdoms. The north won’t bend the knee but if the King in the North marries the Queen to become King of the Realm? Maybe that brings the north back into the fold.
Cersei refers to Qyburn as her Hand in this episode and unless I’m mistaken its the first time she’s ever mentioned this. So the guy is no longer just a maester operating and experimenting for Cersei, he’s her No. 2, which is even scarier considering all the wild shit he’s done over the years.
So if you haven’t subscribed to The 300s Podcast on iTunes yet, you can still listen to it below as we’ll keep them hosted on YouTube too. In Episode 011 we discuss Jon Snow and Khaleesi finally sharing the screen together after 6+ seasons of buildup, Bran’s back in Winterfell, Cersei is offing her enemies like an absolute gangster, and everything else happening in Westeros.
ESPN – Drawing inspiration from the 2004 hit movie “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story” featuring Vince Vaughn, Christine Taylor and Ben Stiller, ESPNU will become ESPN8: “The Ocho” on Tuesday, Aug. 8, or more appropriately, 8/8. For one day only, the faux network will feature a line-up of unconventional sporting events ranging from Disc Golf to Ultimate Trampoline Dodgeball and Firefighters World Challenge playing off the mantra highlighted in the movie: “Bringing you the Finest in Seldom Seen Sports”.
They say the key to comedy is timing. Well nothing more relevant and timely than a joke from a movie that came out THIRTEEN years ago. ESPN execs are probably sitting at their big desks up in their ivory towers thinking, “Yup, NAILED it.” Take the weekend off boys, our work here is done.
As bad as this joke thats almost old enough to drive is, I have to cover both sides of the story because I’m a former Big-J journalist and thats what the great ones do. So as stale as this idea is, something that will never not be funny are the This is SportsCenter commercials. I nearly flunked a final in college because I blew off studying to watch a best of This is SportsCenter Top 50 2-hour special. So you get credit for that ESPN, but not too much since Wieden+Kennedy created this idea. Only the most famous ad agency in the world. But hey, take the small victories where you can. CUE THE HIGHLIGHTS.
Yah00 – Sophie Turner has been in the spotlight since her teens after being cast as the ill-fated princess Sansa Stark in the hit HBO fantasy series, aged 14. It meant that she swiftly built up a considerable following on Twitter (1.34 million), Instagram (5.4 million) and Facebook (2 million), which she says helped her in auditions…She told Porter: “A lot of what I have achieved is about timing and luck, but it is also, and I hate to say it, about a big social-media following…”I auditioned for a project and it was between me and another girl who is a far better actress than I am, far better, but I had the followers, so I got the job. It’s not right, but it is part of the movie industry now.”
Oh you’re a better actress than me? Welp, my Insta game is fire flames so good luck sweetheart. There’s a reason the “best” actors do Broadway and not the most popular ones. Sansa Stark is just straight up Mean Girls-ing the competition.
Totally reminds me of the scene where Ramsay’s side piece Miranda is talking about all the horrible things that have happened to all of Lord Bolton’s former girlfriends and Sansa just straight up puts Miranda through the mental ringer.
Psychological warfare is the name of the game and she learned from the best, Cersei Lannister, who I just assume is as calculated and ruthless in real life.
PS – Lena Headey legit seems like a down to earth girl that can straight up laugh off people cussing her out in public because she is so good as Cersei on Thrones that they can’t disassociate her from the character.
We’re back for another breakdown of this week’s Game of Thrones episode, House by House. “The Queen’s Justice” is the third episode in Game of Thrones Season 7. Lots to break down so LETS GET IT.
House Targaryen
We FINALLY get Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen on screen together at the same time. After 6+ seasons of build up Fire and Ice share the screen together. And its a bit testy. You had Dany introduced with her bakers dozen titles (Mother of Dragons, the unburnt etc. etc) meanwhile Davos deadpans “This is Jon Snow….He’s the King in the North.” Now this whole scene is a fascinating power play as Khaleesi expects Jon to throw his support behind her immediately, but he’s a bit skeptical. He basically says we need each other, but you just got here why should I fight for you? What ensues is a pretty heated debate on where the Starks allegiance should lay. She mistakenly thinks Ned Stark plotted to assassinate here along with King Robert, which she’s pretty pissed about.
Khaleesi also reminds Jon of how the Starks swore an oath to the Targaryen “in perpetuity” buttt ya know Khaleesi’s dad did murder Jon’s uncle and grandfather soo that oath is probably off the table.
