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Joey Ballgame

I'd like to take this chance to apologize to absolutely nobody.

Views from the 617.

Primarily MMA and pop culture takes from down in the rabbit hole. Sports straight out of left field.

Cue the Music: Ben Watson Intends to Come Out of Retirement, Visiting The Patriots

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Let me start with this:

And add this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-ImCpNqbJw

 

LEEETTT’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Patriots currently have gaps at tight end. They’re best efforts to fill them this off-season have come in the form of drafting Austin Sefarian-Jenkins and signing UDFA Andrew Beck. We also jettisoned the remaining Hollister brother to the Seahawks for a few kicking tees. The bottom line is I don’t think a dynamic Tight End game is where the Pats O is going to make its money this season. And that’s fine, no team changes strategy based on personnel better than we do. 3-4, 4-3, run to set up pass, pass to set up run, who cares. 12-4 and a trip to the AFC Title Game.

So why not add an excellent locker room presence and trusted vet in our 2004 1st rounder Benjamin Watson?  I mean for what it’s worth his last two seasons he’s caught 400/2 and 522/4. Those are not terrible numbers for a 2nd or 3rd option tight end. He also can block and mentor Beck so the Pats can see what if anything we can get out of him.

In the end, Big Ben could be a camp body we cut. But I still love bringing him back to possibly give him his swan song. Hopefully he signs on.

-Joey B.

And Here We Have Bill Belichick Emotionlessly Tell Jarrett Stidham He Is Going To Be A Patriot

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It’s a lazy Friday folks and I don’t really have much to add here folks. Most important moment of Jarrett Stidham’s life and Coach Belichick rushes him off the phone like the 4th round pick is a one night stand who stayed the night uninvited and REALLY needs to leave now. Give him credit though he threw out a “we’re excited”, a nice touch even if it was given with the gusto of a listless sea breeze.

17-0.

This Year’s Boston Calling Seems to Be Devolving Into the Shitshow It Figured To Be

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Boston.com – Back in March, Boston Calling Musical Festival announced that hip-hop duo Black Star was no longer able to perform at the festival due to “unforeseen circumstances.”……“It’s simple. Black Star asks for 50% deposit in order to guarantee a show,” Kweli tweeted. “Boston Calling refused to pay that. So we had to cancel. They replaced us with Lil Nas X. Enjoy!” That prompted the festival’s official Twitter account to call Kweli’s tweet “factually incorrect,” though it did not specify which part of Kweli’s multi-sentence tweet was inaccurate……Boston Calling has had to replace several artists on its three-day lineup since announcing the festival slate back in January. Along with Black Star, previously announced acts Janelle Monae, Sasha Sloan, and Young Fathers will no longer be performing.

I believe it was Harvey Dent in “The Dark Knight” but could have just as possibly been Alfafa in “Little Rascals” who said “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” In the case of music festivals and the general cynicism of the Boston public, Boston Calling may need quite the hail mary to not become the villain. More to the point, my admittedly limited but still cursory knowledge of promotion/events tells me that absolute disasters like this one could financially spell the end to the once promising endeavor.

Which would suck.

Boston Calling is one of those things we didn’t realize we needed until we had it. It makes too much sense. Boston is a major, albeit small, city. It has a booming sports fanbase, a noted nightlife and, most of all for these purposes, historically it has been revered for its music scene. Yet until a few years ago we didn’t have our own festival. Way back in the day we had River Rave for alt-rock, where some of the more mainstreams bands could bleed into. There’s still Summer Jam for hip hop (see: soundcloud rap) and Kiss Concert for top 40. But there really hasn’t been an all-in-one celebration of the best music has to offer the way New Orleans has Voodoo Fest or New York has Governor’s Ball. Then Boston Calling came out of nowhere and we were like, o  ya, this is actually kind of sick. It took a little bit to get used to the prices and ya the crowds were insane to us small city folk who had never experienced Manhattan at rush hour, but over the last few years I think it has stuck the landing well.

