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Joey Ballgame

I'd like to take this chance to apologize to absolutely nobody.

Views from the 617.

Primarily MMA and pop culture takes from down in the rabbit hole. Sports straight out of left field.

A Government, Foreign Or Domestic, Is Coming After Red Using His Own Google Home

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So I know I’m coming at you with zero context, so our backstory goes like this:

Red, our fearless leader and 2nd best podcaster, received an email regarding his malfunctioning Google Home. The problem? Red was not aware his Google Home was malfunctioning, or to be more specific, it hadn’t been.

Naturally, I concluded that an interaction had occurred between Red’s Google Home and someone/thing other than Red. There was an error in that interaction which caused an automatic email being sent to the rightful user of the Google Home, Red, which resulted in our mystery.

As we’ve discovered over the last couple years/since the Cold War the only kinds of people that dabble in such acts of high tech nefarious activities and espionage are governments, foreign or domestic. Or both.

So who was behind this incident?

The good ol’ US of A? Not likely. Red loves the four major sports, barbecuing, his dog (as a pet not food), getting pissed off at traffic and having a couple cocktails too many. However, he also stans pretty hard for soccer, probably falsely like the other 99% of hipster asshats who pretend to like soccer. Soccer is about as UnAmerican as it gets. But I just don’t think thats enough for Uncle Sam to consider Red an enemy of the state given his endless other patriotic qualities.

The Russians? Is Putin after Red? Again not likely as Red likes hockey (see: the four major sports) and combat sports as well, two of Putin’s favorite things. On the flip side, he really enjoys sharing a meal with a bunch of other people which is prettttttty socialist of him winkwink nudgenudge. It’s possible, then, that Putin is spying on Red to gather intel on a possible double agent for the Bloc. The fact that his name is “Red” doesn’t hurt. In the end I think there is just too much American pride in our Hillside Hero to really consider this possiblity.

Mexico is a solid dark horse. You see, Red and Madam 300s vacationed there a couple of years back and he was pretty scant with details about it upon his return. Pretty much Seinfeld “yadda yadda’d” the whole thing. “Mhm it was fun….yup weather was nice.” So what really went down in Mexico? In the end we’ll never know. However, what we are now forgetting is this: Mexico is completely and utterly fucking lawless. So even if some shit did go down there, it really wouldn’t matter. When Mexican resorts say “all-inclusive” they mean everything from 8 balls to homicide.

This mystery really has endless possibilities. It could be any of the nations above. It could be Google itself. Could be Zuckerberg. You just can’t know anymore. All I do know is if I were him I’d throw a blanket and a pair of industrial grade ear protectors over that thing when I went to work. Wouldn’t want to get home to find the dog listening to Tchaikovsky and building an ICB launcher in the backyard.

Michael Bisping Retires As A Living Legend

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In a move that was poetic for how closely it resembled his rise to the top, and in particular his reaching of the pinnacle of the sport of Mixed Martial Arts, Michael Bisping surprisingly announced his retirement yesterday on his “Believe You Me Podcast”.

Although I wouldn’t call it completely shocking; I think most believed “The Count” had one more fight left in him. Maybe it would be Nick Diaz. Maybe a rubber match with Luke Rockhold. A fight with Rashad Evans seemed about halfway home at one point, but it just was not to be. After a career that stretched 39 fights over 13+ years, Bisping has decided to hang them up rather than, in his own words, risk further damage to both of his fight-afflicted eyes. Not a horrible decision by any stretch.

I myself have had an interesting relationship with Bisping. I think a lot of fans, at least American ones, did. Here was this abrasive, loud, cocky as hell Brit that was insulting Hendo before being posterized with the h-bomb. But slowly, over time, I like many others have come to love him. He is a talented, tough SOB that always brought the fight and was one of the first to use his charm and mic skills to get the fights he wanted, which you have to respect. Towards the end of his career, 4 years after getting wrestlefucked into oblivion by Chael Sonnen in a #1 contender’s fight, Bisping got his shot at the 185lb belt on 17 days notice. We all know what happened on that night in 2016. “Larry Lefthook”, as he came to call himself, clipped the champion Rockhold with a left before finishing him off to become the most unlikely champion since Matt Serra. I remember jumping off my couch shocked, and elated beyond belief. No one deserved that more than Michael Bisping.