Like I had hinted at last week, Jon Snow did not bend the knee upon meeting Khaleesi at Dragonstone. Had a feeling he’d refuse as its something thats been foreshadowed by the stubbornness of his own family, his uncle Brandon Stark, his father Ned and even his brother Rob.
Jon doesn’t want anyone else to know he died? Why? Is he concerned people will think he’s insane? I guess one tall tale is enough for a first meeting. An army of the dead lead by White Walkers is hard enough to believe, why add to it and tell everyone he’s been brought back from the grave?
We also have Khaleesi trying to forge an alliance with Jon by giving him something; dragonglass. She agrees to let him mine Dragonstone for the glass that he wants so bad. She still doesn’t believe his story about the army of the dead, which I don’t understand. You have three goddamn dragons and you took a nap in a raging fire to bring them to life from stone eggs. How are YOU a sceptic of all people? Either way, the dragonglass is a sign of good faith as she looks to forge an alliance with the North.
The Unsullied took the Lannister home base Casterly Rock, invading through the sewer system that Tyrion so cleverly designed. EXCEPT, Euron and the Iron Fleet were there to sneak attack them and burn the entire fleet of ships the Unsullied came in on (again another parallel as the Greyjoys did this exact move to the Lannisters years ago, burning their entire fleet in the bays of Casterly Rock). So now Khaleesi’s largest army is stuck in Casterly Rock and would basically have to march across Westeros and abandon the fortress they just secured if they want to get back to the rest of Team Targaryen.
I think something that will be interesting to watch will be how this affects Tyrion, who prides himself on being the smartest man in the room. He was bested by his own brother, falling right into a trap and really hurting Khaleesi’s position. Does this make him a little less confident or hesitant in his role as Hand of the Queen? Does no longer being the smartest man in the room rattle his cage?
House Stark
Bran returns to Winterfell and sees Sansa for the first time since Season 1 and the homecoming is not quite what she expected. Gone is the happy little boy and in his place is an emotionless guy thats calling himself the Three Eyed Raven. To which Sansa hilariously replies, “I don’t know what that means.” Its a hard thing to explain as Bran does his best to make her realize he has the sight. Either way Sansa seems pretty put off by everything thats transpired with her brother since they last saw each other. But now there are two Starks in Winterfell. Is Arya next?
House Lannister
Cersei is getting revenge on everyone like an absolute gangster, killing people the same way they killed her kids. She throws on some new lipstick and gives Tyene Sand the kiss of death using the Long Farewell poison, the same poison that the Sands used on Myrcella. Only to make Ellaria sit and watch her daughter slowly die.
Then she wastes no time in taking over High Garden and making sure Olenna is killed. Although it seems like Jaime gave her a much better fate than Cersei would have preferred, which he may regret after hearing Olenna describe how she was the one that poisoned Joffrey. Olenna, what a badass old bitch to the very last minute, dropping a truth bomb right in Jaimes face as she’s about to die.
The real question is whether or not Jaime tells Cersei the truth about Joffrey? Maybe he keeps that card in his back pocket until a later confrontation with Sansa? Because remember Cersei still wants Sansa dead because she thinks her and Tyrion posioned Joff.
Ya gotta respect how nuts Cersei is at this point. No kids, no family aside from Jaime, not a ton of allies, no real legacy to leave. “A dynasty for us!” she proclaims to Jaime in Ep 2 this season. So theres nothing really left to fight for, except power and ensuring every last one of her enemies dies. Whether it kills her in the end Cersei does not care, as long as she takes everyone down with her.
Which brings me to my theory on how her arc may end. She’s definitely spiraling out of control and Jaime knows it. It would not surprise me at all if down the line everything is crashing down around her and she just says fuck it, burn them all, a la the Mad King. The parallels between Cersei and the Mad King are striking. And who would be the only one that could potentially stand in the way of Cersei? That would be Jaime Lannister, the Kingslayer. Does he see Cersei reach a point thats too far gone and decide, shit I have to end this myself, just as he did to Aerys Targaryen?
The Iron Bank came back to collect on the Lannister debts they so love to proclaim that they always pay. They’re understandably a little unsure of the Lannisters grasp on the 7 Kingdoms as Khaleesi looks like a pretty damn good bet to take over. Cersei, channeling her inner Taiwyn, convinces the Iron Bank to double down on her rather than back the Targaryen. Lannisters ran outta gold? No problem, let us take over High Garden real quick and you can have all the golden roses you’ll ever need.
House Greyjoy
Euron is back in Kings Landing, this time parading through the streets on his badass Kraken horse dragging Yara and the sand snakes on leashes, which is a startling sight as the crowds wildly cheers for him. Thats his present to Cersei, the woman that murdered her daughter. So she agrees to marry Euron…when the war is over.