Then this year happened. I just cannot fathom what went through the promoters of Boston Calling’s heads. In 2017 the festival was headlined by BLOWING UP rapper and actual cultural spearhead and phenomenon Chance The Rapper. Last year, one of the most revered and successful artists of the past three decades as well as one of the most famous people period on earth, Eminem, made his first trip to Boston in 20 years with Boston Calling as his conduit.

This year? This year will be headlined by Twenty One Pilots.

::Crickets::

Look I know I am one to have the occasional haterade cocktail but I don’t hate Twenty One Pilots. I actually don’t really have an opinion of them either way. If there’s nothing else on the radio I might listen to them or I might throw in a CD or something. Fair enough? (Blogger’s Note: Twenty One Pilots indeed cucked Papa G out of stardom but that is a different story for a different time and I’m not holding it against them). But I don’t think it is a burning hot take to say going from Chance and Marshall Goddam Mathers in consecutive years to rolling out Twenty One Pilots as if they are what’s hot in the streets is kind of nuts, possibly bordering on batshit. I’ll admit this could be another example of the “Logic Fallacy,” where I as someone who casually enjoys Logic but did not think he had built up a gigantic fanbase, went to his show to find 15,000 screaming kids. However, given the amount of emails and tweets I’ve seen from festival promoters that have begun imply “please God please come to this” I don’t think that’s that case.

And much like promoting a fight card or even a backyard barbecue, if the main event doesn’t feature the pound for pound elites that people want to see, you better play some money ball and aggregate that fanfare somewhere else. No title fight? Have a slew of fun stand up brawls and famous names to make your money up. No brats with stadium sauce? Make sure those dogs are the best Kayems money can buy? No actual headliner because Twenty One Pilots was the best you could come up with? Ok, but make sure fanbases like hardcore hip hop heads are appeased by having acts like Black Star actually show up and play. To do that though, you indeed may have to pay them.

So now Boston Calling has a headlining act that I can’t be sure people give a shit about. They have genre-centric acts such as Black Star and Janelle Monae cancelling because of things like, uh, not getting paid. The promoters’ heads are falling off. Just an overall disaster which again, to be completely pessimistic, could lead to the downfall of what has become a cool feather in the cap of Boston in the summer. There’s a thousand things that go into promoting and booking an event of this magnitude and I’m sure my basic brain just doesn’t get it, but a lot of this looks clumsy, foolhardy. Or maybe they just asked the wrong cross section of BU students living in Allston who they should have play the show.

I just hope this isn’t it. As my friends and I have one by one crossed the threshold of our third decade, I could see myself getting to maybe one or two more Boston Callings depending on the acts. But the accounting and the booking is not my responsibility. Showing up, getting hammered and resisting paying for a $300.00 Lyft home because of surge, is. So get it together, promoter people. Our city has come to depend on you.

-Joey B.

 

Noted Defiler of Hip Hop Machine Gun Kelly Stops Show After Being Punched in the Chest 65 Times

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AllHipHop – Rapper Machine Gun Kelly had to halt a concert in Florida over the weekend after suffering chest pains onstage….. “I got punched in the chest 65 times,” he told fans when the gig resumed with Kelly still in pain, according to TMZ.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would say this but I have some empathy for Machine Gun Kelly, known to his JNCO-wearing fans as MGK, here. We’ve all been there. Something happens to you that is either humiliating or where you need to find another explanation for your behavior/appearance. So you go off the dome, you think, act, and drop excuses on the fly. It’s a 50/50 game, for most people.

I happen to be an expert in this area. For instance, when I was 23 a friend of mine got into a scuffle outside of a bar. I tried to subdue his assailant and in turn was bit right on the jawline. I indeed had a big boy, real-life job by then and now had to explain come Monday why I had a Goddam bitemark on my face. Solution? Known to hoop on the occasional weekend I spun the tale of catching an errant fingernail from a less than courteous opponent in a pick up game. Appropriate sympathy was rendered and received.