He’d win one more, a rematch against Henderson, before losing the belt to GSP and then losing again on a wayyyy too quick turnaround to Kelvin Gastelum. And that would end up being it. It would have been so incredible to hear the opening chord progression to “Song 2” one more time and get that chill up your spine before seeing Bisping himself bellow the “woohoo” and begin his march to the Octagon. Especially in London, as planned? Forget about it.

Instead the winningest fighter in UFC history leaves now, on his own terms, with more than one career’s worth of ups and downs and memories in his pocket and on his walls. He’ll still be around the company, no doubt. I wouldn’t be shocked if he started splitting some MC duties with Joe Rogan and Dan Hardy. It is going to be strange though, knowing the Bishop’s Ping won’t ever put on the 4 ounce gloves again.

Happy trails, Buddeh.

An Open Letter to the Patriots and Patriots Nation: Baker Mayfield is About to Go #1 Overall to Cleveland and I am About to Become a Browns Fan

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Dear New England Patriots, Pats Nation, my colleagues here at The 300s, and anyone I’ve failed to recognize,

For almost three decades now I have been a dedicated fan of all four major Boston sports franchises without fail. The lows of the Bledsoe/(Dee)Brown/Bourque/…Valentin? slumps of the 90’s. The highs of breaking the curse, the Big 3, the Cup in 11′, and, of course, that slew of Super Bowls.

The Patriots obviously hold a special place among special places. They are our dynasty. They are our safety blanket. We worship at the Church of the Immaculate Hoodie and at the Statue of the Perfect Cheekbones. We were a down, downtrodden fan base and the Pats gave us hope.

With that said, Baker Mayfield is the balls. There is something about his chip-on-the-shoulder, “Fuck you I’m too small” self-confidence, electric style of play, and just pure competitiveness that is completely absorbing. He sometimes gets compared to Johnny Football, but Baker is a fucking mad dog QB1, a gunslinging sonofabitch who happens to be on the shorter side and can use his feet, as opposed to Manziel who always had a questions mark when it came to his arm and competitiveness.

So with that my dear, dear contemporaries I must confess that should the Cleveland Browns, the worst franchise in the history of anything – and I mean that, there were militias that were quite frankly paved by the Roman conquerors that looked better in comparison – draft Baker Mayfield, I must switch teams. I can’t root against Baker. His elusiveness as it pertains to law enforcement may not pass the sniff test, but he has the ability to drive the ball downfield and into my heart.

I hope you understand this is out of a love gained, not a love lost,

Best wishes,

-Joey Ballgame.

ADDRESSING THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE’S MIND: Did Brad Marchand Lick Leo Komarov?

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Boston.com – Brad Marchand is never afraid to get under an opponent’s skin….The 29-year-old utilized what can best be described as an unorthodox method of trying to take Maple Leafs forward Leo Komarov out of his game. In the midst of some standard pushing and shoving, Marchand drew close to Komarov and even appeared to lick him.

Not since “Who shot J.R?” or “Is Tony Soprano dead?” has the world (Boston) been gripped by a question to this extent. Did Brad Marchand, aka Noseface Killah, the NHL’s greatest agitator, indeed lick an opponent in order to get in his head?

Now this is not only “unorthodox” but it is also extremely unsanitary. The last thing the B’s need is for Marchand to have to sit out with some sort of bacterial infection that stemmed from gland on gland contact. Lots of sweat in saliva in this equation folks and I’m sure there are alllll sorts of germs swimmin around in the sweat of a Toronto-livin, Russian hockey player.