It looks like Theon is back to square one with the iron born. One of the few Greyjoy ships that survived Euron’s attack pulls Theon out of the water and the first thing they do is ask where Yara is, how Theon knows, and why he’s still alive if he truly tried to save her. These people have no love for Theon so this is gonna be a steep uphill battle for some Reek redemption.
Additional notes from around the realm:
Randyll Tarly turned on the Tyrells pretty quick despite his beautiful speech last week about the oath he swore.
The Red Woman is headed to Volantis, which is where the Temple of the Lord of Light is, but she did say she would be back because she needs to die in Westeros…just like Varys.
What does that even mean? That is going to be a line we all look back at and our heads will explode, count on it.
But seriously what is she up to? Maybe she makes a trip to Myr too because ya know THOROS OF MYR IS FROM MYR! Is Myr the place to be for red priests? Obviously she brought Jon Snow back to life, but if you remember when she first meets Thoros and hears of how he brought back Beric Dondarrion after he fell to the Hound in trial by combat, she is speechless.
Here is this old drunk red priest that has an incredible ability. “You should not have this power” she says to Thoros. So maybe this is like the Athletes Performance Institute for Lord of Light followers.
I think she may also be heading out to recruit all the other red priests and priestesses to bring back an army of them to fight the dead. Why else would the show make it a point to showcase all the different red priests in various parts of the world over the seasons?
Theres of course the Red Woman, theres Thoros of Myr, the asian red priestess that Tyrion sees in Volantis, the red priest preaching to the crowd in Meereen when Tyrion and Varys are running the show in Khaleesi’s absence, and the red priestess Kinvara who really rattled Varys in Meereen last season:
Thats a lot of world building for an entire fanatical religion and random references that aren’t really necessary unless it serves a larger purpose. Who better to compliment Khaleesi and Jon Snow than theLord of Light? How about red priests to forge the Targaryen fire and ya know bring Jon back to life if he gets axed somewhere along the line.
Now I have to sit here like a sap until Episode 4 airs this weekend. Sunday night can’t come soon enough.
So real quick just to do a quick callback to one of our recommended binges. You may have noticed a new actor playing Sam’s brother, Dickon Tarley (teehee) on Sunday’s episode. Recasting has long been a headache for GOT fans. They don’t always make it obvious it’s a character you’ve seen before, especially considering, although you may not remeber, pre-“Game Of Thrones” there wasn’t a lot of shows you had to remember 6,000 characters. Anyway, the dude who played Cormac McClaggen in a Harry Potter movie or two is not playing the favored Tarley brother anymore, apparently because of a scheduling conflict with another show he was set to be on – that since has been cancelled. To reiterate, he quit GAME OF THRONES to be on an ABC show, albeit in a more prevalent part, that has already been cancelled, all across about a 6 month time-span. Fire your agent bromigo.
Which brings us to his replacement, which is a curious one as physqiue/size wise they at least appear pretty different. Anyway, the actor in question is Tom Hopper, who played a character by the name of Billy Bones….
As a “Black Sails” diehard I obviously fanboy’d out when Hopper did his little turnaround (see: I squealed like a little school girl). Lady Ballgame was not impressed and quite frankly a bit disgusted. But whatever. Believe me when I say these two things.
1.) Tom Hopper will be a star within the next couple of years. He’s Charlie Hunnam with a bit better acting chops (and I love Hunnam)
2.) Too much Dickon Tarley is not enough Dickon Tarley from here on out.
Unilad – Hot Pie from Game of Thrones has swapped his career in the show to embark on a business venture in real life by opening an online bakery… called, wait for it, ‘You Know Nothing John Dough’.
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried, but good for you Hot Pie, strike while the iron is hot because I do not see a lot of acting gigs in your future. Sure there will always be Jonah Hill who climbs from the depths of funny fat guys to rolling around Hollywood with Decaprio, but he’s the exception not the rule. So bake that bread and make a goddamn bread empire you scene stealing sonofabitch. If I can just end this with a pun; stack that bread. I’ll see myself out.
PS – That is some genius reverse engineering some product placement. What looks warm and delicious? How about a loaf of buttery bread after being on the Kings Road for months. Sign me up for some direwolf bread, STAT. Plus You Know Nothing Jon Dough is just A+ marketing. Well done, Hotpie.
Either way, Sansa is spooked about Arya either killing her or actually convincing the other northern lords that the words a 14 year old girl wrote, under durress, prove she is a traitor. Sansa fears losing her head as well as her role as ruler of the North.
The 300s 