So back to our friend Em Gee Kay. He very clearly got the shit kicked out of him. I’m very aware that for whatever batshit reason he is being cast in a movie or two nowadays, but no record label/agent is allowing their bird-chested cash cow to get the snot beat out of him on a movie set, it is not permissible. On the other hand, said cash cow is one of the most obnoxious personalities in music today so what totally makes sense is someone simply kicking the shit out of him without permission. Consider the following: whether or not you like Machine Gun Kelly’s music, would it reaaaally shock you if an unsavory character saw him out somewhere and made a quick assessment of, “mmm, nah, fuck that guy,”  thus proceeding to engage in fisticuffs? Wouldn’t shock me one bit, no sir.

However I’m not ending this blog with a “that’s what you get,” because I am if nothing else a lover of music, particularly when consuming it live. So this assaulter of Machine Gun Kelly owes approximately 5,000 13 year olds about 40 bucks each. Not cool man. That’s $200,000.00 worth of fights with step dads to get to go to a show only to have the headliner cancel due to an ass kicking. Not a way any young man/woman should have to meet his/her hero.

-Joey B.

Debrief From The Battle of Winterfell – Game Of Thrones Spoilers Ahead

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55 nights. It took 55 nights, from what I understand in a row, to film the Battle Of Winterfell. A month and a half to film what I believe might be the greatest single episode of television in history. Sure, we’ve gone less than 12 hours since it aired so raw emotion is playing its part in my bias, but considering the immaculate way character arcs were both forwarded and ended, how what little was actually said was so spot on it permeated the risen-dead blood shed it was surrounded by, and how redemption was found in the most final and selfless of ways, I don’t think S8E3 of Game Of Thrones can be topped.

The only sounds we heard, from the side of Man, throughout most of those 82 minutes were the primal howls of terror, pain, and defiant rage that almost served as a second score to the already, and always, brilliant one laid down by the show, When characters did speak, or even experienced a one-sided interaction such as the look of shear panic on Jamie’s face when he saw Brienne being attacked. It was perfect.

When Sansa, resigned to the fact that she was going to die, told Tyrion “you were the best of them”, an allusion to her three abysmal marriages, the sad gut-punch of gallows humor that followed was almost as crippling as the grip of a white walker giant.

When Bran told Theon he is a “Good man”, you instant realized the only living son of Balon Greyjoy, the heir to the Iron Islands, had been set free. That after a lifetime of being cast aside and being considered an afterthough, that is when he wasn’t being brutally tortured and used as a pawn, he had done what was necessary to die a hero, to matter.

And lastly, although there many other fantastic interactions, when Lady Melisande evokes Arya’s first mentor and inspiration Syrio Forel, prompting House Stark’s resident assassin to tell Death “not today”, you saw the fire light ABLAZE inside A Girl.

The battle itself, somehow, was the most grueling of the show’s history, and I use the word grueling specifically. There had been more blood. There had been more dynamic fight scenes, whether due to wildfire or Bolton cavalry tactics. But in terms of pure, brute exhaustion, this one won. I’m not sure if white walkers or whites have breath, but if they do, the army of Man was fighting them close enough to smell it the entire time. For every one hardy northern solider, Unsullied, or Dothraki screamer, there were 10 white walkers with limitless energy and a thirst for, I don’t know about blood, but human souls. And they did not…stop…coming. And so as the battle continued, from when the dead breached the wall to when the Night King brought every one that had been vanquished back to their feet, it was not so much fear or anger on the faces of our favorite warriors, but fatigue. They were past facing down death, they just didn’t think the fight would ever stop, and to them, in the moment, that was worse.

Two long-time, divisive characters met their ends at the Battle Of Winterfell, as well as one recent fan favorite. Little Lyanna Mormont, Queen shit of Bear Island and ardent defender of her people and her ethics, went out on her fucking shield, killing the white walker giant as he held her is his death grip, having already shattered and pulverized her tiny frame. They say to be a true champion you have to defend your title. Lyanna Mormont did.