To answer the question, there is only one alternative explanation which is that Marchand was shit-talking Komarov Green-Durant style and that the camera angle made him appear closer and much more licky. That’s really it. If I was Marchand’s Charlie Kelly and I had a background in opponent licking law, that would be my only out.

In reality however, let’s be honest, yes, 63 licked his opponent. And yes he did it to psych him the fuck the out. But he didn’t do it for himself. He didn’t do it for the team. He did it for us, the city of Boston, and for the chance to bring us home a 7th Stanley Cup. That is why our guy licked another grown man.

Playoff hockey man, there’s nothing like it.

Today In Local News: New Hampshire Dad Says Two Little League Coaches Conspired To Bean His Daughter

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Boston.com– A youth sports organization is investigating a man’s allegations that two baseball coaches talked about a plan to hurt his 11-year-old daughter, the only girl on her team, to force her to quit the program….He said two other coaches at the meeting who found the discussion inappropriate told him about the conversation, which they said took place during a draft meeting to assign players to team rosters last month.

With the risk of being a little offensive, I feel like the following statement is necessary to educate those not in the know and thus provide them with the appropriate context for both the story and this blog. You see kids it goes like this: New Hampshire and Maine aggregate to become what is basically the Florida of the Northeast. There, I said it. When you see a story as batshit as this you tend to eye it with some skepticism, but then see it originated from the 603 or the 207 and say, “Oop, that makes sense then.”

This one in particular has a little bit of everything. You got some bean ball, now considered plain dangerous by most but still considered an interesting bit of gamesmanship by yours truly. You have some sexism, directed at a juvenile in a public forum no less. You have a head of a little league who is choosing this fiasco as the hill he chooses to die on apparently as he seems to want to conduct an FBI-level investigation before ousting these assholes. When all is said and done, what we have here in the Live Free or Die State is a big ol’ “he said, they said” over whether or not a couple of little league coaches instructed their pitchers to headhunt an 11 year old girl in order to force her out of the league. With no sarcasm intended I say that nothing says “New England” (Connecticut you don’t count) like a completely misdirected, bloated competitive spirit mixed in with some bigotry.

Hope you get to keep your guns, sorry you have small dicks.

-Joey B.

All Hell Breaks Loose at UFC 223 Media Day as Conor McGregor and His Crew Blitz Fighters’ Caravan, McGregor Now In Police Custody

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So there honestly isn’t a great “article” out there detailing what happened yesterday but the good folks at Sherdog have an interesting social media and youtube breakdown that gives you not only a first person view of what went on, but a surreal one at that as you see and hear multiple UFC fighters as basically people at their jobs thrown into a chaotic situation.

The story itself goes like this: All of the UFC 223 fighters were at the Barclays Center for “media day”, where they sit and take numerous interviews from every outlet imaginable in the MMA world and beyond in order to promote their fight and the event. I know this is not what this blog is about but I’d like to address this is as grueling as it sounds. In the middle of a weight cut and 2 days away from a cage fight and you have to spend the whole day answer the same questions over and over.

Anyway, after media day the fighters were in a couple of vans, located under the Barclay’s where team buses normally are, waiting to go back to the hotel they were staying at. Unbeknownst to the fighters, security, etc. reps from The Mac Life, Conor McGregor’s website and branding campaign(s), had media credentials and thus access to the area where the caravan of vehicles was. McGregor apparently had taken exception to Khabib Nurmagomedov’s altercation with Artem Lobov, Khabib’s statement about there being one king after Saturday, being stripped of his belt in general, a combination of all of the above, or something else entirely and had flown across the Goddam Atlantic Ocean to rectify the situation. The folks from The Mac Life let him and a dozen or so of his crew, Lobov included, in a side door or something and they attacked the van Khabib was in. They threw some trash cans and barricades and God knows what else at the van. One projectile demolished one of the windows, cutting both Michael Chiesa and Ray Borg, who were sitting next to it, causing them to be pulled from their fights tomorrow. Something else cracked a windshield. This was all after McGregor’s crew demanded that somebody get off the van to confront them, most likely Khabib.