Jorah Mormont, the friend-zoned knight and former subversive to the Dragon Queen Daenerys, also met his demise, defending her from a sea of white walkers outside Winterfell. Each time they sliced and stabbed him, his will to defend her only got stronger, sort of knowing dying right there would be the only way to complete pay Khaleesi back.

And finally Theon. The guy was, if you dont mind me saying, a little prick for what he did to Robb and the rest of the Starks years ago. But as I mentioned, he went out “a good man”, standing guard for Bran until the very last moment, when he made an attempt on the Night King we all knew would fail.

I’d be remiss to not wrap up by touching on two things. I’ll go with the less positive first. Jon Snow, the epicenter of many a battle for the last eight years, sort of just flailed his way through this one. Just when you thought he was going to make a climactic move on the enemy or take one last shot at killing the Night King, he just started scurrying somewhere else.  I am guessing his “moment” was supposed to be facing down the ice dragon, but I don’t think it landed.

What did land was Arya. Fucking. Stark. Now a bona fide killer and expert tactician in assassination, she survived earlier thanks to Dondarrion and the Hound and then heeded Melisandre’s advice. I thought she was just going to pyscho and start killing every White Walker in sight, but she had other plans. As the Night King closed in on Bran, as did Arya on the Night King, literally from the top rope. As with seemingly everyone who has tried to Kill Arya Stark, he thought he had her and he didn’t, as she deftly switched hands with her dragon glass dagger a la the NBA’s best slashing guards, gutting the head of the undead and his entire army in one fell swoop.

We have three episodes left now and an entire war left to fight. The North/Khaleesi faction has a, let’s just say weakened army at best. They face the 20,000 men of the Golden Company, Euron Greyjoy’s ironborn, as well as the rest of the Lannister loyalists. They have (I think) two dragons left, a handful of soliders, and one Arya Stark. Can this war play out the same way as the one against the dead? If Arya, Jamie (I think he’s alive?), or someone else can get to Cersei, will her soldiers still want to fight. Are her’s the green eyes Melisandre told Arya about? I guess we’ll find out.

All men must die. Last night, all men served.

Friday Pondering: What is Most Likely to Kill Red?

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What you may know, as I believe I’ve blogged about it at least once, is that despite his fairly impressive culinary skills, particularly those centered around a grill, Red’s favorite food on earth is Chipotle. Loves the stuff. Burritos, bowls, everything, it doesn’t matter. He inhales it like the air he breathes. So it did not surprise me one bit when I got a text from him yesterday stating two things:

1.) Chipotle had been ISSUED A SUBPOENA (Legal document stating either a.) You’re in trouble come here now or b.) Dude what the fuck?) for making poisonous-ass food and that two
2.) This would not deter him in the slightest from continuing to ingest the toxic Mexi-merican cuisine he has become so ravenous for.

And like a lot of things most well adjusted human brains simply move on from, this got me thinking: for one of the more low-key members of our tribe, Red has a number of sneakily-dangerous habits, hobbies, and ventures. Put them altogether, the odds of him making it to the night of his nuptials are actually quite bad. So what will be the thing that sends Red to his eternal resting place? Hmmm……

Things That Definitely Will Not Kill Red

Las Vegas

We know this because we already returned. And believe me, Vegas tried. There was ice, fire, booze, gambling, insomnia, booze, a gin and coke, and still we all came back in one piece. No, the City of Sin was not to be Red’s final downfall

A Complete Longshot But Must be Noted

Sours

I don’t have much in the way of science or scenario here, I just know our fearless leader has developed quite a penchant for these lip puckering brews and there’s something not quite right about it. It only takes one wrong hipster pouring one wrong orange beer and that could be it. How? I dunno man. Just could.