In the videos above you can see the look of absolute shock and confoundment in Ray Borg’s face. Like “is this happening?” You can hear Joanna Jedrzejczyk say something with the same amount of disbelief. Like I said it’s surreal. Another video from IG taken by someone in a Starbucks near or in the Barclay’s shows McGregor and his people running out of the building and into a large SUV. He was at large for awhile before surrendering and being taken into police custody around 10:30pm EST last night when he realized he’d probably be charged. I mean, shit. To be 29, at the height of your powers, a multi-millionaire many times over, and have an entire sport in your hand only to pull some shit like this is beyond stupid.

Who knows what was going through his head. Aside from the criminal charges, which will actually probably net out to some fines or what not when you think about it, there is a laundry list of other consequences that Conor will probably face. All of them of course are “probable” as it Conor McGregor after all. He’ll probably be suspended by the UFC itself. Dana White already said he’s not a fan of being in the CM business right now. He’ll probably be suspended by the NYSAC, which will be enforced by all athletic commissions in the United States. Whether or not you think athletic commissions overstep is a debate for another time, it’s probably happening. Michael Chiesa and Ray Borg could absolutely seek damages for their lost fight money as they have been pulled. The same could actually be said for their opponents, Anthony Pettis and Brandon Moreno. To that extent, while not the marquee fights on the card, losing them and the Lobov-Caceres fight, cancelled due to Lobov being pulled for his actions, could cost the UFC some money which means the UFC could go after Conor monetarily as well. It’s just a mess of shit that could rain down on him and that is just what comes off the top of my head as O, Idk, someone who isn’t a fucking lawyer.

The TL:DR of this blog is staggering: Conor and his buddies attack a group of UFC fighters on a van resulting in 3 fights being cancelled, two fighters being CUT BY BROKEN GLASS, and McGregor himself being arrested. Dana White called it “the most digusting” incident in UFC history and he may not be wrong, it really has been hard to process. It will be interesting to see as McGregor’s legal and professional battle unfold what the ramifications will be for the winner of tonight’s Main Event and the UFC as a whole. He didn’t come here to take part. He came here to cause chaos.

The Official Daily “Did Gronk Get Traded?” Blog, Presented By: Joey B’s Daily Reminder That Life Is Meaningless

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This is sort of an addendum to Dougie’s blog but here we are. As we all know by now Brandin Cooks, the first true, blue, lights out receiver the Pats have had since Randy Moss was traded yesterday for, by and large, a first round pick. I’ve seen a few folks on the interwebs (namely the good people at Walter Football) mention that Cooks clearly sucked in terms of his locker room presence, hence why despite his talent he’s been discarded by two teams in two years at age 24, and I get that. That’s a good point. I’ve also heard the normal “crafty Belichick” explanations that come about after big subtractions like this one. In this case, Belichick saw how #1 WRs are getting paid and realized he, in hindsight, was never going to be able to resign Cooks so he got something for him. That also makes sense.

However sometimes with Belichick and the Pats one just needs to see the forest through the trees. Sometimes things are pretty simple, as I honestly believe they are here.

Last year, I think the Pats honestly gave themselves a “let’s load the fuck up and win one” year. They got Cooks. They got Gilmore and kept an unhappy Butler anyway. They really did on paper have a top tier starting line up on both sides, save for the offensive line which of course became one of the teams huge Achilles fucking heels. Then Edelman got hurt, then Hightower. Things sort of went sideways. Yes, we went to the Super Bowl, but there were a lot of shaky, sloppy games in there, not to mention the fact that our road to Minnesota was paved by a particularly weak AFC East, the rest of which pick somewhere in the top 12 this April. When it all added up, I think Pats Nation knew that there were probably a few teams that could beat us come the big one, and that’s why, despite none of us ever admitting it, we weren’t as shocked or as crushed as the last two Super Bowl losses when one of them did.

So the Pats’ one year, mercenary laden, quest is over. Now Belichick will go back to trying to win, and mostly succeeding, with the David Patten’s and Otis Smith’s of the world while jettisoning anyone that doesn’t fall in line and care about nothing but championships; the “Patriot Way”.

And ya, I think this time that includes Gronk. #87 is sick of Belichick being such a buzz kill and of his overbearing nature as it pertains to his training and Belichick is sick of Gronk being sick of it. There has been how many stories about this this offseason? Where there is smoke there is fire. So let’s start checking in daily to see when Belichick makes his cruelest move yet and casts off one of the most beloved Pats of all time and the greatest to ever play the Tight End position YES THERE I FUCKING SAID IT.

Life is meaningless.

Joey B’s Daily Reminder That Life Is Meaningless: Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Are Getting Divorced

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Yahoo – Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum are separating after nearly nine years of marriage…..The former couple announced the split in a joint statement exclusive to PEOPLE….

First let us address the obvious and allow me to answer your first question. No, about 99% of the time, I do not give a FUCK about celebrities, their lives, or really anything about other than the entertainment they provide me. Yes, I’m a pop culture dork. I love movies and music and TV and will discuss all of it relentlessly. But the people involved in it? What they eat and where they shop and who they’re fuckin? Ya don’t care.

But this is different. This is my generation’s lovable moron who scored a drop dead gorgeous, seemingly down to earth chick who SEEMED perfectly fine with the fact he was a drunken, incognizant r-word. Well joke is on us, because women like that don’t exist and men of his making don’t keep them around.

Like Ferguson – Nurmagomedov, their match was not meant to be.

Life is meaningless.

The Fight Gods Care Little For Jesus of Nazareth, 86 Ferguson- Khabib For The Fourth Time On Easter

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Please sit back for a moment and close your eyes. Remember back to simpler time. It was last Thursday or Friday. And as you found any and all possible ways to not do any work or go to the gym thereafter, you possibly read yours truly’s blog proposing Strapping Tony Ferguson and Khabib Nurmagomedov to their own beds for the good of this fight. Well, they were not tied to their beds, and now that fight is again off.

Please review the following material as a brief interlude:

Thank you. Now, I’m sure what to say at this point. Apparently, Tony Ferguson slipped on a production set while doing media and tore his LCL. We know this because he released a statement detailing just that, with of course the first letter of every word capitalized because again, he’s awkward and tries too hard. But man, what a fight that would be if EVER ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED.

Instead the Sort Of Interim 155 Pound Belt will be on the line this Saturday, and will be fought for by Khabib and 145lb Champ Max Holloway. “Blessed” is long and rangy and has even discussed a future move to 155 as the featherweight weight cut gets harder and harder. However, I can’t see him stopping the onslaught of “The Eagle”. Not on short notice. Not when Khabib is as dominant as he is. Khabib via UD or late finish is my guess here.

But back to the point of this, to close things out. Who knows why this fight is so jinxed or why they never make it to the cage. Both fighters have each pulled out twice so say they have to book it once more now at least to see if someone can even that score. It just sucks one of the best fights we could see this generation just seems 100% cursed.

Life is meaningless.

Nurmagomedov Vs. Ferguson Is 2 Weekends Away And I For One Am Steadily Knocking On Wood

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Blogger’s Note: It’s considered poor writing protocol to call someone by their first name but I’m exhausted so I’m just calling him “Khabib” from now on.

It wouldn’t be a hot take to say that apart from a fight featuring one of the token UFC Pay Per View Headliners (Jones, Lesnar, McGregor, etc.) Khabib vs. Tony Ferguson might be the most anticipated fight of this generation, at least.