Improbable But Definitely Possible

Another Dog/Dog Owner

Listen I fucking love dogs and I have awesome friends that have dogs but let’s face some facts, people without kids that have dogs are a fucking WACKADOODLE breed. They hold their dogs in the same regard as they would their kids. So I can totally see a scenario where Red’s dog gets a little too frisky with, like, a Shih Tzu whose owner just ended a 10 year bid in Walpole and is none too pleased that their psuedo-child has been besmirched. One tire iron later and it’s curtains. That or the dog itself isn’t a Shih Tzu but an ill-tempered Doberman that decides that the owner must pay for the dog’s misdeeds and Red gets Ramsay Bolton’d. All in all this is highly unlikely but you never know.

Definitive Possibility

Chipotle

When I was 13 I spent two weeks of the summer on Outward Bound. Basically my parents sent to stop being a pissant camp. Part of the experience was living and sleeping in the White Mountains for a week. There I learned about giardia, a parasite that makes freshwater undrinkable until you treat it with iodine. Long story boring if you drink water straight from a stream, no matter how clear and clean it looks, you are going to start shitting a lot, possibly to death. I can imagine this is what Chipotle has in store for Red, but 12 times worse. The more I think about it maybe that’s just it? Maybe it is some sort of BDSM/thrill fetish where he doesn’t know if this refried bean will be his last before he literally rides the porcelain pony straight to his grave. Pretty fucked up.

This Might Kill Red

Traffic

Ahhhh, the lifelong nemesis. Re-adressing the whole BDSM thing, Red has continuously put himself in positions where he is at war with Boston traffic of all kinds, never unleashing his fury, just quietly bottling it up and letting it simmer. At some point, every man breaks. Whether it is a road range incident he comes out on the wrong end on or a quick detour off a bridge, the poorly laid plans of our city’s streets could certainly spell Red’s doom.

There you have it. Red has constructed himself a windy road to the dog days of summer and tying the knot. Let the tightrope walk begin. Wear a helmet.

-Joey B

So Apparently 1,100 People Got Herpes at Coachella

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Ahhhh. To be young, born rich, on every drug imaginable, pretending to try and inspire people on IG, and making pow pow with anything that walks in a desert. We’ve all been there right? O wait, no? We haven’t? We haven’t all dressed up like a flower child version of the Kentucky Derby and proceeded to watch jackasses like Kanye West make supposedly church-inspired performance art? Huh, guess not.

I’m at work so unfortunately Google’ng “Coachella” and “herpes” is not an option and thus you’ll have to find the story yourself. Basically, clinics, doctors, etc. in the area have seen something like a ten-fold uptick in diagnosed cases of this particular STD. They estimate about 1,100 people picked up the gift that neeeever stops giving in one fateful weekend. Makes you wonder where that would stack up next to Woodstock, too bad no one went to doctors back then.

And here’s the thing. Maybe I’m just old. Maybe my sleep patterns or digestive system still haven’t come fully back on track since returning from a bachelor party almost an entire month ago, but fucking in a desert really does not appeal to me. Like, imagine being drunk, hot as all holy hell and sweaty, drinking a warm drink, and having another human being latch onto you. Noooo fuckin thank you. Leaaave me alone. This stopped being fun in general four hours ago and I just want to nap/trip balls again. I just don’t get it.

I also want to know who patient zero was. Was it a guy or a girl? Was it an orgy or did they bang a few people, who banged a few people, etc. etc.? Is there a dick/vag slinger out there who is terrified they are going to get hit with a class action, knowing they Posted so much Malone that they may have infected an entire valley with herpes? That is a WILD thing to have to be afraid.

In conclusion I think we can agree on one thing: Please GOD let Leo not have been one of these victims. I know he loves Coachella and I know he lays pipe with the best of them. But please let him have avoided this one.

Be safe out there,

-Joey B.

Counterpoint: The Patriots Went the Risky Route in Picking N’Keal Harry

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News-Press – Bill Belichick finally made an exception to address his aerial attack. The New England Patriots drafted Arizona State wide receiver N’Keal Harry with the No. 32 pick in Thursday’s NFL draft, marking the first time Belichick selected a player at the position in the first round since he became coach of the franchise

First and utmost the Pats got the guy Mattes wanted so hat tip to him. Good stuff.

Secondly, I don’t have any ill will toward N’Keal Harry nor am I trying to aimlessly “hate” on him. He plays for my fucking team now, I hope he goes out there and crushes it and has me on the bandwagon by Week 2. I just would have preferred AJ Brown as with Harry I have concerns. Big ones.

Since forever, NFL teams have had an affinity for big WRs. They have very good, very obvious reasons. The majority of defensive backfields have, for the most part, been made up of speedy guys that max out at 6’0″, mirroring the typical size for a receiver. It’s simple human mechanics – smaller usually means faster, to an extent. Therefore, having a 6’4 behemoth that runs like his smaller counterparts and can pivot on a dime, leaving the pigmy DB to fall over in disgrace is a gigantic advantage. In the far reaches of our lifetime, guys like Cris Carter and Keyshawn Johnson rebirthed the big WR. They were soon followed by Randy Moss and a couple of others that carried the torch that burned until 2006, when Megatron was drafted and the hunger for big WRs reached epidemic levels.

Here’s where things get murky. The reason guys like Moss worked out is because he runs like a fucking deer on top of being 6’4. He didn’t just use his size as leverage to get open. The reason we don’t see a lot of the “chain mover”-types like Keyshawn anymore is because DBs have simply caught up to their ability. It doesn’t matter how big you are nowadays, if you can’t separate from an NFL DB they are going to make your life hell.

That hasn’t stopped NFL teams though from taking fliers on big uber-productive college WRs that aren’t burners. They see size as size. And guess what? A lot of these picks don’t pan out. For every Tyler Boyd, Corey Davis, and Michael Thomas, there is a Josh Doctson, Laquon Treadwell, Devante Parker, or Breshad Perriman. The name I am afraid to even utter, and that gave me cold sweats when thinking about the Pats potentially drafting Harry, is Jaelen Strong. Strong also hailed from the A State Sun Devils wide open offense. He had striking similar measurements (6’2 220 lbs, 4.40 40) as well as stats in his last year in Tempe. He was selected in the early 3rd in 2015 by the Texans after slipping due to speed concerns. Strong amassed 330 yards and 4 TDs in three seasons before tearing his ACL in 2017 and missing last season. Yikes.

K’Neal Harry has literally the same issues as Jaelen Strong. They are both big guys who posted decent 40 times but that scouts say lack “breakaway speed.” So Harry isn’t a quintessential downfield threat, that’s no big deal right? Wrong. He also isn’t seen as having great quickness in and out of breaks or that “fast-twitch” speed scouts look for in wide receivers in order to gain separation. Basically, when face up with an NFL-caliber defensive back and not some guy from Utah who goes at 5’10 with a 4.7 40, how the hell is K’Neal Harry planning to get open? Against the league’s elite? I just don’t know.

Again, despite the amount of words I just used to tear him down, I hope the Harry-Pats relationship works out. There are just things you just can’t teach – A QB can have a huge arm but can’t hit water if he fell out of a boat, a DE could be an athletic freak but just not “mean” enough, and some of these big WRs just don’t have the quicks to get open.

Here’s to hoping I’m wrong.

-Joey B.

I Am Fairly Torn to be Rooting Against Mallory Edens

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CBSSports – When this season started, the Boston Celtics were a popular pick to represent the Eastern Conference in the NBA Finals. Now, it’s the Milwaukee Bucks who hold that distinction. After both swept their first-round series, Boston and Milwaukee will square off with a trip to the conference finals on the line, and what a series it should be. Game 1 is scheduled for Sunday at 1 p.m. ET. Below are some quick thoughts on things to watch for in this series.