Not only has this fight been anxiously awaited to see who strictly speaking is the better of these two specific combatants, but it also has the unique quality of having a constantly evolving set of macro-level stakes attached to it over the last couple of years. First it was the question of who is the heir to the 155lb throne, the next great fighter of the House That Penn Built. Then it was who is the best 155er other than Conor McGregor. Then it was who is the best in that division period, as for awhile it was unknown if McGregor would ever return. Now, it is a sort of amalgamation of all three.

So for the UFC 223 Main Event, in one corner you have Ferguson. He is ridiculously talented, although I find him to be 1000% obnoxious. Some folks have expertly taken pages from the Sonnen-McGregor self promotion playbook and used it their advantage. Tony Ferguson has used it to create a string of cringe worthy moments, only to double back and say that is what he was trying to do. Basically if peeing your pants is cool Tony Ferguson is Miles Davis. With all that said, he has refused to allow his talent to be ignored. Since losing to Michael Johnson in 2012 he has won 10 in a row, most recently capturing the Lightweight (interim?) title that he will defend against his Dagestani adversary. He leverages a long frame to enable his solid boxing, wrestling, and a particularly tricky, opportunistic submission grappling game.

Across from Ferguson will be the all at once enigmatic-yet-feared-for-a-reason Khabib. The path of utter destruction he has left behind him in the UFC cage has been cloaked in and footnoted by injury, failed weight-cuts, an annual absence due to Ramadan, and some simply unexplained inactivity. There have been times when he has been considered the unofficial king of the 155 division, a guy you couldn’t see losing to anybody if he could just get back in there; and there have been times where he has been gone long enough to allow guys like Ferguson to rise up and allow you to wonder if Khabib has continued to improve and grind enough to stay as elite as he has always looked. As a fighter, he’s just a brute. he employs sharp hands to set up a nearly unstoppable double-leg. From there, his suffocating top game allows him to unleash hellacious ground and pound as well as the occasional submission. He’s 25-0 for a reason.

With. All. Of. That. Said this is the 4th Goddam motherfucking time this fight has been booked. The pull out record (nice) stands at 3-1 in favor of Ferguson, who once had to back out due to a knee injury, allowing Khabib to show up to Tampa 5 pounds overweight and beat the bag out of poor Darrell Horcher. On Khabib’s side, as I mentioned, injury and an always interesting battle with the scale has been his main Achilles heel(s). I honestly believe he has the weight under control thanks to Fighters Who Love Food whisperer Tyler “Melee” Minton, whose nutritional guruness has proven to be most effective for a number of weigh-in degenerates these days.

With all that said, fuck just “hoping” this thing happens. Here’s what I want to see: I want Khabib and Ferguson allowed nowhere but their beds. Not even a couch. I’ve slept on couches, bad things can happen. Have someone carry them to and from the sauna, people slip in there. For exercise to aid them in cutting weight, use that lat pulldown-ish rubber band workout that people on “My 600lb Life” do supine in order to lose a quick 80lb so that they can get live saving lap band surgery or some shit. Get these guys to the scale and then into the octagon, but due NOT get my hopes up again. 2018 has sucked, They have TWO lightweight contests on the main card for UFC 223. Do you think that’s a coincidence? Nope. Because if either Tony Spazzmaticweirdo or Khabib Tiramisu can’t make it to the cage we are going to see something like Ferguson-Iaquinta or Khabib-Felder in the MAIN EVENT OF A UFC PPV. I love Paul Felder. I love Ragin Al Iaquinta (if you’re reading this Mr. Ragin I mean no disrespect) but to see either of them headlining a PPV in a title fight at this point in their careers would be beyond disappointing. What’s that? Cashmeousside vs. Jedrzejczyk would probably be moved up to the Main Event slot? Fucking fantastic. No. Put Ferguson and Khabib in the same pads as the over-protected kid in the beginning of “The Little Giants” and let’s find out two Saturdays from now who gets their red panty night.