Can we talk as friends? Cool. The lead in above ^^^ really has nothing to do with anything besides the fact that the Celtics are indeed playing the Bucks. But the Bucks have an owner. This should not matter to me in the slightest as I am indeed a lifelong Celtics fan to the extent that I cried when Paul Pierce did. But it does.

The Bucks are owned by Wes Edens, a genius hedge fund guy that very well could have been one of the inspirations for Bobby Axelrod. By all accounts he cares about winning and loves the team. They’re not just a trophy or a toy to him like some teams are to some owners.

My friends Wes Edens has a daughter, Mallory. And here is the things folks. Mallory Edens is the ultimate object of my IG affection. For all the bizarre butt models and tattooed ho-urs I follow on the ‘Gram, Mallory Edens is the one I give a tasteful smirk to whenever she posts. She’s not a slutty distraction from the work day and monotony of life that makes me question my own validity as a human being and completely disqualify myself as someones life partner; she’s a hot as hell, Princeton educated, actually pretty funny woman of class. Just a rarity in today’s world/my follows.

And now her team must be destroyed. Mangled. Disembowled. If Mook has to murder the very likeable Giannis to do so so be it. I need this NBA Championship. And if the Celtics need to annihilate the team my IG crush-Father-In-Law owns, so be it.

So Mal, can I call you Mal? If you’re reading this, maybe we were never meant to be. On second thought, definitely not. You’re a trust fund kind from Princeton who likes horses and the Caribbean. I’m a State School kid in corporate America who likes getting kicked in the head in between sessions of beers and keno. Opposites might attract. Different species generally don’t.

So here is a goodbye before a hello. Cheers to a lifetime of happiness. When the bus pulls back into Milwaukee tell them I said “say hi to your mother for me”.

Fuckin go Celtics.

-Joey B.

Public Service Annoucement: Please Do Not Try And Rob Bun B

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Yahoo – Rapper Bun B shot an armed man who broke into his Houston home, pointed a gun at his wife and tried to steal his car, according to police.

My knee-jerk, shooting from the hip (PUNS!) reaction to this story is that this is like the diner scene in “Pulp Fiction” if Jules Winnfield had decided existentialism could fuck itself and just blown Ringo’s head clear off. The would be car thief in this story, much-like Ringo in the aforementioned Tarantino classic, had no idea that he was about to take up arms against, as they say, a real one. In that sense, both low-grade scamps can almost be seen as sympathetic figures.

However like most stories your favorite blogger of the random and obscure indites these days, this one has layers, like an onion.

The first layer is the largest, and is called “this is fucking Texas”. The very second I land in Texas I assume everyone from the guy behind the counter at Whataburger to the little girl selling lemonade is strapped. The fact that this Albert McGlone-wannabe thought he was going to shove his way into a random house in Texas and steal a car unscathed is completely batshit. Robbing a home in Texas, in short, is no saner than robbing a gun store.

Secondly, you kind of have to assume he knew this was Bun B’s house. Why else would he go straight to the garage, where an Audi was parked? And assuming he knew this was Bun B, don’t you think that maybe kind of sort of he should have thought twice before trying to steal his car? I mean look, not all rappers have guns and Bun isn’t a “I got guns” kind of rapper for the most part, but in the LEAST you gotta figure a guy with his kind of money has a sick security system? I mean my MAN what the fuck was going through your head?

Lastly, and this is more about professional pride, but I feel like as a criminal if you are engaged in a shootout it’s your duty to hit your target. I WOULD NEVER want Bun B injured. But if you choose a life of crime as a career and proceed to break into a man’s home, run into his garage, hop into his car, and then engage in a a gunfight, it is in the job description you at least hit a kneecap. Is it too much to ask for competent armed robberies?

To restate the title of this #2019NFLDraft night blog: Please do not try and rob Bun B or you will be shot. Furthermore, The 300s does not condone any kind of armed robbery, even when done correctly.

-Joey B.